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Stephen Colbert

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To avoid the IRS targeting me as a conservative, I file all my taxes under the name Chef Boyardee.
  8h
2NITE!: "Benghazi is the biggest scandal since sliced bread was caught funneling money to Nicaraguan death squads." @ColbertReport, 11:30pm
Just went to Monticello. Man, Jefferson did everything! He was like James Franco, but with slaves! #almost saiddonaldgloverbuttheslavething
Tommy loved the brown sugar! #DNA
Venezuela claims it's short 40 million rolls of toilet paper. Hopefully it can reach under the stall and borrow some from Colombia.
Like @RepGwenMoore tonight? Give a shout out of love to my sometimes black friend! #longhug
I want to thank @RepGwenMoore for riding along on my Invisible Harley. Next year, we're going to Imaginary Sturgis.
2NITE: I Better Know Milwaukee, the NYC of Wisconsin if the Big Apple were deep fried and smothered in cheddar sauce. @ColbertReport 11:30pm
Can I get a spellcheck on "wahoowa"? MSWord thinks I'm trying to spell "washbowl"!
I'm the valedictory speaker at UVA this Saturday! #wahoowa
Maxim's Hot 100 List is bogus. Some of those girls look WAY younger than 100.
My guest @AuthorDanBrown sez any bestseller needs a chase. U hear that, Hwy Patrolman Clark? I was just giving U a book idea! TCR, 11:30pm
I found out about the IRS's shameful behavior on the catamaran that's my home office.
New UN report says edible insects could solve world hunger. May already be working--my appetite just vanished.
#cOlbertsBookClub 2nite! We'll be talking about THE GREAT GATSBY in detail: p.30, p.71, p.143--nothing's off limits! @ColbertReport, 11:30pm
2NITE! "Congress spent last week debating whether they're 'deadlocked' or 'gridlocked' until they finally reached a stalemate." TCR, 11:30pm
If I had my druthers, I'd have someone explain to me what 'druthers' are.
Can't believe former Poet Laureate @RobertPinsky asked me to prom. I totally thought he was going with Maya Angelou.
Another epic Prom-Posal coming at you: Stacy, will you go to prom with Rick? (Odds are that applies to someone.)
Watching that footage of the burning car in Benghazi makes me nostalgic for my old Gremlin.
Only 3 more days till we find out: THE GREAT GATSBY...or THE GREATEST GATSBY? #cOlbertsBookClub
Of course Jesus was a hipster. Those 40 days he spent wandering the desert? He was trying to find Burning Man!
2NITE!: My guest Robert Caro has written 4 books about LBJ. Now we'll finally find out what the "B" stands for! @ColbertReport, 11:30pm
Lowcountry Nation in SC's 1st District: Go Vote Tomorrow! Whoever the winner is, I wish her luck. #SisterPower
cOlbert's Book Club ALERT! Only 1 week left to finish THE GREAT GATSBY! If you love stories about directions & eggs, you're in luck!
2NITE! My guest is Sir Ben Kingsley. I'll ask him why he's the only British actor not in the Harry Potter movies. @ColbertReport, 11:30 pm
An elementary school in New York City is going 100% vegetarian. The kids are going to go wild for Taco Shell Tuesdays.
Fans of freak shows and funnel cakes: check out ZIPPER: CONEY ISLAND'S LAST WILD RIDE, Sat. May 4th montclairfilmfest.org #zipperride
2NITE: My guests are @macklemore & @RyanLewis of the hit song "Thrift Shop." I promise to show them some Goodwill! @ColbertReport, 11:30pm
It's that time of year again: the Montclair Film Fest! Like girls? Like guns? See A GIRL AND A GUN, Sat 5/4! montclairfilmfest.org #girlgun
The first World Wide Web page launched 20 years ago today. Followed quickly by the first hasty clearing of web browser history.
2NITE! My guests Evan Spiegel & Bobby Murphy developed @Snapchat. It's hipper than their competitor's app, Velcrotalk @ColbertReport, 11:30p
2NITE!: My guest is Iggy Pop @Iggy_Stooges, Godfather of Punk. He's about to meet the 3rd Cousin of Easy Listening. @ColbertReport, 11:30pm
Join cOlbert's Book Club! Read THE GREAT GATSBY by 5/9! After that we'll read the sequel, 2 GREAT, 2 GATSBY!
You have til 5/9 to read THE GREAT GATSBY. Or as I'm calling it until I read it, THE HOLDING-MY-JUDGMENT GATSBY. #cOlbertsBookClub
How bout that information super highway? (Just trying to make internet small talk)
Join cOlbert's Book Club and read THE GREAT GATSBY by 5/9. I don't want to give too much away, but it's a book.
Check out ALPHA HOUSE, created by Garry Trudeau, & featuring a cameo by America's fave pundit. (HINT: I mean ME!) amzn.to/11I55NZ
cOlbert's Book Club starts 2nite! Read THE GREAT GATSBY by 5/9. If this club takes off, I'm gonna make this F. Scott Fitzgerald guy huge!
The TSA has delayed its plan to allow knives on planes. So I got my Swiss Army Knife a visa and passport for nothing?!
I taught @billclinton to tweet! This is almost as exciting as the time I taught Cheney "Dance Dance Revolution."
TONITE!: My guest is superstar NASCAR driver @DanicaPatrick. I wonder if she can teach me how to parallel park. @colbertnation, 11:30pm
When it comes to math, I never carry the one. Hey, I work all day--it should be carrying me.
2NITE: "Thanx 2 the sequester, if you've flown in the last couple days, U may have noticed U didn't fly in the last couple days." TCR, 11:30
2NITE: In honor of guest @michaelpollan, I filled his dressing room with Tostito Scoops. Farm your way out of that, Pollan! @ColbertReport
Tickets for the World Science Festival go on sale 4/25. (Transportation to The World not included.) bit.ly/n4Spt @WorldSciFest
2NITE!: My guest @Alancumming plays 15 roles in Broadway's MACBETH. He's gotta have one nervous understudy. @ColbertReport, 11:30 p.m.
Florida is being overrun by African Land Snails! The invasion has been ramping up since 1942.