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Stephen Colbert
Why can't you hear a psychoanalyst use the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent, and also, the voices in my head won't shut up.
TONIGHT: @JeffTweedy performs "Low Key" from his new album, "Sukierae." @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
A new app called Checky helps you use your phone less. It's like that alcoholism treatment called "Tequila." on.cc.com/1DmWPWN
We stare at our phones, downloading every terabyte of info in the world. The only price we pay is missing the world around us. #deep
Tonight: @TerryGilliam talks about his new film "The Zero Theorem." But if you watch the movie in Kelvin, it's "The 255.372 Theorem."
TONIGHT: Director of the new film, "The Zero Theorem," @TerryGilliam. @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
Forensic analysis has determined what killed Richard III. In the performance I saw, it was overacting.
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1remLPF
Prince Hawkcat will return in The Avengers 2! Look for him in the scene where a security guard throws Prince Hawkcat off set.
TONIGHT: Viggo Mortensen stars in the new film, "The Two Faces of January." @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1u0EHzb
Olive Garden reminds me of my Grandma. "Eat-a more-a you spaghett!" she'd say. She wasn't Italian, she just loved racial stereotypes.
TONIGHT: @UTTband, the tween heavy metal group, "Unlocking the Truth." @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1AR2cJS
TONIGHT: The star and creator of "The Mindy Project," @mindykaling. @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
At benefit for Hole in the Wall Gang Camp with small but dangerous Pirates! @holewallcamp holeinthewallgang.org pic.twitter.com/llDbaLiL7d
A new study says getting high on shrooms helps you quit smoking. No word on what helps you quit the shrooms.
I don't want to brag, but I'm really good at convincing people I don't want to brag.
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1qJj045
Obama brought back the Iraq War AND Gilmore Girls is coming to Netflix!?! It's a #ThrowBackThursday miracle!
TONIGHT: Lonn Taylor discusses his new book, "The Star-Spangled Banner: The Making of an American Icon." @ComedyCentral 11:30/10:30c
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1tATBbv
Kissinger Tonight: World Messy. Countries Angry. Otto von Bismarck 4eva!
Kissinger Sez: A contemporary world order might best be modeled on the 1648 Peace of Westphalia #ThrowbackThursday
U see Bachelor in Paradise? Haven't seen that kind of backstabbing since the Austro-Spanish Hapsburg Dynasty #CardinalRichelieu #checkyoself
If I become Dalai Lama, expect lots of changes to Buddhism. First and foremost, more jesus.
Obama will not commit boots on the ground in Syria. I agree, the desert calls for more of a strappy sandal.
TONIGHT: Former Secretary of State whose new book is "World Order," Dr. Henry Kissinger. @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1osm3co
I hear the Apple Watch can tell precisely how many seconds it's been since your last meaningful interaction with a real human!
TONIGHT: Actor and author of the children's book, "Nightmares," Jason Segel. @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
.@RobertPlant's new music video is called "Rainbow." Or, if you're colorblind, "Gray Stripes." Check it out! on.cc.com/1xyaRo4
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1qIKjtZ
Exclusive at Colbert Nation: Robert Plant's new video, "Rainbow." Less exclusive: Jack Link's Beef Jerky ads. on.cc.com/1xyaRo4
You can count on congress to pass immigration reform next year just as you can count on me to cover it on The Colbert Report next year.
Twitter is introducing a "buy" button for tweets. I can't wait to charge you for reading this.
TONIGHT: Actor @JohnLithgow stars in the new film, "Love is Strange." @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1nA5OKb
On St. Patrick's day, how am I supposed to explain gays in the parade to my kids? Seriously, I'm going to be really drunk.
The NFL season starts tonight! So ask yourself: Are you ready for the societal pressure to watch some FOOTBALL?!
TONIGHT: Presidential historian and author of "The Bully Pulpit," @DorisKGoodwin @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1untaYi
TONIGHT: Randall Munroe, creator of the webcomic xkcd.com and author of his new book, "What If?" @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.
Last night's show, my best yet. on.cc.com/1rMgjRN
Happy to have on tonight's guest, Mandy Patinkin. Even happier that he didn't spot my sixth finger.
Small town police NEED military weaponry. You'd be shocked at how much easier it is to remove a cat from a tree with a tomahawk missile.
I keep hearing there are nude pictures in the cloud, but which one? I could only see one that kind of looked like an elephant.
Hope you had a happy Labor Day. Now, please enjoy the next 364 Bosses' Days.
TONIGHT: Actor Mandy Patinkin stars as Saul Berenson in Showtime's, "Homeland." @ComedyCentral. 11:30/10:30c.