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okay, and...

I cannot live in this petty country anymore
How long did it take your staff of 823 people to think that up--and where are your 33,000 emails that you deleted?…
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After I make plans with someone and they don't text back
Why would you even put University of Phoenix on your Facebook
I can tell the size of a man's dick just by sucking it
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how many fucks do you give? there is only one answer: too many
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When you're single for way too long
people complain about curved dicks in porn but im wqtching this chick suck the straightest dick ever and im not feeling comfortable
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When he eats your ass then tries to kiss you
Why did I just remember this
Adult humor is inappropriate
Strange happenins round these parts
I only like the guac at chipotle, Mexican restaurants do it so weird!!!!
I haven't left my apartment since I discovered Courage the Cowardly Dog is on Netflix
It is a milestone that she is the 1st woman 2 b nominated 2 a major party. She's also the 1st Republican to b the nominee for the Democrats.
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my grandma didn't know that you can adjust the brightness of phone screens so she's been texting with her sunglasses on for months
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What the fuck is happening here
Okay I'm 2 months late but it's time for the 2016 edition. Like this to enter. Or don't. I don't care about anything anymore.
I'm upping my pettiness
A fat southern woman slowly performing Taylor Swift songs as spoken word
I keep accidentally liking pictures while trying to slide up the control center
I have brain cancer from the moments tab
I thought a ball bearing was some sort of odd sexual device
I'm gonna be blacked out by 5pm
Unemployed baddies
Playing around with weapons
I don't know anything. My brain is completely void.
I swear I'm always taking a shit
Drinking some green shit so I look cool
Yes, this is pretty much the only thing I know about either tick bites or Lyme disease…
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God I can't even remember the last time I poured gasoline in a man's mouth
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kanye west vs hydraulic press
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I love sleeping because I'm not in a vortex of mental anguish when I'm sleeping.
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Twitter is over we can all log off now
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