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The best part about working at Hot Topic is getting 20% off of the breathtaking array of weed leaf medallions and skull rings.
guys i found out what career i want.
Me: *holds a screaming baby while playing Xbox*
Wife: What does she want?
Me: To ruin my kill/death ratio.
[playing Xbox online]
Other player: What's that sound?
Me: *holding a screaming baby on my lap* Probably static.
[wife nudges me awake]
"What did you mean before when you said my sister looked 'lovely' in that dress?"
Should I shower tonight or in the morning??
They went in on y'all
when someone tries to tell you how to live your life and parent you about parenting 🙃
Bruh. I can't stand her.
this is literally what Hitler did in the holocaust. Literally. twitter.com/thehill/status…
When you put something in the cart when ur shopping with ur mom and u hope she doesn't notice.
911: What's your emergency?
Me: I accidentally turned a polite nod to a stranger into a full conversation.
911: I'm sending the SWAT team.
me & bae in 30 years after we finish paying our mortgage & all the kids are off to college vine.co/v/ePjn23wplW6
5-year-old: The baby won't help clean up the house.
Me: She's a week old.
5-year-old: I know. She's been lazy long enough.
When girls always tryna show their nipple rings in every selfie
My toddler found a bottle of Axe body spray I got as a free sample, and now she's wearing a Tapout T-shirt and calling everyone "bro."
[First day as a sketch artist]
Victim: he had blonde hair & blue eyes
Me: no one even told me that i needed crayons
what happened in Paris does NOT justify the abuse and dehumanisation of Muslims who played NO part in the attacks.
I'm the kind of tired that can only be rectified by injecting coffee directly into my veins.
A substitute teacher is under fire for teaching 6th graders lessons on Chief Keef: abc7.ws/1PySnMu
ITS TIME FOR FALLOUT 4 BROTHER
"Daddy, why do I have to go to school?"
"So you don't end up like me"
"Alright fine, no school today"
Eating Blueberries (Vine by ❤️The Goonie Show❤️) vine.co/v/e0uAYEPTPwu
girl it is 40 degrees outside, why u wearing a spaghetti strap tank
I would really like some extra hot mac n cheese right now in an obnoxiously large bowl
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Give a man Fallout 4 and he'll disappear for months.
These are the type of friends everyone needs in their lives
"ALL LIVES MATTER"
"Awesome, there's these Syrian refugees who need help--"
They are not responsible for Paris. #PrayForSyria
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
*smashes your windshield with a hammer
"Hi, did you happen to get my text earlier?"
someone: "who was ur tweet about?"
Goodnight my love, my lovely love..
friend: "hey do you wanna go out"
computer: password not strong enough
computer: password is strong
me: U FUCKIN KNOW IT!
[rips shirt off]
▕┃▕▋┊┃▕▋╰╮ ▏Me Spaghet
147 dead and where are the posts supporting them??? #PrayForKenya
the only glo ups i care about
Doctor: No sex for 6 weeks after birth.
Me: But mouth stuff is OK, right?
*doctor and wife exchange looks*
Doctor: No sex for 12 weeks.
Wife: We can't have sex for six weeks after birth.
Me: That's what the Internet is for.
*watches six weeks of funny cat videos*
90% sure Cheeto is going to kill me
5-year-old: I'm really glad you're my dad.
Me: Why is that?
5-year-old: I don't know how to order pizza.
it's not only ISIS they're bombing, it's also innocent men woman and children they're bombing #PrayForSyria twitter.com/pzf/status/665…
When u say "God bless our troops" but then vote 4 people who send them to war then cut their care & benefits