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Some days you eat the bear, and some days the bear eats you.
Few things are more demoralizing than saying "excuse me" to a mannequin.
The day Facebook adds an option that you can like that someone liked something, I quit the internet forever.
Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.
All men approve of premarital sex...until they have a daughter.
I wish people who made amateur porn would clean up their rooms first.
Wanna really creep yourself out? Lie in bed, stare up at the ceiling, and in total darkness, softly sing "Happy Birthday" to yourself.
I wish Shaq named his daughter Shaqira.
If they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.
Charles Manson cancels marriage because his lady wanted to keep his corpse in a glass case. This is now my new reason for staying single.
Retweeted by sinastr
Don't be a cunt
Is it just me or are they doing everything but having sex in Viagra commercials.
The only qualification for working at an airline is making a confused face at a monitor.
Before you decide to become an atheist try dipping an Oreo in Nutella once
every time i see a fat, bald, goateed dude in public i get excited for a split second thinking it's Louis CK
Old ladies are not as fucking helpful as they think they are.
I'm wearing my Superman t-shirt under my work shirt, which I'm sure the paramedics will find ironic after I throw myself out of the window.
My productivity at work has gone down 43% since corporate bought me a swivel chair.
Is it "butt" naked or "buck" naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I've realized that when my wife says "what?" its not because she didnt hear me, shes just giving me a chance to unsay something I just said.
We all have our own hells. Don't judge each other.
Every time i think about what could have been my heart breaks
Beer commercials really overestimate how many attractive people live in my apartment building.
Umm, no officer. I'm pretty sure that bag of weed fell out of YOUR pocket.
I do most of my lying when I'm trying to get off the phone
When covering gay marriage debates avoid asking "which of you is the woman?" It's the shorter guy.
Why yes, I am watching a documentary about Marie Antoinette and enjoying it. Could it be because I'm straight fucking gangster? Perhaps.
@lawlballz: Suge Knight's Yelp review still up and now getting ratings:…
I hate it when I'm peeing in a public restroom & some motherfucker tries to rob me & I have to fight him while holding my dick.
I really hope the word "sodomized" doesn't appear in my autopsy report.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Running is a lot more fun when you're laying on the couch and not running
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I wasn't on the Titanic but my iPhone just dropped to 2% so I think I get the gist.
They say playing video games is a waste of time, but I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when bagging my own groceries.
What if the Bible had a major typo and the Devil was really after our SOIL? Maybe he just wants to grow some pot plants.
"GIMME AN E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ..." - Cheerleader who loves ecstasy
Excuse me, miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
The internet is down at work. I took my top off and lit a campfire. Coyotes are near. I'll sacrifice Todd from HR. How do you hunt rabbit?
7 Adult Toys You Should Be Embarrassed About…
See what the cutest couple ever is wearing: - sp