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A man does not open a door for a woman because she can't he does it to show respect
"Seriously, is that what I look like?" - robot watching a guy 'doing the robot'
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I thought about logging into Myspace, but the Delorean is in the shop.
Every time I see anteaters in a restaurant, they always order the same thing.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like "chemotherapy, dude" & I was like, "whatever, racist" cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I'm sorry. The married mans go to words
Man tried flirting with #Adidas customer service
Dear YouTube: Please just assume that I'd like to "skip ad". You don't need to ask anymore.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.
I just realized that I get most of my news from Twitter. So... someone remind me what Pres Bieber's health care bill will do to your mom?
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a 'dignified' cover up...!!
Excuse me, miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
some nights I just lay in my bed with my headphones in and think about everything
@nicolestwat @Sinastr That isn't what you said last night!!!
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Vampires!! RT @Sinastr: Love bites and reality bites. What else bites?
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"Ooo, you better watch out, he's got the magic stick!" "Stop it you guys. I'm gonna tell." 50 Cent in elementary school.
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Someone got locked in the tiny prayer room at church during off hours & was stuck there for 2 hours!
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915---killing me. I feel what's happening.
Love bites and reality bites. What else bites?
I promise one day when you wake up it just won't hurt any more
Never knew your heart break can make you physically ill
To my date tonight: getting a buzz is cool. Stupid drunk---not cool. You embarrassed me and yourself.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse is less than one horsepower, you've got yourself a crap horse.