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I wasn't on the Titanic but my iPhone just dropped to 2% so I think I get the gist.
They say playing video games is a waste of time, but I credit Tetris for the speed and agility I display when bagging my own groceries.
What if the Bible had a major typo and the Devil was really after our SOIL? Maybe he just wants to grow some pot plants.
"GIMME AN E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ... GIMME ANOTHER E! ..." - Cheerleader who loves ecstasy
Excuse me, miss, you’ve got a little bit of face on your makeup there.
The internet is down at work. I took my top off and lit a campfire. Coyotes are near. I'll sacrifice Todd from HR. How do you hunt rabbit?
7 Adult Toys You Should Be Embarrassed About…
See what the cutest couple ever is wearing: - sp
if you are on a magazine cover with the headline 'my new body' and that body is not, like, a cheetah or horse, missed opportunity
Which online dating site connects me with single-malt liquor in my area?
Being Irish means getting rip-roaring drunk on special occasions. For example, when you celebrate dinner.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
“Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.”
Here's a fact about bees: They don't give a shit about your petty little problems. They've got a fucking job to do. Time is honey.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Snack mixes are great because I only want to enjoy 40 percent of what I eat.
Yeah, I had a good weekend. Mostly just ran around the theater screaming "THE BOOK WAS BETTER! WHATEVER YOU'RE SEEING, THE BOOK WAS BETTER!"
“Let go of those who bring you down and surround yourself with those who bring out the best in you.” - Unknown
Retweeted by sinastr
Don't piss off hot chicks, their crazy!!!
The real way to win a date with an NFL player: - sp
Ladies, if your man says he'll fix it, he will. There's no reason to remind him every 6 months
boss: why aren't you working? me: i didn't see you coming!
It's an unwritten rule in girls' soccer that each team must have at least one Katie on the field at all times.
Sorry I yelled "GET A ROOM!" at your grandson's wrestling tournament.
Deaf people have no idea why the rest of us think farts are funny.
#Bama on TV today?? Are they playing and I missed it?
That's disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don't wipe boogers on Mommy's pillow! Wipe it on Daddy's
We will lie and tell you we are different but if you fuck us in one weekend you are always a slut to us. #youknowwhoyouare
Yes, you are an emotional cunt. Guys only want to fuck you because you are a cock tease. And you think sex means love.
My preferred method of birth control is "mood-killing repetitive DVD menu."
Scientists discover that caterpillars can whistle. Am I the only one wondering if they're concentrating their efforts on the wrong things?
I hate when I'm trying to do shit and I have a wife
"No, everything's fine" must've been a great phrase to say before women got hold of it.
Life is more exciting when you're out there living it. I read that somewhere.
If you survived a shark attack, nice job, asshole. You just missed out on the coolest way to die.