Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Grow your twitter followers. Join free!
Start my free promotion! Twiends helps you grow your twitter following quickly and easily.
sinastr
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who's suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
You can fart openly as long as you're always holding a whoopee cushion.
Has anybody seen my keys? theyre awesome.
It's not that I'm antisocial. My phone just happens to be a lot more interesting than the entire human population.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Meet George Jetson His Boy Elroy Daughter Judy Jane his wife Just kidding, obviously. I'll send the real lyrics tomorrow. Do not use these.
A homeless guy just gave me some change. Note to self: When in public, wear pants.
If you could have dinner with any DECEASED musician and ask him anything you want who would it be? Mine would be John Lennon.
@NeshiaShaketra_: Most good girls get treated horribly 😔”
Sometimes things are just too complicated for you
Cmon @LSUCoachMiles #FreeBrandonHarris he needs snaps for next year!!
A homeless guy asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
Longest English word: 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi' Longest Spanish word: 'GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLL
Q.- My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A.- So what's your question?
That's the last time I buy underwear at a yard sale. I don't want to talk about it.
The main character's dog just died in my book. So no, I am not free to hang out this weekend.
When someone gets playfully thrown into a swimming pool on TV, all I can do is worry if they have their cell phone in their pocket.
I like to ask the waiter, "What do you recommend?" then stare at him angrily while I order something completely different.
God has cursed me with thoughts that come in 147 characters.
5 out of 5 coworkers think I should be wearing pants. All of them are from HR though, and who knew they could get to my cubicle that fast.
"There's a party in my pants!" Sadly, they only RSVP I've received was from myself.
If I ever have two sons, I'll name one Penn and the other Sword, then make them wrestle a lot just to see if it's true.
@Sinastr Nothing will get done…interesting …you mean the destruction of America will stop…THANK GOD!
Retweeted by sinastr
@Sinastr Yes, you are becoming a polar bear
Retweeted by sinastr
@Sinastr Hahahahahaha. u make me laughing. I think u should follow this:bit.ly/145aJzz
Retweeted by sinastr
I'd like to hear Tony the Tiger's opinion on other products before he tells me how great his cereal is.
Aliens watching our media must assume we are being implored to show allegiance to our ruler, a mysterious entity named "Geico."
Do not email me when my bill is ready, email me when someone has paid it, thank u.
"This is the one I use for wiping" - Handshakes
I became a victim of my own crime, I just sat on a toilet seat after I left the lid up
It's been pretty rough going, but I think I finally beat my crippling addiction to sobriety.
Regretting that I didn't install a GPS locator on the baby, because man this Hooters is a big place.
You'll never know how funny a tweet can be until you think of all the ways after posting it.
"The more the merrier!" usually means "oh, you overheard us making those plans, huh?"
Nothing makes me feel like this exercise plan is working than the whistles & shouts coming from the jail when I run by.
A girls diet always starts tomorrow...
If there's another explanation for my gray hairs other than I'm turning into a polar bear, I don't want to hear it. Don't ruin this for me.
The 1st month of dating id just the guy saying "What?! You never seen (movie title)?!" hundreds of times
9 out of 10 dentists will agree to anything you want them to for 100 bucks.