I've never been interrogated, but I have ordered a sandwich at subway, so I think I'm prepared.
There's not much a home grilled 2inch thick rib eye and a glass of wine can't solve.
Working with underprivileged children is really rewarding because I get to tell people about it.
When people ask me if I’m in a relationship I’m like, of course I am. Who the hell wouldn’t want THIS? (Sarcasm)
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook.
I believe Unicorns were the first to call each other dickheads. #truth #fact #sinastrsays #dickhead
Moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.
Sadly, my day requires pants.
Sometimes being the bigger person person means smiling and nodding while fantasizing about punching the other person in the throat.
Does anyone know where I can pick up this thumb ring? pic.twitter.com/1XhI1ozC0I
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never have tried to succeed. - Theodore Roosevelt
: If I was moments away from my death I would ask someone for a 5-hour Energy drink." This is meee
New Orleans is the city sobriety forgot
Nick Saban is going to murder Cade foster #auvsbama #sec #ncaafootball
I gotta imagine one of the worst things you can do is shit your snowsuit.
If I was moments away from my death I would ask someone for a 5-hour Energy drink.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday 'cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
1st girl @ the moon: - Houston, we have a problem - What happened? - Nothing, doesn't matter - Come on - Nothing.. - Tell me - U should know
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It's a 3-day relationship between a 13 & 17 year old that caused 6 deaths. #readtheplay
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me? Me: No but you're now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Look Disney all I'm saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I'd make her clean up that shit too.
I'm thankful for my #snapchat
hack that allows me to keep the pics. #happythanksgiving
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Thanks for sending your Blackberry pin to my iPhone. When did you get electricity in your cave?
The heart demand discipline.
I'll never have the conviction of a jogger who runs in place while waiting for the red light to turn.
I never changed, I just learned.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you're handsome. Me: Aww. That's cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Ladies: Is your boyfriend the strong, silent type? Is he carved out of wood? Ladies, you may be dating a garden gnome.
Hey airplane designers, why don't the people who pick the number of windows talk to the people who pick the number of rows?
Been a while since the last Pauly Shore movie. He must be trying to make it perfect.
your Lonely Score is the maximum number of forks a takeout place has given you for your single person food order. my score is 4
The worst time of day is when people start coming in the office. They are all cheerful and shit. Settle down jerks, it's work not an orgy.
Gonna put on an orange vest and start digging a hole until someone stops me.
War: what is it good for? Resource acquisition, eliminating your enemies, blowing stuff up, feeling like a big man. So, lots actually.
I'm just SOOO busy. I spend 70% of my day telling people how busy I am and the other 30% trying to make myself look REALLY REALLY busy.
Sorta miss my kid today. Guess it's true what they say about not knowing what you've got until you've sold it to a gypsy.
So you were telling the untruth on Twitter. You sound pretty #hilarious
and some days you wake up and say...what happened last night and where am I? Welcome to my world- CHEERS!
i literally did this like 3 times before i realized
its so freaking simple & straight baby " fairness and no double standards" no hide & seek
: Dreams don't always come true... ehh :/”
I hate when my wife asks me to hold her purse and it doesn't match what I'm wearing.
Just had a kale and quinoa salad and now my name is Autumn and I braid my hair and drive a Subaru.
Sometimes you wake up and just know you're going to be hilarious all day. Today is not that day.
According to the "you snooze you lose" principle insomnia makes us winners.
Selfies? In my day we stared in a mirror and then felt ashamed.
"That wasn't chicken in the Chow Mein" I'd make a great Fortune Cookie writer.