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If taking a piss was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
Staying angry is a waste of energy. #HowToBeAMan
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks* "Not for long my friend. Not for long."
When I get fired, I assume they are going to show me a hidden-camera montage of me flipping off my boss and customers behind their backs.
That hot person you've been flirting with over the internet has one normal arm and one shrivelled T. rex arm.
If you want to find a needle in a haystack, burn the haystack.
Every day is the first day of the rest of your life. So I live like a newborn, sleepy and confused.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
Keep running your mouth, because at least I know you can open something, besides your legs.
Join me on Secret, a unique way to share what you’re thinking and feeling with your friends.
Hey fat people, a venti caramel mocchiato w/ whipped cream isn't coffee, its a sundae.
Probably some of the worst jeans I've ever seen...…
canadian bacon is just like regular bacon but with health insurance and a passion for hockey.
When I watch my sex tapes it always motivates me to work out and diet a little harder.
Why are the "Christians" that work ft me the ones who steal and lie the most??
Pretty cool how you can turn cotton into delicious candy or a totally comfortable shirt to wear.
I wonder how long it takes a giraffe to throw up?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Future generations will never believe Sarah Palin was a real person.
Kevin Durant is part MVP, part rocket ship! - sp
Guilbeau: LSU baseball team back on right track to Omaha… via @theadvertiser
Please pray for the private school kid whose dad drops him off in a 3-year-old car.