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Shit On Your Tweet
Got to protect your property, even heaven's gated.
Why would anyone want to shoot themselves or others when we live in a world where weed, titties, Game of Thrones and free music exists?
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"It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.
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You can buy a birthday cake if it's not your birthday, those dipshits don't even check your ID.
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Her desires are innate
Strange dreams, heavy rains, white walkers. These are the things that trouble my soul.
Everyone in Kenya hates you people with bags.
Yes, yes. Just bring your bags to my place.
"Can I have more of these mouse spears?" "Sir those are toothpicks" "I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"
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I left Stephen Hawking like 8 voice mail messages before I realised he'd picked up every time.
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[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"
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I wouldn't wanna die hungry.
#np Kari Jobe - Find you on my knees
Any girl posting baby pictures is not worthy unprotected sex
Its plain stupid to date a girl that listens to a lot Nigerian Music and Riddim
Still yet to choose who is my favorite between Lana Del Rey and Biffy Clyro
imagine if your fridge did what you do everyday,every half hour goes to your room opens the door and stares at you for 5minutes then leaves
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The most feared killer whales are the ones that have done time in Seaworld.
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*Obama approaches podium* Fellow Americans, I like cookies with raisins in them *press starts booing* They're good & healthy *Michelle nods*
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*reads a note sombody put on my desk* [i heard u caught a cold! i hope it FLU away!] *drops note* what.. WAT IS THIS SOME SORT OF SICK JOKE
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Nigerians eating human flesh, yo.
What is the difference between Nigerians and a bucket full of shit? The Bucket
This is not the performance you need before you play the Dog and Gun never mind Bayern Munich. Is their season gonna end in 1 week again?
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You guys are a real pain in the ass
And we do have livescore
If you joined twitter between 2012 and now you're excused from tweeting while watching the game. You can actually do whatever shit you like
Is it that you want to share the joy, or you just want to let us know you're part of it?
Er, excuse me. How do you tweet while watching the game?
You can only rob people in Kisii on Saturday when they're all in church.
Shes just from sucking another mans dick before she tweets you romantic quotes.
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong and able to take on the world. Oh sorry, that's wine.... Wine does that.
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Pope Francis has described the Internet as 'a gift from God'. I'd imagine a lot of Catholic clergymen are of the same opinion.
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RT @sickipediabot: Whats the best way to get a fat girl into bed? A forklift.
Moyes gets a hard on any time he subs Kagawa off. Some kind of excitement.
Gotta give Adnan some rest now tho
Specs have this irritating thing they do to your nose.
One of the shittiest rappers French Montana.
What does French Montana do again?
RT @Hunk_Alert: I barely know more than 20 of my followers in Real Life.
The IRS employees tax manual has instructions for collecting taxes after a nuclear war.
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He Is. RT @LmichM: he is one hell of a #MIXMASTER RT @ShitBEGone: Dear God, Thank You For Avicii.
Dear God, Thank You For Avicii.
You can slaughter me, but any Kenyan girl with 2 tattoo has had more dick than Snookie