Want to Grow Your
Social Media, Free?
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Her: Blindfold me.
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Sure, I'll pop my kitty down low. Just help me back up though because it's been a while since I've had to be flexible.
We can't be friends if you can't deal with me breaking into song when you say something I can directly quote in a song.
My fight song is just me silently weeping while I shove cupcakes in my mouth.
Nothing improves the memory more than trying to forget.
The fastest way out of the friend zone is with a $100 bar tab at lunch.
I had a friend who started saying "anyhoo," so I had to distance myself.
Just lost a follower, then gained a follower and now I don't know if I can cope with the twists and turns of this emotional rollercoaster
Don't take her through the drive thru on a date. You take her inside that Burger King and get her a crown.
Are you there, God? It's me, the guy who makes creepy Judy Blume references.
No, I will not take the road less traveled. I live in the south. Have you seen Deliverance?
Nobody has more confidence than the guy who wears flip-flops to rob a bank.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
No ones answering the phone at the pizza place. What am I supposed to do now? Die?
I gave up Kik because if I wanted to talk to housewives that hated their lives, I'd text my mom.
Possible Fact: White guys with corn rows make dangerous zombies, cuz you can't run and laugh that hard at the same time.
iggy azalea: we in this bitch
me: we are in what bitch?
What level of functioning alcoholic do you unlock when you take your kids to the liquor store in their pajamas?
Can't tonight. Staying home and writing letters to angels with my cats.
Everyone dies eventually, especially guys I go on blind dates with.
Maybe one more nude pic will make your dad come home.
When you comfortable in your own skin
I see you've chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Nothing makes a Saturday quite like peeing out of your ass.
The only thing more depressing than a cubicle is one with beach themed decorations.
Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don't get upset. Crazy girls are better in bed so take it as a compliment.
But stab him, just in case.
You had me at "I hate everyone too"
I spent 3 hours hissing at people today.
Hey, guys, I talked to a few people and it's totally cool if you wanna stop using the "asking for a friend" format now.
Still get nervous I’m going to get made fun of by children when I drive next to a school bus. I’m 35.
Imagine if Papa John DIDN'T dye his hair? Then we’d all be like “That guy looks 50” but instead were like “Who’s that cool dude in his 20s?"
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
"I went through a wormhole."
Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
vera bradley, for when you wanna carry your shit around in a quilt
Decaf Coffee: When you want to taste a broken promise.
Ate a snack.
Forgot I ate the snack.
Panicked trying to figure out why I'm full.
Realized why I'm alone.
I haven't tried yoga but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.
actually guns do kill people, that's literally why they were invented, to kill people
That feeling when you forget that you've been blocked and try to star their tweet.
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
I'm not a fucken millionaire, I whispered to the dry clean only tag.
American Horror Story: Hotel spoiler - There's no WiFi.
I could be lazier. I could have bed sores.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
This is your captain speaking. In case of an emergency your stewardess can be used as a flotation device HAHA THAT'S NOT RIGHT. I'm drunk.
I CAN'T GO TO THE GYM BECAUSE MY TEETH HURT PLS RT
I saw what you just did and it was disgusting.
I just made meatballs, but then decided I didn't want meatballs. I think it's time to put me down.
I did it you guys. I lived, I laughed and I loved, just like you told me to.