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Mrs. Gary Busey
Well that's fucking awkward
I'm really sick of underwear and responsibility
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around? Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
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Never trust someone who tells you to trust them. Trust me.
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I love bank holidays. Just shouted across the room to my colleague 'See you next Tuesday!', he replied 'I've got Tuesday off!'. What a cunw.
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My house has really let itself go.
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Sorry I can't come to your party tonight, I will be attending the opening of my garage door.
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Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee, lunch, snack, dinner and beer.
When I'm outside with my construction buddies and a pretty lady walks by, I like to yell out, "I RESPECT YOUR RIGHT NOT TO BE HARASSED!"
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I don't think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G
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I know I'm not the only one who uses the filter that makes my shot of storm clouds the darkest.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT FREAK OUT ABOUT THE DIRECTION IN WHICH MY LIFE IS GOING
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Tuba never "forgets" to call, then goes to the mall with my best friend, Jayden.
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[me holding a gun] SAY CONVERSATE ONE MORE TIME
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I thought there already was a female Viagra....? Is money not a thing anymore?
If your playlist doesn't have dead people on it we probably can't be friends...
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"No, I have no idea why I don't have a husband"
{Sex} HER: Make more noise ME: Why HER: So I know you're happy ME: *shrugs* HELLO MY BABY HELLO MY DARLIN HELLO MY RAGTIME GAL HER: GET OUT
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Having friends is cool, but I know the only person I can rely on is my subway sandwich artist.
Friend: im going running Me: are people chasing u? F: no I just like it M: *sipping a slurpee* I dont think we should be friends anymore
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Guys, it's probably safe to go back on Ashley Madison now.
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I'm pretty sure babies are getting uglier.
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You don’t shake out your clothes before putting them on? You should, because spiders.
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Do you feel sad, anxious, irritable, empty, worthless or helpless? Before you diagnose yourself with depression, check if you're married.
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I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away
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Maybe I can love again *I softly whisper to this burrito*
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I'm pretty much over this whole "being human" thing.
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I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
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Can you repeat the question, but like to someone else
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I just wish I could meet a nice guy so I could lose interest in a week and keep complaining that I want a nice guy.
i'm just a boy standing in front of a computer asking if it's my username or my password that's incorrect
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if you want a woman to settle down with you be a cat
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sex and food are the only acceptable reasons to wake someone from a nap
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I hate when people; use semicolons incorrectly.
Not to brag, but; I'm fat enough to get hot and bothered, without even moving.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Home is where the suspicious cat vomit is.




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