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Mrs. Gary Busey
comedyjokes 8,230 followers
FYI- I've been outside once before and we're all better on on here.
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Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: "So whose funeral is it?" I told him I haven decided yet.
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I've successfully worked hadouken into a dance routine. That's it, that's all I got.
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I work out at the YMCA, and I'll tell you, it's not the dreamworld that the Village People promised.
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It's all fun and games until someone ends up on the sex offender registry.
Coworker: Is that rain I hear? Me: *Looks out window directly behind us* Do you see rain? Coworker: Yes Me: Then yes. It's raining.
My goal for the weekend is to get on a first-name basis with the new Doorstep Delivery guy.
I feel like there should be a more efficient way to carry around 72 beers.
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If you didn't want me to use hand sanitizer as lube you shouldn't have asked for a handjob during flu season.
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina
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If it wasn't for the sign indicating there is congestion I probably never would've realized that I'm sitting in traffic. Thanks sign.
My resolution was to stop flashing people in the park, but I think I'll stick it out for one more year.
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They should make a very special episode of the Walking Dead where everyone showers and shaves... #justsayin
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Being an adult means I'm in charge of my own bedtime, and I've realized I'm not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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I'm lucky if I can get into my own pants.
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Happy International Hug Day! Don't touch me please.
Fuck me like I just defaulted on a loan you co-signed for.
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My goal for this weekend is to move just enough so no one thinks I'm dead
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My dog keeps bringing me my belt instead of the leash. She's either really dumb or getting into bdsm.
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It's been announced tht the Air Asia plane crashed because it 'climbed too fast'. I think you'll find it crashed cuz it went down too fast.
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I can't tell if I'm hungover or just 38.
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My favorite part of the SOTU was when Obama said he wants to work with Republicans, then said he'd veto anything that wasn't his idea.
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If I can eat it, I am always interested.
if it glows in the dark, chances are I will like it.
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The office is out out flavored cream, two days now and I've lost my will to live
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New Years Resolutions: No. Fucking. Thanks.
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All I dream of is living in a world where everyone knows the difference between then and than.
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There's so little money in my bank account the ATM machine just sucked the paper receipt back in and said "You can't even afford this."
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Don't ask me for directions I got lost on an elevator once.
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I would rather someone steal my Land Rover than phone.
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I don't know which is sadder; getting emails from my local liquor store, or not remembering that I gave them my email address.
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My grandfather was a Marine who fought hand to hand combat with the Japanese at the battle of Guadalcanal and I sometimes drink lattes.
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I bet the first person to throw a boomerang was scared as shit to throw anything ever again.
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I'm disappointed in myself for choosing a car with such a high safety rating.
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Who the fuck let Smashing Pumpkins ruin a Fleetwood Mac song?
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People who go to the doughnut shop and buy less than a dozen doughnuts... who hurt you?
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*writes "My Keurig" as my emergency contact*
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Sorry you said all that stuff and then asked me what I thought, like I have any clue what you just said.
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Realizing that I follow someone who uses a lot of heart Emoji's as quickly made me lose hope for this day.
I can't do the "Single Ladies" dance nearly as often as I want because it scares my dogs.
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The amount of crumbs in my bra at the end of the day is one of the many reasons I shouldn't be allowed in public.
I hope your honor student operates a motor vehicle better than you do.
"Every time I get a new follower an angel loses it's wings!!!" Oh. Ok. Let's see what happens when you lose a follower.
There is a chance that I put one too many emoticons on this resume.
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Perhaps spelling out your name with beanie babies for my FB banner was not the best way to play it cool, but there's no turning back now.
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My draft folder are just my nudes from when I was too drunk to figure out how to send them.
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