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Mrs. Gary Busey
comedyjokes 8,230 followers
Predictive text is the Tara Reid of text messaging.
I long for the day when people stop acting surprised that there's only 1 checkout lane open at Walmart.
I can't help but wonder how long it will take Tony Romo to be sidelined with a dislocated pussy.
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Ew. I just saw someone talking on an iPhone running ios7. SO 30 minutes ago. LOOOOOOOSER.
Dear @SeaWorld, You are terrible. Sincerely, Everyone who actually cares about living creatures. Release your slaves.
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Have I just... had a stroke halfway through reading this sign? pic.twitter.com/02Kv5xSWQX
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#1 rule when it comes to sex: DON'T LOOK
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which came first: the tub of cream cheese frosting or my depression
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that's what my uncle ate right before he got hit by a car RT @McDonalds You can't have a bad day if it starts with McGriddles on your tray.
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screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU at a dead deer
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When I asked for a bag at Trader Joe's the cashier sighed like there was a bag shortage and she had a baby that could only eat bags
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Sitting naked listening to Rod Stewart and eating a Popsicle. This day is already a winner.
I'll take 12 bottles, please. This dick ain't gonna grow itself. pic.twitter.com/VVdqdUFnTY
I'm pretty sure Joan Rivers died in 1996 and they've just been doing a fabulous Weekend at Bernies thing.
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So, If my husband asks This is a website for swapping recipes
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No YOU put yourself in timeout and catch up on RT's when your toddler throws a tantrum
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Joan made it seem not scary to be single, or old, or hated, which are very important things to not be afraid of if you want to be happy.
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What's the opposite of having your shit together? I'm that.
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"Can we recycle this?" -Joan Rivers doctor
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I ate too many sour patch kids and now my mouth hurts. #firstworldproblems
Ran out of toilet paper. At least I'm finally getting some use out of all of these birthday cards.
Don't mistake my friendliness for weakness. I still plan on stabbing you.
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There's a special place in hell for people who send Facebook messages.
How is there not an Instagram filter called BAE?
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I got 99 problems but Ebola ain't one.
Update: unfortunately I'm still alive. If you don't receive another update, things have changed.
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911: What's your emergency? Me: He text me first. Just to say hi. What do I do?! 911: Be cool Me: I sent him a list of baby names instead
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Have the flu, on my period, and quitting smoking. Lord help anyone who makes eye contact with me today.
Date: What do you do in your spare time? *thinks to myself: don't mention Twitter, don't mention Twitter, don't mention Twitter* Me: Read.
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To thine own self be amusing.
I meant to tell my neighbour "Have a nice day" But it came out "I'm gonna burn ur house down if ur bratty kids come in my yard again"
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My friend on Facebook just got a new skirt you guys. It was on sale. She's really excited about it you guys.
You had me at, "we'll make it look like an accident."
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How to succeed on Twitter without really trying: Be hot.
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Ladies, when it comes to doggystyle I'm behind you 100%
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INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to "move it move it." ME: That's correct. I: It goes on like for... 30 pages. M: And?
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Just realized I follow "tennis now". Feel like I should cut my fingers off to ensure nothing like this ever happens again.
Join me on the veranda for a Virginia Slim and a Seagram's wine cooler?
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I just don't trust anyone who uses Facebook or doesn't use Facebook.
If you asked me to choose between coffee and alcohol, I'd probably just choose to shoot you.
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I'm pretty sure Twitter is the smoking section of Facebook.
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Keep your friends close and your boyfriend chained to a radiator.
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I'm sorry I threw up when you told me you were engaged.
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One time I got stuck holding a Starbucks door open from 2005-2007.
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To the guy who stole my girlfriend's car today: Please don't steal my car. That is our last car.
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Teenage Turtles...Ok Mutant Turtles...Believable Ninja Turtles...Alright But All that pizza, And they don't smoke weed......Bullshit!
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