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Mary Poppins ™
comedy jokes 4,524 followers
She knew it was wrong, but Dr. Phil said blow jobs would cure her hiccups... She'd never be able to look this badger in the face again.
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Dr. Phil took one look at my problems and called Dr. Phil.
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Evening college math classes. For when you want to be as confused and pissed off as possible before bed.
"Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.
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And then I was like, "whatever bitches" And the bitches whatevered
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Dollar store pregnancy tests: For when you sorta wanta know
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Walk up in the club like what up, I got social anxiety so I'm leaving.
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Don't even fucking talk to me today unless you are handing me the blueprints for a teleporter.
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Ask yourself, "How many electrical cords can I trip over today?"
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I said "Go to your Room!" My son said, "I wish you weren't my Dad!" I said , "Trust me , I thought I pulled out!" He's almost 4.
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My Amazon Username is Cockpopsicle, customer service hates me.
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Whenever I do something for my wife and she thanks me, I don't say "you're welcome." I say "counts as foreplay."
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If a woman watches a movie alone, who answers all of her questions?
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Throw "Hyenas will even eat the bones" casually into conversation while looking into the distance to shorten periods of social interaction.
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Solar eclipse is like a woman breast-feeding in a grocery store. No circumstances should you look directly at it or ask her for a sample.
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If you can't accept me at my worst...well, you should probably just block me. It doesn't get any better.
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Dudes that only Retweet chicks: Your mom just called. Down to the basement. Come upstairs. Your dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets are ready.
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We get it people who put stick figure families on their minivan's window: You're fertile and you've got lousy taste in cars.
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I'm really proud of the way we all came together and pulled through the spring forward controversy. Maybe now the healing can begin.
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After last night, my name may be Italian but my liver is definitely Russian.
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After 5's milk explosion this morning, I tried to play optimism and thought 'has to get better from here!'. Turns out optimists are stupid.
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Sorry for my poor English, I'm American.
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I'd be an organ donor but my organs are afraid of going to a vegan.
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