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You lost me at "let's go to Applebee's."
If you've seen me trying to get a vending machine to accept my dollar bill, you've pretty much seen my sex tape.
In my defense, I was left unsupervised
About referring to trans people by their former name because it's their "real" name: pic.twitter.com/BOsgG2cwuw
Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited
Well if I made my bed, of course I'm gonna lie in it. Naps are awesome.
I like to say 'Rawr' which means 'I love you' in dinosaur. Which is cooler because they're extinct... like my love for you.
You heard me.
This drink is from the lady at the end of the bar. No the brunette. The one holding a Care Bear.
If I have to stir it, it's homemade.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don't even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Is it rude if I want to wear my head phones during sex?
Him: What's your cup size?
And, on the eighth day, God said, "Fuck you guys" and created raisin bagels.
Damn girl, you make me so herny
"Are you ok?"
Mmmm so horznysk
"Ok, I'm leaving now"
I'll stop being an asshole when you stop being an idiot.
Coworker: GOOD MORNING!
Me: Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee
Coworker: But you don't drink coffee
I can't dance to this. My first husband was killed in a love shack.
I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
You lost me at, "I don't drink."
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I'm heading north to start a new life.
Cheeseburgers are just super deluxe awesome sandwiches.
I let my 3-year-old pick what we’re having for dinner.
Now I just need to figure out where I can find a piñata full of tacos.
I just want to be in shape enough to hand a toddler a baseball bat and get the hell out of the way before I get hit with it.
I consider it a good dieting day if at least 3 of my 8 meals contained something green.
The only thing more depressing than be being in bed since 8 is that I'm watching Gilmore Girls.
why does living hurt so much
will you guys pierce my cat's ears
90% of parenting is just figuring out who licked who first.
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
I call my vagina, "Capitol Hill" because it offers so much hope, yet every man who's been there leaves angry and confused.
Simon Pegg warns adults' obsession with sci-fi is making society childish ind.pn/1FkemQ3
/ Sorry, but how did you make your money?
If they could put the same protective shatter-proof material on a baby as they do phone screens, I may consider having one.
Boy George is my spirit animal
"I bet Tom Brady feels deflated!" - I yell from outside the window of poker night I wasn't invited to.
*scoots butt across the carpet*
Sorry, I'm horrible at foreplay.
Great. Valet lost my rollerblades.
Malaysian Airlines travel voucher
That feeling when, for a brief moment, you think Taco Bell may have forgotten one of your tacos.
*watching the sunset*
Literally, what the fuck are we doing?