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Mrs. Gary Busey
comedyjokes 8,230 followers
Why is it that I can never find anything when I need...oh there it is. - Me, 500 times a day.
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I may be my own worst enemy, but at least I picked a worthy opponent...so I've got that going for me.
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A party without booze is called a 'no thanks.'
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I can tell you're off your meds because I have this sudden urge to double up on mine.
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WHOEVER PUT MY NUMBER ON THE CRAIGSLIST AD FOR A BABY SLOTH I'M GOING TO KILL YOU pic.twitter.com/Cb6zxSgz16
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That fucking cop in South Carolina who murdered a guy better be ready for our legal system to open up a can of 'suspended with pay' on him.
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Alien holding up balloon: so you fill this with air for no reason & spend the whole time trying to pop it? Me trying to pop it: kinda
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Congrats to Duke, the shark that killed Nemo's mom, the stampede that trampled Mufasa, AND EVERYTHING ELSE TERRIBLE IN THIS GARBAGE WORLD
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When I was 16 I used to make prank phone calls to a local sports tv show. Here's the story of my favorite one: pic.twitter.com/CxNRsexgOG
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RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN'T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I'M PREGNANT
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pussy so hot you have to stop, drop and roll first
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did you ever stop masturbating because you started thinking about how big the sun is
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working on my thigh gap. closing it, that is!!!!!!
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I know I had a good night when the only thing in my google search history is different variations of "Taco Bell hours".
I have no idea when I'll die but I hope it's in the middle of someone telling me about TV shows I haven't seen.
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When you see Shaq in a commercial, keep in mind they shot it multiple times and that was his best take.
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I'm not afraid of going to Hell, Ive been in a group text for two months.
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People will always suck. That's why there's wine.
Evolution of a tweeter: 1) Follow Celebs 2) Find cool people and unfollow celebs 3) File for divorce
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Ok, I finally private messaged Fancy Feast and things got pretty steamy in there... pic.twitter.com/6L4ecuOwOS
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Health Tips: - drink lots of water - always practice safe sex - stare at the sun - masturbate until it hurts - vegetables are dumb
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Pro Tip: -Order a pizza from 3 separate places -Have them delivered at the same time -Put on tuxedo -Hold a rose ceremony at your front door
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Wine flavored Xanax candies. Think about it Pharmy companies. I just made you millions. I just want a cut... of the candy.
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A kiss begins with K. But it's also just a text from someone who doesn't want to have a conversation with you.
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I'm bored of things that haven't even been invented yet.
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Please be quiet, I'm over here being pretty.
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If drunk girls started their own country the national anthem would be “HAS ANYONE SEEN MY PHONE? WHERES ASHLEY? CAN YOU JUST CALL MY PHONE?”
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I love to mess with new boyfriends by parking in the expectant mothers spot.
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I sure spend a lot of time reading the labels on stuff in the supermarket for someone who's just gonna have pizza & Coke for dinner.
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All your money can be wine money if you make poor decisions.
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Blocked? But what about this pillow I made for you out of my belly lint?
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Relax. I'm not that out of control. It's only a few teaspoons. Leather seats. It's fine.
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Don't forget to run your hands thru a strangers hair today. Strangers love that.
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watching The Bachelor reminds me of that time I found 12 mannequins in the trash but could only take one home with me
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If you vape while pregnant your baby could be born with a chinstrap beard
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Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry DaylightSavings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
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Just preordered my $10,000 Apple Watch and I couldn't be more excited! pic.twitter.com/r9qJ1lWIv1
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if the pizza guy didn't want to see my girl parts why did he smile at me
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I'm tired and cranky. And you're fucking humming in the office. No jury would convict me.
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Imagine if we could all just eat the right amount and shut the fuck up about it.
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I think I'm ready for the next level of crazy. For Sale: 92 Cats Wanted: Bat Shit
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Do you ever take two steps into a food court and think: "We are overdue for a plague"?
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BANQUETS OF CHEESE
if a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ..i just get in the back seat
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I can't decide which sounds like more fun: cleaning my car or being stung by 10,000 bees.
Him: What do you do for fun? Me: Read. Attempt to surf. Bike. Long walks to the fridge.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey