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Violence solves nothing so
Great news. Everyone's relative on Facebook who’s never traveled outside of the US and is 60,000 dollars in debt has the solution for ISIS.
was having a great day until someone called me ma'am
MY BACKPACK IS FULL OF STOUFFERS MAC AND CHEESE.
This may be the Sudafed talking but I need a backpack full of Stouffers Mac and Cheese
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, "Are you still holding the ladder?".
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
LIFE HACK: can't find your car in a parking lot? Break into a nicer one. Drive off to that person's house. Start a new life with that family
Oh nothing I'm just a nervous hummer
"Aw how cute!!"
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Remember when you'd be staying at a friend's house & you'd wake up before them & wouldn't know what to do? That's how my whole life feels
Tinder/Twitter. 2 totally different things.
I have nothing in common with people who hang plates on their walls
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break up
jeez it's like no one in this White Castle has ever seen a vagina before
Wife: Touch me and they'll never find your body.
Me: Just so I'm clear, would you murder me before or after the sex?
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I work hard to justify my laziness.
I know satan is real because mini cupcakes exist.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Lowe's does this twice on Sundays
I just lost 5 pounds trying to get my pantyhose on the right way
Not a single person is kung fu fighting.
Oh, you like me?
It'll last two days, promise.
I'm "pulled my back out while projectile vomiting" years old.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I'm 34 now Mom. I don't talk to them. I sleep with them.
Could everyone please retweet this so @JoelOsteen
sees that many many people think he is an asshole? Thanks in advance.
The first guy to make a fountain must've been like "I don't know why either"
I honestly can't imagine being a Fiddler on the roof would be in any way safe at all
Only serial killers wear jeans when they're home alone
You can be inspirational, just not here. NOT HERE.
The Dodge brothers look like a couple of dicks.
No one on Facebook cares about your anniversary except your spouse and they live in the same house as you so tell them in person and stop it
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Netflix and kill.
Fitness Status: I was finally going to start CrossFit butI injured my wrist swiping the membership card at my gym.
73% of every day is just me trying to find the stray hair that's touching my arm.
Strangely heartbreaking to see someone pulling luggage anywhere that's not the airport.
The fact that Taco Bell can afford to give away Crunchwraps to every American tells me everything I need to know about Crunchwraps.
If you haven't ever considered reusing yesterday's coffee grounds cause you are out and running late, you are not me
Brb watching a scat film and two sexy lawyers are picking people for Yuri doody.
I knew from the minute i saw you that I would hate you someday.
Yeah, I tolerate the shit out of lactose.
Got a gift card to Walmart, going to get me some nice bath towels.
If Hitler had focused on the people who clap after a waiter drops a glass, he would've gone down as a hero.
Believe it or not, before everyone was such a fucking emotional infant, Halloween used to be just one day.
There is nothing more unsettling than a confident child.
The club can't even handle me right now
I love how you and I share a mutual indifference.