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Mrs. Gary Busey
comedyjokes 8,230 followers
I order delivery so much that Facebook is now recommending my delivery guy as a friend.
All my friends are getting boyfriends and I'm stuck in traffic behind the car with all the anti abortion stickers.
Sir, If the pants you're wearing were any tighter, they'd be inside you.
Alone this Valentine's Day? Book a table for one at a restaurant, focus on a couple & uncontrollably cry whenever they're affectionate.
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Kanye West's purple velour tracksuit from the Grammys looked like what would happen if Willy Wonka was part of NWA.
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Fact: 98.9% of guys named Dan, are actually not, "The man"
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Sorry, what's this "running out of booze" thing people keep worrying about?
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I'm one intestinal parasite away from my ideal weight.
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I was disappointed to find that tonight’s award show has nothing to do with Grandmothers.
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You can learn a lot about a guy when he ignores your first 23 text messages.
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Dear Autocorrect, Thanks for telling my boss I'm "orally" available. Now I'm "totally" headed back to HR.
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I'm so hungry I could fuck a midget.
It feels like one of those "stay in and do nothing" kind of seven years.
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Quick stop talking, your stupid is showing.
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CPR is my favorite lifesaving technique where you get to make out a little. For science.
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Things that terrify me: 1) alligators 2) abandoned churches 3) people who don't eat their fries in the car
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My wife's preferred setting on the electric blanket is seventh circle of hell
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Pizza rolls won't try to tell you about their day during the game.
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I need entertainment. Aaaaaaand GO!
Things don't taste better when they're free. Things taste better when they fucking taste better.
Damn it feels good to be a gangster wherein a gangster is an adult woman who finally did 2 wks of laundry
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Him: Thank GOD I'm an atheist Me: I'm sorry...WHO are you thanking? #WhatTheFuck
I always feel like I'm out of place in a Victoria's Secret. But it wears off after I try on a few things and see I'm still a medium.
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FYI- I've been outside once before and we're all better on on here.
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Some guy commented on my all-black outfit today: "So whose funeral is it?" I told him I haven decided yet.
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I've successfully worked hadouken into a dance routine. That's it, that's all I got.
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I work out at the YMCA, and I'll tell you, it's not the dreamworld that the Village People promised.
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It's all fun and games until someone ends up on the sex offender registry.
Coworker: Is that rain I hear? Me: *Looks out window directly behind us* Do you see rain? Coworker: Yes Me: Then yes. It's raining.
My goal for the weekend is to get on a first-name basis with the new Doorstep Delivery guy.
I feel like there should be a more efficient way to carry around 72 beers.
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If you didn't want me to use hand sanitizer as lube you shouldn't have asked for a handjob during flu season.
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The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Unless he's a Vegetarian. Then you can get there through his vagina
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If it wasn't for the sign indicating there is congestion I probably never would've realized that I'm sitting in traffic. Thanks sign.
My resolution was to stop flashing people in the park, but I think I'll stick it out for one more year.
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They should make a very special episode of the Walking Dead where everyone showers and shaves... #justsayin
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Being an adult means I'm in charge of my own bedtime, and I've realized I'm not equipped to handle that responsibility.
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I'm lucky if I can get into my own pants.
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Happy International Hug Day! Don't touch me please.
Fuck me like I just defaulted on a loan you co-signed for.
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My goal for this weekend is to move just enough so no one thinks I'm dead
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My dog keeps bringing me my belt instead of the leash. She's either really dumb or getting into bdsm.
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It's been announced tht the Air Asia plane crashed because it 'climbed too fast'. I think you'll find it crashed cuz it went down too fast.
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I can't tell if I'm hungover or just 38.
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My favorite part of the SOTU was when Obama said he wants to work with Republicans, then said he'd veto anything that wasn't his idea.
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If I can eat it, I am always interested.
if it glows in the dark, chances are I will like it.
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The office is out out flavored cream, two days now and I've lost my will to live
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New Years Resolutions: No. Fucking. Thanks.
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