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Mary Poppins ™
comedy jokes 4,531 followers
It's not PMS if you've got it all month, sweetie, you're just a bitch.
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In Hell, every Dorito in the bag has a minimal amount of Dorito dust on it.
The best thing about moving back home is definitely NOT hearing my dad tell me he folded my "thong bikinis"
We get it, sun....you're fucking bright.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, "Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!"
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Do these pants make me look like I have baggage?
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I'd go outside more if outside had air conditioning.
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Oops, dropped a Prozac in the toilet. On the plus side, a depressed sewer rat is about to get a new lease on life.
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Put yourself out there by punctuating every sentence with "and that's why I'm single."
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Nostalgic for breathing through my nose.
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I'm guessing the police outside this Starbucks has something to do with me dipping my hand in the tip jar..
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When the glass is half empty, the ice will melt and fill it back up. No worries.
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Lorde dances the way black girls think white girls dance.
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Just a guy, with a beard, trying to take a picture of it, before he puts his clothes on. pic.twitter.com/sAajgTpeMI
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It's so beautiful outside today...I might even open the curtains while I sit on the couch.
This Activia isn't working on my internal struggles. What the fuck, Jamie Lee!
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I put my pants on like everybody else, just not on Sundays.
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We're all probably connected by six pizza places.
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Dating must've been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.
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Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
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Someone should tell sad people about boobs. 😞
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Takin selfies with no filters, just like the Quakers did.
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