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Well that's fucking awkward
I'm really sick of underwear and responsibility
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Never trust someone who tells you to trust them. Trust me.
The Real World, but it's me & 6 cats.
I love bank holidays. Just shouted across the room to my colleague 'See you next Tuesday!', he replied 'I've got Tuesday off!'. What a cunw.
My house has really let itself go.
Calm the fuck down wild rice.
Sorry I can't come to your party tonight, I will be attending the opening of my garage door.
Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee, lunch, snack, dinner and beer.
When I'm outside with my construction buddies and a pretty lady walks by, I like to yell out, "I RESPECT YOUR RIGHT NOT TO BE HARASSED!"
I don't think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me and my lover, sitting in a tree A-R-G-U-I-N-G
I know I'm not the only one who uses the filter that makes my shot of storm clouds the darkest.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT FREAK OUT ABOUT THE DIRECTION IN WHICH MY LIFE IS GOING
Tuba never "forgets" to call, then goes to the mall with my best friend, Jayden.
[me holding a gun] SAY CONVERSATE ONE MORE TIME
I thought there already was a female Viagra....? Is money not a thing anymore?
If your playlist doesn't have dead people on it we probably can't be friends...
"No, I have no idea why I don't have a husband"
HER: Make more noise
HER: So I know you're happy
ME: *shrugs* HELLO MY BABY HELLO MY DARLIN HELLO MY RAGTIME GAL
HER: GET OUT
Having friends is cool, but I know the only person I can rely on is my subway sandwich artist.
Friend: im going running
Me: are people chasing u?
F: no I just like it
M: *sipping a slurpee* I dont think we should be friends anymore
Guys, it's probably safe to go back on Ashley Madison now.
I'm pretty sure babies are getting uglier.
This cat is me
You don’t shake out your clothes before putting them on?
You should, because spiders.
Do you feel sad, anxious, irritable, empty, worthless or helpless?
Before you diagnose yourself with depression, check if you're married.
I hate it when I fall in love with someone, then the light turns green and they drive away
Maybe I can love again
*I softly whisper to this burrito*
I need a phone with 500% battery life
Ball so hard muhfuckas wanna fine me. instagram.com/p/6n78asyl8xUE…
I'm pretty much over this whole "being human" thing.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn't taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Can you repeat the question, but like to someone else
I just wish I could meet a nice guy so I could lose interest in a week and keep complaining that I want a nice guy.
i'm just a boy standing in front of a computer asking if it's my username or my password that's incorrect
if you want a woman to settle down with you be a cat
sex and food are the only acceptable reasons to wake someone from a nap
I'll be drunk in like ten minutes ago...
I hate when people; use semicolons incorrectly.
Not to brag, but; I'm fat enough to get hot and bothered, without even moving.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Home is where the suspicious cat vomit is.