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Mrs. Gary Busey
You lost me at "let's go to Applebee's."
If you've seen me trying to get a vending machine to accept my dollar bill, you've pretty much seen my sex tape.
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About referring to trans people by their former name because it's their "real" name: pic.twitter.com/BOsgG2cwuw
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Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited
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Well if I made my bed, of course I'm gonna lie in it. Naps are awesome.
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I like to say 'Rawr' which means 'I love you' in dinosaur. Which is cooler because they're extinct... like my love for you. You heard me.
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This drink is from the lady at the end of the bar. No the brunette. The one holding a Care Bear.
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If I have to stir it, it's homemade.
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1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours 2015- don't even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
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Is it rude if I want to wear my head phones during sex?
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And, on the eighth day, God said, "Fuck you guys" and created raisin bagels.
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Damn girl, you make me so herny "'Scuse me?" Sooooo haorniez "Are you ok?" Mmmm so horznysk "Ok, I'm leaving now" HORGANYZ
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I'll stop being an asshole when you stop being an idiot.
Coworker: GOOD MORNING! Me: Don't talk to me until I've had my coffee Coworker: But you don't drink coffee Me: Exactly
I can't dance to this. My first husband was killed in a love shack.
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I knew we were gonna be friends when you ran into that wall.
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Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I'm heading north to start a new life.
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Cheeseburgers are just super deluxe awesome sandwiches.
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I let my 3-year-old pick what we’re having for dinner. Now I just need to figure out where I can find a piñata full of tacos.
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I just want to be in shape enough to hand a toddler a baseball bat and get the hell out of the way before I get hit with it.
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I consider it a good dieting day if at least 3 of my 8 meals contained something green.
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The only thing more depressing than be being in bed since 8 is that I'm watching Gilmore Girls.
90% of parenting is just figuring out who licked who first.
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[interview] HIM: What are your strengths? ME: Well, I can see dead people. HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies? ME: Grave digging
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I call my vagina, "Capitol Hill" because it offers so much hope, yet every man who's been there leaves angry and confused.
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Simon Pegg warns adults' obsession with sci-fi is making society childish ind.pn/1FkemQ3 / Sorry, but how did you make your money?
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If they could put the same protective shatter-proof material on a baby as they do phone screens, I may consider having one.
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Boy George is my spirit animal
"I bet Tom Brady feels deflated!" - I yell from outside the window of poker night I wasn't invited to.
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*scoots butt across the carpet* Sorry, I'm horrible at foreplay.
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Great. Valet lost my rollerblades.
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That feeling when, for a brief moment, you think Taco Bell may have forgotten one of your tacos.
*watching the sunset* Literally, what the fuck are we doing?
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