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According to the manager at this mattress store, I don't qualify for a military discount, regardless of how many rap battles I fought in.
Whole lotta inspirational tweets being ignored on my timeline this evening.
Boss: You're on another break already?
Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
just when i thought i would die without ever feeling the caress of a human hand in my life, the toilet paper breaks. god is good
I feel so bad for my dad because he had sex with my mom at least once.
Got called the “Nickelback of Twitter”
As a Canadian I kind of want to kill myself, but not before I pick up my $10,000,000 royalty cheque
If I make eye contact with you, please know that it was accidental and that I hate you.
I can cook the bacon or I can choke on it. I'm flexible.
You have to say "wow" after a sneeze so everyone knows how it was.
As I'm trick or treating, a Guy just gave me a Sam Adams harvest box of beer. He wins Halloween, forever.
My favourite Aerosmith music video is the one in which Steven Tyler accidentally swallows the mic, the camera and the rest of the band.
My oldest daughter calls Chapstick “chap” and I don’t know why, but I hate that about her.
Sent 3yo to her room to find underpants. She came back stark-naked, playing a harmonica.
NO PATERNITY TEST REQUIRED.
My neighbor is putting up Christmas lights so I need the bear to return to our street and eat him.
All I got is banana, kittens and school bus. There’s gotta be a good tweet in there. Hold please.
Her: If I'm gonna go down on you, can I have a hair band?
Me: Fuck yeah you can
*pushes PLAY on Skid Row CD
Just attended a benefit for women without legs.
That place was crawling with pussy.
Halloween Pro Tip: Never summon demons. Seriously, they are never cool and are always mean to you.
If your feet look like you've been walking thru 6 inches of hot coals, then perhaps open toed shoes aren't for you.
If at a high school reunion someone says you've put on weight, tell them you're a actor researching a role. Then refuse to sign an autograph
I would wipe out my life savings for a Chumbawumba reunion.
Being retweeted is like a pat on the back from a loving parent.
Can someone with a loving parent verify that for me?
Buying a cat so I can sit it on my lap, stroke it and tweet that I'm getting loads of pussy.
If by trick or treating, you mean getting drunk and throwing rocks at kids... then yes... I am going trick or treating.
Fuck me like I'm gonna buy you a six pack afterward.
It's all good.
Me, at wine tastings.
I just fucked up a batch of "just add water" muffins.
It didn't say where to add the water.
Shout out to the bitch that just shut the elevator door on my face. I hope you get SARS.
In the market for some really disgusting and greasy food. Been eating too many salads
Two yrs ago I weighed 296lbs. Today I weigh 293lbs. Hard work makes dreams come true, folks.
My signature move is sitting down to pee and still missing the toilet.
I wonder if this guy hitting on me in traffic realizes he's in a Prius....
If someone calls you a crazy bitch, just thank them...
Nothing throws people off like a proud, polite, crazy bitch.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.
I'm "I need help to get off the couch" years old.
Seriously, I need a hand here.
My boss is an inspiration that one day someone as lazy as me can be in charge.
Mom: Is she alive?
Me: I don't know but she's about to be on the internet pic.twitter.com/8taVUCQvoX
I am pretty tired of sitting in this hospital, but let's be realistic, does it really matter where I sit on my ass and tweet all day?
Some of you cut and paste some pretty deep shit.
For me Twitter is just practice for my future career of writing the instructions for shampoo bottles.
They're blasting 10,000 Maniacs at the Des Moines airport if any 39 year old women want to swing by & get fingered.
"Turn that crown upside-down" - peasants, probably.
I could whip out an inspirational tweet, if I felt at all qualified to tell you how to live. But I'm having Ritz crackers for breakfast.
If you're using a dollar store pregnancy test, you're probably pregnant.
If you don't have to recharge your phone at least twice during the day, you're not doing it right
Going as Mumford and Sons for Halloween just so nobody invites me to their stupid Halloween party.