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Mrs. Gary Busey
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I'm a registered organ donor. I'll Rest In Pieces.
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crazy to think that only a month ago your Big Mac was a horse
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Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"
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Go ahead, get drunk, and find out the hard way that there's a reason breakdancers lay cardboard down first.
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Girls always go to the restroom together because that's where they rap battle.
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I can't go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
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remember: tomorrow is the only day of the year you can walk around with a severed head and probably get away with it
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Just found out there are thousands of pictures of dogs wearing wigs on the Internet, so now I know how I'll be spending the next few days.
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I wish I loved anything as much as Kanye West loves Kanye West
Yes, officer, by imperial standards I was speeding. However, compared to how fast i'm dying on the inside, my car's speed was negligible
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Cop: what's your height me: 6'1" Cop: eye color? me: blue Cop: a sapphire blue I'd say, mystifying... me: what? cop: shut the fuck up
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Why would anyone go big when they could go home.
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[Hostage situation] Um I don't want to be "that hostage", but I just want to let you know I have a gluten allergy.
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If Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles had a boy band it would be called "what direction"
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I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
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You're one Napoleon Dynamite reference away from being stabbed with this plastic fork, mom.
I just want someone to love me as much as celebrities love places is destroyed by natural disaster
hey guys if you want to pick up chicks hang out in the freezer section next to the lean cuisines we're all vulnerable there
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At this point if Geno Smith tried to throw a surprise party it would get intercepted.
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Financial Status: Can't afford to give a fuck
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When I walk into a party everyone is like...still just doing whatever they were doing before because they didn't even know I came in.
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Cons of being on The Walking Dead: Almost everyone you know is dead & the world is a desolate zombie wasteland Pros: No more Adobe updates!
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Hell is a room full of a thousand puppies, but your hands are made of chocolate, so if you pet them, they die.
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🎶Like a good neighbor, come fight this bear🎶
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"Go big or go home" is something I say when choosing a glass for my cocktail.
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Ugh. I hate the taste of water. - White people
which wine goes best with Adderall and Cheetos
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Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
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Some people are just more needy than others. For example, me.
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This hangover feels like I'm up to number 7 of my 9 lives.
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My single friends want a guy My married friends want a divorce. I just want some Doritos and a nap.
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I'd rather be fist fucked by wolverine than join your conference call.
I would rather eat a meatloaf prepared by Hannibal Lecter than watch 5 minutes of Glee.
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So My Teachers Were Fuckin Right About Me After All - A Memoir
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Thanks for the list add. Do we meet each others parents now?.
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Sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to your text, but I was way too busy on my phone doing anything but that.
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Parental Rage Status: I just noticed my daughter was using an iPad screen as a coaster.
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Coworker: Did you see the total lunar eclipse this morning? Me: Get the fuck away from me.
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Cool story. One time my dad left and I was sarcastic on the Internet for the rest of my life.
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If you hear a distant cry, it's probably just the sound of my hopes and dreams dying.
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Show people you're interested in hearing their problems by throwing yourself down the nearest set of stairs.
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Don't be sad, laundry. Nobody's doing me either.
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Me at a wine tasting: *swirls glass* *sniffs* *sips slowly* *stares off into the distance* ...Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
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My gym bag is brown, made of paper and has rum in it.
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A Bud Light is like a bald eagle that you can drink.
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Men that require more attention than a newborn baby, please for the love of everything shut that shit down.
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What's a girl gotta do to get your credit card number??
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey