Whenever I eat a funnel cake
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds "plants"
I'm not judging you, I'm just trying to guess what medications you're on.
Due to the percentage of water they contain, most living things—including humans—are technically sauces.
It's because it's Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That's why. What Papa is doing right now is called an "autopsy". Stop crying.
What idiot named it the English Channel instead of the BB Sea
Johnny Depp's left arm is where bracelets go to die
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
There's nothing to fear but fear itself and other scary shit like bears and snakes and spiders and women who wake up at 4am hungry.
Therapist: It's been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Today be sure to exhibit your narcissism on social media by posting about the "tragic" impact of a celebrity's death on you.
Adele is really frustrated with the pressure to breastfeed, which is silly because guys will do that without much pressure at all.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man's twitter crush.
My favorite part of the Bible is when Jesus rose from the dead and Daryl shot him in the head with his cross bow
Your word is 'effusive'
That is correct. What was your name?
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Me to hubs: It's Good Friday and we both have the day off. Let's do something fun today!
Jesus: Um, ok wow.
Endings, in order of likelihood:
3. Scooby Doo
4. Fairy Tale
Once upon a time I believed her when she'd answer me with "no, nothing is wrong"
That fairytale ended the day we got married
Once I figure out what rhymes with orange I'm taking over the poetry world.
i don't care what anyone says KFC is an actual feeling
An ice cream truck but with wine.
Primus should totally release a 'Greatest Hits' album titled 'The Optimus Primus'.
If I ever find a dead body while I'm hiking I'm gonna be like finally
This will forever remain my favorite moment here on twitter dot com
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
Surround yourself with kind people who have money and will buy you tacos.
HER: i have great taste in music.
ME: if you can taste music you’re clearly an alien
TRUMP: We will build a wall!
BERNIE: We will break up the banks!
RACCOON: I will wash everything anyone ever tries to eat
DOCTOR: *holding needle* you're going to feel a little pressure
DOCTOR: You need to find a girlfriend and go finish your degree
Electing Donald Trump to fix America is like having a baby to fix your marriage.
i use the word fuck so excessively i sometimes forget it’s a swear word
Shut up and send her the heart eyes emoji like a God damn man.
Imitation Crab: Hey
C: Do I know u?
IC: Do I know u?
C: Stop that
IC: Stop that
C: *moves sideways
A relationship is where you give someone Kryptonite and pray they never use it against you.
Trump is the Kanye West of white people.
I'm unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
When you ignore someone, you're just teaching them to live without you.
Mental note: pee before I get in the tub #wontgetcleanlikethis
I cleaned the tub in anticipation of taking a bath but now I'm too tired to get up and go take a bath. #firstworldproblems
Sorry I didn't answer my cell phone, I don't know how.
Sharing your favorite music with someone is like sharing small pieces of yourself.
idea: a phone protector that shields you from your family and friends' racist Facebook posts.
When I was a kid I enjoyed listening to the Rolling Stones, but now that I'm an adult I enjoy listening to the Rolling Stones.
It used to be called "House Depot" until they filled it with love.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they're all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
If I dressed according to my salary I'd be naked all the time.
My worst decisions were often well thought out.
Your tweet contest hates you and so does everyone else. Relish that.