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I go camping all the time. Well, I start fires in my kitchen.
Let's go to Crate and Barrel and put our butts on stuff
I rarely meet people that I don't wish were on fire.
Adam Driver nurturing infants 12-month calendar
I play this fun game where I put on all the clothing I own and it feels like hugs
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that's only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I'll take a nerdy, intelligent woman over one with a perfect body every single chance I get.
I forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom. I think that counts as camping.
Girl, are you Kano from Mortal Kombat because you literally ripped my heart out. Also who yelled finish him before you did it, your new man?
The Allman Brothers couldn't have had a woman in the band for two reasons
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes...
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don't have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don't make the rules Karen
If you enjoy country music, I feel like that's something you need to tell people up front.
If you don't like something it's okay to shut the fuck up about it and find something you do like.
I was going to backpack across Europe, but then I thought it might be more fun if I just didn’t.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
People who can go all day without charging their phone must really have their life together.
Most people my age are older than me.
"THROWBACK THURSDAY!" I yelled as I pedaled my Barbie Big Wheel off a cliff.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If you audibly answer 'Yes' when Rupert Holmes sings 'Do You Like Piña Coladas?' during Sunday morning brunch...you might be an alcoholic.
GOLDEN GLOBE WINNER:
American Horror Story: Channing Tatum's Hair.
Me: Can I bet $20 on the Panthers to win the Super Bowl?
Government: Sorry, no
Me: Ok, can I buy 1k in powerball tickets?
G: Lol, of course
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
I'm beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
If burglars ever broke into my house to look for money, I'd probably just search with them
Sorry I acted crazy. It will happen again.
Take off all your clothes, no, leave your retainer on.
Anxiety feels like every time you pull a strand of hair off your tongue, two more take its place.
All my pajamas just banded together and pushed me out of the house.
I'm just a boy
Standing in front of a girl
Who's next to C-3PO
Who's behind an ewok
Who...wait, I think this is the line for Star Wars
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I want to perfect the messy bun to the point where girls question if I even have a home
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
WE WON'T ASK AGAIN
Ok guys, let's go. We can't ask again
Even the age he died at is cool
I haven't forgotten, I just don't think about you anymore.
It's weird how a celebrity's death can be so deeply felt, but today has an epic sadness written all over it. Planet earth is blue.
Can't I just win money like everyone else and wait until a family member dies and I inherent their shit
"The stars look very different today..."
The world has lost such an amazingly talented man. Rest easy, sir.
Most people believed in Godzilla until the emergence of the much more credible Sciencezilla
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don't be open.
I don't bother thinking before I speak... because I enjoy being surprised by what comes out of my mouth like everybody else.
A salad bar but instead of salad it's just different kinds of chips and dip.
Last night I couldn't sleep at all, just lying wide awake
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
If someone hurts your feelings by accident, make sure you take it personally and hold a grudge for the rest of your life.
If you have a problem with everyone, the problem is you.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Axl: Where do we go now?
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!