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Mary Poppins ™
comedyjokes 4,544 followers
It's not PMS if you've got it all month, sweetie, you're just a bitch.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
In Hell, every Dorito in the bag has a minimal amount of Dorito dust on it.
The best thing about moving back home is definitely NOT hearing my dad tell me he folded my "thong bikinis"
We get it, sun....you're fucking bright.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, "Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!"
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Do these pants make me look like I have baggage?
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
I'd go outside more if outside had air conditioning.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Oops, dropped a Prozac in the toilet. On the plus side, a depressed sewer rat is about to get a new lease on life.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Put yourself out there by punctuating every sentence with "and that's why I'm single."
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Nostalgic for breathing through my nose.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
I'm guessing the police outside this Starbucks has something to do with me dipping my hand in the tip jar..
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
When the glass is half empty, the ice will melt and fill it back up. No worries.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Lorde dances the way black girls think white girls dance.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Just a guy, with a beard, trying to take a picture of it, before he puts his clothes on. pic.twitter.com/sAajgTpeMI
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
It's so beautiful outside today...I might even open the curtains while I sit on the couch.
This Activia isn't working on my internal struggles. What the fuck, Jamie Lee!
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
I put my pants on like everybody else, just not on Sundays.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
We're all probably connected by six pizza places.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Dating must've been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Someone should tell sad people about boobs. 😞
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Takin selfies with no filters, just like the Quakers did.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
When twitter tells me somebody is 'similar to me' I follow them out of sympathy
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
I'm not crazy but the guy tied up in my trunk is screaming something I can't make out.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Mom says I have to wear this paper bag over my head because I'm TOO handsome.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
I wasn't going to judge you but then you licked your finger counting back my change.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
HR: ...and name a skill of yours. Me: Doing things with one hand. HR: Excuse me? Explain Me: ??? HR: ??? Me: [waves phone] HR: Get out
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
It's quite possible that the only reason I exist is to consume copious amounts of ham.
I've got my mind on my money* & my money* on my mind. *Doritos
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
I always add a "lol" to the ends to my texts to hide the bitchiness.
Him: I was supposed to get married in 2 wks but she cheated on me Me: I can't believe that! Him: Yeah... Me: Someone was gonna marry you?
I don't trust anyone who dislikes croutons.
4 yo wanted maple syrup for lunch, but I'm too lazy to make pancakes so I smothered a bagel in syrup. Hold on a sec while I win Pinterest.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
If you find a dead spider in your washing machine, are the clothes still clean? Nevermind, I set the whole thing on fire just to be safe.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
sneezing in your mother in laws face is a great way to get her to stop talking to you
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
If you talk to me about fate, destiny and chance, I'm going to presume you mean strippers.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
My superpower is talking myself out of exercising.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
I'm sorry I said that sucks when you told me you were getting married.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
How am I supposed to find a soulmate if I can't even match up my Tupperware?
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey
Don't worry, I'm only crazy enough to make the sex good.
Retweeted by Mrs. Gary Busey