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Mary Poppins ™
comedyjokes 4,544 followers
It's not PMS if you've got it all month, sweetie, you're just a bitch.
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In Hell, every Dorito in the bag has a minimal amount of Dorito dust on it.
The best thing about moving back home is definitely NOT hearing my dad tell me he folded my "thong bikinis"
We get it, sun....you're fucking bright.
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, "Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!"
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Do these pants make me look like I have baggage?
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I'd go outside more if outside had air conditioning.
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Oops, dropped a Prozac in the toilet. On the plus side, a depressed sewer rat is about to get a new lease on life.
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Put yourself out there by punctuating every sentence with "and that's why I'm single."
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Nostalgic for breathing through my nose.
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I'm guessing the police outside this Starbucks has something to do with me dipping my hand in the tip jar..
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When the glass is half empty, the ice will melt and fill it back up. No worries.
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Lorde dances the way black girls think white girls dance.
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Just a guy, with a beard, trying to take a picture of it, before he puts his clothes on. pic.twitter.com/sAajgTpeMI
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It's so beautiful outside today...I might even open the curtains while I sit on the couch.
This Activia isn't working on my internal struggles. What the fuck, Jamie Lee!
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I put my pants on like everybody else, just not on Sundays.
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We're all probably connected by six pizza places.
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Dating must've been so easy for cavemen. This my cave. This my fire. You like rock? I have many.
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Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
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Someone should tell sad people about boobs. 😞
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Takin selfies with no filters, just like the Quakers did.
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When twitter tells me somebody is 'similar to me' I follow them out of sympathy
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I'm not crazy but the guy tied up in my trunk is screaming something I can't make out.
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Mom says I have to wear this paper bag over my head because I'm TOO handsome.
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I wasn't going to judge you but then you licked your finger counting back my change.
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If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
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HR: ...and name a skill of yours. Me: Doing things with one hand. HR: Excuse me? Explain Me: ??? HR: ??? Me: [waves phone] HR: Get out
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It's quite possible that the only reason I exist is to consume copious amounts of ham.
I've got my mind on my money* & my money* on my mind. *Doritos
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I always add a "lol" to the ends to my texts to hide the bitchiness.
Him: I was supposed to get married in 2 wks but she cheated on me Me: I can't believe that! Him: Yeah... Me: Someone was gonna marry you?
I don't trust anyone who dislikes croutons.
4 yo wanted maple syrup for lunch, but I'm too lazy to make pancakes so I smothered a bagel in syrup. Hold on a sec while I win Pinterest.
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If you find a dead spider in your washing machine, are the clothes still clean? Nevermind, I set the whole thing on fire just to be safe.
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sneezing in your mother in laws face is a great way to get her to stop talking to you
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If you talk to me about fate, destiny and chance, I'm going to presume you mean strippers.
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My superpower is talking myself out of exercising.
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I'm sorry I said that sucks when you told me you were getting married.
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How am I supposed to find a soulmate if I can't even match up my Tupperware?
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I will follow anybody that's going to the liquor store.
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Don't worry, I'm only crazy enough to make the sex good.
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