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I got 99 problems but blackheads ain't one instagram.com/p/5db9yeSl0C/
Every day is National Junk Food day if you don't give a shit.
If you run into someone and they try to start a conversation, loudly whisper "Shhh, the movie's starting" and stare blankly into space.
It's nice to meet you, I'm very excited to maybe be myself around you in probably like 3 years
Lets hear it for all the jobbers out there. Helping solve crimes and shit.
Oh, Sims. How I've missed you so. 👍�instagram.com/p/5DLJ0HylxU/
Taking a break from cleaning to lie in bed and take selfies. You're welcome. #SundayNotsofunday instagram.com/p/5DAG5bSl4b/
I don't remember seeing that on the menu
Over 55% of Beijing smokers want to quit after blanket smoking ban taking effect: Poll xhne.ws/g4BSI
I appear calm, but as I wait for my drink,
I can feel a tantrum brewing.
One the likes of which this Applebee's has never seen.
The list of my nicknames at work. My coworkers are desperately trying to make it to 20 by EOB.
You can download the OS X El Capitan and iOS 9 public betas now tnw.me/IPg70gK
When you're trying to poop and the bathroom is full so you can only push when someone flushes. That.
🎶 Under the sea �QF
I don't debate on Twitter because no one changes their mind. That gets frustrating for me because I know everything.
Perfect day to light someone you hate on fire and claim it was a "fireworks accident".
And the gayest statement of the night award goes to my roomie for her performance in "I can't go that night, I'm going to a fondue party".
My Burger King crown fell apart in the pool again. I can never have anything nice.
I'm about 3 beers away from putting on an adult diaper.
I returned my treadmill because the box was stapled shut and I couldn't open it.
Twitter has a "sign out" button. That's cute.
I'm 100% white & 0% racist.
I'm 100% male & 0% misogynistic.
I'm 96.734182% straight & 0% homophobic.
Live & let live, or fuck off & die.
Your avi says, "I'm pretty, I know it, and there's a very good chance I will kill you in your sleep."
One of the fun things I like to do is ruin things in my head before they ever have a chance to happen
Boss: Are you high?
Me: You and I both know that I don't make enough money to have a drug habit.
Sunday Funday! 👍🏼👏🏼🍺 @ Bragan Finstagram.com/p/36vpMrSlww/
Just me and my Pooter, pooting our lives away at the Tax Collector.
Sunday Funday with Mom 👍🏼�instagram.com/p/3po3f0yl02/
Walking passed the fridge, it would be rude not to get some cheese
Can't be rude, not to cheese
My friend... the cheese
Marry me, cheese
Look, just take my nude photos. Don't make this weird.
After this drink, I'm going to bed!
(I said to myself 3 drinks ago)
It's not that I don't want to meet your parents
I just already had plans of driving into oncoming traffic
MISSED CONNECTION: You were a nurse in the ER. I accidentally pooped in my urine sample.
I'm the baddest bitch in this Yankee Candle
sometimes when I'm petting my cat and he's purring I wonder if he's faking it
Turn it off. Please turn it off and never turn it back on again.
is a vegetable, right? #thirsty
I have felt personally victimized by Regina George.
Stop yelling at me!!!
When a girl says "Do what you want"
You lost me at "let's go to Applebee's."
If you've seen me trying to get a vending machine to accept my dollar bill, you've pretty much seen my sex tape.
In my defense, I was left unsupervised
About referring to trans people by their former name because it's their "real" name:
Winning a fight with your gf is like winning a vacation to Detroit. Don't get too excited