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comedychildren 14,546 followers
Another quick tip to get you through the day —QUIETLY!
Cheers... Welcome to the family! #RuinAWeddingIn5Words
I'm A Sh*tty Mother And A Horrible Wife, But Hey... At Least She Got Dressed! #Parenting #Humor
Helping my daughter with homework is like getting a root canal without Novocain.
RT @stockejock: My kid’s sleep number is Benadryl.
Or better yet... How To Close A Refrigerator Door! (So many educational opportunities; so little time.)
Learn how to become a more courteous snacker in todays episode of "Common Sense Etiquette!" #MommyMonday
There is nothing in this world BETTER than the imagination of a child —nothing!
“I like watching the same movie over and over again. It gives me company and I always know what’s going to happen.” ~ My father
Please tell me I’m not the only 5’2” middle-aged mother of a sweet little girl whose spirit animal is Ludacris.
I should've done this YEARS ago. Just goes to show... You CAN teach an old dog new tricks!
My girl... She’s even polite in her pictures.
I don't care HOW many donuts Bradley Cooper had to eat for that role, I still wouldn't kick him out of bed for getting crumbs all over.
Thank God we're seeing American Sniper so I won't have to shove the bag in his face. Let the bullets fly...
I need to do a tutorial on "How not to chomp your fucking popcorn" so the dude sitting right next to me in our "assigned seats" will #STFU!
Yeah, but can you wash a DISH?! ;-) RT @Brad_Howington: The Writer's Daily is out!…
The husband just told me he was going to walk the dog and I responded with “copy that.” I really need to cut back on my Netflix.
4-year-old: What’s an antique? Me: Something old and useless. 4: Are you an antique?
How To Push A Button - @sassypiehole | You've been warned!
An informative "how to guide" for the men in your life who can't seem to figure it out:
Busted. RT @HiveBestHumor: You’re bitching about your miserable life on a $500 smartphone. Think about that.
RT @AndyMarsolais: If your man is reluctant to talk about his feelings, it’s probably because you haven’t told him what they are yet
RT @XplodingUnicorn: Me: Don’t talk back to me. 4-year-old: But then how will you know you’re wrong?
RT @XplodingUnicorn: No matter how bad your day is going, you haven’t truly fucked up until you end up on “Dr. Phil.” --inspirational tweet
Tired of finding dishes in the sink? Me too! So I made an instructional video. Thanks @BertShowBert —great idea!
I miss my grandfathers n̶u̶t̶s̶ pistachios (it's all in how you word it).
Cleaning the house and just caught myself screaming, “Why do I have so many fucking shoes?!” I’ll wash my OWN mouth out with soap.
If pants could talk, mine would be singing the blues.
And in other news... THIS just happened:…
I will have succeeded as a parent when my daughter can sing all the words to "The Rappers Delight."
When you tell me to "drink responsibly," I'm going to take that to mean "don't spill it."
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.
Round three of "mean mom versus the pip-squeak" has begun... *DING* Which one do you think is the heavyweight?
Just found this on the kitchen floor. Kitty post-op.
Thanks, @lifehacker... Good thing my 7yo is on a 4th grade reading level!
It's not my milkshake that brings all the boys to the yard, it's the free beer and strippers.
Boom. RT @XplodingUnicorn: 4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work? Me: No, I have to listen to my boss. 4: Mom is at your work?
Just blew the sugar off my donut. #DietingSucks
Are you following me on Facebook? I'm going to attempt to interact more, but really hate to party alone! *hints*
show off RT @BuzzFeedUK The world’s most awesome mum commissioned a Batmobile stroller for son…
"Mommy... Can you PLEASE butter BOTH sides of my toast this morning?!"
I challenge you to find a better negotiator than a seven-year-old at bedtime on a school night.