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SASSYPIEHOLE

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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One day, Donald Trump is going to look a reporter straight in the eyes on national TV and say "I never ran for President."
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One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.
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Got a free pass on Sunday and caught @drivinncryin at @windjammeriop - the only thing missing was @rblazak 🙌🎧�AuG9
And this is what we call "subliminal promotions." We ❤️ you, @SciofParenthood #IJWTBP 🙌instagram.com/p/BIa-g3cDCls/Y
Things were getting all hot and heavy until I realized it was just sand in my pants.
If it looks like water and smells like water it's probably vodka. #glasshalffull
Sorry I smacked the kazoo out of your attention whore child's mouth.
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Turns out I’m not an afternoon person, either.
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I could eat nothing for a month and still feel like a walrus in a pair of SPANX.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf? Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
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Protip: Never apply Chapstick in the men's restroom.
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Not sure if I should read the news or chew on broken glass.
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Maybe the guy drinking vodka behind that dumpster isn't homeless. Maybe he's married.
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Me: [in bathroom] 7yo: [knocks] MOMMY? Me: Yeah pal 7: IT'S ME Me: I know 7: YOUR SON Me: Knew that too
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Attention people wearing flip-flops:
The only place a parent can draw the line is at the beach. And THAT'S just so they can kick sand in your face.
Me: When I was a kid, everyone had to share one TV. 6-year-old: I don't believe you. Me: That we shared? 6: That you had TV back then.
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I just rolled my eyes so hard that I parted my hair on the opposite side.
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In Hell, you're always stuck in that annoying 14 seconds between Netflix episodes.
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My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls
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I can't even remember what I looked like before filters.
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Ask me how I REALLY feel. #iPhone7
Any room is a panic room if enough of your exes are in it...
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My 3 biggest fears: 3) Clowns 2) Death 1) Death by clowns
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I once opened a fortune cookie and the paper was totally blank, it really couldn't have been more right.
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It’s just like riding a bicycle, except with no handlebars, in the dark, and drunk.
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Listening to my father trying to explain a math problem to his granddaughter is like drinking whiskey out of a Sippy cup.
FB Live? The whole point of FB was that we wouldn't have to see anyone live.
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Some moron just waved hello to my dog like she had hands and now I'm wondering who the animal is.
Why I have no friends: Them: "Marco!" Me: "Shut the fuck up."
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
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Autocorrect just changed "not" into "nachos," and I whispered, 'you complete me.'
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Lisa René LeClair reading "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" youtu.be/seYnoaPf-yU?li… via @YouTube #ScaredStraight #ButILived
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa's "push it" and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
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Confidence will get you places, but arrogance will make sure you are not there long.
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I used to care about what other people thought of me and now I shout things like, "You can do it!" in public bathrooms.
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Having a body that won't quit sounds exhausting.
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Problem solved. Sort of.
Finally got my medical marijuana card today. Now all they need to do is legalize prostitution and I'll be fully healed.
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[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral] sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
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Unless this movie takes a dramatic turn, it seems the theme of Little Mermaid is "be pretty, be quiet, and all your dreams will come true".
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