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SASSYPIEHOLE

I wish my appetite could burn calories.
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You're pretty much an adult as soon as you start remembering to clear your browser history
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Steven Tyler is just a 'World's Best Grandma' sweatshirt away from being that chain-smoking woman playing slots beside you at the casino.
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Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?
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Does making each other miserable count as a holiday tradition?
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You can't card me and call me ma'am. Pick one.
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Taco trucks would be cooler if they drove around the neighborhood like ice cream trucks and also sold booze.
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I'd rather my nudes leak than a picture of the face I make when I'm trimming my nose hair
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I wish I loved anything as much as my kid loves making me have to repeat myself
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My wife is having sex with a Rolex salesman while I sit on the end of the bed...because I just wanna watch.
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Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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[In bed] Me: Do that thing I like. Husband: The laundry? Me: Mmmmmm...and make sure my yoga pants are in there.
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"Quinoa" sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
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Autocorrect changed 'Mmmmmm' to 'Mmm', as if that bitch knows my degree of delight.
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I've literally never told someone you said hi
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To reward his good behavior, I offered to get my 6yo @McDonalds. He said "No, fast food makes me not feel good." He should be parenting me.
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There's nothing quite like opening the styrofoam lid to smell the overwhelming regret of Panda Express.
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We're all friends here. - alcohol
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The cool thing about vacuuming is that the sound drowns out your scream-sobbing.
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This wine tastes like everyone can make their own dinner.
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My son just asked what The Breakfast Club was and I told him it was "an old movie" and then I cried for six hours
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All I’m saying is it’s a fine line between badass and dumbass.
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My favourite social activity is sitting alone with my phone.
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When the Target cashier asked if I had any exciting weekend plans, I gestured, Vanna-like, at the conveyor belt, and began softly crying.
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I'm white but not "all my kids names start with the same letter" white.
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You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don't have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can't be sure.
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I would do anything for love, but I won't unplug my phone to let you charge your phone until mine is fully charged. No, I won't do that.
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Oh god plz fuck off with your "skinny" Thanksgiving recipes, I came to win.
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I'm like that bottle of vodka you keep drinking even though you know you've had enough
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What I lack in personality, I don't make up for in any other way
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87% of being an adult is muttering "this is bullshit" under your breath.
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Nothing says motherhood like sneezing after childbirth.
For every man that grunts while lifting weights in public, another woman dies a virgin.
It's only sarcasm if you can hear me.
I dont work out, but sometimes I'll let people go through my phone for 30 secs to get my heart rate up.
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6: What's it like to be a grown up? Me: You know how you hate getting new socks for Christmas? 6: Yeah. Me: That's literally all I want.
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Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can't unfollow.
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My 5 yo started a sentence with, "After you die and I get married" so no, I don't think Disney has influenced her reality too much.
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I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
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I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
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Knowledge is power, Unless you give it to stupid people. Then it just becomes an argument on the internet.
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My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
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Ugh, get me out of here. -me, stuck in the house Ugh, get me out of here. -me, stuck in public
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Does this seasonal depression make my ass look big?
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The best thing about insomnia is the extra meal you get each day...
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I prefer my Thanksgiving yams with brown sugar and marshmallows. And without yams.
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The worst part about being humble is that you can't brag about it.
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