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SASSYPIEHOLE

According to my 7 year old daughter, one of my cats was "hissing the other one off"
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I was all, "Fugdagshig," I'll just brush my teeth with vodka." ~ in response to the boil water advisory from last night's storm.
“Stop sniffing her armpit!” That concludes today’s edition of Things I Never Thought I’d Have to Yell at My Kids in a Crowded Restaurant.
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10: Mom what's a metaphor? Me: My life is a train wreck. 10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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I promised my daughter she could mop the floors today. Not sure whether to hug her or cry because now I get to clean the house on Sunday.
I will break into your house if I smell pancakes
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Son: Dad, I need some advice. Me: Don't ever go boating with Phil Collins. Son: ... Me: Write that shit down.
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I wish Twinkies were filled with confidence
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Job interview tip. Tell the interviewer you're an appliCAN, not an applicant. At this point, offer your hand for a high five.
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I only have two settings, stop and hammertime.
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At my funeral my body will be stuffed like a pinata and everyone can beat me until the fun size candy falls out
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'Why I've Got A Placenta In My Freezer' | Inside Voice 13 po.st/eWoIRv via @Po_st
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I pet the dog last night and she exploded. Also, I hate balloons and still can't find my glasses.
I like to watch Million Dollar Listing while eating Doritos on my dilapidated couch and wiping away tears with past due notices.
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
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I remember when bathtime meant candles and soft music. Now it's just a series of blood curdling screams followed by an $80 water bill.
Motherhood requires a thick tongue because we bite off more than we can chew.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" ~ Moms
My dad kept asking his name because he thought he was an actual Prince. #PrinceWHAT?
My "to do" list has been reduced to one don't; therefore, I promise not kill anyone... today.
I trust you about as much as a rotisserie chicken from Walmart.
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Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
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No, YOU just licked all the cheese off your daughter's personal pan pizza!
This Nerd Is Rewriting ’50 Shades Of Grey’ And It’s Better Than The Original (54 Pics): boredpanda.com/50-shades-of-g…
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I got up in front of 200ppl and lived to tell about it: Overcoming Stage Fright While Listening To Your Mother ow.ly/4n4Gg2 #LTYM
No one has a superiority complex like a person waiting in a long checkout line with one item.
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Is assholery even a word? It should be.
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So excited for #BlogU16 attendee @sassypiehole as she gets ready to take the stage today in #Atlanta for @LTYMshow! Good luck!
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My mom: *glances at my phone* I can't believe 421 people follow you. Me: 421,000. Mom: God, the Internet is a sad place.
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The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball, is directly in front of me..
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My girl, @MommyTalkShow OWNING IT yesterday. Come see 13 of us do it again tonight! ltymatlanta.bpt.me
Unless you ran it with a wooden leg, please shut up about your marathon.
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Only a handful of tickets left for the #Atlanta @LTYMshow this Saturday. #BadassMoms Find out more here: ow.ly/4mYY6w
My cat just followed me on a 20 minute walk with the dog like some sort of goddamn animal.
Trying to ignore others' bullshit is a lot easier when you slip an Ambien in their coffee.
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Redneck fairy tales replace "Once upon a time" with .... "Y'all not gonna believe this shit"
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Being married is like getting to take the hot girl home every night, only when you get her home, she puts on weird face cream & goes to bed.
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3 more days! Marietta Patch: LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER SHOW patch.com/georgia/mariet…
 
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