According to my 7 year old daughter, one of my cats was "hissing the other one off"
I was all, "Fugdagshig," I'll just brush my teeth with vodka."
~ in response to the boil water advisory from last night's storm.
“Stop sniffing her armpit!”
That concludes today’s edition of Things I Never Thought I’d Have to Yell at My Kids in a Crowded Restaurant.
10: Mom what's a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
I promised my daughter she could mop the floors today. Not sure whether to hug her or cry because now I get to clean the house on Sunday.
I will break into your house if I smell pancakes
One of my favorite stories... twitter.com/insidevoicepod…
Saturday morning curse. (via @simoncholland
Son: Dad, I need some advice.
Me: Don't ever go boating with Phil Collins.
Me: Write that shit down.
I wish Twinkies were filled with confidence
Job interview tip. Tell the interviewer you're an appliCAN, not an applicant. At this point, offer your hand for a high five.
I only have two settings, stop and hammertime.
Going on nine years now. #thestruggleisreal
At my funeral my body will be stuffed like a pinata and everyone can beat me until the fun size candy falls out
'Why I've Got A Placenta In My Freezer' | Inside Voice 13 po.st/eWoIRv
I pet the dog last night and she exploded. Also, I hate balloons and still can't find my glasses.
I like to watch Million Dollar Listing while eating Doritos on my dilapidated couch and wiping away tears with past due notices.
'The Piercing Incident' | Inside Voice 11 po.st/x0l4Gv
A pretty important part of being a dad is waiting in the car.
I remember when bathtime meant candles and soft music. Now it's just a series of blood curdling screams followed by an $80 water bill.
Motherhood requires a thick tongue because we bite off more than we can chew.
"Are you fucking kidding me?"
My dad kept asking his name because he thought he was an actual Prince. #PrinceWHAT
My "to do" list has been reduced to one don't; therefore, I promise not kill anyone... today.
I trust you about as much as a rotisserie chicken from Walmart.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
No, YOU just licked all the cheese off your daughter's personal pan pizza!
One man's garbage is another man's second wife.
This Nerd Is Rewriting ’50 Shades Of Grey’ And It’s Better Than The Original (54 Pics): boredpanda.com/50-shades-of-g…
I got up in front of 200ppl and lived to tell about it: Overcoming Stage Fright While Listening To Your Mother ow.ly/4n4Gg2 #LTYM
No one has a superiority complex like a person waiting in a long checkout line with one item.
Is assholery even a word? It should be.
So excited for #BlogU16
as she gets ready to take the stage today in #Atlanta
! Good luck!
Help, My 8yo Wants To Shave Her Legs! bit.ly/1SCf5py @sassypiehole
My mom: *glances at my phone* I can't believe 421 people follow you.
Mom: God, the Internet is a sad place.
The safest place to stand when I hit a golf ball, is directly in front of me..
My girl, @MommyTalkShow
OWNING IT yesterday. Come see 13 of us do it again tonight!
Unless you ran it with a wooden leg, please shut up about your marathon.
Only a handful of tickets left for the #Atlanta @LTYMshow
this Saturday. #BadassMoms
Find out more here: ow.ly/4mYY6w
My cat just followed me on a 20 minute walk with the dog like some sort of goddamn animal.
Trying to ignore others' bullshit is a lot easier when you slip an Ambien in their coffee.
Redneck fairy tales replace
"Once upon a time" with ....
"Y'all not gonna believe this shit"
Put Prince on the 69 dollar bill
Being married is like getting to take the hot girl home every night, only when you get her home, she puts on weird face cream & goes to bed.
3 more days! Marietta Patch: LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER SHOW patch.com/georgia/mariet…