Some day, I'm gonna save up enough money to buy grandma a new Mercedes so the next time I want something she... fb.me/v9uEqDhx
One minute it's fine to put your stuff on the curb with a free sign the next it's all ma'am you can't leave your kids here.
If you ask your wife what's for dinner and she says "Pop-Tarts" ask no more questions, assume the day's been a shit show & eat the Pop-Tarts
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
The wedding vows should say:
"Do you promise to love him when he can't ever find anything on his own?"
“Still got it,” I whisper to myself as a detangle a Hot Wheel from my hair.
The one thing no one told me about raising children is how many Band Aids there'd be.
I look good for being five months pregnant even though I'm not even pregnant.
What the fuck I need abs for?
Her: I can't believe you went out of your way to be an asshole
Me: I did not go out of my way
CDC Warns Parents About This Dangerous Hotel Pool Habit via @momdotme ow.ly/cvEf30cl8pj
Public Isn’t Here For Your Delayed-Vaxxing Excuses ow.ly/wSby30cfif8
"You should lose weight."
~ my ass
Don't just hear the birds sing. Fucking listen to them.
One time, all my laundry was done, but then I had kids.
Summer is just a hotter version of my kids being bored.
The Downside of Grandparents Taking Care of the Kids via @momdotme ow.ly/TObZ30c8msf
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
My 10 yr old just put down the iPad and played manhunt in the dark with the neighborhood kids. She's basically a Navy Seal now. So proud.
There are times I'm convinced I'd make an excellent spy and then there are times I lose my girlfriend in a pack of white women at Starbucks.
Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you've been fucked to death by a thousand pillows.
"This calzone is delicious! You must give me the recipe!"
It's a hot pocket.
Facebook- Did you hear about...
Twitter- Yeah like five hours ago.
Discovering I was colorblind came completely out of the orange.
Will someone please tell my kid that a Dutch oven isn't something you do in the car!
Opening up the top button on your shirt to expose the curly black hairs on your chest is the sexiest thing a woman can ever do.
If my kid asks for a snack one more time I swear to God I'm gonna give her a Snickers.
Let Them Grow: What It Really Feels Like To Miss Your Kids Firsts | SASSYPIEHOLE sassypiehole.com/2017/05/24/let…
Let Them Grow: What It Really Feels Like To Miss Your Kids Firsts sassypiehole.com/2017/05/24/let…
2 Reasons This Dad Says He's the Luckiest Man Alive (there aren't enough eye-rolls in the world) ow.ly/wOmQ30bZWRH
2 Reasons This Dad Says He’s the Luckiest Man Alive (and one rhymes with bouche) via @momdotme
If you cut off a millenial's head they keep taking selfies for 3mins.
Your baby was a lot cuter when I thought it was a dog.
Me: I think I love you.
Him: Ma’am, please just sign for your pizza.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I'm going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
*rage sings the alphabet song*
At least 20% of parenting is just peeling stickers off of things.
These Underwear Styles Work Way Better Now That You’re a Mom ow.ly/zd7T30bTUg8
Isla's kindergarten teacher just sent these to me. I miss those days so much. Amazing how quickly time goes by.... fb.me/6FPYz69zS
Parents: if you think you’re “one and done,” you might want to read this first. ow.ly/GSir30bSAU4
via @momdotme #onlychildsyndrome
"I just drove 45 mph on the highway like some kind of goddamn stuntman."
~ Atlanta drivers after reopening the 85 bridge
Friend: I like your lip gloss.
Me: Thanks, it’s bacon grease.
If cussing in front of my kids makes me a bad parent, then shit.
Have you tried opening a GoFundMe account?
Kids With Depressed Moms Need This Kind of Dad To Be OK ow.ly/9But30bNAGk