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SASSYPIEHOLE
comedychildren 15,113 followers
I gave up Lent for Lent thirty years ago. Now I just smear ash on my forehead to fit in.
This is what happens when a group of seven-year-olds get together and come up with a list of baby names: sassypiehole.com/bitch-and-moan…
Waiting for school to start so I can clean the house will be the highlight of my day.
If procrastination were a super power, I would rule the world. #cleaning
II can see how that could be a challenge. instagram.com/p/zR9HYInxGn/
Sorry I said "You'll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
How To Make A Bed The Lazy Man's Way: youtu.be/-hQcNAQ13ak?a via @YouTube
Wanna know what happened yesterday? This is exactly the kind of shit that makes me wish I was invisible. sassypiehole.com/bitch-and-moan…
If I were Miley's grandma, I'd make everyone call me "Granna Montana." Then I'd cut her out of my will until she stopped licking things.
How does Teflon stick to a pan if nothing sticks to it?
If Jimmy cracked corn and you don't care, why did you write a song about it?
I wish someone would invent a money scented perfume so I could at least "smell" rich.
I hate how you can't talk in the library, but you can whisper really loud.
Every time I find myself wishing I was a less offensive and more caring individual, I meet some asshole that justifies my existence.
"You'd better pick that lip up off the floor before the dog confuses it for a link of sausage." ...and other bad parenting tips from mom.
The hub said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I ate an entire bag of chips and slept on the couch.
"Daddy said school is delayed until 10:00!" (I know) "How does everybody know this before ME?!" (magic 8 ball) "Seriously?"
Me: Do you think I’m brave? Wife: You jumped when the toast came out of the toaster Me: Everyone does Wife: Then you cried for 9 minutes.
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Woke up this morning and everything felt tight. I could barely even zip up my pants! And then it hit me... #FatTuesday #excuses
If Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil had a party, I bet somebody would trip over one of their ego's and end up needing a REAL doctor.
I ran a Bates Motel marathon this weekend and all I can think about is that damn dog in his room.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
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It only took me 47 years to realize that Daphne's eyes go from black to blue to purple. I always thought it was mom's brownies.
Even if you don't like him, you gotta love his sense of humor. #PresidentsDay #ThanksObama vine.co/v/OPq02dpidBM
Looks like Cupid's aim was a little off. instagram.com/p/zLn3QznxFd/
4-year-old: My friend stole my red crayon and left me an orange one. Me: What did you do? 4-year-old: I drew him on fire.
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The only math I’m good at is adding insult to injury.
Yes. There actually IS a right way to open a coconut and sometimes it pays to listen. ow.ly/J8JAB
15 minutes of laughter followed by a prescription for lithium. That's the LAST time I asked my therapist if I'm progressing!
How the fuck did anyone help their kids with homework before google?
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I feel like I'm hung over, but I haven't had a drink since before Christmas. It's true what they say… Karma really is a bitch!
I wish she'd cut the shit with that mean face. It's not MY fault the line is so long! pic.twitter.com/yH0T6zoN09
My dads a complete idiot who drives me crazy 99.9% of the time, but dammit, I fucking love that guy.
People in Atlanta drive like assholes. But not me. I drive like a proctologist who’s late for a meeting.
The last two minutes on an elliptical machine are like a visit from the MIL. <<insert punchline here>>
Michele Ferrero, the maker of @NutellaUSA, dies on Valentine's Day which only proves my theory: Love hurts.
The only thing worse than "bowling arm" was my score last night. Not to brag, but I did win Best Spirit. I OWNED those gutter balls!
So THIS is what it's like to go out at night on a Saturday. ow.ly/i/8Ei4F
(why don’t you quit what you’re doing and come eat) “I’m not finished yet!” (even designers stop for lunch) “Not the GOOD ones!”
LMAO @Super_Cynthia RT @HuffingtonPost: 20 hilarious tweets from women this week huff.to/17y2Pkj
It's Valentine's Day, so I think I'll wear the jade dress to my pretend dinner.
Love is in the air today. Hold your fucking breath.
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