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SASSYPIEHOLE

What You Can’t See In These Photos Is The Best Thing About Them ow.ly/m2RU30aAExh via @momdotme
What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
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Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.
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A wicked witch is just a fairy godmother who's had enough of your shit.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
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On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I've been "getting ready to vacuum" for the past two weeks.
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Sorry I got all, "Black olives matter," during your how-to demonstration on White Pizza.
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I may look calm, but in my head I have killed you at least 5 times.
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*Emergency* Interstate 85 in Atlanta GA has just collapsed due to fire under bridge. All lanes blocked. Avoid the area.
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#Atlanta is on fire y'all. What is happening in our fine ass city?! ❤
Babes (Literally) In Pumps. Can We Just Not? ow.ly/d7Be30anYjW via @momdotme #peeweepumps #stopitworld
How These 5 Moms Feel In Bikinis For the First Time After Baby via @momdotme ow.ly/mGxi30alJ9W #mombod
I wish it were as easy getting kids to brush their teeth as it is to offend people on Facebook.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown* Me: Sweetie, you need to share Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
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In high school I was in a band called "Ska Mitzvah" and played alto sax, so no, I don't know how to open your fucking beer with a lighter.
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Grab a tissue: Abused Toddler, Naked in the Snow, Rescued By Amazing Little Dog ow.ly/vJKp30acmZ3 via @momdotme
Be yourself, but as far away from me as possible.
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Me: I hate one-uppers. One-upper: Not as much as I do.
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Establish dominance in the car by turning up the music whenever someone talks.
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Rules For How Many Times You Can Wear a Bra Without Washing It via @momdotme ow.ly/kDtl30aam7x
At this point, I should just claim Amazon Prime as a dependent.
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It's about time a woman in power started hitting below the belt: Lawmaker Proposes Outlawing Masturbation ow.ly/DX5M309Zcst @momdotme
Bitches aren’t the ONLY ones who get shit done: The Great Way Dads Are Getting Help With Parenting ow.ly/uBjK309WGKB via @momdotme
It would be weird if my kid actually did what I asked. #momproblems #mindblown
Way to go, @anistonsux ! Sister Slams Brother's Deadbeat Dad in Epic Princess Cake Battle ow.ly/GKuW309UzCS via @momdotme
#CaseyAnthony Speaks Publicly For The First Time In 9 Years (and no one cares) ow.ly/sbe3309NAbq via @momdotme #STFU
So You're Not Losing Your Mind When You Mix Up the Kids' Names #thankyouscience ow.ly/Mzi2309Luji via @momdotme
If you've never taken your kids to Target for dinner so you didn't have to cook, are you even a parent?
I'm saving all my good jokes for International Men's Day.
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Today is International Women's Day and I'm over here like, "Pick up your fucking socks!"
Pregnant Woman’s Giraffe Video Is All Of Us at 9 Months Pregnant ow.ly/V01Z309GQG8 via @momdotme #AprilTheGiraffe
Photographer Gets The Best Pictures of Surprise Car Birth ow.ly/Mxs0309zuEt via @momdotme
If you’re a SAHM in need of $$, these are the companies that WANT you to stay home with your kids! ow.ly/cXV0309uO7P via @momdotme
Me: I'm so nervous. Group: It's OK. You're safe here. M: My name is Jackie and I'm an alcoholic. G: This is Weight Watchers
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Parenting is 98% wishing kids were quieter and 2% imagining every worst-case scenario when they actually are quiet.
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Calm the fuck down, people who hip check you for a number at the deli counter. There's plenty of shitty potato salad for everyone.
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I'm not inappropriate......you're boring. I win.
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Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
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Don't stop looking until you find someone who treats you as well as my kids treat me when they're trying to earn back their screen time.
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I just got hit in the ear with a high velocity tennis ball if you were wondering what motherhood felt like.
Mom Warns That Cluster Feeding Led to Her Newborn’s Death ow.ly/oEDN309skqv via @momdotme
I'll use Barbie's leg to stir my drink. IDGAF
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I wonder if I can tell your age by counting the rings around your neck in your selfie.
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How can I feel this empty inside while wearing a super plus tampon?
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Me: My throat hurts. WebMD: Try shutting the fuck up.
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