Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
How did Beyonce having twins not fix things
A Slinky but it's just me, drunk, going down the stairs.
A guy with two teeth just told me my sweater was on inside out
There's more Canadians on Twitter than there are Canadians.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can't get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I'm just a seductive smile away from slapping someone.
When it comes to family, I choose my dog and I don't even have a dog.
an ugg just saw it's shadow. six more weeks until pumpkin lattes.
Put lavender essential oils in your cleaning products to help calm your nerves while you're rage cleaning.
MOM: Eat your peas.
ALSO MOM: Dodges peas.
The Real Reason Behind Food Fights with Your Toddler ow.ly/dgGn30ehKUZ
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
I'd love to hear more about your DM room drama but I'm too busy being 57.
"Dad can I sit on your shoulders to watch the parade?"
Dad: Dammit Zack, you're 32 and you're taller than me
Me: But I'm tired of standing
Netflix and chil...dren.
Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.
Life is too short to worry about whether or not your tweets suck.
How Much Would You Pay to Guarantee a Healthy Baby? ow.ly/2aRN30e9qoF
The Eye-Opening Test That Could Help Diagnose Autism Disorders ow.ly/Daaa30e7EVH
Some angry lady started yelling at me to hold the elevator door open for her but I was too busy pushing the close door button.
Your Toddler Already Knows More About Writing Than You Think ow.ly/acey30e06IP
Why Didn’t We Think of This Genius Use For Condoms?
Restaurant Limits Moms and Dads to Just One Drinky-Drink ow.ly/Badl30dUBIc
You know you're getting old when your kid offers to "throw in a few bucks" at the supermarket.
"We've barely even argued today."
~ Isla Stella, Age 9
Why Parents Should Put Up With Their Kids’ Bad Behavior ow.ly/vhiH30dLHmp
It's like parenting, only instead of arguing about everything under the sun, you get to walk them silently...on a leash.
The Mid-Pregnancy Habit You Should Probably Try to Kick ow.ly/naph30dEa4G
"You know what's sad? I was about to tap the paper and talk into it."
~ My kid, age 9
Electroshock study makes surprising find: Punishment Doesn't Work, So You Might As Well Stop! ow.ly/knc330dxZO5
Is it too early to start celebrating?
Doctors Warn Against This Sparkly Trend ow.ly/cFHc30dsogg #glitterbomb
I'm bored. How much longer?
~ mom at the pool
The Breastfeeding Health Risk No One Talks About ow.ly/ZV9D30dpKuz
Would You Leave Your Kindergartener Home Alone? I have mixed feelings on this. ow.ly/9EEb30dnJlX
What We Now Know About Kids Who Were Born Very Premature ow.ly/LyHi30cYecH
. Via @momdotme
The latest Cool Moms & Dads on Twittah! paper.li/MsShrinkxHIPS/…
Thanks to @sassypiehole #ad #win
Why encourage potty breaks when your kid can just shit in the pool?
I don't always scream bloody murder, but when I do it's over a rubber band bracelet that was lost in the pool.
What We Now Know About Kids Who Were Born Very Premature ow.ly/hFaF30cQrlq
The Sad and Unlikely Source of Most Mom-Shaming ow.ly/tJxr30cMQuf
Exactly. (follow @sassypiehole
A Really Sad Reason We Need to Get Kids’ Eating on Lockdown ow.ly/ui5V30cEU5f
I act pretty tough for a guy who just ironed a pair of corduroys.
Over 7 billion people on earth and I only like about 10 of them.
"I'm sorry, but..."
- people who are definitely not sorry
Boy, I sound like a real asshole when my kids impersonate me.
They say you don't know love until you become a parent, and that's because you finally understand how much you love sleep. Or sitting down.
Fetuses Love Faces, Even When They’re Still in the Womb