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SASSYPIEHOLE

Some day, I'm gonna save up enough money to buy grandma a new Mercedes so the next time I want something she... fb.me/v9uEqDhx
One minute it's fine to put your stuff on the curb with a free sign the next it's all ma'am you can't leave your kids here.
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If you ask your wife what's for dinner and she says "Pop-Tarts" ask no more questions, assume the day's been a shit show & eat the Pop-Tarts
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
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I've never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
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The wedding vows should say: "Do you promise to love him when he can't ever find anything on his own?"
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“Still got it,” I whisper to myself as a detangle a Hot Wheel from my hair.
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The one thing no one told me about raising children is how many Band Aids there'd be.
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I look good for being five months pregnant even though I'm not even pregnant.
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Her: I can't believe you went out of your way to be an asshole Me: I did not go out of my way
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CDC Warns Parents About This Dangerous Hotel Pool Habit via @momdotme ow.ly/cvEf30cl8pj
Public Isn’t Here For Your Delayed-Vaxxing Excuses ow.ly/wSby30cfif8 via @momdotme
"You should lose weight." ~ my ass
Don't just hear the birds sing. Fucking listen to them.
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One time, all my laundry was done, but then I had kids.
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Summer is just a hotter version of my kids being bored.
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The Downside of Grandparents Taking Care of the Kids via @momdotme ow.ly/TObZ30c8msf
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
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My 10 yr old just put down the iPad and played manhunt in the dark with the neighborhood kids. She's basically a Navy Seal now. So proud.
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There are times I'm convinced I'd make an excellent spy and then there are times I lose my girlfriend in a pack of white women at Starbucks.
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Bob Ross is very calming. 5 min into this show, it feels like you've been fucked to death by a thousand pillows.
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"This calzone is delicious! You must give me the recipe!" It's a hot pocket.
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Facebook- Did you hear about... Twitter- Yeah like five hours ago.
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Discovering I was colorblind came completely out of the orange.
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Will someone please tell my kid that a Dutch oven isn't something you do in the car!
Opening up the top button on your shirt to expose the curly black hairs on your chest is the sexiest thing a woman can ever do.
If my kid asks for a snack one more time I swear to God I'm gonna give her a Snickers.
Let Them Grow: What It Really Feels Like To Miss Your Kids Firsts | SASSYPIEHOLE sassypiehole.com/2017/05/24/let… via @sassypiehole
Let Them Grow: What It Really Feels Like To Miss Your Kids Firsts sassypiehole.com/2017/05/24/let…
2 Reasons This Dad Says He's the Luckiest Man Alive (there aren't enough eye-rolls in the world) ow.ly/wOmQ30bZWRH via @momdotme
2 Reasons This Dad Says He’s the Luckiest Man Alive (and one rhymes with bouche) via @momdotme ow.ly/o4Cp30bZnY3
If you cut off a millenial's head they keep taking selfies for 3mins.
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Your baby was a lot cuter when I thought it was a dog.
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Me: I think I love you. Him: Ma’am, please just sign for your pizza.
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I'm going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
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At least 20% of parenting is just peeling stickers off of things.
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These Underwear Styles Work Way Better Now That You’re a Mom ow.ly/zd7T30bTUg8 via @momdotme
Isla's kindergarten teacher just sent these to me. I miss those days so much. Amazing how quickly time goes by.... fb.me/6FPYz69zS
Parents: if you think you’re “one and done,” you might want to read this first. ow.ly/GSir30bSAU4 via @momdotme #onlychildsyndrome
"I just drove 45 mph on the highway like some kind of goddamn stuntman." ~ Atlanta drivers after reopening the 85 bridge
Friend: I like your lip gloss. Me: Thanks, it’s bacon grease.
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If cussing in front of my kids makes me a bad parent, then shit.
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Have you tried opening a GoFundMe account?
Kids With Depressed Moms Need This Kind of Dad To Be OK ow.ly/9But30bNAGk via @momdotme
 
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