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SASSYPIEHOLE

Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
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How did Beyonce having twins not fix things
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A Slinky but it's just me, drunk, going down the stairs.
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A guy with two teeth just told me my sweater was on inside out
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There's more Canadians on Twitter than there are Canadians.
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I made a grown man cry today in court. But yet I can't get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
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I'm just a seductive smile away from slapping someone.
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When it comes to family, I choose my dog and I don't even have a dog.
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an ugg just saw it's shadow. six more weeks until pumpkin lattes.
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Put lavender essential oils in your cleaning products to help calm your nerves while you're rage cleaning.
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MOM: Eat your peas. ALSO MOM: Dodges peas. The Real Reason Behind Food Fights with Your Toddler ow.ly/dgGn30ehKUZ via @momdotme
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
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I'd love to hear more about your DM room drama but I'm too busy being 57.
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"Dad can I sit on your shoulders to watch the parade?" Dad: Dammit Zack, you're 32 and you're taller than me Me: But I'm tired of standing
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Netflix and chil...dren. Because letting them watch TV in the morning is the only way I can get a little extra sleep.
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Life is too short to worry about whether or not your tweets suck.
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How Much Would You Pay to Guarantee a Healthy Baby? ow.ly/2aRN30e9qoF via @momdotme
The Eye-Opening Test That Could Help Diagnose Autism Disorders ow.ly/Daaa30e7EVH via @momdotme
Some angry lady started yelling at me to hold the elevator door open for her but I was too busy pushing the close door button.
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Your Toddler Already Knows More About Writing Than You Think ow.ly/acey30e06IP via @momdotme
Ha! So true tho. 😉🙌
Why Didn’t We Think of This Genius Use For Condoms? ow.ly/1yO930dW8Xn via @momdotme
Restaurant Limits Moms and Dads to Just One Drinky-Drink ow.ly/Badl30dUBIc via @momdotme
You know you're getting old when your kid offers to "throw in a few bucks" at the supermarket.
"We've barely even argued today." ~ Isla Stella, Age 9
Why Parents Should Put Up With Their Kids’ Bad Behavior ow.ly/vhiH30dLHmp via @momdotme
It's like parenting, only instead of arguing about everything under the sun, you get to walk them silently...on a leash.
The Mid-Pregnancy Habit You Should Probably Try to Kick ow.ly/naph30dEa4G via @momdotme
"You know what's sad? I was about to tap the paper and talk into it." ~ My kid, age 9
Electroshock study makes surprising find: Punishment Doesn't Work, So You Might As Well Stop! ow.ly/knc330dxZO5 via @momdotme
Is it too early to start celebrating?
Doctors Warn Against This Sparkly Trend ow.ly/cFHc30dsogg #glitterbomb via @momdotme
I'm bored. How much longer? ~ mom at the pool
The Breastfeeding Health Risk No One Talks About ow.ly/ZV9D30dpKuz via @momdotme
Would You Leave Your Kindergartener Home Alone? I have mixed feelings on this. ow.ly/9EEb30dnJlX via @momdotme
What We Now Know About Kids Who Were Born Very Premature ow.ly/LyHi30cYecH. Via @momdotme
Why encourage potty breaks when your kid can just shit in the pool?
I don't always scream bloody murder, but when I do it's over a rubber band bracelet that was lost in the pool. ~ Kids
What We Now Know About Kids Who Were Born Very Premature ow.ly/hFaF30cQrlq via @momdotme
The Sad and Unlikely Source of Most Mom-Shaming ow.ly/tJxr30cMQuf via @momdotme
A Really Sad Reason We Need to Get Kids’ Eating on Lockdown ow.ly/ui5V30cEU5f via @momdotme
I act pretty tough for a guy who just ironed a pair of corduroys.
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Over 7 billion people on earth and I only like about 10 of them.
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"I'm sorry, but..." - people who are definitely not sorry
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Boy, I sound like a real asshole when my kids impersonate me.
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They say you don't know love until you become a parent, and that's because you finally understand how much you love sleep. Or sitting down.
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Fetuses Love Faces, Even When They’re Still in the Womb ow.ly/nvfr30cBl6O via @momdotme
 
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