I wish my appetite could burn calories.
Who tryna roll to little cesar's???
You're pretty much an adult as soon as you start remembering to clear your browser history
Steven Tyler is just a 'World's Best Grandma' sweatshirt away from being that chain-smoking woman playing slots beside you at the casino.
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I'd like to see the wine list?
Does making each other miserable count as a holiday tradition?
You can't card me and call me ma'am.
Taco trucks would be cooler if they drove around the neighborhood like ice cream trucks and also sold booze.
I'd rather my nudes leak than a picture of the face I make when I'm trimming my nose hair
I wish I loved anything as much as my kid loves making me have to repeat myself
My wife is having sex with a Rolex salesman while I sit on the end of the bed...because I just wanna watch.
Mine too. I love that guy! twitter.com/roastmedaily/s…
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: The laundry?
Me: Mmmmmm...and make sure my yoga pants are in there.
"Quinoa" sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Autocorrect changed 'Mmmmmm' to 'Mmm', as if that bitch knows my degree of delight.
I've literally never told someone you said hi
To reward his good behavior, I offered to get my 6yo @McDonalds
. He said "No, fast food makes me not feel good."
He should be parenting me.
There's nothing quite like opening the styrofoam lid to smell the overwhelming regret of Panda Express.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We're all friends here.
The cool thing about vacuuming is that the sound drowns out your scream-sobbing.
This wine tastes like everyone can make their own dinner.
My son just asked what The Breakfast Club was and I told him it was "an old movie" and then I cried for six hours
All I’m saying is it’s a fine line between badass and dumbass.
My favourite social activity is sitting alone with my phone.
When the Target cashier asked if I had any exciting weekend plans, I gestured, Vanna-like, at the conveyor belt, and began softly crying.
I'm white but not "all my kids names start with the same letter" white.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don't have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can't be sure.
I would do anything for love, but I won't unplug my phone to let you charge your phone until mine is fully charged. No, I won't do that.
Oh god plz fuck off with your "skinny" Thanksgiving recipes, I came to win.
I'm like that bottle of vodka you keep drinking even though you know you've had enough
What I lack in personality, I don't make up for in any other way
87% of being an adult is muttering "this is bullshit" under your breath.
Nothing says motherhood like sneezing after childbirth.
For every man that grunts while lifting weights in public, another woman dies a virgin.
It's only sarcasm if you can hear me.
I dont work out, but sometimes I'll let people go through my phone for 30 secs to get my heart rate up.
6: What's it like to be a grown up?
Me: You know how you hate getting new socks for Christmas?
Me: That's literally all I want.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can't unfollow.
My 5 yo started a sentence with, "After you die and I get married" so no, I don't think Disney has influenced her reality too much.
I'm not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Knowledge is power,
Unless you give it to stupid people. Then it just becomes an argument on the internet.
My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet
Ugh, get me out of here.
-me, stuck in the house
Ugh, get me out of here.
-me, stuck in public
Does this seasonal depression make my ass look big?
The best thing about insomnia is the extra meal you get each day...
I prefer my Thanksgiving yams with brown sugar and marshmallows. And without yams.
The worst part about being humble is that you can't brag about it.