Thank God birds don't pee
What You Can’t See In These Photos Is The Best Thing About Them ow.ly/m2RU30aAExh
What if God IS a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I'll never hear the end of it.
Don't think of it as a cubicle. Think of it as a starter coffin.
A wicked witch is just a fairy godmother who's had enough of your shit.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I've been "getting ready to vacuum" for the past two weeks.
Sorry I got all, "Black olives matter," during your how-to demonstration on White Pizza.
I may look calm, but in my head I have killed you at least 5 times.
*Emergency* Interstate 85 in Atlanta GA has just collapsed due to fire under bridge. All lanes blocked. Avoid the area.
is on fire y'all. What is happening in our fine ass city?! ❤
Babes (Literally) In Pumps. Can We Just Not? ow.ly/d7Be30anYjW
via @momdotme #peeweepumps #stopitworld
How These 5 Moms Feel In Bikinis For the First Time After Baby via @momdotme ow.ly/mGxi30alJ9W #mombod
I wish it were as easy getting kids to brush their teeth as it is to offend people on Facebook.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn't her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you're 35
In high school I was in a band called "Ska Mitzvah" and played alto sax, so no, I don't know how to open your fucking beer with a lighter.
Grab a tissue: Abused Toddler, Naked in the Snow, Rescued By Amazing Little Dog ow.ly/vJKp30acmZ3
Be yourself, but as far away from me as possible.
Me: I hate one-uppers.
One-upper: Not as much as I do.
Donated all my fucks to science.
Establish dominance in the car by turning up the music whenever someone talks.
Can't. Busy not wanting to do that
Rules For How Many Times You Can Wear a Bra Without Washing It via @momdotme ow.ly/kDtl30aam7x
At this point, I should just claim Amazon Prime as a dependent.
It's about time a woman in power started hitting below the belt: Lawmaker Proposes Outlawing Masturbation ow.ly/DX5M309Zcst @momdotme
Bitches aren’t the ONLY ones who get shit done: The Great Way Dads Are Getting Help With Parenting ow.ly/uBjK309WGKB
It would be weird if my kid actually did what I asked. #momproblems #mindblown
Way to go, @anistonsux
! Sister Slams Brother's Deadbeat Dad in Epic Princess Cake Battle ow.ly/GKuW309UzCS
Speaks Publicly For The First Time In 9 Years (and no one cares) ow.ly/sbe3309NAbq
via @momdotme #STFU
So You're Not Losing Your Mind When You Mix Up the Kids' Names #thankyouscience ow.ly/Mzi2309Luji
If you've never taken your kids to Target for dinner so you didn't have to cook, are you even a parent?
I'm saving all my good jokes for International Men's Day.
Today is International Women's Day and I'm over here like, "Pick up your fucking socks!"
Pregnant Woman’s Giraffe Video Is All Of Us at 9 Months Pregnant ow.ly/V01Z309GQG8
via @momdotme #AprilTheGiraffe
Photographer Gets The Best Pictures of Surprise Car Birth ow.ly/Mxs0309zuEt
If you’re a SAHM in need of $$, these are the companies that WANT you to stay home with your kids! ow.ly/cXV0309uO7P
Me: I'm so nervous.
Group: It's OK. You're safe here.
M: My name is Jackie and I'm an alcoholic.
G: This is Weight Watchers
Parenting is 98% wishing kids were quieter and 2% imagining every worst-case scenario when they actually are quiet.
Calm the fuck down, people who hip check you for a number at the deli counter.
There's plenty of shitty potato salad for everyone.
I'm not inappropriate......you're boring. I win.
Your way sounds super safe and rational. Let's do it my way.
Don't stop looking until you find someone who treats you as well as my kids treat me when they're trying to earn back their screen time.
I just got hit in the ear with a high velocity tennis ball if you were wondering what motherhood felt like.
Mom Warns That Cluster Feeding Led to Her Newborn’s Death ow.ly/oEDN309skqv
I'll use Barbie's leg to stir my drink.
I wonder if I can tell your age by counting the rings around your neck in your selfie.
How can I feel this empty inside while wearing a super plus tampon?
Me: My throat hurts.
WebMD: Try shutting the fuck up.