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SASSYPIEHOLE

We're Finally Getting Baby Boxes In the US, But There's a Catch ow.ly/amGx308NZg0 via @momdotme #babybox #maternity #BabyBoxUniversity
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
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i got 99 problems and being upside down ain't one ok wait i got 66 problems
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
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ok just hear me out…bananas, but when you peel them, instead of a banana, it's cookie dough
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Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google She marrying a doctor in June Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price Mom:- Me:THAT'S LIKE 50% OFF
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Embrace her crazy and she'll love you forever or until she kills you, whichever comes first
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Killing 'em softly is easy when you use a pillow
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If marijuana can damage your short-term memory, just think what marijuana can do.
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Shut up and send her the heart eyes emoji like a God damn man.
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"Will there be food?" - How I decide if I'll do anything
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I'd like to build a wall around my refrigerator to keep out my fat ass.
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It's harder for me and my wife to choose a movie to watch than it was for me to choose a woman to marry.
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Girl Scout Breaks Sales Goal With Blatantly Honest Reviews ow.ly/8kA1308ArdT via @momdotme #girlscoutcookies #truthinadvertising
Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face they are pushed down the stairs
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If coffee was an ocean, I'd be a fucking mermaid.
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Men were put on this planet to make women feel better about being crazy.
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If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
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New Barbie Shows Girls They Can Do Anything, Especially Laundry via @momdotme ow.ly/DCSM308ye4V #STEMBarbie
Are they still bad habits if I like them?
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I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
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Someone popped their stress ball in class today and I have never in my life witnessed something so relatable
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Friend: "sorry, you're feeling tired, are you drinking enough fluids?" Me: "does tea count?" Friend: "yes" Me *sips wine*: "then no.."
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My attention span is shorter than this tweet.
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Oh great, now sexism is lurking in breastmilk. What next? ow.ly/Is8U308oBea via @momdotme
My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month.
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I walked through my living room and my weight reverberated the floor so hard it woke up my laptop, in case you wonder how my diet's going.
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Sometimes I pour wine into a pot and sit it on the stove for a few minutes so people think I cook
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What do you guys think, should we be worried? #FreeMelania is a thing and people are talking. ow.ly/nzdN308nVBH via @momdotme
I hate who I become when my phone rings.
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You know when you get something in your eye and it's awful but you can't find it or get it out? That's what adulthood feels like.
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If I'm honest, I'd touch a whole lot of stuff with a ten foot pole.
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Whenever I'm pissed at my wife, I go to the thrift shop and replace her favorite jeans with an identical pair two sizes smaller.
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"I'm hungry. Except for anything you made. There's no way I'm eating that." - Kids
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[talking about school] 7: and then he called the teacher a bad word Me: oh yea? 7: yea Me: well what letter did it start with? 7: bitch
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"Look, mommy, look!" - my kids, all day, every day
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My main activity on Facebook is now ignoring live videos.
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I have absolutely nothing in common with people
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Mommy brain moments (because you know you've been there): bit.ly/2k3cwgN (via @mylifesuckers )
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I love a company that tells you to "go fuck yourself" when ordering online. Well played, @emojibator ow.ly/lsOL308aL9M via @momdotme
MY brelfie art would be m̶o̶u̶n̶t̶a̶i̶n̶o̶u̶s̶ mountainless. Via @momdotme 😳#TreeofLifeeow.ly/2AtJ3084NYxg
I didn't say I hate your eyebrows. I simply said they shouldn't enter a room before you do.
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I'm not handsome, but there's a real possibility that I'm the okayest looking guy in this Arby's right now.
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The good thing about going to the gym in Midtown is that no boys even look in my direction. That is also the bad thing.
🎶 Easy like Sunday morrrrning 🎶 Sunday morning: "Fuck you."
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Parents: "If only there were a manual for this." Also parents: "How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit."
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Weekends have me torn between wanting to spend time together as a family and wanting to cut the next person who breathes near me.
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I rather have my sex tape leak than a video of me eating spaghetti.
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my 10yr old is doing laundry & I'm truly proud of her but also on the verge of a panic attack because she's folding my shirts the wrong way
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