We're Finally Getting Baby Boxes In the US, But There's a Catch ow.ly/amGx308NZg0
via @momdotme #babybox #maternity #BabyBoxUniversity
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain't one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
ok just hear me out…bananas, but when you peel them, instead of a banana, it's cookie dough
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June
Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Me:THAT'S LIKE 50% OFF
Embrace her crazy and she'll love you forever or until she kills you, whichever comes first
Killing 'em softly is easy when you use a pillow
If marijuana can damage your short-term memory, just think what marijuana can do.
Shut up and send her the heart eyes emoji like a God damn man.
"Will there be food?"
- How I decide if I'll do anything
I'd like to build a wall around my refrigerator to keep out my fat ass.
It's harder for me and my wife to choose a movie to watch than it was for me to choose a woman to marry.
Girl Scout Breaks Sales Goal With Blatantly Honest Reviews ow.ly/8kA1308ArdT
via @momdotme #girlscoutcookies #truthinadvertising
Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face they are pushed down the stairs
If coffee was an ocean, I'd be a fucking mermaid.
Men were put on this planet to make women feel better about being crazy.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
New Barbie Shows Girls They Can Do Anything, Especially Laundry via @momdotme ow.ly/DCSM308ye4V #STEMBarbie
Are they still bad habits if I like them?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Someone popped their stress ball in class today and I have never in my life witnessed something so relatable
Friend: "sorry, you're feeling tired, are you drinking enough fluids?"
Me: "does tea count?"
Me *sips wine*: "then no.."
My attention span is shorter than this tweet.
Oh great, now sexism is lurking in breastmilk. What next? ow.ly/Is8U308oBea
My bank statement is just a record of everything I've eaten for the last month.
I walked through my living room and my weight reverberated the floor so hard it woke up my laptop, in case you wonder how my diet's going.
Sometimes I pour wine into a pot and sit it on the stove for a few minutes so people think I cook
What do you guys think, should we be worried? #FreeMelania
is a thing and people are talking. ow.ly/nzdN308nVBH
I hate who I become when my phone rings.
You know when you get something in your eye and it's awful but you can't find it or get it out? That's what adulthood feels like.
If I'm honest, I'd touch a whole lot of stuff with a ten foot pole.
Whenever I'm pissed at my wife, I go to the thrift shop and replace her favorite jeans with an identical pair two sizes smaller.
"I'm hungry. Except for anything you made. There's no way I'm eating that."
[talking about school]
7: and then he called the teacher a bad word
Me: oh yea?
Me: well what letter did it start with?
"Look, mommy, look!"
- my kids, all day, every day
My main activity on Facebook is now ignoring live videos.
I have absolutely nothing in common with people
Mommy brain moments (because you know you've been there): bit.ly/2k3cwgN
I love a company that tells you to "go fuck yourself" when ordering online. Well played, @emojibator ow.ly/lsOL308aL9M
MY brelfie art would be m̶o̶u̶n̶t̶a̶i̶n̶o̶u̶s̶ mountainless. Via @momdotme
I didn't say I hate your eyebrows.
I simply said they shouldn't enter a room before you do.
I'm not handsome, but there's a real possibility that I'm the okayest looking guy in this Arby's right now.
The good thing about going to the gym in Midtown is that no boys even look in my direction. That is also the bad thing.
🎶 Easy like Sunday morrrrning 🎶
Sunday morning: "Fuck you."
Parents: "If only there were a manual for this."
Also parents: "How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit."
Weekends have me torn between wanting to spend time together as a family and wanting to cut the next person who breathes near me.
I rather have my sex tape leak than a video of me eating spaghetti.
my 10yr old is doing laundry & I'm truly proud of her but also on the verge of a panic attack because she's folding my shirts the wrong way