Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
One day, Donald Trump is going to look a reporter straight in the eyes on national TV and say "I never ran for President."
One time I saw a video of a guy holding up a sign that said "I love you Stevie" at a Stevie Wonder concert. I think about this a lot.
Got a free pass on Sunday and caught @drivinncryin
- the only thing missing was @rblazak
And this is what we call "subliminal promotions." We ❤️ you, @SciofParenthood #IJWTBP
Things were getting all hot and heavy until I realized it was just sand in my pants.
NAILED IT. (via @sassypiehole
If it looks like water and smells like water it's probably vodka.
Sorry I smacked the kazoo out of your attention whore child's mouth.
Turns out I’m not an afternoon person, either.
I could eat nothing for a month and still feel like a walrus in a pair of SPANX.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Protip: Never apply Chapstick in the men's restroom.
Not sure if I should read the news or chew on broken glass.
Maybe the guy drinking vodka behind that dumpster isn't homeless. Maybe he's married.
Me: [in bathroom]
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT'S ME
Me: I know
7: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too
Attention people wearing flip-flops:
The only place a parent can draw the line is at the beach. And THAT'S just so they can kick sand in your face.
Me: When I was a kid, everyone had to share one TV.
6-year-old: I don't believe you.
Me: That we shared?
6: That you had TV back then.
20 Reasons To Celebrate Back To School sassypiehole.com/2016/07/20/bac…
I just rolled my eyes so hard that I parted my hair on the opposite side.
In Hell, you're always stuck in that annoying 14 seconds between Netflix episodes.
My dog acts pretty tough for someone who's afraid of cotton balls
I can't even remember what I looked like before filters.
Ask me how I REALLY feel. #iPhone7
Any room is a panic room if enough of your exes are in it...
My 3 biggest fears:
1) Death by clowns
I once opened a fortune cookie and the paper was totally blank, it really couldn't have been more right.
It’s just like riding a bicycle, except with no handlebars, in the dark, and drunk.
Listening to my father trying to explain a math problem to his granddaughter is like drinking whiskey out of a Sippy cup.
FB Live? The whole point of FB was that we wouldn't have to see anyone live.
Some moron just waved hello to my dog like she had hands and now I'm wondering who the animal is.
Why I have no friends:
Me: "Shut the fuck up."
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Autocorrect just changed "not" into "nachos," and I whispered, 'you complete me.'
Lisa René LeClair reading "Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow" youtu.be/seYnoaPf-yU?li…
via @YouTube #ScaredStraight #ButILived
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa's "push it" and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
My patience has stretch marks.
Confidence will get you places, but arrogance will make sure you are not there long.
I used to care about what other people thought of me and now I shout things like, "You can do it!" in public bathrooms.
Having a body that won't quit sounds exhausting.
Problem solved. Sort of.
Finally got my medical marijuana card today. Now all they need to do is legalize prostitution and I'll be fully healed.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Unless this movie takes a dramatic turn, it seems the theme of Little Mermaid is "be pretty, be quiet, and all your dreams will come true".