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#HowToKeepYourGirlHappy: Swear your loyalty to the #DenverBroncos & keep her beers koozied and her kooziez beer'd-up at all times!
#HowToKeepYourGirlHappy respect and communication. Never make her feel like she's fighting to keep you around. Love is easy when it's real!
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2 quick questions for @casayabee: Are we still on for #MagicMikeXXL tomorrow and whose purse are we smuggling the booze in? #UrgentMatters
Hey @Ronizzy, are you up to a #TwitterChallenge? 😎
Haha you guys are the best πŸ•πŸ•οΏ½…7CMk
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Lily from #ATT wanted to be with @TerryHarrymanJr, but Flo killed her in a crime of passion and stashed the body under her wig. #TrueStory
@saltyshelley I told you not her... I hate you for this.
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Every time I see a #ProgressiveAuto commercial on TV I think of @TerryHarrymanJr because he is in a crazy love affair with Flo. #TrueStory
Yo @saltyshelley if Margaritas don't work let's go get Bahama Mamas
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When posed with the question "Who is Peewee Herman?" Google does us no help.
Me and @casayabee are up frantically Googling the real identity of Peewee Herman
Watching @midnight! Got a big crush on Chris Hardwick πŸ’‹
I wish you knew how little your actions reflected your words.
When your ex texts you "I wish you knew how little fun I'm having." ... Bitch, I wish you knew how little I care anymore.
Hey @jenetalia, you should come see #MagicMikeXXL with me and @casayabee on Wednesday!! :) πŸ’„ 🍸#GirlsNightght?
It's the #perfecttemperature outside right now 🌻
@saltyshelley @casayabee sounds awesome there's nothing like some violence and partying with your friends. LOL
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Friday nights @ the neighborhood bar with my sister @casayabee! #GoinDownForReal
@saltyshelley the demise of the raiders all started with some dork named Tom Brady
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@saltyshelley I don't regret things too much but right now I have some regret shaving my leg... I thought it would be funny
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@saltyshelley I thought that back in 07 when we drafted JaMarcus Russell
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Hey @saltyshelley I may have gotten bored and shaved one of my legs... Do I have to shave the other one now or wear pants til it evens out
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@saltyshelley Aww it looks like @carltori blocked me dude... It was a good almost full morning knowing her existence in Twitter.
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@saltyshelley one day my Oakland Raiders will be a good team again
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My closest friends are the ones who cheer me up with compliments when I'm down; my BEST friends are the ones who bring up football... 🏈
C'mon now, the night is still young! (in #California anywho).. So who is up, - or down - to talk #football 🏈 ???#AREYOUREADYFORSOMEFOOBALLL
@saltyshelley Ah yes #DeflateGate. I think it's overblown. Apparently all QBs have preferences regarding the conditioning of the balls.
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Anywaysss, how about them #Broncos?
@saltyshelley you could also make jokes about her following Fox News but that's just low hanging fruit
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@saltyshelley don't forget to throw out that @carltori isn't following the real @TheEllenShow hahaha
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I make more Freudian slips before 9am than most people do all gay.
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@saltyshelley and that's why your my friend 😜
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The awards for top 3 #FoolsOfTheYear go to: 3rd place: Seth MacFarlane; Runner-up: @carltori; & Your triumphant winner... Donald Trump! ✌
@saltyshelley haha I got you Shell I'll keep up... I had a red bull total zero a couple hours ago so I'm up haha
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