I cannot support the “Hunt the Homeless for Sport” bill in its current form. It’s practically useless without the crucial harpoon clause
In the past 30 days we've lost two of our best employees because they didn't win the H1B lottery.
Keeping people in > getting people out
Gmail nails it again
JUST OVER HERE ANSWERING WORK EMAILS WITH NON-ENTHUSIASTIC PUNCTUATION AS A POWER MOVE
*whispering* they cannot arrest a father and son for the same crime
I LOVE TO HIKE
JUST GET OUT INTO NATURE AND RELAX AS COUNTLESS BEINGS AROUND ME FIGHT TO CLAIM THEIR PLACE IN A CRUCIBLE OF LIFE AND DEATH
As a child I felt out of touch with childhood
When I grew up I realized children's authors are out of touch with childhood
[shoving Millennials into the Centipede Pits] Millennials want weapons and ladders instead of a warrior's death in the Centipede Pits
how many times could you lose your mind
fuck being sad its 2017 we positive as hell from now on. call up your boy and tucc him into bed. kiss a bird. ride a horse bitch. we happy.
This means that Spider-Man is also a furry
DJ Being Alone With My Thoughts For Even A Moment twitter.com/thatericalper/…
Things Kendrick and Trump have in common:
1. They both need loyalty
You've hit your peak -- and now an algorithm wants your job.
I Did Not Like It One Bit When The President Stabbed That Little Girl In The Leg, commented one senator on his way to vote against trees
I've rewritten We Didn't Start the Fire to reflect the current political climate:
Johnald Nonald Bonald Bump
I HAVE A LOT OF WORKPLACE NICKNAMES
LAST PERSON TO SEE GARY FROM ACCOUNTING
ONGOING PERSON OF INTEREST
Can we gamify the concept of empathy? Probably not. We can't even find all 160 racism crystals, let alone destroy them.
IF THE MOON IS NOT THE SOURCE OF MY STRENGTH WHY DOES YELLING AT IT MAKE ME FEEL SO POWERFUL
OH YAY SUMMER SOLSTICE
FIRST DAY OF TANK TOP SEASON
ICE CREAM IS BACK
AND NOW A BRIEF BLOOD SACRIFICE FOR OUR ONLY TRUE GOD
Wow, looks like Travis Kalanick has big plans for the future:
WOW I JUST GOT A MEMO FROM CORPORATE AND IT LOOKS LIKE GARY NEEDS TO GO TO A BIG MEETING IN THE WOODS AFTER DARK OH WAY TO GO GARY HUGE NEWS
Before and After logging in
Whenever I see someone say "don't @ me" all I can think is "please @ me I'm so lonely"
Yes, it was zardulu. It's always zardulu.
FATHER - provides food and shelter
DAD - plays catch with you
GARY YOUR STEPDAD - eats all of the Froot Loops and runs over your dog
Millenials finally getting serious about buying houses twitter.com/TIME/status/87…
"I'm trying to prove something to the devil"
bdsm stands for
Much for the environment
Media: Why are young people voting for socialist grandpas all of a sudden
Young People: It’s their policies
Media: Is it their sex appeal
twitter users: let us edit tweets
twitter: the stars are now hearts
twitter users: an edit button please
twitter: we made everything round
"I'm thinking Comic Sans, but a whole interface"
Now, imagine you're a kid. And it was a school. twitter.com/sppeoples/stat…
When ur most recent update is going over well
Blockchain currency for fastpass highway lanes mined by not driving like an asshole
WEIRD THAT WE ALL CARRY A SUPER GREASY PIECE OF GLASS EVERYWHERE WE GO
I drive an Oldsmobile Jumanji
I'm only into classic cars, which is why I refurbished a 63' Chevy Bugliosi
Everyone turns out to be painfully human
HOLY FUCK CALL THE BOYS
friend: what do u think about this place?
me (yelling over the music): I’M VERY UNEASY BUT TRYING TO FORCE MYSELF TO LIKE IT
store: buy the organic. it’s twice as much
me: how is it different
store: it’s got bugs on it. eat them. eat the bugs
JK Rowling: *eating a diamond* my golly gosh, these Poors really are annoying aren't they? Anyways Harry Potter's owl was bisexual