Don't sleep with someone if they have more problems than you do.
Humans and dogs are the only species known to seek visual cues from another individual's eyes - Dogs only do this with humans.
Roses are red, that much is true, but violets are purple, alright? Not blue.
Our fingers get wrinkly in water because wrinkled fingers would give us stronger grip on slippery objects underwater.
Drunk words are sober thoughts.
My girl friend isn't allowed to speak to other boys on the phone. If he call 911 and a man answers he better hang up & try again
I ask google all the questions i'm too embarrassed to ask actual people
Me: I'm over her.
"DoucheBags” is actually the name of company that produces ski bags and their tag line is "Even douchebags need a hug.
reasons to be a mermaid:
Dr. Dre didn't know Eminem was white until they met.
Whales die if their echo system fails.
"You took my daughters virginity!" "I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again."
*gives people advice when i cant even handle my own problems*
Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
meowing at cats until they meow back..
If you're mine, you're only mine. I don't like sharing.
IF U WANT TO TALK TO ME JUST DO IT BECAUSE IM PROBABLY NOT GOING TO START A CONVERSATION BECAUSE I CONSTANTLY WORRY THAT IM ANNOYING YOU
Celebrity Worship Syndrome is an obsessive-addictive disorder where a person becomes overly interested with a celebrity's personal life.
when something funny happens i can guarantee you im that one friend who keeps laughing even though everyone else stopped 10 minutes ago
Guys do not fight other guys over women. Most of the the time the guy is fighting to protect his pride. That's all.
Rats and horses can't vomit
Can a teacher...give a homeless student homework?
What happens if two mind readers read each others' minds?
Of married couples, 70% of men and 60% of women have cheated on their spouse
Being nice to the people you don't like isn't called 2 faced, it's called growing up.
Wouldn't it be nice if your iPod could detect your mood and make a playlist for it?
My voice sounds great when I'm singing with my earphones on, Then I take them off and I realize I sound like a dying walrus.
A study suggests alcoholic students perform better in exams if they stay drunk while taking the test.
OK, I'm getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9...
what if u woke up with amnesia & all you could remember was your twitter password and u had to discover who u were based off your tweets
Eminem is among the Top 20 greatest Donkey Kong players in the world.
To know that we know what we know and that we don't know what we don't know, that's true knowledge.
I was the kid that would restart the video game whenever I knew I was going to lose.
When I was kid, I used to think my heart was shaped like this♥♥
how the fuck do you play this game
When I was a kid "im gonna tell your mom" was the scariest sentence ever.
I hate when i’m trying to blow out birthday candles and little kids try to do it with me
excuse u it’s not ur birthday so back the fuck up
Some days i just feel like
• turning off my phone
• packing up my shit
• leaving without saying a word
• & going ghost for a few weeks
me: *does one sit up*
me: *checks for abs*
Don't call my phone with bullshit🔫
Don't text my phone with bullshit🔫
Don't come at me with bullshit.🔫
Don't tweet at me with bullshit.🔫
what i if told you
you the read first line wrong
same with the second
Love is not about sex, going on fancy dates, or showing off. It’s about being with a person who makes you happy in a way nobody else can.
Popular person: *Sneeze*
Class: God bless you, Jesus Lord let God protect you from that horrible sneeze! Amen!
everyone: are u okay
everyone: u look tired
everyone: are u mad at me
everyone: what happened to u
everyone: are u sick
me: IT'S MY FACE
Hugging or holding hands with someone special can instantly reduce stress.
Gay marriage is legal in 6 states. Having sex with a horse is legal in 23! Good going America.
I just really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really don't care.
I hate it when people don't hate people I hate.
The brand named ADIDAS stands for "All Day I Dream About Sports".