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Rob DeSantis
Hey, #Philly $10 #BYOB comedy show Friday & Saturday night. It's above an ice cream shop hence this flyer. #retweet
I have an app on my phone called "ISIS Wallet." I better keep it the fuck away from my "Christian Mingle" app.
Is it legal to have a pet fox? Because I'm thinking about getting 17.… via @YahooScreen
Been eating healthy and haven't had any alcohol this week. Been feelin pretty good. Like "make eye contact with another human being" good.
If I was a late 80's rapper with smart lyrics, I'd say my lyrics were "mentally ill." Then I'd fail and sell drugs.
I snapped at a sweet old lady who works in my office. The time where I SHOULD have felt bad has come and gone. Whelp...guess I'm a sociopath
I'm not medical professional but I'm fairly sure the amount of caffeine I've ingested today should have popped my heart like a balloon.
Please not YouPorn Please not YouPorn... @CNN "1.2 billion passwords stolen - Russian criminals amass trove of stolen credentials"
My fav part in the new Ninja Turtles rap song meant for kids is when the guy talks about fucking my girl then letting his friends fuck her.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I'm going to mentally write a joke on the walk over to @HeliumComedy then try it on stage. That's worked 0 times but I figure I'm due.
We are taking a group picture at work, and much like picture day when I was in elementary school, I've managed to spill food on my shirt.
The way this shirt hugs my man tits makes me look chubby.
I just entered the "date the girl who plays Lily in the AT&T commercials contest." Wait...that's not a real thing? ...Why not?
I can usually gauge how tired I am at work based on how badly I fuck up my own name while leaving someone a voice mail.
How much blood in your urine is an emergency? I'm asking for the guy next to me at the urinal. Never mind he just punched me and walked out.
My office building put a lock on our floor's bathroom so dirty people from other floors can stop trashing it. Turns out I'm pro segregation.
Holy Shit a power nap was inadvertently a full nights worth of sleep. Well...this is going to be a weird Saturday night...
Overheard a plumber say "turlet". Top that, Saturday.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I'm not losing weight as much as I'm losing at losing weight.
Watch out, my career is unstoppable.
Few things make me feel as sick as hearing someone say "My work family..."
Coworker: "It's got ground turkey in it" Me: "I bet sky turkey tastes better." Coworker: "I'm never coming to one of your shows."
All I'm saying is if you bring race or sex into an argument having nothing to do with either, you're probably wrong. Thats my #mansplanation
For the record if I was debating and started every statement with "as a white male..." I'd be a dick, and you'd be correct to call me so.
Why do women I debate constantly try and frustrate me into using the word "cunt" so they can call me sexist and not actually debate on topic
My boss just left carrying two purses. My honest first thought was "I wonder if she is wearing 2 different shoes..." I'm sort of an idiot.
Recently had an ex say "sorry I ruined your life." Ironically her taking credit for things I did is half the reason we broke up.
Coworker: "What are you getting for lunch?" Me: "Sodium" #ChineseBuffet
People who drink 2-4 cups of coffee a day are 50% less likely to commit suicide, so my heart jump out of my chest every morning is medicinal
Anyone want to get together tonight and draw chalk outlines of each other and put up crime scene tape on a school playground? No?
I have a bigger issue with the ignorant responses to @RichardDawkins rape tweets than his actual tweets. Stop being professionally outraged.
Debating if I should have my 7th caffeinated beverage of the day. Someone remind me not to stay up till 2am tonight Youtubing shark attacks.
I didn't realize how many experts of foreign policy I'm friends with on Facebook, wasting their time online & not going directly to the U.N.
Dirty Prancing: Nobody Puts Benji in a Corner. @midnight #DogMovies
Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ringworm @midnight #DogMovies
Gigli...It sounds like a dogs name... @midnight #DogMovies
The Curious Case of Benji's Son Bone Fun. @midnight #DogMovies #ThatWasAStretch