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Rob DeSantis
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If there is an upside to these killings by police, it's that it's given @FoxNews something to talk about now besides The War on Christmas.
Philadelphia has many smart, good, interesting people. It also has at least one of every variety of piece of shit person that exists.
Hey does anyone know in which states murder is legal?
Does anyone know where the off switch is on your internal monologue? I've only been able to temporarily sort-circuit it with alcohol.
I feel like people misunderstand why I constantly put myself down all the time. It's because I hate myself. That clears things up right?
Ahhh, it's one of those "just figured out my fly has been down for the last hour" kind of days.
"Alright, Mr. Funny Man, reinforce my beliefs."
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An open mic is a comedy show like a patch of black ice is a dance recital.
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Takes commitment to protest in this weather, though I don't know what's wrong with the sidewalk... vine.co/v/OrPhgW3BFw1
Just got caught in a nose pick. Good to see I'm making the same social mistakes in my 30's I was when I was 7.
There is a time and a place for everything. I've found for scotch it's "any" to both.
"Hulk Splash!!!" ~ The Avengers day off at the beach.
To me, "Murder Suicide" just sounds like a really lazy name for a heavy metal band.
Well this made my day: a bunch of .gifs of unnecessary explosions on The Simpsons. imgur.com/a/HG5df
I think I sprained my wrist playing video games this weekend. Someone send a high school jock over to my apt to beat the shit out of me pls.
I'm just going to come out and say this...Almost Famous is one of the best movies ever made.
Happy new @billburr special on @netflix day everybody!
I like how people are upset the #Exodus movie is whitewashed (all white actors), considering Christianity whitewashed Jesus Christ.
No "White Precious?" Really? @TheAVClub The best comedy albums and specials of 2014 avc.lu/1FQ2J18
No one gives a fuck what you think No one gives a fuck what you think No one gives a fuck what you think No one gives a fuck what you think.
Everything I'm involved in is erotica. @ElectricDracula is this erotica?
Miss last night's Bob & Dave with @TheDookness & @MikeBoyerHa ? Check it out here & #retweet it asshole. @Stitcher stitcher.com/s?eid=36259287
Elf on the Shelf. Such garbage. If you want to move something around to get your kids to behave, try waving a gun.
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Oh good, a new thing for Celebrities to make social commentary about. Hey what does Avril Lavigne think about this #EricGarner verdict?
My heart is in a race with my metabolism to see which one will come to a complete stop first. #chinesebuffet
TONIGHT 9pm! Bob and Dave are Terrible People podcast LIVE at laffcast.com with Dave Primiano, @RobDComedy feat @MikeBoyerHa & me!
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"i wrote the book on plagiarism" -- anyone
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Made it to the Green Room with @tomgreenlive @RobDComedy and @lauranichole123 Thanks for Everything. Enjoy your cake. pic.twitter.com/x2kWVdzMFP
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Couple beers with Tom Green tonight
You know who hates Cyber Monday? Cyber Garfield.
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I'm thinking of starting a new band. What do you guys think of the name "The Beatles?" I kind of like it, just popped into my head.
I often confuse "going on a diet" with "eating like a normal human".
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How dare you. @DanScully Spoiler alert: The Walking Dead is terrible.
Few things get me going in the morning like the sweet smell of piss on SEPTA.
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People are angry a storm trooper is black? I don't know if it's the white community or black community but either way fuck off internet.
How did I get a BBQ Sauce stain on one of my pillows? Damn...my weekend must have been awesome.
I bought 3 heavily discounted XboxOne games this morning and same day shipping was only $5.99. So I'll talk to you guys in March.
WHAT??? @Walmart's website isn't displaying the real time "Trampled to Death" counter that I designed for them!
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Ah Thanksgiving, when pretending to shit to get privacy from your cousin's kids is the highlight of the day.
Just got recognized at the store as That Edward Snowden Guy. So don't talk to me because my ego is on overdive. #doesntknowmyrealnamefamous
We Asked 12 Vegetarians To Draw A Picture Of A Turkey And This Is What They Came Up With clickhole.com/r/1488tsd pic.twitter.com/NdbvSD0ssf
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I think Ann Coulter is the only woman that feminist are totally fine with men regularly calling her "cunt."
Who was making the argument racism doesn't exist? Why do you think people laugh at Jeff Dunham's Puppets?
God these #Ferguson protestors are such horrible people. Oh wait this is Penn State when Joe Paterno got fired pic.twitter.com/XV1bNaDb1n
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I just did my dishes and Yoga in the same night. Someone follow me around tomorrow slapping the reward chocolates out of my hands.
Oh they are announcing the #Ferguson verdict today? Great, I'm not talking to any of my professionally angry white friends for a week.