Uhhh so Owens is dead now? twitter.com/WWEUniverse/st…
The frequency in which I trip up steps may be a good argument against evolution.
Watched Creed last night, totally made me want to get in shape. This morning I twisted my ankle doing a 3 inch vertical jump onto a curb
"coexist" and The Punisher logo. "I think it's safe to say this car has had more than one owner." @MaryRadzinski
Hungover 30 something's and sober people over 60 always have the exact same facial expressions.
Is it possible to throw out your back taking a shit? Because if its not I'm very unclear what the last 15 minutes of my life has been about.
Just found $14 in my back pocket at the bar the other night. Don't let anyone tell you being a drunk doesn't have it's up sides.
, This was a great show tonight you guys rocked tonight at @HeliumComedy
I liked a @YouTube
Slut Gaming 1 - Bob DeSantis - G. I. Joe
Yeah mo-fucker. Just did my entire week's errands in one night. Suck it everyone who said I procrastinate and was right up until an hour ago
Usually I handle a breakup with alcohol, this time I bought a bunch of new clothes and a watch. I think my immaturity is maturing.
I think the radio in my office is permanently set to "Scrubs Soundtrack"
I never read Dante's Inferno. What layer of hell do people who use the word "literally" to mean "figuratively" go to?
Insider tip on tonight's Secret Headliner Show tonight @HeliumComedy
: I have no idea who it is and I'm totally going to the show. Don't tell
Looking forward to working with E̶m̶p̶e̶r̶o̶r̶ President Trump building Earth's first D̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ Trump Star!
Your mom has me handcuffed. #CancelPlansIn5Words
2 Drunk 2 call Uber #CancelPlansIn5Words
I have no clean underwear. #CancelPlansIn5Words
Sorry I couldn't make bail. #CancelPlansIn5Words
Just saw the bat signal. #CancelPlansIn5Words
, what is the correct number of Golden Monkeys to have on a work night for 2 people? The voice in my head and I are arguing.
Charles Manson has endorsed Donald Trump for president. Well, I guess the writing is on the wall.
Just met a Java developer with a flip phone because he can't get smart phones. That's like a rocket scientist who can't figure out cereal.
If you are a Mortal Kombat X fan Mortal Kombat XL is totally worth your time and money. That is all. #MKXL #MortalKombat #MortalKombatXL
"Fine asshole I'll get out of bed." - Something I just yelled at a bird outside my bedroom window.
Ahhh your children, the reason you make 25 thousand dollars more than me annually and I have far more disposable income.
Just finished #HouseOfCards
just in time for me to wish I had something to binge watch while I'm hungover this weekend.
Hey guys, @kupmuff
has a new show. We hung out, played The Simpsons Arcade game and talked sex. youtu.be/LleCTLxUnb8 #Retro #RetroGaming
This is one of my new favorite things: Slut Gaming - retro video games meets sex. youtu.be/LleCTLxUnb8 #retro #gaming #sex #Simpson
What's that you're drinking?
Me: $80 bottle of single malt aged 18 years
What's that you're wearing?
Me: Stained undershirt with holes in it
It's a beautiful night everyone, make sure you open the windows up all the way before you sit on the couch and play Xbox all night
55 million huh? I'll tell you what, any of you can peep me in a hotel room for $55.
Heat went off in my building last night. So it's 60 degrees outside and 42 degrees in my apartment
I'm a grown man in his mid 30s, so taking a healthy BM probably ranks in my daily top 5.
Dude...get out of here: i.imgur.com/XgxZAVa.gifv
New life goal: Somehow marry my way into the Polly-O string cheese family.
I don't mean to brag...but I ate 7 slices of pizza from 5 completely different pies. Today. #AmericanHero
First week of the new job done, and I neither wanted to quit or jump out the window, so I've got that going for me.
I don't know what I want to do more, eat a Taco Bell Quesalupa, or assassinate the asshole who made those annoying commercials.
And the award for Best Last Minute Xanax hookup goes to Patricia Arquette #Oscars
I don't know who The Weekend is, but I know you shouldn't be able to have that hair and wear a tux at the same time. #Oscars
Ok fine, I'll watch Mad Max. #Oscars
Found this guy living in my car engine. Seriously. #Cats instagram.com/p/BCIj58exlWq/
Later in the week I kinda want to get in my car and drive somewhere and do some stage time. Anyone on the east coast got a show?
Starting a new job a week from today, have a week off in the meantime. Any suggestions on what to do other than develop bed sores?
Do you starve or feed a cold? Let me know the place that makes my favorite calzone closes at midnight.
Did a nice review of A Delicate Man, and included a sample track philebrity.com/2016/02/12/fyi…
Just watched the #DaredevilSeason2
trailer. Jesus. Batman vs Superman you can go fuck yourself.
Guys, be sure to check out my friend @DoogieHorner
's album out today! itunes.apple.com/us/album/a-del…
Available on iTunes now: My new album, A Delicate Man - itunes.apple.com/us/album/a-del…