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Rob DeSantis
So I just found out I'm doing an AMA so whatever that is, I'm doing it now.…
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Just bought protein powder. So I just mix this with water and I become jacked overnight right?
Question for people who follow through on the things they want to accomplish: What's your fucking problem?
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I value human life as much as the next person but some people just need to die in dumpster fires.…
Ever meet someone who constantly brags and pats themselves on the back for the smallest accomplishments? Can we lock them all up somewhere?
Love & Other Performance Enhancing Drugs #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
The Devil Wears Tapout T-Shirts #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
How about "Breakfast Beer at Tiffany's"? RT @RobDComedy High Protein Breakfast at Tiffany's #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
My Best Friend's Bachelor Party #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
High Protein Breakfast at Tiffany's #ToughGuyRomComs @midnight
I don't mean to brag, but I just spelled "Pennsauken" correctly on the first try.
Tonight on "Dave Are Terrible People", Dave, with Michael Brooks co-hosting, welcomes in studio guest Steve...
Woman on the phone just said "I'm going to nominate you for sainthood" for helping her with her resume. Mother Theresa is going to be pissed
@RobDComedy I can't think of a better testimonial for my book. I also can't think of a worse one.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Hey guys, buy my friend @DavidTerruso's book, it once gave me 2 separate erections on one train ride (No Seriously)…
Lifehack: Listing your sexual fetishes in your @Match profile is a great way of weeding out women with any common sense. #LifeHack
@RobDComedy You have to be stronger than the booze and the fact that life is awful without it.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Two things about the fact I've been sober for 3 weeks. Physically I feel fantastic. Also I've never been so fucking bored in my entire life.
#LifeHack - Suicide Cults are a great way to meet women if you're into short term relationships.
The #NFL should start a literacy campaign called "The Read Option." That shit writes itself.
Did Obama address that weird Sia - Elastic Heart video with Shia LaBeouf yet? #SOTU #SOTU2015
You'd be surprised how many times I get confused for Samuel L Jackson. Well it was once and I'm pretty sure they meant a fat Sam Rockwell.
Oh my god the dog's name on the Jetson's was short for Astronaut. I'm 32 years old and just figured that out.
Well my day started being woken up by really loud squirrel sex outside my bedroom's everyone else's day going?
Wanted: Single woman who doesn't believe in astrology.
Michael Moore is really good at reminding people he exists right when everyone forgot about him.
Serial killer James French's last words in the electric chair were "How's this for your headline? French Fries" That dude was a comic genius
People who write FTW have never won anything.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
No! Drug tests are unconstitutional #FiveWordsToRuinAJobInterview
Quick question for people who work in big corporate companies: Do you think a "what your poop is telling you" website is blocked at work?
I stole that guy's cereal once. @arielhelwani Look at this guy.
I love Cerrone and hate Bendo but I don't know about that decision. #UFCBoston Would have loved to see 2 more rounds.
The fact that I've never been thrown through a window in a bar fight makes me wonder if I'm really living life to the fullest...
Marry, Fuck, Kill: Meathead Rob Lowe, Painfully Awkward Rob Lowe, Creepy Rob Lowe ##AFCChampionship #PatriotsVSColts #directtv
Well that was 3 terrible quarters of football and 1 really fucking great one. #SEAvsGB
One of our favs @DaveTerruso has a book! Check it ( Then see Dave this weekend with Colin Quinn!
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
71 dead after drinking home brew in Mozambique. Hear that hipsters? Theres a killer new craft beer in Mozambique you've gotta try #PointsMe
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
There are few things more exhilarating than watching a white guy, who clearly forgot someone of another ethnicity's name, "chance it."
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
People often think I'm in my mid 20's. I figure it's because I'm in my 30's but dress like I"m in high school so the math evens out.
"Dad, do I have to brush my teeth?" "No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda."
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
People have been found drunk in fountains before, but I want to be the first person found drunk in a chocolate fountain.