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Rob DeSantis
Breaking balls last night on the "Bob and Dave are terrible people" Podcast @RobDComedy @MattThanksYou
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
It takes a snow day like this to sit back and ask yourself...what the hell ever happened to Doug E. Doug?
Bob & Dave return with Steve Rinaldi and Matthew Tsang to discuss how masturbation keeps you connected to the...
I think we should build a machine that takes people who believe in astrology and launches them into space.
Live 9pm tonight, click on this shit… with @MattThanksYou & @Steve__Rinaldi. You can watch us drink beer.
I don't use the world "innovator" often but I just put A-1 steak sauce on salmon.
The upside to having a terrible cold is you already have tissues on the couch if an underwear commercial comes on TV.
3:48pm, finished my 50th oz of coffee for the day today. 3:48am, wonder why I can't seem to sleep on work nights.
"First I take a lot of LSD, then I write down whatever I see in a magic eye painting." ~ Writer of Old Spice commercials
It was just a dream guys, I didn't move to Rockaway NJ and get an apartment with Chris Pratt. We all had the same dream last night right?
Remember that time we didn't fuck? Me too.
I was surprised to learn that chewing gum is a billion dollar a year industry. I was also surprised how much dumb information surprises me.
Like many people I enjoy putting on some music during lovemaking. Specifically "Eye of the Tiger."
Autoerotic Asphyxiation is dangerous to do alone, which is why I always do it in the gym locker room. #SpotMeBro
Tonight come to the Dirty Show at @HeliumComedy. I'll be telling jokes or sacrificing a virgin on stage depending what the audience is into.
Human Sacrifice to appease the rain gods: For? Against? Discuss.
Tomorrow night I'm back on the Dirty Dozen at @HeliumComedy. If you guess what I have shoved down my pants you can take it home with you.
My new goal in life is to win an award just so I can give a speech like this:… @JerrySeinfeld
I told someone earlier today I was 2 years younger than I am, and I wasn't lying, I was wrong. How young is too young to have Alzheimer's?
FINE! I'll watch #Birdman already.
Fact: Overweight people insist on walking side by side down the sidewalk, not in a straight line, because then everyone walks their speed.
I haven't been intoxicated since New Years, which means I've been sober more days in 2015 than I was in 2014. How horrifying is that?
Ice skating must be a good butt workout. I'm basing that off the condition of the sidewalks in Philly and how sore my ass is right now.
I'm not going to say Sean Penn's joke was funny or appropriate, I will say if you spend more than 2 seconds caring about it you're an idiot.
I'm standing alone in a laundry mat trying my hardest not to walk into the bar directly across the street. This is entrapment.
Just so everyone knows, there is a special place in hell for people who regularly use "dat" "tho" and "da" in conversation and social media.
My next booking email to a comedy club is just going to be Morgan Freeman's speech to the parole board in Shawshank
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I think I'm junking my Camry and going @Zipcar. Anyone around Philly want a '03 Camry that needs 2k worth of repairs? You fix it you own it.
The correct amount of coffee you should drink every morning is whatever amount makes your left arm hurt.
Holy shit I just met a woman named Cleopatra.
I really should be more embarrassed over the frequency in which I misspell my own name in emails.
If I was a weather man I would only tell people what yesterday's weather was. That way I'd have the highest accuracy rating in the biz.
Lady: Are you really single? Me: Yup Lady: I think you would like my friend Jeff. Me: I feel like you skipped a question there...
I kill people with Kindness. Kindness is what I named my switchblade.
Anyone want to join my improv group "The Sex Offenders?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger would have never been Governor of CA, though ironically would play one in a movie. @midnight #IfThe80sNeverStopped
Hair Bands would still top the charts, subsequently Rogaine would be bigger than Google. @midnight #IfThe80sNeverStopped
I believe there is a direct correlation between my tax return hitting my bank account and my check engine light deciding to turn on.
Updated insult: "You've got a real face for podcasting."
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I'm wearing a wool cap indoors because I'm cooler than you, not because I'm an old man who gets cold in a drafty office. Where's my snuggie?
If I go on @Pornhub later and there is no video called "Ass Wednesday" I'm going to be really disappointed.
Attack of the Killer Sexbots #MyDreamIn5Words
I write It's A Wonderful Life fan fiction.
Great news everyone, I've been demoted from "fat" to "chubby." With some hard work and self discipline, I'll be "pudgy" before you know it.