Found my old #Fitbit
moments before ordering a new one. Someone came close to getting a used Fitbit as a birthday present...
BREAKING: 8th person at TrumpTower meeting identified as "Collusivov Treasonovich"
I sometimes wish I had a wife and kids. Specifically when I need to take my day out on another person.
Me: Have a good one
Coworker: You too
Me: You too
Me: Sorry I forgot who started that one.
What's the Over/Under on elderly people dying from heat stroke today because no one loves them enough to check in on them?
I don't know what it is like to lactate, but you wouldn't know that looking at the wet spots on my shirt this morning.
How come it's not pronounced "The Who?"
I don't trust any comedian that lacks self loathing
I laughed harder at that than most Netflix specials I've watched this year. McGregor already earned his paycheck. #MayweatherMcGregor twitter.com/TommyToeHold/s…
"Pat Robertson seems like a really good guy."- deaf, blind person with brain damage
If I was watching a movie with a character who was a scientist, and they weren't wearing a lab coat, I'd have no idea they were a scientist.
If you use the term "adulting" than you're probably doing it wrong.
Comedy rule of 3s
Take the amount of time you worked on your stage act, multiply x3, spend that much time arguing with comedians on Facebook
The two 60 year old white women in my HR department talking about #2PAC
might be a sign of an unintended consequence of making Rap movies.
Hey Philly comedy scene. Just a quick note that I fucking hate 90% of you.
I'm not the worst at something!!!!! <spikes invisible football...accidentally pulls a muscle> twitter.com/Zndr556/status…
OK, just finished the first season of Mr. Robot. Anyone know how I can travel back in time 2 years so I can talk to people about this?
I won free Oasis tickets off Y-100 in 5th grade. ...Looking back on it...its kinda weird my life peaked at 12 years old...
I have a cramp in my left eyelid. 3 and a half decades and my body still does shit that surprises and confuses me.
"Just think, this time next week it will only be Monday." ~ This is pretty much how my brain thinks time works.
This may be the #Ghostbusters
fan in me talking, but can we get Dan Aykroyd in a new movie? Someone get on that, I can't do everything.
Vacation days are usually the days my liver does the most amount of work.
I woke up at or before my work alarm would have gone off every day of this vacation. ...I don't even know who the fuck I am anymore...
There should be a Star Wars character named Buy-One Get-One.
"Watch this epic takedown of Trump"
Nah, I'm cool.
One million "epic takedowns" have done zilch. Nothing has changed. Keep sharing bs tho
I mailed some mail...which got me wondering...is a mailman a person who handles mail(n) or participates in the act of mailing?(v) @kupmuff
...well you're in the lead for "Most random tweet I'll get today." twitter.com/KinseyKokopell…
What was wrong with Times OLD Roman font? Ya know what I mean people?
May those of you who have never tweeted something off color about one of the hosts of "Morning Joe" cast the first stone
Fun game: wear a fitbit to work, drink 8 cups of coffee in the morning, then see how many steps you take just going to and from the restroom
I'm listening to 4 women in HR have a conversation comparing divorces, which just being within earshot of, I may need to retire my penis.
new Netflix special is a delight. Do yourself a favor this weekend and watch it.
Before you accept a new job, ask to use the bathroom just to make sure your phone gets good 4G on the toilet.
Comedy needs more people like Nick Kupsy in it. KUPSY the fuck up already you animals. @kupmuff
You guys are missing a really stimulating conversation at my new job about starting your own home knitting business. 🤧🔫
I celebrate a Friday night off at 35 the way I did when I was 7. Lots of Soda Pop and seeing how late I can stay up watching TV.
Getting back to a normal work schedule after being unemployed a month is hard. How many cups of coffee are you supposed to drink? Is it 7?
I'm going to say this again: I'll believe it when it happens twitter.com/WTFUProduction…
I just got a 9:20pm hankerin' for some ribs in the way that I think only a #pregnant
woman would understand.
"What are you doing for your Birthday?"
Putting on my pajama pants before 6:45pm instagram.com/p/BVTAccvAuP9/
Is it OK I'm almost 35 and still get excited when I remember I have Polly-O string cheese in the fridge?
Well, being #Unemployed
was fun while it lasted. Back to work Monday morning.
The inventor of the #SuperSoaker
is doing an #AMA
on Reddit. Pretty good read so far: reddit.com/r/IAmA/comment…
I know the feeling of what it's like to shop at a "Big & Tall" when everyone can see I'm clearly only one of those two things.
Job offer baby.
I know as much about the #ParisAgreement
as all of you did yesterday. Nothing. I'll do my homework and get back to you.
If you'd told me yesterday I'd wake up to Kathy #Griffin
in the headlines and she wasn't dead or in jail, I'd call you a fucking liar.
Is "has shitty tattoos" a type? If so I think that's my type.
"I never heard that word before I moved to Springfield."
"I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word." #covfefe