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Rob DeSantis
#LastComicStanding is a great opportunity for me to say "I've worked with that guy!" to an empty studio apartment. #blessed #grind #fucked
Dinner:Tequila Braised Pork Tenderloin. No wait,Tequila Roasted Pork Tenderloin. No, what is it when you mix pork & tequila in your stomach?
It's OK that I've been home for 6 minutes and I'm already wearing what I plan on going to bed in right?
Do eyebrows grow beards or do I just really need to trim my eyebrows?
Is it bad some of my favorite sets are the sets I get off stage feeling like 1/2 the audience loved me and the other 1/2 wants to fight me?
If ISIS was having a fundraiser but their cookies had white chocolate chips in them...I mean they wouldn't get my $ but I'd think about it.
It's OK, the women that follow me on Twitter do it Ironically.…
Is that what I've been doing wrong?…
Apparently I wasn't following @MattThanksYou. I hit follow and Twitter recommended 3 other Asians. Why don't you calm down Twitter. #Racist
I'm headlining this show this weekend. No that's not my face on this flyer, but that's probably a smart choice.…
How many presidential candidates do you think we'll be down to after this Ashley Madison shake up?
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Do I have to be married to be on Ashley Madison or does "getting to the age where it's weird I'm not married" good enough?
You know who can kiss my ass? @LoganDoesComedy He can also not kiss my ass. Totally up to him. I'd vote no but he's into weird shit.
Heard @BENFMNowPlaying mention @MaryRadzinski. I didn't hear why, I'm at work so I'm busy contemplating suicide, but that's pretty cool.
All of my heroes are either dead or ice cream.
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Uhhhhh. Im The worst.
Bob & Dave return with Sean Preston and Matt Lacy to discuss the pros and cons of having a horse urinate on your...
Pete Rose seems like the kind of dude that would violate a restraining order and talk to his kids through a schoolyard fence.
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All the women on the #TacoBell breakfast commercials are incredibly hot and skinny. Because eating Taco Bell for breakfast every morning...
I've never been #skydiving, but I bet it's exactly like being at a reception and seeing a caterer walking towards you with cocktail wieners.
Not to brag but I'm really fucking good at being average at things. Like I might be the greatest of all time at it. #GOAT
Headlining the #Manayunk @mnykcomedy on August 1st. @neillcarroll is featuring. Here is one of his standup shots.
How out of alignment my pant's fly and my underwear fly is right now is a perfect analogy for the type of day I'm having.
There really wasn't a single second of that #SuicideSquad trailer that made me want to give a shit about Suicide Squad.
Had a blast on @975TheFanatic this morning with @AnthonyLGargano and crew. Here's the first episode of #DelcoProper
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
1st episode of #DelcoProper is out! Watch it, share is with your friends, support these guys:…
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Looks like one of those #Minion things drank too much last night. #minions
Something just exploded up stairs, shook the entire building & fire alarm is going off. I can stay in bed right?
There is this company called Google you should buy stock in. #WhatIdTell18YearOldMe
Your Metabolism is going to slip in 1 year. #WhatIdTell18YearOldMe
You two don't end up married, so don't spend your college years committed to one vagina. #WhatIdTell18YearOldMe
*at the CIA* The terrorists have figured out that we're monitoring their communications. "What?! How?!" I accidentally hit reply all.
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Just to recap, UFC 189 had: --McGregor’s coronation --One of the greatest fights in UFC history --Two other FOTY candidates --KO of the year
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That #UFC189 card was some of the craziest shit I've ever seen.
Well guys- we took down Bill Cosby AND the Confederate Flag this week. I'm beat.
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@CMDolan99 when I first saw your new Twitter picture I thought you were @RobDComedy
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I was so drunk after a work happy hour yesterday that I went to lay down in bed, and missed. That takes real talent to miss your own bed.
Excited to hear about @bigjayoakerson getting a @ComedyCentral hour. Genuinely one of the funniest, coolest, nicest guys I've worked with.
I just pooped a heart. Awww...and me with no one to send the picture of it I took. <3.
Alright, I have to walk from 18th to 9th, who wants to take over under bets on how much weight I sweat out on the way?
I don't know what it says about me that I laughed really hard at this.…
Guys, August 1st I'm headlining, @mnykcomedy. @kupmuff is hosting (pic attached).
I think if no pizza / fast food commercials aired on any channel for an entire year, the US would collectively lose an avg of 155 pounds.
So Bill Cosby is OK slipping women drugs for sex, but lying in a deposition is too far. (Not that he should have lied, just saying...)
The first work day after a holiday weekend is like masturbation. Go through the motions & trick your brain to think U accomplished something
"Re-Imagined" isn't a word movie industry. if I Re-imagined Louie CK's Hilarious album I'd be justifiably beaten.
Not a bad view for the fireworks

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