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Rob D

That's honestly why I hope when I die it's hilarious. (2/2)
People always say you are only as good as your most recent accomplishment. So most people who ever lived were only as good as their death.
#stormjonas has me wondering: What % of internet bandwidth will be just Netflix and how many babies will be born 9 months from this weekend?
I'm performing at @Kennettflash tonight with @ChrisCoccia @DrewCastellano and some other studs. Come and I'll let you touch my surgery scar.
This looks swell, check it out: I just backed Good Good Comedy Theatre (Philadelphia, PA) on @kickstarter kck.st/1Pl7KD4
Every white girl who sings Aretha Franklin's "Respect" looks like she's fighting off bees.
Retweeted by Rob D
Well shit... That's not good for the 99.9% of the country who hate The Patriots. #Patriots
It's been weeks and Donald Trump still hasn't accepted my Linkedin invitation.
We're almost there, folks. I can't wait for lunch in a cup. altwork.com
Retweeted by Rob D
My least favorite people on the planet would probably be ISIS. Second least favorite would be people who sing along to Sublime songs.
If there is any worse group of people than an engaged couple I haven't met them.
I bought a Powerball ticket. I'm a hack.
That was the main reason I decided against it. twitter.com/versipellus/st…
Guys go see @ToddGlass & @BohemianPatsody at @HeliumComedy this week. If you don't you're a God Damn Communist.
Thinking of becoming sweatpants.
Retweeted by Rob D
This 1.5 Billion dollar discussion people are having about #Powerball is a great illustration of how many Americans are terrible at math.
Three weeks after surgery, almost fully healed, full range of motion. Modern medicine is fucking scary.
In terms of gender identity, I self identify as whatever Thanos is from the Marvel comics.
Growing up I thought being able to speak Pig Latin was going to be a much bigger deal than it really is. I should take it off my resume.
...And now, someone with an opposing viewpoint who actually has an IQ over 80. #BetterFoxNewsReports
Manage to get coffee on my shirt before even leaving my apartment. That's a new record for me.
Who would win in a fight: Gary Busey's teeth or Steve Harvey's teeth?
For fun I like to ask small children where babies come from. ...Actually it's because no adults take my question seriously. Is it Detroit?
Saturday is the perfect day just to sit back and work on your Dude Where's My Car fan fiction.
Don't kid yourself Jeff, there are much better reasons not to like me. twitter.com/versipellus/st…
My taint grooming game is on fleek. #WeirdThingsToBragAbout
If you look at my Ancestry tree you will find people who fought for the south in the Civil War. #WeirdThingsToBragAbout
I see rumors of Conor McGregor vs. RDA for March. I much rather see Conor fight @FrankieEdgar. #UFC
A coworker just told me he liked my shirt, to which I replied "YOU WOULD!" I really need to learn how to take a compliment.
At least he did the right thing and killed himself. twitter.com/cassidycomedy/…
I would never categorize myself a "good person," but I've never been a shitty enough person to eat another person's lunch out of the fridge.
This is still one of my favorite sketches ever: Whitest Kids You Know - Kid Beer youtu.be/lMvPT6w21KY via @YouTube
This has been my main concern about ever getting the Cy Young. Also that I'm not a professional baseball player. twitter.com/MattHaggerty8/…
Oddly enough considering they opened up my arm and removed a muscle, that scar doesn't look too bad...
How'm I lookin' Twitter?
I got the sutures in my arm out! Now I can shower without wearing a garbage bag on my arm! I'll be sure to send you all pics.
Kobayashi Maroon. Def. Any troll on social media who's arguments and are extreme to the point that engaging them is an unwinnable situation
Retweeted by Rob D
Most of my inner monologue: "You're being too quiet! Say something you idiot! Oh boy, shouldn't have said that..."
Retweeted by Rob D
Just when I thought I couldn't love this man more. twitter.com/JohnCleese/sta…
Well, I'm a minute in to this new show #Bordertown on Fox, and I'm pretty sure it's going to be cancelled by the end of the episode.
Ugh, diet starts tomorrow. No alcohol or junk food for 3 months. Just healthy food and black tar heroin for me. #newyearsresolution
Everyone get your rifles and go to a McDonalds. Hold your ground until Shamrock Shakes are available year round! #OregonUnderAttack
This game means nothing, but pretty entertaining so far. #PHIvsNYG
I just got pickle juice in my eye. How's everyone else's 2:16 am going?
I'm sorry...how did Condit not win that fight? #UFC195

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