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Rob D

#unemployed : Day 3 Took an afternoon nap. Not sure why it took me 3 days to get around to that one.
Unemployment is watching the movie Showgirls because you're interested in watching a movie with a story
Unemployed: Day 2 "Pants are for people who have a reason to leave the apartment."
Pink (Just for the month of October) Panther #FirstDraftCartoons @midnight
Unemployed: Day 1.
I don't think it's too much to ask for a guy like me in his 30s to find a woman who doesn't believe in astrology. #typical #Gemini
On my first day of being unemployed I went to the movies at 2pm. Now I'm out of ideas 4 the week. #GuardiansoftheGalaxyVol2 was solid BTW.
I don't consider myself smart. I consider myself very high functioning stupid.
In regards to Robert E Lee: A) I am literally named after him (the 6th in my family) B) I have no issue with that statue being taken down.
I've been unemployed for a hour and I'm already bored.
By that logic you'd think more people would vigorously maaterbate in church.…
That was a crazy ass fight man. Both those guys were chasing bonus money.…
Donald #Trump somehow looks like a person whose face was actually Photoshop'ed onto another person's body in real life.
I want coffee this morning, and beer. Do they make coffee beer? Listen beer industry, make a failed Pepsi Kona product for deviants like me
I watched enough X Files to know the real guy behind the #COMEY firing was some old dude standing in the shadows smoking a cigarette.
I mean all the @POTUS just accomplished is a guarantee no one is going to shut the fuck up about Russia for the next 4 years. #COMEY #Trump
Yes, Cruz puts Trump over truth but that's what anyone would do for a guy who spent 6 mos calling you a liar & insulting your wife's looks.
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Cutting Cable was a lot like getting divorced. I was getting fucked for years by someone I hated and getting out was a lot of paperwork.
Happy #NationalTeachersDay teachers. Just put on an episode of Planet Earth, no one cares.
I'd feel more comfortable eating a woman's butt than her taking a french fry off my plate without asking. That level of intimacy is weird.
It's my last week of employment at this job. This is at the top of my list of how I want to walk out the door:…
I put in my 2 weeks notice at work, so in 2 weeks I will be much like God, working in mysterious ways. (Specifically not at all).
“Julius Caesar was really angry about World War 2” Mr Trump added., “Bad. Not good. I would have stopped it.”
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I can't even wrap my head around people attacking science. Like gravity ever did anything to any of you...unless you're Buddy Holly.
I'm happy I lost some weight, though I have to say, not thrilled I now have the stretch marks of a woman who carried tripplets.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says "I'll drive, you man the guns." @CorvusRex_
That moment you realize "The Beatles" is a pun.
Retweeted by Rob D
Is there such a thing as a super soaker water gun that shoots nacho cheese? If not...anyone have a super soaker they don't want back?
The comedy scene is alive and well in Philadelphia @goodgoodcomedy
Retweeted by Rob D
Hosting 2 sold out shows for @steveo tonight at @HeliumComedy. Obviously you can't buy tickets so I'm only posting this to brag.
This clip from Dirty Work I've seen probably 1000 times and still laugh at it. Farley was incredible… @normmacdonald
Damn, they look fucking serious
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I'm hanging out at @HeliumComedy this week for 6 shows with @steveo. Come see if this is the weekend my act gets me fired from my real job.
God damn. Aaron Hernandez sure is getting good at killing people. #AaronHernandez
They think there may be life on a moon orbiting Saturn. Even if it's a single living cell...pretty fucking cool.
Sad to hear about Charlie. As nice and fun to work with as anyone. Just one of the coolest fuckin dudes ever. #charliemurphy @Freezluvcomedy
Coworkers are just real life NPCs.
Now that I dropped some pounds, I'd say my current weight/body type is "chubby," also referred to regionally as "Philadelphia Skinny."
Sean Spicer forgot 6 million Jews were sent to gas chambers, and it's Passover. I got fired once because my cash register drawer was short.
Retweeted by Rob D
"Hitler didn't even sink to using chemical weapons." I mean you can't even make up this level of stupid...…
You learn something new everyday. Today I learned I pronounce zero like "zeeru" and have sounded idiotic for 30 years. #themoreyouknow
Cutting Cable as of today. I'll let you know what the withdrawal symptoms are like. I'm already getting a bit itchy.
Me: Syria Internet: Dude, that was days ago. We are on Pepsi now. Me: Pepsi is killing people? Internet: Aren't they?
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