I skipped an open mic to watch the giants game...which is kind of like skipping a dentist appointment to punch myself in the face.
Hang out at your local social security office and then tell me how we are the best country in the world.
Does anyone else find it weird the belief behind the Jewish kippah (yarmulke) and homeless people wearing tinfoil hats are exactly the same?
I just experienced that fear only someone who has a job & falls asleep at their desk can know upon waking up & seeing if their boss noticed.
Shooting in Ballys Vegas. Awesome start to the week. #pubcon
Guys! My Nick Foles costume was REALLY convincing. The rest of the Eagle organization JUST figured it out! #Halloween
I saw Dez Bryant in a Hooters last night. I'm assuming his body metabolizes Hooters wings much different than mine.
Something Witty At The Dive, South Philly's free Friday night comedy show, tonight! bit.ly/1cD6cDR #reddit
It's one of those didn't realize I forgot to put on underwear until almost 3pm kinda days.
Ironically my version of hell would be being forced to listen to Christian rock for eternity.
Would someone mind mansplaining manscaping for me?
If it's dark outside it's OK to be drunk. Yet another reason I hate summer.
I don't know which one of us was more embarrassed in the morning. #TBT
Getting a parking ticket=defeat. Rubbing your balls on the payment check= victory. #winner
Finally got around to activating my #HBOGO
account. Now I have even more ways to never watch True Blood.
The best way to win a comedy contest is by canceling it to do anything else.
Yes, Congratulations Senate, you have an idea for how to put out the fire that you purposely started in your own kitchen.
I want to be a comedian but being away from my couch for 5 days has been hard. This must be what being a parent is like. #unconditionallove
I' m drinking at Logan airport in Boston on a layover, and I just discovered I can't prevent laughing at Boston accents when I have a buzz.
About to do some time at ComedySportz Chicago.
One more night in #Chicago
. Performing at @ComedySportzChi
tonight on the @100proofcomedy
Chicago is a pretty nice city. Its a lot like Philly but no one has spit in my face yet.
I don't know what company makes this but I'm buying stock in it. vine.co/v/hHjmF1DPKgb
This might be the earliest I've ever drank scotch...in public.
If you're in Chicago come to the 8pm show at @TCBChicago
I'm doing a guest spot assuming my plane doesn't crash...or get delayed or whatever
Got from my front door to my gate at the airport in less than an hour. That's got to be some kind of record.
It's cool if I go to bed at 8:45 right?
asked the question "Can Men Be Raped?" And boy did the comments section respond. New comment shaming: commentshaming.tumblr.com/post/637533906…
I wonder what it would look like if Picasso took a selfie.
I made one joke about smelling nag champah incense and I've been getting "meet hippy singles" ads ever since
That shouldn't be a problem, I generally don't talk to people who aren't in a position to give me food or alcohol. @kennyflorian
Looks like some of these Facebook ads are getting better are knowing who they are targeting... pic.twitter.com/Q3QuIfJD0y
Masturbation reduces nasal congestion and helps with common cold and Hay fever. ...Fine I SUPPOSE I'll give Holistic medicine a try...
Christian Group: ‘Better to die than live in pro-gay world.’ Well...knock yourself out there Christian Group. gaystarnews.com/article/christ…
Rape kits may stop in DC if the government shutdown continues. Legitimate Rape kits not at risk, GOP spokesperson assures public.
"How am I funny? Am I alt funny? Am I club funny? Am I Catskills funny? Am I improv funny? Am I not funny?"- Joe Pesci at an open mic
Hey have you guys ever thought about how like...weird it is that it rains? ...Shit I think packed the wrong brownie with my lunch today.
's new special on Netflix is totally worth watching / listening to. Be sure to follow me for more obvious tweets.
Everybody who says "do what makes you happy" seems to forget a guaranteed scientific answer to that is "drugs".
"This one time...at Brand camp..." ~ American Pie 8: MBA in Marketing.
Thank you for your input. Have a blessed day.
Judging by his "have a blessed day" I'm sure he thinks a lot of things are true based of nonsense. @CMDolan99
doesn't he mean trooth?
"Obama hates America" sounds like conjecture to me. @TroothBooth
I speak the truth. If people don't want to accept it, that's their choice.
Well your no fun. Fine...I guess I'll go back to doing my JOB then... @TroothBooth
Thank you for your input. Have a blessed day.
Guys I'm neither Pro Obama or Pro GOP, I'm Pro keep our arguments grounded in reality. Someone find me a political party because I can't.
You're an idiot. #Fact @TroothBooth
Obama hates America. His parents, friends, professors, mentors & church taught him that. #Truth
5% of Americans approve of Congress. Even if you assume all 5% are crazy, that's probably not even a majority *of crazy people* in America.
Can anyone think of another word for thesaurus?