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Rob DeSantis
Life feels like a very long rough draft
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I had no interest in seeing #Poltergeist then I saw its got Sam Rockwell...Yea I might check it out.
"I got shot in the face!" ~ George Zimmerman's 911 call and Steve Buscemi in Fargo
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Going to a wedding, store was out of wedding cards, figured this was the next closest thing.
This morning, why not wash that Plan B pill with a little plan A? Arbys: what's one more bad decision?
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Making my world famous Garlic BBQ Sriracha wings. World famous because I generally never shut the fuck up about them.
Trying to get my coworker to remember to push in his chair...
Tequila: If you're drunk enough to eat the worm, you've had enough Tequila.
Anyone who has ever said "I can't understand how anyone could ever commit suicide" has never had a #Nickelback song stuck in their head.
Sometimes you eat a whole thing of bacon & drink a bottle of tequila. Some nights you knit a scarf. Feel free to guess which I did tonight.
I want to apologize in advance. I don't know for what exactly I just know myself and know it's probably a good idea to tweet this.
Up early to move my car...guess I could always get a head start on my work...nah, might as well play some Mortal Kombat.
Bob & Dave return with Joe Mayo (O&A Traveling Virus Tour) and Brian Finnell (Philadelphia Comedy Attic) to talk...
So @bfinlcomedy & Joe Mayo will be on Bob & Dave tonight, 9pm, on @LaffCast Over/Under on racial slurs said by Joe Mayo is 5.
Just had Chinese Buffet for anyone keeping track of bad decisions today.
The day after a drinking holiday and I'm the only one who got to work on time today. What a bunch of fucking lightweights.
I know it seems like a drink way too much but it's more that I take sips during any moment I feel awkward.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
via @reddit: "The writing staff of Futurama held three Ph.D.s, seven masters degrees, and cumulatively had more than 50 years at Harvard"
It's #CincoDeMayo, yes I will be drinking some tequila. Though in all honestly it's because I have some left over from #CincoDeCuatro
My phone just auto-corrected "Dildo" to "Soldiers." No I won't give you any context to what I was discussing. #MindYoBusiness
I leave my apartment with my hair still wet and walk to work. I call my hairstyle "Depends how windy it is outside."
Do NOT let your kids watch this book commercial! Rated S for 16 and up!… (watch in 1080p)
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Messed up my Ulnar Nerve so I'm not going to have feeling in my left hand for a few weeks. Plus side, I don't have to sit on my hand anymore
How do I jump through this conference call and give this person the light?
Great weekend at Wisecrackers. Heading home for some quality couch time.
Alright, #Avengers was awesome. I know people were complaining it was a 3 hour long commercial for the next movies, but it was still great.
Alright, checking out the Avengers at noon. That should kill some time.
Well I'm stuck in Allentown, PA all day. What is there to do in this town besides J/O on every piece of furniture in my hotel room?
Not counting the Mezzanine. #HudsuckerProxy
Watching the #hudsuckerproxy It might not be your up of tea. Maybe you don't like it when people do awesome shit.
I'm aware I'm an adult in his 30's, but I kinda want to watch #Tomorrowland…
Thank god someone invited a white guy with dreads & he could switch shifts @ Wholefoods so he could show up & bang bongos #PhillyisBaltimore
And the protesters showed up. #phillyisbaltimore Thank God they remembered the Bongo drums.
Here is a shot of city hall. Lots of cops. No protesting yet. #phillyisbaltimore I can still use…
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Idiots.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I've read 6 more Harry Potter books than any book I've ever read about what I do professionally.
I'm so dehydrated from yesterday I just pulled 4 muscles sneezing.
Wow! Thanks real person and obviously not a twitter bot. @musogorybepe Rob DeSantis Your tweet is chosen to win. Our profile has the site.
My boss is going on vacation, and the resort she is going to sent her a complimentary selfie stick. I honestly think i might set a fire.
Brought a coworker to @HeliumComedy for the showcase last night. Pretty sure he's now @MaryRadzinski's #1 fan.
Fucking (insert whatever) Right?!?!
Uhhhhhh. Ok. This is my bathroom apparently
I was so drunk last night that I got a DUI in Mario Kart
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Nothing like social and civil unrest riots to make me want to log off social media for an entire month.
Apparently at some point in history, this $10 dollar bill was used to buy weed.
Quick! twitter friends! I need Elliot Gould's shoe size and a lock of Penny Marshall's hair it's a matter of life and death ASAP!!
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Hey guys, just a reminder, no one fucking asked what your opinion of the #Baltimore situation is.