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Rob DeSantis
If I get accused of having "white privilege" one more time I"m going to tell my butler to kick then shit out of that person.
If I murder one of my coworkers but I do it out of the office, it's not an H.R. issue right?
Calvin & Hobbes turns 30 today! If that seems like too long ago, write TIME MACHINE on a nearby cardboard box.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Islamic State recruitment rally. #BadFirstDateActivities
Double date with my Parole Officer and his wife. #BadFirstDateActivities
"You like animals? My apartment has mice!" #BadFirstDateActivities
Couples Massage (because my girlfriend is unavailable) #BadFirstDateActivities
Showing her where we are going to grow old together. #BadFirstDateActivities
Do women over 65 go shopping just to talk to strangers in line?
Whenever someone starts a statement with "I'm a Christian" or "I'm an American," what follows is almost always unChristian and unAmerican.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I just ate spicy pickles until I gave myself heart burn. This is a perfect example of why I don't do drugs. #Pickle #overdose
Just got really excited & bought fruit cups, which means I'll really be able to relate to my nephew when we both mentally turn 6.
My new show "F Is For Family" is debuting on @netflix Dec 18th. Here is the official trailer!
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What? Remaking Memento? If that movie ends any other way besides the lead character discovering he already starred in #Memento they f'ed up.
At long last, Charlie Sheen really does have it all.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
For you Kennett Square folks, this show on Wednesday is going to be a treat:…
Man, you've got to give the #giants credit, they are the best at making you think they can win a game and then not.
Took me all day but I did my dishes...mainly because I wash 1 dish every hour or so. Jesus Christ I'm lazy.
Fucking Beckham Jr. Jesus Christ that guy can play. #Giants #GiantsVSPats
I've lived in Philly long enough where 2 zebras running down the street probably wouldn't even illicit a reaction out of me.
Awww, just had my first full on glitch / game freeze in #Fallout4. Took 15 hours of game play, not bad for Bethesda.
Philadelphia 12/3 I'm filming my @ComedyCentral Hour Special at @thetrocadero. Come see a show, it's free:
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I wish the Presidential elections were more like my 8th grade election, not in the popular vote sense, but just so Bart Simpson has a shot.
Surgery scheduled for Dec 21st. So this year on NYE I won't be that drunk guy at the party, I'll be that guy pilled out on Perc 50's.
"I believe that there is an equality to all humanity. We all suck."
@neillcarroll @RobDComedy @realDonaldTrump You guys need to keep in mind, if we deport all minorities, mayonaise will be #1. Shudder....
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
@RobDComedy @realDonaldTrump Salsa just sneaks right in and steals ketchup's job BIG SURPRISE
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Salsa is now beating ketchup and is the #1 condiment in the United States. THIS IS WHY WE NEED TO BUILD A WALL!!! @realDonaldTrump
God is my work day over yet so I can play Fallout 4? No wait, it's 8:30, I'm literally only 15 seconds into my day...
Is it Tuesday yet? Is it Tuesday yet? Is it Tuesday yet? Is it Tuesday Yet? #Fallout4
@RobDComedy @HeliumComedy didn't get to say goodbye. Great job nice meeting you!
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Great story bro, but did you perform comedy in front of the mayor of Phoenixville? Exactly. My new answer this weekend @RobDComedy @Stenta7
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Hey everyone, I'm opening for @thelovemaster Craig Shoemaker tonight at @HeliumComedy. You can't punch me in the face if you don't come.
I've been using this new Dating app Linkedin. Has anyone tried this? It's fantastic if you like women in pant suits.
Hell is a montage of cool moments you missed while taking a selfie.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Donald Trump now has a Secret Service detail. Does he have an official nickname yet? Looking forward to those agent writing a book some day.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
You can't talk to me like this! I graduated from the Com Nity Coll Hildelphia!
Comedy Agenda for next week: None... #Fallout4 is coming out, there is a good chance I won't show up to work.
Comedy Agenda: Hosting @HeliumComedy tonight, @PJRyansPub on Thursday, @billburr Friday (watching), & guest hosting @thelovemaster Saturday.
There's a mouse running around my place like he pays the rent. Bastard came up within 3 feet of me and looked at me like I was the asshole.
At this point the only way the Saints offense could be doing any better is if the Giants defense wasn't even on the field. #NYGvsNO
Maybe Batman liked #Halloween so much he just figured out a way to wear costumes year round... #halloween2015 #Batman #halloweencostume
Can you imagine how much everyone would have hated The Beatles if they had a podcast at the height of their popularity?
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Congrats on my neighbors pulling off the couples costume: Neighbors who fuck loud. #halloween2015 #Holloween #AlligatorFuckHouse
November 18 I return to Philadelphia in a pillar of fire to record my first comedy album at Helium…
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis

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