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Rob DeSantis
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@RobDComedy Listen to Bob And Dave Are Terrible People - 58 now, on Stitcher:…
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I like how the words #Iggy and #Pop are both trending right now and there is a 0% chance those tweets are about Iggy Pop.
"Who's your retirement plan with? Fidelity? Citibank?" "Smith & Wesson."
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Woman has "reading interventionist" as her job title, she gets people to "read more", ironically I stopped reading her resume immediately.
How far do you think I can spit from here...
Is there addiction counseling for people who can't go more than 2 hours without caffeine? Because I need help (pumpkin spice help preferred)
Green Milkshake (except nowhere near St Patrick's Day) #RuinADessert @midnight
Any vegetable including Carrot Cake #RuinADessert @midnight
#Lifehack : For more lucid dreaming, take a laxative right before you go to sleep.
Tell me I'm not going to do my dishes or clean my kitchen tonight. Seriously I only do shit if I feel like I'm doing it out of spite.
Drugs and alcohol were invented because white women are unbearable.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
If anyone needs me I'm getting my 7th caffeinated beverage of the day. Losing sleep over being a #Giants fan makes for a rough Monday.
In Focus: Centers For Disease Contraction Urges Americans To Suck Doorknob
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I need a better work ethic....someone go get me one of those.
My 1st comedy album, My Brave Battle, comes out tomorrow. It'd be a big personal favor to me if you bought it.…
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
@RobDComedy Enjoy your coffee bought with blood money, sinner.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I just laughed at a #Dilbert comic strip. I don't even know who I am anymore.
Well, I might as well go to bed early, at least that way I might have a dream where the #Giants don't look like shit. #GiantsvsEagles
Either my #Giants win tonight or the #Eagles win and I get free coffee at #Dunkin Tomorrow. So really I win either way... #EaglesvsGiants
#Lifehack : Roasted Pistachios taste awesome on pizza. no joke here. Fucking do it and thank me later.
I really miss the days when we understood that "blogger" just meant "asshole with a computer and an opinion."
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I'm in a good mood today because I'm wearing my favorite pair of boxer shorts. In some ways I am a simple...simple man.
"Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I am *not *a crackpot."
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
If you're a radio DJ and you don't play "Everybody's Workin For The Weekend" at least 10 times every Friday than get the fuck off the radio.
I just heard on the news there is an accident in Bucks county involving a school bus and horse. Those children will be scared for life.
My motivation for losing weight is hoping homeless stop calling me "Big Man" when asking for money. Call my "Skinny" I'll give you a dollar
I'm am as equally impressed with the human body's ability to heal as I am disgusted by how gross scabs are. Get your shit together science.
No air freshener will ever smell as good as a crock pot cooking ribs. Also air fresheners taste like shit.
Sarcasm is hard to read in a text message. Spite comes through with album-quality fidelity.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I forgot how much I hated wearing contacts. I'm totally aware I have a thin layer over my eyes like I'm wearing eye condoms.
So this is my face today. Still pretty.
Who said I was a good person? @ComicChrisHayes Pissed it happens to good people like yourself. Glad you're alright man.
@RobDComedy that looks brutal. I guess people have to avoid white people now in center city.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
So...funny story (I'm fine)
Live, Laugh, Lose your keys a punch a hole through the wall.
It's just like Philly where the minute you're about to go to sleep is the minute your neighbor starts beating their child. #TryingToSleep
Jesus @IanKarmel is entertaining as hell to listen to on @WTFpod. He's somehow charming even audio only.
Check out last night's Bob & Dave you dirty communist.… @CMDolan99 @DeathSquadPhila #RT
I think the real reason I don't want to have kids is I don't ever want to be in a position where power naps are no longer an option for me.