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Rob DeSantis
If you have faith in humanity type "Minion Porn" into Google. I've never done so but promise something fucked up shows up.
Once I year I always think I love Lobster Bisque and then discover I don't at all. See you again next year Lobster Bisque.
How early on a Monday is "too early" to threaten to murder everyone in your office? #MondayMotivation
Hey guys, my podcast co-host & communist sympathizer @DavePrimiano is on Twitter. I'm not saying follow him, I'm just warning all of Twitter
Just hunted down #Cecil the fly and hanging his head over my fireplace.'s a really small fireplace. #CecilTheLion
Y'all weird, in talk fundy
Superman gets his powers from the earth's yellow sun...but I wonder how many moles with irregular edges he has had to get checked out.
#UnlikelySuperheroLines "The Joker must be stopped, he killed my boner. No wait...parents." ~ Batman
I've gotten so old that I haven't the slighest fucking clue how to move my body if a Skrillex song came on.
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Had a date this weekend with a lady who is pretty much a female me. I'm not sure if I really like her or I have a massive ego problem.
Hey! Please give me a vote in the WMGK Philly @jdbshow Comedy Contest Finals! Please vote for me & RT ! Thanks!
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Boy showing up early to comedy shows is super depressing.
Hey guys, be sure to come to the @mnykcomedy this weekend. I have a new bit where I use the mic as a dick and hump the stool for 20 minutes.
If you missed our last episode, you missed another fantastic Bomb File.
So @DrSeanTPreston first night as a NYC Open Mic'er, he got drunk & performed w/ David Koechner.… @DavidKoechner
Good Episode of the 'cast boys. I say 'cast for short because I'm fucking cool. @LoganDoesComedy @bfinlcomedy
If there are any whiskey people out there, check out #greenspot it's pretty fantastic
I've never heard a #Drake or #MeekMill song...or maybe I have, I have no idea, I just know you people have too much fucking free time.
Still not over the fact that Papa Doc from 8 Mile is now an Avenger
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I always thought Aerosmith lyrics "Dude looks like a lady" were actually "Do me like a lady." Kind of a different song entirely isn't it?
You can generally tell how hungover I am by how many belt loops I miss.
Come check out @mnykcomedy Saturday at 8pm. I"m headlining, and my buddy @kupmuff is hosting (Here is a pic of us)
#ImStrongestWhen I've been drinking tequila. Or at least I think so...
I was looking down at a friend for being divorced, which is like me looking down at a professional athlete of a sport I've never played.
To me Caitlyn Jenner should star in her own bad TV show, cash out on interviews, & charge money for speeches. You know what I mean? Bravery
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I missed a call from Northeast Indiana at 12:12am last night. ...any of you dicks live in Northeast Indiana?
At this point even if the last two episodes of #TrueDetective are incredible, the season is going to be a letdown.
I liked a @YouTube video Legion Of Skanks - Episode 161 - The Roast Of Big Jay Oakerson
#LastComicStanding is a great opportunity for me to say "I've worked with that guy!" to an empty studio apartment. #blessed #grind #fucked
Dinner:Tequila Braised Pork Tenderloin. No wait,Tequila Roasted Pork Tenderloin. No, what is it when you mix pork & tequila in your stomach?
It's OK that I've been home for 6 minutes and I'm already wearing what I plan on going to bed in right?
Do eyebrows grow beards or do I just really need to trim my eyebrows?
Is it bad some of my favorite sets are the sets I get off stage feeling like 1/2 the audience loved me and the other 1/2 wants to fight me?
If ISIS was having a fundraiser but their cookies had white chocolate chips in them...I mean they wouldn't get my $ but I'd think about it.
It's OK, the women that follow me on Twitter do it Ironically.…
Is that what I've been doing wrong?…
Apparently I wasn't following @MattThanksYou. I hit follow and Twitter recommended 3 other Asians. Why don't you calm down Twitter. #Racist
I'm headlining this show this weekend. No that's not my face on this flyer, but that's probably a smart choice.…
How many presidential candidates do you think we'll be down to after this Ashley Madison shake up?
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Do I have to be married to be on Ashley Madison or does "getting to the age where it's weird I'm not married" good enough?
You know who can kiss my ass? @LoganDoesComedy He can also not kiss my ass. Totally up to him. I'd vote no but he's into weird shit.
Heard @BENFMNowPlaying mention @MaryRadzinski. I didn't hear why, I'm at work so I'm busy contemplating suicide, but that's pretty cool.
All of my heroes are either dead or ice cream.
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Uhhhhh. Im The worst.
Bob & Dave return with Sean Preston and Matt Lacy to discuss the pros and cons of having a horse urinate on your...
Pete Rose seems like the kind of dude that would violate a restraining order and talk to his kids through a schoolyard fence.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
All the women on the #TacoBell breakfast commercials are incredibly hot and skinny. Because eating Taco Bell for breakfast every morning...

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