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Rob DeSantis
If you have faith in humanity type "Minion Porn" into Google. I've never done so but promise something fucked up shows up.
Once I year I always think I love Lobster Bisque and then discover I don't at all. See you again next year Lobster Bisque.
How early on a Monday is "too early" to threaten to murder everyone in your office? #MondayMotivation
Hey guys, my podcast co-host & communist sympathizer @DavePrimiano is on Twitter. I'm not saying follow him, I'm just warning all of Twitter
Just hunted down #Cecil the fly and hanging his head over my fireplace. ...it's a really small fireplace. #CecilTheLion
Y'all weird, in talk fundy
Superman gets his powers from the earth's yellow sun...but I wonder how many moles with irregular edges he has had to get checked out.
#UnlikelySuperheroLines "The Joker must be stopped, he killed my boner. No wait...parents." ~ Batman
I've gotten so old that I haven't the slighest fucking clue how to move my body if a Skrillex song came on.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Had a date this weekend with a lady who is pretty much a female me. I'm not sure if I really like her or I have a massive ego problem.
Hey! Please give me a vote in the WMGK Philly @jdbshow Comedy Contest Finals! surveymonkey.com/s/jdbcomedy Please vote for me & RT ! Thanks!
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Boy showing up early to comedy shows is super depressing.
Hey guys, be sure to come to the @mnykcomedy this weekend. I have a new bit where I use the mic as a dick and hump the stool for 20 minutes.
If you missed our last episode, you missed another fantastic Bomb File. fb.me/7w1E3d7Ng
So @DrSeanTPreston first night as a NYC Open Mic'er, he got drunk & performed w/ David Koechner. youtube.com/watch?v=I6fZo-… @DavidKoechner
Good Episode of the 'cast boys. I say 'cast for short because I'm fucking cool. @LoganDoesComedy @bfinlcomedy
If there are any whiskey people out there, check out #greenspot it's pretty fantastic
I've never heard a #Drake or #MeekMill song...or maybe I have, I have no idea, I just know you people have too much fucking free time.
Still not over the fact that Papa Doc from 8 Mile is now an Avenger
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I always thought Aerosmith lyrics "Dude looks like a lady" were actually "Do me like a lady." Kind of a different song entirely isn't it?
You can generally tell how hungover I am by how many belt loops I miss.
Come check out @mnykcomedy Saturday at 8pm. I"m headlining, and my buddy @kupmuff is hosting (Here is a pic of us)
#ImStrongestWhen I've been drinking tequila. Or at least I think so...
I was looking down at a friend for being divorced, which is like me looking down at a professional athlete of a sport I've never played.
To me Caitlyn Jenner should star in her own bad TV show, cash out on interviews, & charge money for speeches. You know what I mean? Bravery
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
I missed a call from Northeast Indiana at 12:12am last night. ...any of you dicks live in Northeast Indiana?
At this point even if the last two episodes of #TrueDetective are incredible, the season is going to be a letdown.
I liked a @YouTube video youtu.be/VuNS_XgUwD8?a Legion Of Skanks - Episode 161 - The Roast Of Big Jay Oakerson
#LastComicStanding is a great opportunity for me to say "I've worked with that guy!" to an empty studio apartment. #blessed #grind #fucked
Dinner:Tequila Braised Pork Tenderloin. No wait,Tequila Roasted Pork Tenderloin. No, what is it when you mix pork & tequila in your stomach?
It's OK that I've been home for 6 minutes and I'm already wearing what I plan on going to bed in right?
Do eyebrows grow beards or do I just really need to trim my eyebrows?
Is it bad some of my favorite sets are the sets I get off stage feeling like 1/2 the audience loved me and the other 1/2 wants to fight me?
If ISIS was having a fundraiser but their cookies had white chocolate chips in them...I mean they wouldn't get my $ but I'd think about it.
It's OK, the women that follow me on Twitter do it Ironically. twitter.com/cbarnesrun/sta…
Is that what I've been doing wrong? twitter.com/cbarnesrun/sta…
Apparently I wasn't following @MattThanksYou. I hit follow and Twitter recommended 3 other Asians. Why don't you calm down Twitter. #Racist
I'm headlining this show this weekend. No that's not my face on this flyer, but that's probably a smart choice. twitter.com/slangwhangerco…
How many presidential candidates do you think we'll be down to after this Ashley Madison shake up?
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Do I have to be married to be on Ashley Madison or does "getting to the age where it's weird I'm not married" good enough?
You know who can kiss my ass? @LoganDoesComedy He can also not kiss my ass. Totally up to him. I'd vote no but he's into weird shit.
Heard @BENFMNowPlaying mention @MaryRadzinski. I didn't hear why, I'm at work so I'm busy contemplating suicide, but that's pretty cool.
All of my heroes are either dead or ice cream.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Uhhhhh. Im The worst.
Bob & Dave return with Sean Preston and Matt Lacy to discuss the pros and cons of having a horse urinate on your... fb.me/4rCM0Sdli
Pete Rose seems like the kind of dude that would violate a restraining order and talk to his kids through a schoolyard fence.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
All the women on the #TacoBell breakfast commercials are incredibly hot and skinny. Because eating Taco Bell for breakfast every morning...




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