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Rob DeSantis
Nah, that dude's ego is big enough, frankly I think he's kind of an asshole. @agapedominion You ought to give God some praise!
I don't get the people who complain about being single on V-day. If anything we are the only ones who get to enjoy a stress free Saturday.
Email I got from client: "I will not be able to make our meeting this afternoon as I have a proctology exam with our Internal Audit Team."
Hey guys, I'm part of a stellar lineup at @HeliumComedy Saturday at midnight, you should come, especially if you're a drunk lonely person.
50 Shades of Grey...that's the story about the guy who never ages but has a picture in his attic that gets older right? #50ShadesOfGrey
I haven't had any alcohol in 6 weeks but doubled my daily caffeine intake. I guess I don't feel normal unless I have an abnormal heartbeat.
Did the math: if no one changes the radio station in my office, I've projected I will listen to UB40's - Red Red Wine 783 times this year
Even if I had a doctorate in Psychology I don't think I'd ever understand people who have the desire to speak to strangers in an elevator.
Remember, the 9th circle of hell is for treachery. The 8th layer of hell is for people who illegally download music.
Feminist: 2+2=5 White Male: No, 2+2=4 Feminist: Don't use MANthematics you white male piece of shit! ~ Jezebel Comments Section
This is what I've been waiting for my entire life... @dennismiller27 10 health benefits of whiskey - theluxuryspot.com/10-health-bene…
There was 3 seconds where I thought I had an 8 inch long red pubic hair until I remember I"m wearing an old falling apart red sweater today
I drank 10 cups of coffee yesterday. I also peed 10 times. I'm not sure if they are related.
If anyone missed my set at @HeliumComedy last night, you missed me talk at length about a poop I took once. Why don't I have a HBO special?
A coworker I talk to about Skyrim/Gaming just told me he never played Fallout 3 or NV. Now I've never assaulted someone at work before...
I realized you can use "cand" for short instead of saying "can and," then I realized those two words would never exist next to each other.
I just yelled "You know what, FUCK HIM!" so loud in my Philly office I think my company's HR department in California heard it.
I think @Sevendust is the Louie CK of the music industry. They put out a new album every year and it's always worth listening to #Sevendust
Hey guys, with all this controversy surrounding Brian Williams, lets not forget what's important: Allison Williams is adorable.
It's not fair there isn't a Grammy for Yo-Yo dieting...
Kickin' Ass and Takin' Blame.
I also found out my name is Robert because I'm the 6th in a line of men named after Robert E. Lee. I'm named after the wrong side of history
My legal name is Robert but my dad wanted to name me Micky or Tiberius. Those names would have sucked as a kid but been awesome as an adult.
Hey @Rickers_ I don't if you ever eat here when you're working, but this seems worth your time: groupon.com/deals/pyt-1
I just did a set in bumblefuck PA and this guy walked up to after and said "Bob & Dave are Terrible People?". I almost fell over
Someone posted a picture of me a company newsletter without having the decency to ask me if I was in witness protection...
What's the normal amount of time you're supposed to fantasize about killing someone every day? Im asking for a friend...who needs to shut up
Me: I'm actually in a good mood. Coworker: Why would someone like you be in a good mood? Me: Just stuff that made more sense 20 seconds ago.
On winter days where your feet and hands never warm up, those are the days we are all diabetics.
Listened to last night's Bob And Dave Are Terrible People via @Stitcher stitcher.com/s?eid=36871630 with @NormalSerious & Rick Mirarchi. #Retweet
I want to buy a Go Pro and strap it to my head at work, that way I can post the world's least interesting @YouTube video.
I don't have many talents, but one of them is the ability to absolutely fuck up a bag of Jordan Almonds.
My vote is the plane crash in Taiwan. youtube.com/watch?v=lYczDs… @jeremyessig What are we all going to write the same joke about today?
My ultimate goal is to lose enough weight to become "stock photo" attractive.
What's up this weekend? Anyone want to get together, commit a murder, cover it up, then debate killing each other to eliminate witnesses?
It's pretty funny, because I always thought Anderson Silva was the name of a pharmaceutical company anyway.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
Stop reading my mind @MaryRadzinski "Can't think of anything more romantic than going to see "50 Shades" on Valentine's Day."-someone shitty
Randy Quaid looks like a man with many interests, one of which is Lycanthropy.
American Sniper becomes top-grossing war movie ever. Pauly Shore signs on for 'In The Army Now II: In ISIS Now'
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
There is a guy walking 21 miles to work every day. I was proud of myself for my 2 mile round trip walk to and from work...
It's your fault for thinking you could watch football without being reminded of beaten women & children, breast cancer and infant mortality.
Guys, not to be that guy, but that M. Night Shyamalan #nationwide commercial...i knew the kid was dead the whole time. #nationwidecommercial
Our #superbowlcommercial is going to be hilarious!!! What's that? Our commercial is right after a priest molestation PSA???
Super bowl Drinking game: Dial 91, drink every time there is a commercial, dial 1,,
I'd still prefer riding with Suge Knight than most Uber drivers I've had.
Retweeted by Rob DeSantis
In Las Vegas do people Yelp review Hookers? #showerthoughts