Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Richard Lindesay
Sounds like a really niche matchmaking website
I was friends with Orlando bloom when I was a kid, until I stole his toys, and then he was legoless.
The dried meat industry was what South Africa was biltong
How to write a joke: 1 - Take a thing, 2 - Break it, 3 - Put it back together wrong
I was having trouble with procrastination this morning so I decided to put it off until tomorrow
I prefer the currant flag
Picture of me in Brussels
I wonder who has the trademark on that tm symbol. They’d be so rich.
Richard’s philosophical thought of the day: You can’t be in traffic without being traffic
I love eating sunflower seeds. Not because they're tasty, but because I really hate sunflowers.
Meatloaf sang “2 our of 3 ain’t bad”. Was 3 exercise?
My friend whose surgeon isn't very good at stitching recently spilled his guts out to me
Kina Surprise - Worst ever childrens treat
I was such a loser at school that I could only sing the Friends theme tune ironically
Heard that Alice Cooper is a Christian.  Considering going along actually, hearing him singing hymns would be AMAZING.
Yeah I kinda like the new New Zealand flags. Reckon we should use them all, on a rotation system.
So someone referred to me an a millennial today. Suppose I am, just wrong millennium.
People say happy birthday but I don't quite remember it that way. All I remember is being really squashed, then crying.
I got the Lions share of our family fortune. Unfortunately our family lion brought shares in Lehman Brothers. #jokes
I bought some of those hand cooked chips but they just tasted like charred hand. #Jokes
My estranged brother's job is cutting people's hair. He's the barber black sheep. #ThisIsWhyImPunny
They said I was crazy for wrapping my weapons in chewing gum but I'm glad I stuck to my guns #ThisIsWhyImPunny
I’m so lazy that some of my jokes don’t even have a punchline. Like this one. #Jokes
Irony would be naming an honest person Con. #Jokes
Are dairies named that because of their prices? #KiwiLingo
I poked my bum out a window once. He fell to his death. #Jokes
I spend my spare time helping the blind to see. Probably should also teach them how to swim. #Jokes
Parenting advice - Kids naughty? Say you'll get this guy to kidnap their bear.
I'm considering leaving my body to aromatherapy. Because I smell bad and do nothing. #Jokes
Apparently David Beckham is getting an acting role in Downton Abbey. The plot thickens. #Jokes
I thought Taliban was what happened when kids were naughty
I found out recently that my great grandfather drowned while doing the roadworks in Venice.
Jesus Saves - He could definitely afford a house by now.
Cotton posh luxury, 3 ply. I wonder how many ply the Queen has. Probably thick as cardboard.
My one-man slapstick show was a complete failure. Although I shouldn't beat myself up about it.
Did you know that Santa used to have a nickname? It was Nick.
Ironically, equality initiatives have opened a lot of doors for women.
I tried a hangi tonight. Well I buried some KFC.

Twitter Sign-in
We are going to send you to Twitter to authorize twiends.
Please note that we never tweet or follow people without your permission.