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Richard Lindesay

Things that only make sense in NZ: Person finishes drink "Can I have a refill?" Bartender hands him lined paper
Pointed at tattoo and said nice tattoo but it's varicose veins oops
Apparently loads of kiwis went to Western Springs last night to listen to some Australians shouting
Chinese one child policy means every kid is the favourite
Improving tonight, and by that I mean I'm doing improv, not getting better at something.
Is there even such thing as genuine Ray Bans?
If they mess up the new movie it won't ruin Star Wars. The original movies will be unharmed. All three of them.
God didn't physically write the bible, he was the ghostwriter.
All the best things are made in China. Except siblings.
Lady in Thai restaurant asked if I would like a MassiveMan curry. Insulting.
My cat has nine tails. When he walks past you it really hurts.
The main thing I've learned from old wives tales, is that old wives are liars.
Overweight guys who broke out of prison - They've let themselves go
Dropped a bottle of no tears shampoo on my toe. It hurt but I made sure I didn't cry else it would have been too ironic.
Santa can take off from the snow using sleight of hand.
Retweeted by Richard Lindesay
Fun fact: The Auckland suburb of Milford is made up entirely of attractive middle-aged women.
Watched an old 80s movie which was supposedly about IT, but most of it was just this really evil clown.
New fun office tradition "Secret Jesus". Pick someone's name out of a hat and you have to die for them. #MerryChristmas
This guy's hat implies that he's the one who cooks the chickens. Raises questions. ift.tt/1U0KoXK
Did you know that if you are a lion, and you do something naughty, then they throw you into a pit of Christians?
I never really understood what was so outrageous about Jem
Facts about Richards teen years #1 Owned three different cummerbunds
I reckon sunrise should be called earth turn. More accurate.
How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? 0. No correlation between roads travelled and gender
My favourite kinds of lists: Lists with 1 item Lists with contradictions Lists of lists
Normal person: That's gross! Me: No, that + tax is gross.
My Australian friend told me he worked in a shop that sold sheet music and I suggested they try selling good music
Xmas shopping mall photos - always with Santa, but never with Jesus. #Xmas
Having trouble figuring out the alleged alternative uses for these. Thoughts? ift.tt/1NwXVHs
I told my blind friend that they're working on a cure but he said he can't see that happening
This has set a new standard for coffee can prose ift.tt/1Ohjzy9
I enjoy the irony that too much salt in my diet makes me feel sluggish.
Retweeted by Richard Lindesay
Agent email : I hope your well... My automatic reaction: But I don't have a well.
Am connected to everyone via a small amount of relationships but can't call as phone doesn't work 2degrees of separation
Milk, my favourite thing that drips from cows.
I went to a hotel that had a pillow menu but none of them tasted any good
I wish John was called Ned then they'd be Nedward @planetjedward
I have raised awareness of gender equality by becoming the first crazy cat man
Was up late last night trying to figure out what to do with my air bed. In the end I decided to sleep on it. Let down.
Sunday morning wake up it's storming raindrops falling on my head it's pouring #ObscureRapLyrics
Trying coffee flavoured wine. Although it might just be coffee in a wine glass. ift.tt/1OYUR6Z

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