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Richard Lindesay

I thought that Never Never Land was how people with a stutter said Holland.
The hardest job I ever did was being a dentist. It was like pulling teeth.
Imagine if Jesus didn't like Christmas cake. He'd be so annoyed. "I've got to have this on my BIRTHDAY TOO?!"
If a werewolf gets a receding hairline does it just look like a normal person?
Costa logic - If people don't like something, give them more of it. #coffeefacts
Grinder surely should have been called GayPS
Great to perform in Newbury for first time at @acespacenewbury - follow me for more jokes and info of future shows
Happy Houndgrog day to all the drunk dogs out there #GroundhogDay
I wouldn’t hurt a fly. People, different story.
Remember when you were a kid and you learned that in the grown up world punching people was illegal?
Jennifer Saunders for new Dr Who! #DrWho
I will be popping down to @acespacenewbury open mic on Friday to share some new jokes. 22 of them. #Newbury
Thought I'd go old school and share pics of food, but not the actual food. @boobarsbbq Newbury.
Who is orange, American, and talks bollocks? This guy.
My business idea of the day, Über Ambulance.
I knew my career as a graffiti artist was going to be over, the writing was on the wall.
I’m going to start referring to what I do as Stage Talking because it’s up to the audience to decide if it’s comedy
Tonight I saw my first ever stabbing. Then had a lovely curry. Contrast.
Mile high fight club - Where you get together with a stranger on a plane and it gets rough
Who would win 1 Jake the Snake 2 Jake the Muss 3 Jake the Peg
Accidentally left Netflix on pause overnight and when I woke up in the morning it had stretched the Internet
First ever Roxette photo shoot #Roxette
Not sure if this remote is small or my hand is really swollen
When I was a kid my mum would put me in the high chair as a punishment whenever I took drugs
Now that's what I call having loads of coffee and cake all to myself @WorkshopCoffee
This kid at school though he was a real clever clogs until I released the termites
Lesson on how to review Amazon Prime Now products, including "bread", "milk", and "cheese". richardlindesay.com/home/even-less…
Invented a new coffee called the Richard Flat White. It’s like an ordinary flat white but with no cup.
Twitter:\ Hide Football.* Twitter:\ Hide Politics.* Twitter:\ Show Funnies.*
Is it more than a coincidence that gentle and genital sound pretty close
I always thought Magnum PI was a drug dealer because he had such a huge stache
Did America just become the baddies? #TrumpInauguration
Comedying at @KomediaBrighton on Sunday with 22.5 jokes and a clipboard. #brighton
I’d like to swear Donald Trump in as president but I don’t think he’d like the word I’d use
What’s the best icing for urinal cakes? Asking for a friend.
Imagine eating a coleslaw with coldsores
They say the camera adds 10 pounds, which makes me think that my new job as a nude model is underpaid. #careeradvice
Person - Let me through, I'm a first class passenger. Me - No clearly you are a passenger with a first class ticket.
Razor thin playing cards are hard to deal with
UK tightening immigration for Aussie entertainers, rather than waiting until they're 80 and putting them in prison. #rolf
Nothing to Say Here, Amazon reviews of things there's nothing to say about. richardlindesay.com/3/post/2017/01…
 
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