IKEA cheese, comes fully assembled. Disappointing.
Apparently the Russian team had high hopes for the Olympics. Literally #Olympics2016
No way would I do this to my toilet. #starbucks
I don't think this is Google Maps's finest hour...
Maybe we should go back to having the Queen running the country
My claim to fame - I was the one who originally set all the Pokemon free
I have a Polkamum. (She's into European folk dancing)
UPDATE! Tickets are moving very quickly with Fri & Sat close to selling out, be quick to avoid disappointment! redcardcomedyclub.com/what-s-on.html
"Gotta catch 'em all" - Slogan for the London STD Club
We've got these wonderful people doing all the funny things on stage tonight! Get tix here: bit.ly/29TorKd
On the train and overheard someone say they have rare blood but I thought they said rear blood
I actually thought it was Nigel Farage rhymes with Cabbage not Nigel Farage rhymes with mirage
My Indian nickname would be gulab jamun because I'm sweet, round, and doughy.
Just wrote a joke but I'm not telling you it
Paper scissors rock. Although metal ones are more practical.
Since Brexit, statistics have increased by 68%.
Wow ISIS really have changed their niche over the years
Considering adding a new chapter to this book that someone left in my hotel room. Suggestions?
A couple of days ago the British chose the red pill, and we are now seeing how deep the rabbit hole goes. #Bregret
In other news, Woodchucks can't chuck wood, debate over. Next debate: Which is the most inaccurately named animal?
In other news, Dire Straits have started a new furniture shop called Sofa Away From Me.
I don't need Facetune, I improve photos just by being in them.
I hear that MI5 made the storms, to prevent elderly "leave" voters from taking part. #EUref
Here's a mind map I did. Any science boffins out there who can check my work?
I hope that the results show for the EU referendum is done in Eurovision style
Today is polling day. Sounds a bit rude.
My biggest mistake in life was that time I bought some Ray Bans at full price
The biggest fundamental flaw with cats is their inability to gauge whether they really do want to go outside. #cats
Found it a bit insulting that if you cannot add 12 to 2 then they don't consider you human.
New rule from today onward - No one is allowed to do that thing where you say hashtag something at the end of sentences
New method for getting hair extensions -> wait
New rule for today: Only people with appropriately shaped heads should be allowed to go bald.
A bit of a cheek charging 26 grand for a watch with just one app - Clock
My biggest let down - air beds
My biggest hang up - laundry
Met a New Zealander who is pretending to be Australian so he can get jobs working in London bars
Look forward to comedying at @JokersIpswich
tonight, with 55 jokes and a clipboard.
I would have let Clarkson punch ME in the face to prevent this #TopGear
You know you're in Britain when you sneeze and a passing cyclist says "bless you".
I think the local geese might be on cocaine
Aerial view of the Circle Line. Inaccurately named. Should be called the Badly Drawn Rat Line.
I like porn, which is how I abbreviate peas and corn.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And tigers.
Emergency Coffee from @SandowsLondon