Announcement said that the train was standing at the platform even though it had no legs
I have Attention Deficit Disorder, but not because I can't pay attention, but because without people's attention I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!
Overindulging on sugary fruit-based puddings is as American as apple pie
“Perfect for sharing” really means “Don’t eat them all, fatty”.
My first threesome was me, myself, and I.
Having a bee in your bonnet wouldn’t really be an issue, as the noise would be drowned out by the engine.
If fat people need to go on food diets, do old people need to go on time diets?
Had a go on this PlayStation the other day but the only game involved settling parking fees. Was actually a PAYstation.
There’s a girl I know called Claire Lee who is only visible when the rain has gone
I invented glove fingers for people who accidentally bought fingerless gloves
Things Kiwis learn in the UK - Bear, beer, and bare are pronounced differently. Which is three times less efficient.
New words I’m playing with to describe me - Comedier, JokeMonger, Humourarian, DepressoBlaster, ConceptTwister.
Imagine having one of those jobs where you get to say “Step into my office”.
Me after four amazing @WaterLaneCoffee
I swear that nearly every kid in the UK is called Harvey
My supermarket has condoms in the Family Planning section. If that’s your plan to procreate then you’re using them wrong
My friend is middle aged. He’s only 15, but really unhealthy.
Thought of the day: I’ve never met a racist alien. That says something.
Maybe it’s time we all agreed that marzipan shouldn’t be put on ANYTHING
Maybe it’s time we all agreed that pyjamas are ok as work clothes
Maybe it’s time we all agreed that swearing is ok. Would be less effort than getting offended.
Just met a guy who referred to fighting as “fisting”. That’s just too funny to correct.
Valves. I have a special place in my heart for them.
My friend who has that disease that liquidises your internal organs recently poured his heart out to me
Ad on TV said “Use our toothpaste or you might find yourself spitting blood”. Is that some sort of threat?
I used to be a bounty hunter. All my victims were brown. With a chewy coconut centre.
What do goldfish have on their screen savers
I don’t judge people, I gather others around me and we jury them.
It’s Green Friday - the day I sit there jealous that everyone else is out getting bargains
HardCore mixed up a bit is CardWhore
The Welsh version of my surname is Llindesay
My friend lived a good life and faked his own death and my other friend died a good death and faked his own life
The two things that run in my family are adoption and really annoying kids
Comedying at @Backyard_Comedy
tomorrow (Thursday) at 8pm. One of my favourite clubs. backyardbar.co.uk/event/backyard…
People shorten rock and roll music to rock music. Why not roll music?
My Dad is really clever, and hairy. All brains, no Braun.
Found out that I am allergic to fish which is sad because it means an end to my Finding Nemo marathons.
Because of population growth this is the first year that Santa has outsourced the child good/bad categorisation process.
Trump takes the H and the I out of Triumph
Not all conspiracy theories are real. Some of them are made from genetically modified ingredients that are bad for you.
I used to be my own worst enemy until I met other people
Enemies = Friends + My Personality
The next four years of US politics is going to be run on bad foundation.
I often forget just how good Michael McIntyre is. Really very so good.
My niece always said she wanted to be sprinkled with fairy dust right up until the point I started cremating Tinkabell