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Richard Lindesay

At @ComedyAvengers in Taunton this evening, with 22.5 jokes and a clipboard. #Comedying
I'm a New Zealander but I'm so out of touch with New Zealand that I don't even know who the current president is
I’m addicted to 12 step support programs. There you go, I’ve admitted it.
Growing up I had a Jesus Complex - thought I was really great but not quite as good as God.
There used to be a superhero called Superfluous Man but he's not needed anymore.
I’m so good at being illiterate, I wrote the book on it.
I’m a procrastinator, because I really like crastinators.
The great kiwi comedian Ashton Brown has two shows only in Auckland for NZ Comedy Festival. Go! twitter.com/ashtonjbrown/s…
Was a pleasure performing tonight at @MooniesComedy, such a hidden gem of a comedy club. Recommended.
I reckon Boeing and Walkers should get together and make plane flavoured crisps
I was just referred to as a lad, and I've never been so insulted.
To liven up stag parties I like to bring along a knife and a frying pan and turn it them into venison parties
Doing a short spot here too, jokes, clipboard, etc... twitter.com/bearcatquiz/st…
I’ve got this new app on my phone that saves time which will be handy if I ever run out of it
I got a rock thrown at my head when I was a child, which killed off my imaginary friend.
Do you reckon Boris looks like Trump after he’s been bitten by a zombie #borisjohson
Every day can be pancake day, if you're committed. #Lent #ShroveTuesday #easter
I like to go into waiting rooms and start serving people food
I’d like to invent the 4D printer, that prints the future.
I am hosting this comedy gig on Thursday - it's KOHA entry - I hope to see you there! fb.me/1L6uNtOr8
Retweeted by Richard Lindesay
If I could go back in time and murder Hitler as a child, I would go when I was five years old as he’d never suspect that
The best way to deal with your pet hates Is to forget to nurture them And then they die
Roses are red Violets are blue It’s just a card No present for you #valentines
Attaching hair to elephants, that's a mammoth task. #ukpunday
Just heard McDonalds guy saying he hates people and hates every customer, which I guess includes me. Feeling special. @McDonaldsUK
Happy birthday Darwin Bet he's up there now Looking down on us
The only birds that tweet are the small ones AKA tweet-sized birds
I thought that Never Never Land was how people with a stutter said Holland.
The hardest job I ever did was being a dentist. It was like pulling teeth.
Imagine if Jesus didn't like Christmas cake. He'd be so annoyed. "I've got to have this on my BIRTHDAY TOO?!"
If a werewolf gets a receding hairline does it just look like a normal person?
Costa logic - If people don't like something, give them more of it. #coffeefacts
Grinder surely should have been called GayPS
Great to perform in Newbury for first time at @acespacenewbury - follow me for more jokes and info of future shows
Happy Houndgrog day to all the drunk dogs out there #GroundhogDay
I wouldn’t hurt a fly. People, different story.
Remember when you were a kid and you learned that in the grown up world punching people was illegal?
Jennifer Saunders for new Dr Who! #DrWho
I will be popping down to @acespacenewbury open mic on Friday to share some new jokes. 22 of them. #Newbury
Thought I'd go old school and share pics of food, but not the actual food. @boobarsbbq Newbury.
Who is orange, American, and talks bollocks? This guy.
 
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