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Richard Lindesay

Since Brexit, statistics have increased by 68%.
Wow ISIS really have changed their niche over the years
Considering adding a new chapter to this book that someone left in my hotel room. Suggestions?
A couple of days ago the British chose the red pill, and we are now seeing how deep the rabbit hole goes. #Bregret
In other news, Woodchucks can't chuck wood, debate over. Next debate: Which is the most inaccurately named animal?
In other news, Dire Straits have started a new furniture shop called Sofa Away From Me.
I don't need Facetune, I improve photos just by being in them.
I hear that MI5 made the storms, to prevent elderly "leave" voters from taking part. #EUref
Here's a mind map I did. Any science boffins out there who can check my work?
I hope that the results show for the EU referendum is done in Eurovision style
Today is polling day. Sounds a bit rude.
My biggest mistake in life was that time I bought some Ray Bans at full price
The biggest fundamental flaw with cats is their inability to gauge whether they really do want to go outside. #cats
Found it a bit insulting that if you cannot add 12 to 2 then they don't consider you human.
New rule from today onward - No one is allowed to do that thing where you say hashtag something at the end of sentences
New method for getting hair extensions -> wait
New rule for today: Only people with appropriately shaped heads should be allowed to go bald.
A bit of a cheek charging 26 grand for a watch with just one app - Clock
My biggest let down - air beds
My biggest hang up - laundry
Met a New Zealander who is pretending to be Australian so he can get jobs working in London bars
Look forward to comedying at @JokersIpswich tonight, with 55 jokes and a clipboard.
I would have let Clarkson punch ME in the face to prevent this #TopGear
You know you're in Britain when you sneeze and a passing cyclist says "bless you".
I think the local geese might be on cocaine
Aerial view of the Circle Line. Inaccurately named. Should be called the Badly Drawn Rat Line.
Tragedy = Comedy - Time
I like porn, which is how I abbreviate peas and corn.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And tigers.
I do appreciate that Donald Trump wants to get rid of those stupid bags of pre grated cheese in the supermarket. Make America Grate Again.
Retweeted by Richard Lindesay
Final night for Fools Suffering Gladly at Q Theatre Cellar in @NZComedyFest - few tickets left…
4 tickets left for Fools Suffering Gladly opening on Wed NZComedyFest…
Opening night Wednesday, filling quick! Book now!…
I have NO IDEA what to do with this information, milo.
On @TheFlatfm now talking about jokes and @NZComedyFest show Fools Suffering Gladly
Comedying at @QTheatre in a couple of weeks with @AshtonJBrown. Do you like racist and sexist jokes? Then don't come.
Richard's Innovative ideas #365 - Tinder for recruiting
Just literally had the "missing out on cake" moment like Milton on Office Space.
Curing diabetes? Piece of cake! (Joke I won't be doing at my @NZComedyFest show)…
Richard's new coffee lingo - Nearly Empty Black = Espresso
Richard's new coffee lingo - Flat White with no Screech = DO THE MILK PROPERLY
Richard's new coffee lingo - Savoury Flat White = Flat White, no sugar
I am going to get on the left side of the escalators at Holborn and sit
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