Why does the sun rise in the morning? Why do magnets stick together? Because everybody says so.
yeahhhhhh I remember my first krabby patty!
1. the sky
when u see a dog across the street and it's crossing and walking towards u
Michael: Did I ever tell you about the day Steve Martin died?
Pam: Steve Martin isn't dead.
Ok, who thought it would be hysterical to give Toby a rock for his going away present?
the SECOND most important rule for the artist at sea: always bring a pencil sharpener.
Angela: You fell into a Koi pond?
Michael: Maybe I was trying to save a child.
Angela: So a child had fallen in?
Michael: Not yet.
"ur gonna hate yourself in the morning if u stay up late" jokes on u im gonna hate myself in the morning no matter what
Psa: Wear your seatbelts. I walked away from a bad accident unscathed because I was wearing mine!!! They make a difference, don't be dumb.
If the Lizzie McGuire movie were a thriller
Strawberry Bouquets 🍓🍓�M4rX
You can't please everybody.
New York Nights 🌃L
me at my teacher's desk after my teacher says they won't round my 59% to an A
Michael: I'm starting my own paper company.
Jim: You know the industry is in decline right?
Michael: Yeah. I practically invented decline.
barnacles. I HATE the pill.
good morning to everyone except my bitch of an ex-wife
If you see me on the news it'll be for killing a 53 year old asshole delivery driver at my job
me: i hate christmas music
him: i love Christmas music
look at its rolls
I could prob sleep for a month straight
THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😭�A6
You're the worst. I hate looking at your face. I wanna smash it.
now that I think of it, she IS very graceful and majestic!...perhaps I should name her Grace or Majesty....or Debbie
I'll give you a hint. His last name is Christ. He has the power of flight. He can heal leopards.
i want to start a new genre of pornography called Edgar Allan Poe-nography, and the idea is basically nevermind that's fucking stupid
"Forget love I want to fall in beer"
your bones are made up of the same dust as the planets
-What gives you the strength to get through every day?
-The Office, Rick and Morty, Bob's Burgers, and SpongeBob.
"You're my family and I love you, but you're terrible. You're all terrible."
this is PRETTY good.......only one thing.............you forGOT THE PICKLES!!!!
...............you're gonna interrogate my blender?
Mmm. Sort of an oaky afterbirth.
Michael: What kind of ice cream do you want?
Michael: Racism is dead Stanley. You can have whatever flavor you want.
I call this one: Bold and Brash!
more like: "Belongs in the Trash" HAHAHAHAH!!
sorry. I must've missed that one.
♫ PLASTICCCCCCCC ♫
I saw something I didn't like on the Internet
I didn't freak out
I moved on with my life
I wonder why no one ever thought of that before.
me: i have no friends :(
Productivity is important. But how can I be productive if I have one little thing in my brain? And that one little thing is a soft pretzel.
Evolution isn't real?? What's this then