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The next time your smartphone crashes, just remember that somewhere out there, a 20 year old pinball machine is still going hard.
It’s not often you see people in space wearing flannel.
I call up guys named Trent. I get them in touch with the right people. I set them up for life.
Some might even call me a, “trent setter.”
Elon Musk should have his own cologne by now.
Spitvalve should be a superhero.
Or a villain.
I’m not sure what he would do, but it probably wouldn’t be that appealing.
The only flavor of doughnut I would consider being is Maple; but not an overly sweet Maple, just…just the slightest hint.
Is there anyone named Danithan?
There should be Danithans.
I have solved all racism in the world for the next ten minutes.
Why isn’t there a country called, “Banana?”
That sounds like a strong, fun country. I would live there.
If Head & Shoulders makes a body wash, they should call it, “Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes.”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as "Dad" and he just stood there calling it over and over
When you think about it, a human is just like a big burrito.
I wonder how often State Farm agents get teleported during sex?
If the Sorting Hat sorted me, I’d either end up at the DMV or Fat Camp.
Whatever happened to being dapper and why did it get replaced with wearing hoodies?
You know your dining room is too big when you have a man on horseback passing you the salt.
Professor Alan Doubtfire "Genie" Brainard
Note to self: Make Titanic 3. Call it, “Tritanic.”
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
People don’t describe other people as, “saucy,” nearly as much as they should.
In the elevator to heaven, Salt-N-Pepa perform "Push It", cheering you on as you the hit button. Spinderella cuts it up one more time.
HOW LONG DOES A MAN HAVE TO WAIT FOR A NEW FERGIE ALBUM
I hope I never come to that point where I have to cross a weathered rickety rope bridge in between two mountains.
Every apple is the best or the worst apple you’ve ever had.
Every time I hear the word, “bedspread,” I think of an economy sized jar of mattress butter.
I like to imagine Megaman is at a promotional event right now; shooting t-shirts into the audience.
I feel a Persnickety bar would be a far more satisfying treat than a Snickers; both in flavor, and overall presentation.
It’s damn near 2015 and the board game business is still going strong.
You can color me impressed, board games.
I wish I was a messenger for a secret organization.I just show up, give you a new identity, a gun, a flash drive, and you never see me again
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
This winter, I’m going to buy a heavy velvet cape.
I will be both fashionable and toasty.
It’s weird to know that no kids from this point forward will grow up with a phone in the kitchen; the one with the extra long cord.
I bet Mark Ruffalo loves frisbee.
He looks like a man who gets a lot of enjoyment out of throwing a frisbee.
RITA HAS ESCAPED
LET'S GO GET LIT AND JUMP OFF MY ROOF
MORE LIKE OCCUPY MYBALLS STREET
Fun fact: J. Edgar Hoover built the Hoover Dam.
give a man a guitar and he’ll play for a day, teach a man guitar and today is gonna be the day that they’re gonna throw it back to you
If someone wrote a power ballad about you, what would it be called?
Why do we make cookies? We take cookie dough, nectar of the gods, and tarnish it by putting it in the oven.
You’d think there’d be a female R&B singer named Patty Melt.
CLASSIC GHOSTBUSTERS THEME HITS
SLAM TO TITLE:
JENNY SLATE: "Yo...that looks TERRIBLE."
There's a pregnant pause.
TJ Miller, Kumail Nanjiani, Patton Oswalt, and Jenny Slate, all in old, hand me down versions of the jumpsuits watch as the trailer ends.
slow zoom out from a laptop reading "New The Ghostbusters Trailer! (reboot 2016)"!...we're in a messy firehouse room, filled with equipment.
DUBSTEP GHOSTBUSTER THEME LOUDER, LOUDER, LOUDER: SLAM TO TITLE:
Chris Pine: "NEVER CROSS THE STREAMS!"
Megan Fox winks and the BIG GRAY GHOST TURNS TO ATTACK THEM, revealing many HIDDEN BLADES