Sometimes I worry that pizza isn't a real sport
How is everyone shaving on #TheWalkingDead
Especially the Asian guy.
He’s always so smooth.
Like a baby.
A lemonade energy drink called Eliminade.
What if Willy Wonka ascended to the 4th dimension and became The Everlasting God Stopper?
Fool me twice. Once on shame. Fool me again and twice at once.
Someone spoiled Titanic for me. WHAT KIND OF A MOVIE DOESN'T END WITH BILLY ZANE KILLING AN ICEBERG?
would you guys still be my friend if i started writing a series about werefedoras
you know, like werewolves but you slowly become a fedora
I wouldn't consider myself "fancy," but I know I'm far above buying a package of t-shirts.
Time traveling shampoo.
ALL I HAVE IS MY HONOR
MY HONOR AND MY ROLLER BLADES
I have three words that will change your life.
What I look for in a partner:
I feel like somewhere deep inside of me, I have an alter ego who loves to surf.
PUT DOWN THE YO-YO AND BACK AWAY FROM THE GIRL #Brooklyn99
You can always single the cool cops out because they wear their badges like necklaces.
Do you think Jeff Daniels drinks Jack Daniels? Slightly smirking every time.
Don't let society dictate what you can & cannot do. If you're feeling lonely, there's no law saying you can't hug a mannequin.
all dick all the time
Somewhere in the ocean there's a clam sobbing and trying to figure out a way to drown himself. His shell flaps. That's the one I'm happy as.
A Kazaam reboot starring Lil Wayne. Hollywood, get on that.
If your government isn't working correctly, trying logging out, clearing cache, then logging back in.
I just gave a 9 day old baby some Pepsi and it won’t stop coughing. I can’t be stopped, you don’t have the resources anymore
"Sometimes you just need to know when to let go", I whisper as I peel your fingers off the balcony rail.
Straight JACKIN it in the middle of the street. Just threw a donkey at a cop. I am 40' tall and not on cocaine.
nationwide burning man starts now
I think @BarackObama
better call Saul. #HappyShutdown
i'm swinging naked from a chandelier and i'm cumming everywhere, cuz who gon stop me? this a federal offense
gender doesn't exist with no federal govt to enforce it. go ahead and kiss that bro u been thinkin about
i'm in front of the federal court house right now BBQing. they can't do shit to me. grillin up some premium meats, fuck wit the boy
I wonder how many dentists have secret necklaces made from the teeth they pull. I wonder if they wear them on vacation, like puka shells.
Who’s up for some Purging? #HappyShutdown
I want to see Independence Day 2 JUST to see Jeff Goldblum blow up a ship with an iPad.
Bringing your own cape to Supercuts lets them know you're about to take the next 12 minutes very seriously.
I'm like 75% sure that Lil Wayne is a corpse.
Dexter only kills people who deserve it so now he's after the people who wrote the final season.
I wonder if I could jump higher if my knees bent the other way.
If you can't laugh at yourself, I'll be glad to do it for you.
"Don't make that face or it'll stay that way", my grandma said. That was the first day I started making my handsome face and I never stopped
I can't become fully aroused unless someone is reading the imdb Terminator trivia facts aloud and the soundtrack from Drive is playing
The word “batman” is used to refer to someone’s personal servant - So, Alfred Pennyworth is actually Batman’s batman.
*applies laughter right on top of my insecurities* yea that's the stuff, much better
I've Tweeted 11,000 times in the last two years, and now I really wish it was push-ups instead.
Come watch us have fun. twitch.tv/wiskeydorf
Look, if Aquaman, Internet Explorer, and Jehovah's Witnesses can get out there every day and try, you have no excuse.
Don't forget to lose all faith and trust in an entire gender based on the actions of a lone individual that hurt or betrayed you today!
The year is 2045. No one has spoken a word in years. We communicate through our thumbs and use stars as currency. The president is a cat.
I don’t think I’ve ever thought about my own nostrils until this very moment. Like, really pondered them.
Come join me for scary games. twitch.tv/wiskeydorf
i love it when netflix asks if im still watching because at least somebody cares if im still alive