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I have zesty Italian dressing all over my keyboard and I’m just dealing with it.
My annual selfie.
Jeepers Creepers 3 is in development, and I’m really disappointed it’s not called Jeepers Threepers.
I just thought by now I would be found languishing in an opium den, making shadow puppets & nattering with my imaginary pet aardvark.
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Hard to believe that Abe Vigoda had been alive all this time. #RIPFish
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You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it, pull it down, raise tides, and drown nations. Do you want that, Mary?
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A bowl of tomato soup really hits the spot once every 7 1/2 years. 6 1/2 if you're super into tomato soup.
Is every bartender in film & TV a psychic? “I’ll have a beer.”/“Coming right up!” Even though there’s a few dozen options behind the counter
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Ironically, The Crow franchise is having a hard time coming back to life. #RebootRadar #ThereWeSaidIt
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@pseudomorrow Garlic and gas makes a cool breeze up a camel's ass.
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d&d got pushed back to Monday again so I'm gonna go start trouble at the liquor store
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"If your dead mom shows up talking in slow motion, you're gonna have a bad time".- @pseudomorrow
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Don't let people hug you. It only makes them stronger.
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Guys, please don't judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.
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3 million people died during the testing of Dragonballs A through Y before they got it right.
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If Trump makes president it won't even be a year before he pisses off Kim Jong-un, then you know it's WWIII. And our only savior? Kanye West
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"It is with deep sadness we inform you that Wes Craven passed away at 1PM on Sunday, August 30 after battling brain cancer." #RIP
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A good way to make new friends at work is to perch on top of the coffee machine like a gargoyle and demand that people answer your riddles
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Wait. Thor puts Mjolnir on top of Loki in Thor 1 so he can't get up. Can't he do that for literally every villain??
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The Undertaker is like Jared Leto's personal Dorian Gray portrait
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Dear @JamesGunn , please pull some strings and get @MatthewLillard the part as Adam Warlock in @Avengers #InfinityWar @Marvel XOXO
Biden Said To Be Considering Sons of Anarchy Marathon
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Play Mambo No. 5 at my funeral even if you have to fight my family
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I’ve never seen Carlito’s Way, but I like to TELL people that I’ve seen it.
If I had telekinesis,I would go around moving everyones elaborate domino setups just far enough to the point where theywouldnt hit eachother
Me: I don't like this TV show Netflix: It has 43 seasons & it's FREE! Me:[spends 17yrs watching every episode in a row] still don't like it.
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Next generation Monopoly pieces: -Croc -Fedora -Prius -iPhone -Starbucks cup -A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area
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im going to be the first pro-wrestler who is also a ventriloquist. and the dummie will insult my opponent as i pin him.
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A Skatebook: transportation and literature in one convenient package. Get street smarts with book smarts. Please fund my Kickstarter.
The next time your smartphone crashes, just remember that somewhere out there, a 20 year old pinball machine is still going hard.
It’s not often you see people in space wearing flannel.
I call up guys named Trent. I get them in touch with the right people. I set them up for life. Some might even call me a, “trent setter.”
Elon Musk should have his own cologne by now.
Spitvalve should be a superhero. Or a villain. I’m not sure what he would do, but it probably wouldn’t be that appealing.
The only flavor of doughnut I would consider being is Maple; but not an overly sweet Maple, just…just the slightest hint.
Is there anyone named Danithan? There should be Danithans.
I have solved all racism in the world for the next ten minutes. Enjoy.
Why isn’t there a country called, “Banana?” That sounds like a strong, fun country. I would live there.
If Head & Shoulders makes a body wash, they should call it, “Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes.”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as "Dad" and he just stood there calling it over and over
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When you think about it, a human is just like a big burrito.
I wonder how often State Farm agents get teleported during sex?
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If the Sorting Hat sorted me, I’d either end up at the DMV or Fat Camp.
Whatever happened to being dapper and why did it get replaced with wearing hoodies?
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