I have zesty Italian dressing all over my keyboard and I’m just dealing with it.
My annual selfie.
Jeepers Creepers 3 is in development, and I’m really disappointed it’s not called Jeepers Threepers.
I just thought by now I would be found languishing in an opium den, making shadow puppets & nattering with my imaginary pet aardvark.
Hard to believe that Abe Vigoda had been alive all this time. #RIPFish
You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it, pull it down, raise tides, and drown nations. Do you want that, Mary?
A bowl of tomato soup really hits the spot once every 7 1/2 years. 6 1/2 if you're super into tomato soup.
Is every bartender in film & TV a psychic? “I’ll have a beer.”/“Coming right up!” Even though there’s a few dozen options behind the counter
Ironically, The Crow franchise is having a hard time coming back to life.
Garlic and gas makes a cool breeze up a camel's ass.
d&d got pushed back to Monday again so I'm gonna go start trouble at the liquor store
"If your dead mom shows up talking in slow motion, you're gonna have a bad time".- @pseudomorrow
Don't let people hug you. It only makes them stronger.
Guys, please don't judge someone based on stuff they wrote themselves in a public forum meant to reach the widest possible audience.
3 million people died during the testing of Dragonballs A through Y before they got it right.
If Trump makes president it won't even be a year before he pisses off Kim Jong-un, then you know it's WWIII. And our only savior? Kanye West
"It is with deep sadness we inform you that Wes Craven passed away at 1PM on Sunday, August 30 after battling brain cancer." #RIP
We're gonna let you finish, but…
A good way to make new friends at work is to perch on top of the coffee machine like a gargoyle and demand that people answer your riddles
Wait. Thor puts Mjolnir on top of Loki in Thor 1 so he can't get up. Can't he do that for literally every villain??
The Undertaker is like Jared Leto's personal Dorian Gray portrait
, please pull some strings and get @MatthewLillard
the part as Adam Warlock in @Avengers #InfinityWar @Marvel
Biden Said To Be Considering Sons of Anarchy Marathon
Play Mambo No. 5 at my funeral even if you have to fight my family
I’ve never seen Carlito’s Way, but I like to TELL people that I’ve seen it.
If I had telekinesis,I would go around moving everyones elaborate domino setups just far enough to the point where theywouldnt hit eachother
Me: I don't like this TV show
Netflix: It has 43 seasons & it's FREE!
Me:[spends 17yrs watching every episode in a row] still don't like it.
Next generation Monopoly pieces:
-A thimble because we've made very little progress in that area
im going to be the first pro-wrestler who is also a ventriloquist. and the dummie will insult my opponent as i pin him.
A Skatebook: transportation and literature in one convenient package. Get street smarts with book smarts. Please fund my Kickstarter.
The next time your smartphone crashes, just remember that somewhere out there, a 20 year old pinball machine is still going hard.
It’s not often you see people in space wearing flannel.
I call up guys named Trent. I get them in touch with the right people. I set them up for life.
Some might even call me a, “trent setter.”
Elon Musk should have his own cologne by now.
Spitvalve should be a superhero.
Or a villain.
I’m not sure what he would do, but it probably wouldn’t be that appealing.
The only flavor of doughnut I would consider being is Maple; but not an overly sweet Maple, just…just the slightest hint.
Is there anyone named Danithan?
There should be Danithans.
I have solved all racism in the world for the next ten minutes.
Why isn’t there a country called, “Banana?”
That sounds like a strong, fun country. I would live there.
If Head & Shoulders makes a body wash, they should call it, “Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes.”
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as "Dad" and he just stood there calling it over and over
When you think about it, a human is just like a big burrito.
I wonder how often State Farm agents get teleported during sex?
If the Sorting Hat sorted me, I’d either end up at the DMV or Fat Camp.
Whatever happened to being dapper and why did it get replaced with wearing hoodies?