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payton crimm
When they don't appreciate yo compliment you gotta snatch the soul out of it right back
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LEO: YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BUY EVERYTHING U SEE, ITS UR WORST HABIT. U DONT NEED HALF DA THINGS U BUY. CONTROL UR SPENDING URGES HOE
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Some women sag without a bra. Some don't. Absolutely nothing wrong with either one. Take a fucking anatomy class and learn before you speak
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My wife Linda found me in a Wendy's bathroom Laying in e-cig cartridges overdosed on Vape juice and I knew I had to get my life together.
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An old {drunk} lady walked into the elevator w/her husband n said to me "Oh my God, What are you???" I knew at that moment I was an alien.
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"Bunz out. Weiner. But I gotta keep my eye for Selener." - @NICKIMINAJ (that is a direct quote)
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I wish bae was here to rub my head
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[at the mall] "Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?" "Of course." [leans in to mic] "Goodbye you little shit."
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Toby has been cruisin for a bruisin for 12 years and I am now his cruise director and my name is Captain Bruisin.
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WIFE: Where are the groceries? ME: Bacon was on sale.  WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean? *sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
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when I say "netflix and chill" I mean "netflix and chill" stop trying to kiss me, watch this 9/11 conspiracy theory documentary or leave
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some people never change and some change too much
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All of the candidates here are making snarky one-liners. I don't want a bad comedian to be my president.
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Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
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I wonder if king-sized sheets are called presidential-sized in England? I really should have a Tweeter account.
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you'd be surprised who doesn't speak to you but speaks of you
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Now I have to go online and look at turtles or I'm gonna be off the entire day.
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(414): I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
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But actually... Why didn't my date and I wear this to prom?! Whoever these two are, they're legends. #pokemonpun
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MY DOG THREW UP WHILE I WAS TAKING A SELFIE
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alicia keys- no one
how i picture i'll look with a pony tail vs how i really look
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MAN HAVE U EVER MET SOMEONE SO FUCKING GOOD LOOKING THAT U CAN JUST STARE AT THEM AND ADMIRE THEM LIKE WOW U R WOW U GIVE ME HEART EYES
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My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can't get out of the bathtub.
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WILL SMITH DRAKE AND KANYE WEST LAUGHING AT MEEK MILL MEMES HOW DO YOU FEEL @MeekMill
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i actually have to stop myself from adding haha or lol to every single text i send its a problem
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If you don't give me some of your drugs, I'm afraid I'll have to inform the police.
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Why does this look like new Kylie kidnapping old Kylie
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BUTTLICKER, OUR PRICES HAVE NEVER BEEN LOWER!!!
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What overthinking looks like in person...
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sometimes love don't feel like it should
You just do it for yourself you the fucking coldest
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do you ever have so much hate towards someone where you feel like it's unsafe to be around them anymore?😊😊😊
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*Fifth Harmony voice* give it to me I’m worthless
Retweeted by payton crimm




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