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Paula Poundstone
comedianauthor 94,298 followers
I'm eating a 3 MUSKETEERS bar big enough to share with each of you.
Thank you, Portland, Maine, the guy who gave me directions, the shamanistic something, and the flannel man. I really love you.
Congratulations #MalalaYousafzai love, an admirer.
Nothing can keep me from telling my little jokes at One Longfellow Square in Portland in my beloved Maine.
Please tell Linda Ronstadt I'm looking for her. So far, I've only searched the lobby of my hotel, but I'm planning on expanding the scope.
There are practical nurses. I received care from an impractical nurse. She had me put on a sequin gown, and recommended healing cruises.
On Sat.October 25, Give me Moore, Moore, Moore! Seattle, WA Moore Theatre…
On Fri.October 24, the genie's out of the bottle in Portland, OR at the Aladdin Theatre. I've got a lot of wishes.…
Emory U. Study shows the bigger the engagement ring diamond the greater the rate of divorce. I have no ring. I'll always be together.
With crowds like this, it's no wonder the Asheville, NC airport is expanding
I don't know how to find my Twitter drafts anymore. Anybody know?
An odd detail provided at a burger joint in the Atlanta Airport.
I have such great plans. I don't know why everyone keeps fucking them up.
I enjoy Sade, but I'm sure she only sings one song.
It has been a difficult few days, but I noticed, in a cabinet today, I have a lot of index cards. I've got that going for me.
I hope, someday, to go after a laptop computer, with a chain saw, in front of my son, who would have to be restrained.
To the people at The Chase Auditorium, in Chicago, last night, I just want to say, Belle, Theo, and Luigi. What was I thinking.
The Monterey airport has instructions posted on the wall for filling your water bottle, and yet the people here seem bright.
Usually the performers here have more coats.
I'm about to tell 'email in Monterey, Jack.
Maybe we should stop these baseball games.
#MeanGirlsAppreciationDay Gretchen Weiners didn't work to her potential.
"So, Geena," I said, "Let's try to get a pat down from the Chicago TSA, even though it's our destination." Nothing. #sogeena
"So, Geena," I said, "Let's form a gang, but have office holders, and minutes, and stuff." Nothing #sogeena
"So, Geena," I said, "What's erotic about having sex with Brad Pitt on a dresser top? That'd hurt your back, no matter how handsome he is."
"So, Geena," I said, "Wolf Blitzrer says 'uhh,' more than I could have in my 2nd grade oral report, without losing points, huh?" Nothing.
"So, Geena," I said, "I wish I'd invested in kale when it was cheap. Huh?" Nothing. #sogeena
"So, Geena," I said, "Victoria's Secret. No real secrets there, right?" Nothing.
"So, Geena," I said, "Betty Davis' eye brows in NOW, VOYAGER. Too much, right?" Nothing. #sogeena
I had an off brand Barbie-type doll, named Tammy, who was a bit thick, and did not bend, and I think it affected me.
I tried, in my way, to get through to Geena Davis, but she ignored me.
I wonder if Geena Davis is lying awake, right now, wishing she had talked to me while she sat beside me on the airplane. Too late.
On Fri. Oct. 3, I'll be telling peninsula jokes in Monterey, CA at The Golden State Theatre…
I say beside Geena Davis on the plane today. She tried to shoot a bag of nuts off my head with a bow and arrow.
I am a news sponge, in Chicago.
CNN website carries "'SNL' Pokes Fun At CNN Anchor" story exclusively. They have the manpower to cover it because Balloon Boy came down,
Sat. October 18, marks my triumphant return to The Patchogue Theatre in Patchogue, NY…
My son is of the sad and incorrect belief that the game is "Teenage Son, May I," instead of "Mother, May I." It is not.
I'll be at The Palace of Fine Arts in SF on Dec. 19th. I hope you can make it.
Something to stand up and chair about at The Orleans in Las Vegas
I'm wrong a lot, but I'm so graceful about it. That's what's really good about me.
I'd gladly give that postman all of my political mailers. "Ginny Wilcox Is Big On Education." Well, that sets her apart.
Oh, ya, the song was "Do you know the way to San Jose?" I put Monterey. That gives you a hint how lost I get.
On Fri. Oct. 3, if I can find th way to Monterey, CA, I'll be at The Golden State Theatre…
BBC says "Postman hoarded 1 ton of mail." Half a ton was Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupons.