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Paula Poundstone
comedianauthor 93,266 followers
BBC says "brain still active during sleep." Then explain drool.
#FantasyFootball My football fantasy is that the season is over.
I've only just begun to play the Carpenter Performing Arts Center in Long Beach, CA, Sat. Oct.4 carpenterarts.org/2014-2015/paul…
Sometimes, at night, after my son has gone to bed, I go into my room, and finish all of my sentences.
My son says, "I know!" so often, I feel like an idiot for sending him to school.
Visitor’s barbecue from Joe’s Kansas City gets confiscated at KCI kansascity.com/living/liv-col… Update: Barbecue was questioned and released.
Tuesday keeps flipping the lights on and off, and bumping my pencil.
"@BunBoyEats Lady Liberty kind of looks like @paulapoundstone pic.twitter.com/vKTuy9iYEv" My skin is more supple.
On September 19, I'm gw'an to the Midland Theatre Kansas City, MO midlandkc.com/events/detail/… I hope you're gw'an.
This Fri. I'll b going on and on at Infinity Hall in Hartford, CT, and Sat. I'll be at Infinity Hall in Norfolk, CT. paulapoundstone.com
I read THE 8 HABITS OF SUCCESSFUL PEOPLE. Cats weren't even mentioned.
If an Appleby's opens they'll cancel school.
Yesterday there were lines around the block, again, at the new Dunkin' Donuts in Santa Monica. We're a proud city.
I'm at the vet. It's my hips.
...with Julie Andrews?
Is it a bad sign that all I really want to do is watch BOARDWALK EMPIRE?
I'm on my way to Chico, man.
"Mostly tries hard." Pass It On
"Knows how to spell many state capitols." Pass It On.
"Admits grammatical errors." Pass It On
I've always wanted to be on 1 of those inspirational "Pass It On" posters, but I don't know what for.
If I cared for someone in a coma they'd express more gratitude than I get from my son, and the conversation would be better.
I enjoy Dunkin Donuts, but I cannot support their world domination.
There has been a line down the block for 2 days, at the new Dunkin Donuts in Santa Monica. Someone should open the door.
"@Brennen_Byrne When my idol @paulapoundstone dies I’ll cry for weeks." She would have wanted it that way.
I'm self employed, which means I have to bring everything to the office party.
#NYFW Because it's fashion week, I'll tell you that I'm wearing REI khaki pants, with the lower part of the legs zipped off, and sandals.
On Fri.September 19, I'll be in Kansas City, MO at The Midland Theatre. Let me see if I can explain where it is... midlandkc.com/events/detail/…
Thousands of workers are standing up today for fair wages. RT if you think it's time to give Americans a raise. #StrikeFastFood
Retweeted by Paula Poundstone
I think they explain sex to kids in school, now, once a year, starting in the fifth grade, because many of them don't believe it.
On Sept. 12, I'm at Infinity Hall in Hartford, CT and Sept 13, I'm at Infinity Hall in Norfolk, CT, and not beyond.
I spent much of today watching my cats play with an electronic toy, and there are many days when, I'm sure, they would say the same.
Apple could send someone to everyone's house to eat them up, and we'd all still buy their stuff.
Those of us who do not fight over reclining seats should get an upgrade.
BBC says the brain can be trained to crave healthy foods. Sounds like another sinister plan by the kale cartel.
It can't be true, but it is. On October 3, I'll be at The Golden State Theatre in Monterey, CA goldenstatetheatre.showare.com/eventperforman…
There is more hope in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond than in any church in the world. "If I just had this drawer organizer..."
I've been nude, but photos of it never seem to leak.
The delightful image in my head of Jennifer Lawrence's dance from AMERICAN HUSTLE cannot be supplanted by any other.
This Friday I'll be at Chico State Sans The Man csuchico.edu/upe/performanc…
I'm driving my daughter to college tomorrow, which means hours of explaining why I would pull the financial plug, if she got a tattoo.
It was a magical night. My footman just turned back into a rat.
"@mdnew @adamfelber @petersagal @waitwait @adamfelber @petersagal you mean they still make episodes of @waitwait ?" Yes. Do I win the point?
Tanglewood with @adamfelber Roy Blunt Jr., @petersagal & @waitwait was crazy fun tonight.
Sept.6 I'll be at College of The Canyons,in Santa Clarita a college that formed naturally, with wind and sand, over time. 20% off to staff
CNN says a panda may have faked pregnancy to get more buns, and bamboo. If it's that clever, how do they know for sure it's a panda?
On Sat. September 6, I'l be telling my little jokes, jokes, jokes at College of the Canyons at The Santa Clarita PAC in Santa Clarita, CA
Turns out, I've been being watched over by an angle.