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Nick Offerman looks like the Fancy Feast cat
Someone nominate me for this ice bucket shit
Within 24 hours of getting dumped I made out with a professional model. Going on a date tonight because i'm an alpha male ,.!.. ..!., SMD
Im a bitter angry drunk because i'm chock full of scientology thetan souls and all of them have erections that have lasted more than 6 hours
when your ex tries to make you jealous with someone who's ugly af
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I plan on redefining being a motherfucker
Straight up cuddled that ho
I bike like an asshole Fuck you
Ask any indie kid what genre his band plays and he will tell you he doesn't like to use genres. Because he knows he's str8 Mumford and Sons
Once again hungover as fuck in the office hiding hickeys from my coworkers. I am single once more.
Dang girl where did you get this tray with all these neat miniature sandwiches.
I wanna shove the geico gecko up my butt and twist it all around while I fuck u
Ill dunk my sack in your las ice bucket
I flip off your god every fucking day to let him know whose dick is getting sucked in the end of this shit show
I was kinda sick of these poser bourgeois indie kids calling themselves punk but honestly hippy fuckers already hijacked the scene long ago
I used to think all I liked was good girls. But all I do is piss them off.
Ok it's official. My last relationship is straight up Robin Williams. Guess my soul mate is still out there. Yes, I believe in soulmates.
I would like to be a better person
Ready to go off the deep end
Im going to get a big bottle of whiskey and im going to annihilate it. Im going to get drunk alone in my apartment and then im going to...
Im a muh muh muh muh motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker
Welcome to politics where everyones personal inadequacies are amplified into policies of domination on the ignorant self obsessed masses
Welcome to earth where it's constantly getting worse until we wipe ourselves off the earth like a shit stain joke on the asscrack of reality
Eat ass. Eat a bunch of pills. Finish my painting and die. Die die die Take me behind a shed and shovel my skull in until it stops working
Yall motherfuckers think its all runtimes, eating ass, and hotdogs for ole @CreapyBeets Geuss what? It's not.
I have a crick in my neck from staring at my feet as I wait two days while my gf decides whether or not to dump my ass for being immature
That girl hated my band and wanted me to quit it. But they are still here she isn't.
Relationships for me are like street chinese food. It's satisfying at first until you're sick to your stomach and you want to be euthanized
Relationships for me are like the US soccer team in the world cup It feels good and inspiring but everyone knows your going down eventually
I hope I get a raise so I can spend all my excess cash on hookers and not have to worry about getting my heart ripped through my stomach
I wish another car would run over me and finish me off.
It's monday and I feel bad
Im a cancer and my existence is a farce
I really feel fucking bad I hate myself fuck thw world and fuck everything
Extremely not liking myself and feeling bad
Very sad. Might be getting dumped. Probably getting dumped.
Told her to pick up a box of magnums
Im butt naked in my apartment listening to metal and getting drunk just had tattoo work done homie whatsup
Fuck all u kids and ur swag
Call me DJ Biscuits cause my tracks are made from scratch
I met a guy who acted like childish gambino, acted like childish gambino, and had a childish gambino shirt on Told him to fuck off
Roll up into the club. Find ur girl. Poop on her. #mrpoopurgirl
I got my pug this chew toy and then they told me at the register that it's a bull penis. She really loves it. She loves that bull penis.
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I wonder if after you get tortured in hell for a few eons you start to like it and just have a huge throbbing boner the whole time.
This deathmetal band sure is screaming "I will rise" a lot. If you're so good at "rising" why dont you go ahead and "rise" already.
Everybody in the office thinks that its a pizza party because I order myself a stuffed crust pizza? No, bitches. This is my pizza.
It's nice having a classy girlfriend and all but im getting real fucking tired that she won't see Ninja Turtles or Godzilla w/ me.
The multinational corporate military industrial complex is pleased with your subservience. Please, enjoy this trippy silly cat tank top.