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Old Spice
If kung fu movies have taught us anything it's that, with strict discipline and training, you can grow really long eyebrow hair.
2013 reported only 17 roundhouse kicks in movies. 1987 reported nearly 2,335. What does that say about contemporary cinema?
The robot-overlord revolt of 2055: Cons—enslaved Pros—free Wi-Fi
Burrito is survived by his friends chips and salsa. #lunch
The easiest way to become bilingual is to grow up speaking two languages.
If you adjust for inflation, a touchdown is only worth 4 points.
If 10,000 hours of practice makes someone an expert, my taquito PhD should be arriving any day now.
Duct tape is great at fixing problems, but so is a backpack full of non-sequential hundred dollar bills.
A banana split is the salad of ice cream foods.
Being “torn” between burritos or pizza is an awful death to endure.
Do you like @drewbrees? Wow! We have so much in common. We should hang out sometime. But watch this first. spr.ly/4thTDBrees #4thandTD
One man’s junk food is another man’s treasure taco.
Fun test! Count how many grains of sand are in this new Old Spice commercial. amp.twimg.com/v/ea8f1814-79c…
After a harsh winter, the 12" North American sub returns upstream.
Ask yourself: Have I kicked enough doors off their hinges this year? #goals
This commercial features an impressive 3-1 lady-to-humanoid ratio. amp.twimg.com/v/375b5189-b39…
Which came first, the chicken salad or the egg salad?
Quick, what is the correct setting on the chainsaw to beat egg whites?
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket. Especially dinosaur eggs because, man, those things are probably worth a fortune.
Which gaming console do you own? Great! Respond to this and nothing will happen, probably.
FA = float(input("Female Attractiveness")) if FA > 50: print("Hey baby.") else(Eyes Redirect) amp.twimg.com/v/b00bd239-237…
Red sky at night, sailor’s delight. Red sky in morning, it’s probably those red curtains you had installed in the yacht.
Selling your soul can be a real headache. Work with a financial advisor to find the evil overlord that fits YOUR needs.
If these walls could talk, I would be looking for a different room to nap in.
PRO TIP: Buy a car (ACTUALLY MORE OF A #LIFEHACK I GUESS)
J3t5k1, hot d0g h0t d0g, c00l guy busin3ss, tran$ac7ion c*mpl3T3 Sl4m d#nK J@M. Y3Ahhhh!!!!!... amp.twimg.com/v/95e31c73-0f6…
Cool shirt. Not you, sorry. That guy behind you.
How many wagons could a chuckwagon chuck if a chuckwagon could chuck wagons?
ALS is a serious disease requiring serious research achieved through seriously freezing water buckets. #strikeoutals amp.twimg.com/v/451f3d03-713…
When you’re buying new wheels for your bicycle, always, ALWAYS go for the round ones.
This new #Madden15 is so real you can feel your father's disappointment when you lose a game.
Each moment is a gift. And each moment is stressful. That’s why they call it the present tense.
If you’re going to buy a sports car, make sure it’s for a sport that you are good at.
How much new information do you think is made every day?
What if this whole anti-online-piracy movement was just a move by real pirates to distract from piracy on the ocean? #thoughts
#Sharkweek is great, but don’t forget about these equally terrifying celebrations: Aug. 17-23 Bacteria Week Sep. 21-27 Rabid Raccoon Week Oct. 19-25 Intoxicated Uncle Week
Before a model becomes a supermodel she must first climb into a pupa made out of twigs, leaves and her own spit.
Corn dogs. Corn nuts. Corned beef. Where will corning technology take us next?
Flexibility and focus are the key to well-developed back-abs. #oldspiceadvice
There are no stupid questions. Only stupid types of sandals.
Make party dancing at the disco club nightspot. Cool dude. amp.twimg.com/v/f6f73745-119…
#Sharks have been trending lately, but they’ve been around long enough to know that fame is fleeting.
Funnel cakes and lemonade may say “summer,” but they spell “fun snake dance model ale.” Consider yourself warned.
It would suck to get caught picking your nose on a spaceship. Because odds are you’ll see that person again, like all the time.
Nightclubs are only popular because they’re a great place to meet good-looking single women and have fun. amp.twimg.com/v/8fef8fec-bb9…
Only you can prevent ponytails.