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Mohammed Nouf™
I didn't tweet enough today. I feel so empty inside.
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I think for women the internet is just a place where people correct you all the time.
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Never underestimate my pic creeping talent. Ever.
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I don't appreciate your lack of sarcasm.
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Selfies: Because nobody wants to be seen with you.
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Someone stole my identity once. after 24 hours of being me they brought it back. 😕
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I'd rather be left rosy after a date than be brought roses.
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I occasionally stick a straw in my drink so I can suck the life out of it too.
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A coma feels like the safest way out right now.
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More women find you attractive when you’re holding cake.
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I'd like to high five my liver for being my best friend and never giving up on me in tough times.
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When my friends threaten to come visit, I play dead.
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No one knows you like 3 A.M. knows you
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She locked her heart and went inside her own head. He counted days on the calander and took walks in the park.
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Telemarker: "Would you like to take part in a short five minute survey?" Me: Sure! *Answers every question with a quote from Shakespeare*
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*peeks over your avi* I have a spot in my bed for you..
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"I want you to jerk off to my photos, but don't you dare tell me about it." -- Women
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*gets blocked for Tweeting about feelings
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*puts all dirty dishes in box* Hey, does anyone around here have a dishwasher I could try out?
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The best days on Twitter are major holidays because we are all avoiding our families together.
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If you weren't that old, I'd date you! (I give the best compliments to women who want to kill me)
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Loving someone forever is about three weeks right?
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First rule of snack club: 1) Bring lots
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Sorry you're not young, wild and free... But someone has to be middle aged, boring and tied down.
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You look like the rest of my life.
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If her thighs touch, my beard will enjoy them just as much!
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One thing I say a lot now, but should have said all my life: Fuck you. Watch this.
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I'm sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven't read the entire internet yet.
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Be yourself. And other things nobody likes.
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Let the madness & the music get to you. Life ain't so bad at all.
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Remember her as the beautiful woman you met .. .. not the aftermath
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Let's see who's being super offensive today.
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Sign up for twitter they said It'll be fun they said You can quit anytime they said
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I miss the days when my biggest worry was finding enough chairs in the house to use in building a kick ass blanket fort.
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Calm down tiger, it's just a star .. I give them to everyone I follow.
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Racism is far too selective, I detest the idiots of every nation and creed equally.
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I won't always agree. I won't always understand. I will listen. acknowledge. and. respect. You.
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I can't die just yet. There are still people I need to meet and disappoint.
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I hate it when I see two guys I had sex with become buddies. I don't like my food to touch.
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"Holy fuck my mouth." - me when I see my food coming at a restaurant
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My type? Someone who likes to snuggle & listens. Someone who is always excited to see me. Someone who...wait, I'm describing my cat again.
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Just got up. I'm excited about going back to bed later.
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Alcohol doesn't cause hangovers....waking up does.
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I'm about to kill this bitch that just stole my last Oreo! Lemme finish this tweet as a countdown 3,2,1...
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Chemistry is him touching my mind and it setting my body on fire.
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I expect the bullshit, but will never accept it.
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