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OMG So Adorable! 😍❤ White Lion and White Tiger in UK zoo became parents of a few cute little ligers.#Lion
Only moms can think of the future because they give birth to it in their children.
God bless all Moms in the world 🙏O
I need to tell my boss he has to give me 3x1 hour Twitter breaks every day but I'm not sure of the best way to approach the subject.
I'm certain 99% of my problems could be solved if I had Wolverine's adamantium claws.
Well at least we didn't miss the mark.
- people shopping at target
Saved 100% on my car insurance this summer by not having one.
Everyone is ridiculous in their own way, and that's the beauty of it.
But in my defense Your Honor, he said 'learnt' instead of 'learned'
Judge: CASE DISMISSED!!
Oh, I remember you.
Your the guy who chose sides when no one asked you to.
It's ok if I mildly make fun of folks. I can barely make it through a doorframe without smashing a shoulder, so all's fair...
Sorry I missed your texts! (Ignored them) how are you? (Go to hell) what's up? (Besides ruining my life) miss you! (Miss you)
after install windows 10 I tried to uninstall it laptop crashed, new H/D win8.1 picked it crashed again needs another H/D 😁
Me watching my someone arguing.
When I see a spider
These Are The Web Most Embarrassing Scenes That You Won't Believe Really Happened.. likmink.com/sdxmy-these-ar…
I see your awkwardness and raise you a lot more awkwardnessist
What do you mean I can't be lazy & successful?
Wanna be up close and in your person.
Guilt, but as an aphrodisiac.
Me: "Hi, how are you?"
Friend: blah blah blah blah....
Me: "great, glad to hear that"
*me, talking on the phone
nothing seduces me
the way music does.
it costs $0.00 to be a decent person
It doesn't really matter who's right or who's wrong.
- people who are wrong
So it looks as if it would be cheaper to just board the kids at Petsmart than to hire a babysitter overnight. Just thinking out loud here.
I'm not a stalker, I'm just an unpaid private investigator.
Never ask your girlfriend for the last piece of cake when she’s crying.
I love the look of disgust on everyone's face when a cell phone rings out loud these days
I feel like 80% of my issue with people in public could be solved by them walking faster.
Doesn't the word "spouse" already sound like something has gone terribly wrong?
A group of husbands is called a "Disappointment".
If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.
*gets email, looks important
*picks up phone for call
My guests have asked what to bring to dinner
I've told them a sense of humour and low expectations
Your lack of astronaut monkey tweets disturb me.
Hitler was reincarnated as fruit flies
Life has a way of shitting on comfort zones.
Those with a passionate heart who put up a fight for who and what they love are my favorite kind of people.
I haven't switched off of the Science Channel all day so I'm basically ready to perform open heart surgery.
Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you feel like throwing yourself into a wood chipper
How to get out of an awkward conversation: Excuse yourself by saying you have to go home and take your AIDS medicine
How to break the ice with your crush: Stab them in the neck with an ice pick
Pics that should be banned from Facebook:
2) golfing with your bros
3) literally everything else
get some rest, you have to be a douchebag again tomorrow.
See if you can filter out the deadness in your eyes.
You are not only responsible for what you say, but also for what you do not say. Martin Luther #quote
Tuesdays be the worst days for most people
I have spare matches and lighter fuel. Bought extra boxes after installing Window 10! xx