Stop telling these niggas more than they need to know.
There’s a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you. Remember that.
having a real friend is a blessing
*Adds a professional Pokémon trainer to my CV*
if i give you my time, don't waste it ass hole..
"i know how you feel"
nah, ya really don't
It’s okay to lose yourself for a little while. In books, in music, in art. Let yourself get lost.
Fuck off signs, you can't tell me how to live.
For you I would go to the end of the world. And stay there.
I was going to tweet something that clever man probably never said, but I couldn't spell Confusious.
Are you disaster? Because I really want to flirt with you.
Current status: I got in the van.
My twelve yo daughter found my Twitter account and started to follow me.....and now, she's grounded for life.
Everything happens for whatever reason that helps rationalize it.
If my 3YO's fortune was "you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs," this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate
Okay, NOW I'm done.
(she's not done)
[already at 2.6 GB]
WTF! What's draining my data! Damn company is screwing me. There's no way *scrolls through apps*
Twitter = 2.3 GB
[sounds of hysterical laughter anywhere, anytime]
Me: someone must be reading my hilarious tweets. I am so great.
All others are just noise. You're music.
Patience is also known as torture.
Sorry, I'm in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
It's not me guys, it's the voices in my head telling me to keep twitting😜
If you're going to be a mess,
Be a hot mess.
Last date I had he got KFC grease on my car seats.
I'd like to be your next restraining order
A sandwich but no chips? Get the fuck out.
Let's bang our control freaks together.
I wonder if I'll even make it to the end
Friend: I'm hungry.
Me: I just made a bunch of food if you want to come over and watch me eat it.
I can't believe that I wanted to grow up.
If you fuck with my sleep I'll be mad as fuck all day..don't do it lol
My neighbors are always doing some stupid shit on my block.
i'm wearing an elbow brace because of tendinitis and now everyone in the office thinks i've got wankers cramp fml
No-one fucks with you when you drive around with a coffin in the passenger seat.
It's really hard to make friends thank goodness
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who's head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Can't it just be winter? This heat, puts me off my feed.
Twitter would be a better place if I could set people on fire with my mind.
Why am I seeing these posts???
Don't say I didn't tell you!
I hate when I talk in my sleep and my c/w's laugh at me.
My tweet is si- * cough cough*.. sick...
I'm sorry you thought I was excited about being with you.
I was just having a manic episode.
You didn't like it when I cared. So I stopped.
I'm everything you never knew you even wanted.
I blocked you because a bug flew into my ear when I went to follow you.
Don't worry, I didn't fall for it when you pretended to like me