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Nightmare Smurf™

I'm sorry that I slapped the phone out of your hands when you said 'I always exaggerate'
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Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy
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Nothing kills you like your own thoughts
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I don't play the heart game, but it's adorable you thought enough of yourself to throw one my way.
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Still haven't won the lottery. This year is bullshit.
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I entered my Google search history into WebMD and they mailed me my very own straightjacket.
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Fireworks are on sale what the hell are you still doing at work
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On the first weekday of a new year there are three types of people; those who go back to school, go back to work or go back to bed...
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I'm not saying I'm a history buff, I'm just saying I learned to say “three score and 9 years ago" after studying the Gettysburg address...
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I'd love to join your workout group right after pizza no longer exists.
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It's truly rare and beautiful to have someone in your life who understands all the things you don't say.
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Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
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i have all these very vivid memories that you weren't a part of and i suddenly want you to be a part of them
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i want it to be 100 degrees and i want to kiss you at a house party in front of everyone but they wont notice and i want to climb a tree
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i want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real!!!!!
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and i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd!!!!!
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just wanna sit in the dark and eat pieces of bread with you
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i can feel it in my bones i'm gonna spend another year online
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obtain the time it'll be sublime metamorphose into panther dreamscape
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I had a NIGHTMARE that the Sorting Hat put me in Hufflepuff because I super wasn't ready to put on airs that I'm not evil to the bone
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A scavenger hunt to put your life back together
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Me: I didn’t ask for guidance but he gave it to me anyway Guy: Let me tell you how to deal with unsolicited advice
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the force awakens. the force checks the clock. shit. 3 am. the force makes itself a snack. watches some tv. thinks about its life. cries.
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Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
"This isn't helpful at all" - Alien watching To Catch a Predator
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"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
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I named a comet after you. It's called "piece of shit comet"
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I have finally given up the frantic flossing before a dentist appointment and this is what freedom feels like.
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You know that spray that comes off when you're peeling an orange? That's what we become when we die! Ok kids onto the bus. No eating allowed
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Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
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"Hello, Poison Control Center? I accidentally grabbed a gingerbread flavored k-cup from the breakroom. What are my chances of survival?"
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They say cameras add 10 pounds but I can't help myself. Cameras are fucking delicious.
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In the future we will type with our toes to keep our hands free for punching robots.
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You two go ahead and kill each other. I'm gonna stand here and eat all the rice krispy treats.
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absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh
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Trust me, autocorrect - I never mean "good." It's always "food."
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Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. I am a frog with a hat.
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Sometimes I think I'm smart, like maybe I've got this life thing down, and then the ice cubes hit me in the face when I take a sip of water.
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These people act like they've never seen anyone French kiss a donut
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Zero... Zero...Zero..Zero... That's how many fucks I give ! In case you were wondering
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My apologies usually start with "I'm so sorry" and end with "I'd do it again if i had the chance"
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Your new Avi makes you look your age. I'd fix that.
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There aren't enough potato chip adventures.
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People who slip and fall down stairs always make my day.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill and you never take me fucking anywhere.
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The coolest people are the ones who don't even try and don't realize that they are.
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I just want a good girl who's bad in all the right ways.
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