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The only thing I wish for anymore is a day to pass by without memories of you crossing my mind.
Sorry, I'm in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
THIS ONE WINS 😂i
You're really attractive and interesting we should eat food while we stare at each other in public sometime
Hot singles in your area are in serious relationships with married people on Twitter
There was a bee in my room so I threw my pillow at it
now he has my pillow and looks furious as fuck.
Sandwiches tell their baby sandwiches stories about me so they'll behave.
Just took a selfie and realized I've been wearing the same shirt since my 5 month old was born.
I'm sorry my affinity for the comfort of a sandal coupled with the protection of a sock is so hilarious to you.
Some people show their true colours soon and some do it later.
I've lost at least 2 maybe 3 fingers from getting too overzealous eating french fries.
Onions go with everything, except breath.
I'm not scared of anything, except waking up, going outside and life. And dieting. Diets are scary as hell. Other than that, I'm fearless.
If I had a time machine, the first place I'd go is to a mall arcade in the 80's.
Don't forget to set your car alarm so everyone can ignore it when it goes off.
Girls be like Ohhhh myyyy goddddd at absolutely nothing special
3 + y + 8 (x + 2y) = 2x + 10y
Yeah, I can definitely see how this is gonna help me in life.
Laughing so hard, no noise coming out, so you just sit there clapping like a retarded seal.
That friend who's usually a sweetheart but when he's angry, he's the creepiest & the most cruel motherfucker you ever saw in your whole life
That look you give your friends when someone attractive walks in the room.
Changing the word you were writing because you don't know how to spell it.
Waiting until your parents are in a good mood before asking them for something you want.
When someone's zipper is down & you don't know if u should tell the person or not, because you can't explain why you were looking that low.
You can follow me if you feel like it. You can also put peanut butter in your butthole, if you feel like it.
I just hate receiving "turn on my notification" tweets and Dm's 💪 👊👊👊😈
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اولمبي نادي النعيرية يتأهل من ارض نادي العلمين من الخفجي آلف آلف مبروووك
Everyone follow fluffy @fluffy_boi
People: you should talk more!
me: *tries to talk*
-gets talked over
-no one pays attention
-no one cares"
I want someone who will stay with me no matter how hard I am to be with."
Retweet if you love your parents soo much
It's okay that you haven't fallen in love with me yet. Most disasters take time to appreciate.
I have a friend who's roommate hides her toilet paper because she probably eats it.
It's nice to think that some of you might accidentally walk into traffic from staring at your phones while reading this
Be careful out there today. There's fake people everywhere.
"I feel so alive!" I complained.
No one should be alone, so get out there, you creepy fuck.
When people are kissing in public, it's weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
The reason I'm taking so long to follow back is because I want to do it in person. I'm halfway to your house now, it's ok I'll let myself in
Relationship status: making chocolate chip cookies in the middle of the night for no good reason
We're all here because we're not all there.
I'm old school, I use a window for my weather app
7 Year-old Daughter: Dad, why is it called Antarctica if there are no ants there?
Me: Would you like a new bike?
When you realize just how fucked up your life is.
"Can u fix my motor?"
Mechanic: Looks ruff, but ya.
Mechanic: How about 56 treats?
Reason for divorce:
- irreconcilable differences
✔ purchased light cheese
Be with somebody that makes you laugh, there's enough drama in this world.