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Started in 2009
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The Dude™

Stop telling these niggas more than they need to know.
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There’s a difference between somebody who wants you and somebody who would do anything to keep you. Remember that.
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having a real friend is a blessing
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*Adds a professional Pokémon trainer to my CV*
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if i give you my time, don't waste it ass hole..
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"i know how you feel" nah, ya really don't
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It’s okay to lose yourself for a little while. In books, in music, in art. Let yourself get lost.
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Fuck off signs, you can't tell me how to live.
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For you I would go to the end of the world. And stay there.
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I was going to tweet something that clever man probably never said, but I couldn't spell Confusious.
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Are you disaster? Because I really want to flirt with you.
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Current status: I got in the van.
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My twelve yo daughter found my Twitter account and started to follow me.....and now, she's grounded for life.
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Everything happens for whatever reason that helps rationalize it.
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If my 3YO's fortune was "you will eat the paper inside the cookie and then cry about it for 2 hrs," this Chinese restaurant is VERY accurate
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[already at 2.6 GB] WTF! What's draining my data! Damn company is screwing me. There's no way *scrolls through apps* Twitter = 2.3 GB Oh.
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[sounds of hysterical laughter anywhere, anytime] Me: someone must be reading my hilarious tweets. I am so great.
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All others are just noise. You're music.
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Patience is also known as torture.
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Sorry, I'm in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
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It's not me guys, it's the voices in my head telling me to keep twitting😜
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If you're going to be a mess, Be a hot mess.
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Last date I had he got KFC grease on my car seats.
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I'd like to be your next restraining order
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A sandwich but no chips? Get the fuck out.
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Let's bang our control freaks together.
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I wonder if I'll even make it to the end
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Friend: I'm hungry. Me: I just made a bunch of food if you want to come over and watch me eat it.
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I can't believe that I wanted to grow up.
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If you fuck with my sleep I'll be mad as fuck all day..don't do it lol
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My neighbors are always doing some stupid shit on my block.
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i'm wearing an elbow brace because of tendinitis and now everyone in the office thinks i've got wankers cramp fml
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No-one fucks with you when you drive around with a coffin in the passenger seat.
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It's really hard to make friends thank goodness
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who's head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
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Can't it just be winter? This heat, puts me off my feed.
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Twitter would be a better place if I could set people on fire with my mind.
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Why am I seeing these posts???
I hate when I talk in my sleep and my c/w's laugh at me.
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My tweet is si- * cough cough*.. sick...
I'm sorry you thought I was excited about being with you. I was just having a manic episode.
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You didn't like it when I cared. So I stopped.
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I'm everything you never knew you even wanted.
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I blocked you because a bug flew into my ear when I went to follow you.
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Don't worry, I didn't fall for it when you pretended to like me
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