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The best kisses are your kisses ❤
I'm sorry that I slapped the phone out of your hands when you said 'I always exaggerate'
Nothing will make you happy until you choose to be happy
Nothing kills you like your own thoughts
I don't play the heart game, but it's adorable you thought enough of yourself to throw one my way.
Still haven't won the lottery. This year is bullshit.
I entered my Google search history into WebMD and they mailed me my very own straightjacket.
Fireworks are on sale what the hell are you still doing at work
On the first weekday of a new year there are three types of people; those who go back to school, go back to work or go back to bed...
I'm not saying I'm a history buff, I'm just saying I learned to say “three score and 9 years ago" after studying the Gettysburg address...
I'd love to join your workout group right after pizza no longer exists.
Can't wait to make more mistakes in 2016!
It's truly rare and beautiful to have someone in your life who understands all the things you don't say.
Never trust a psychic wearing a band-aid, they should have seen that shit coming.
i have all these very vivid memories that you weren't a part of and i suddenly want you to be a part of them
i want it to be 100 degrees and i want to kiss you at a house party in front of everyone but they wont notice and i want to climb a tree
i want so badly to believe that there is truth and love is real!!!!!
and i want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd!!!!!
just wanna sit in the dark and eat pieces of bread with you
i can feel it in my bones i'm gonna spend another year online
obtain the time
it'll be sublime
I had a NIGHTMARE that the Sorting Hat put me in Hufflepuff because I super wasn't ready to put on airs that I'm not evil to the bone
A scavenger hunt to put your life back together
Me: I didn’t ask for guidance but he gave it to me anyway
Guy: Let me tell you how to deal with unsolicited advice
the force awakens. the force checks the clock. shit. 3 am. the force makes itself a snack. watches some tv. thinks about its life. cries.
Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.
"This isn't helpful at all"
- Alien watching To Catch a Predator
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
I named a comet after you. It's called "piece of shit comet"
I have finally given up the frantic flossing before a dentist appointment and this is what freedom feels like.
You know that spray that comes off when you're peeling an orange? That's what we become when we die! Ok kids onto the bus. No eating allowed
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
"Hello, Poison Control Center? I accidentally grabbed a gingerbread flavored k-cup from the breakroom. What are my chances of survival?"
They say cameras add 10 pounds but I can't help myself. Cameras are fucking delicious.
In the future we will type with our toes to keep our hands free for punching robots.
You two go ahead and kill each other. I'm gonna stand here and eat all the rice krispy treats.
absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh
Trust me, autocorrect - I never mean "good." It's always "food."
Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. I am a frog with a hat.
Sometimes I think I'm smart, like maybe I've got this life thing down, and then the ice cubes hit me in the face when I take a sip of water.
These people act like they've never seen anyone French kiss a donut
That's how many fucks I give !
In case you were wondering
My apologies usually start with "I'm so sorry" and end with "I'd do it again if i had the chance"
Your new Avi makes you look your age. I'd fix that.
There aren't enough potato chip adventures.
People who slip and fall down stairs always make my day.
Jack and Jill went up the hill and you never take me fucking anywhere.
The coolest people are the ones who don't even try and don't realize that they are.
I just want a good girl who's bad in all the right ways.