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The Dude™

you find yourself at 3am with thoughts that make my heart ache
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You're the only home I belong to.
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you are broken like me, which is why we understand each other
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H: what did u do today? Me: flicked the bean, cooked a little meth, same same H: Me: what? H: Me: what?!?
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*Online Dating Her: Hi. Me: Hi, I hate people and I have no intention of meeting you. Her: Then why are you here?!? Me: I'm adventurous.
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Me: Can I please sleep? Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again. Me: But I hate that song! Brain: I don't give a shit! Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5...
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yes, but have you tried being attractive
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Hell hath no fury like a child with an unanswered question.
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The bigger you are The more I want to fight you
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It takes someone who's been in pieces to see the real beauty in broken things.
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I've looked for years now but haven't found any flowers in the attic
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I'm a banned book written in a dead language no one knows how to read anymore
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You never love the same way twice.
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I'm allergic to the stuff that dreams are made of.
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Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.
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If at first you don't succeed, give up. It's not for you.
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The woman next to me on the train is pretending not to read my screen. But I know she is. And now she knows I know.
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Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?
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Damn you, Autocorrect ! Why do you keep changing a word into something that makes no sense ? You are the banner of my existence.
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She said nothing .... but her silence spoke volumes.
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When you know a lot but stay silent
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She has a way with the universe because she loves unconditionally
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Never underestimate the profound impact of two simple words .... "I care."
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Me: Does this sports bra make me look flat? Him: Do you want your boobs to look big at the gym? Me: Is that a trick question?
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I've just put on skinny jeans so skinny, I can now only sip water for the rest of the day.
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Him: It not you, it's me. Me: Clearly
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[Deathbed] Me: I need to confess Wife: Yes? Me: I have a hidden Swiss bank account Wife: *puts plug back in* What's the account number??
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Nine out of ten people agree that it's just easier to agree.
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I have a problem with people and the fact that they're breathing.
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You would think by now twitter would have developed a fuck off button.
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I've had nothing much to say, so I didn't say it. See what I did there?
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I'm wearing red today, like some kind of whore.
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It's been 6.5 seconds since you posted a selfie... Are you okay?!?
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Actively listening is a lost art
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Sipping whiskey and riding the storm out.
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Marriage, when you have hate sex in your driveway and then go eat meatball subs and watch Star Trek.
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Stop analyzing his texts. They all mean 'I'm horny right now'
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I don't really have a solution to your problem, maybe just eat more.
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When a woman says 'it's nothing' it's probably a lot of things and you'll be dead soon
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[Future] "What can I help you with?" "I just need my neurotransmitters tuned up."
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I enjoy drunken walks through sliding screen doors.
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I fell asleep in the bathtub this morning and was subsequently late for work if anyone is looking for a stellar employee.
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I had breakfast with a hot guy today!! He was drinking coffee in his car next to mine in traffic as I ate a donut, but still counts.
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'phone rakhdo, isme kya rakha hai?' Yeh rakh kr apki shakal dekhun? usme kya rakha hai.
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