That is a beautiful shade of lipstick on your teeth...
I've come to the conclusion that giving someone too many chances, only makes YOU the fool.
I hate when I go to work drunk and the boss ask, "where are your pants?"
I tried using concealer to hide the bags under my eyes, but they were too overpacked.
Sex so good she wanted my autograph.
Yeah sweetie, those panties are junk now.
Sorry I asked if that was a scrunchie holding your man bun up.
Me: I don't use the word "love" often.
H: ... But?
Me: What? Oh! No. Sorry. That's all I had to say.
I’m feeling a little bit off today, but you definitely turned me on.
I fell in love with you because of the millions of tiny great things you never knew you were doing 💙
It's only dirty if she's not into you
I take two showers a day but no matter how hard I try I always have a dirty mind
If you insist on living in my mind... Rent is due on the 1st.
Show me how to live again
Tell me where you are. I'm looking for you now.
Midnight knows my fears, and my pillow knows my tears.
Sorry, I was your do over.
never underestimate the power of an extra large bag of
My sex tape is just me napping
*Buys you a luggage rack for all your emotional baggage*
She never meant to need him.
I want to see the "you" that you don't share. The "you" that you don't even let yourself see. I want to look into your eyes & see your soul.
When the phone falls on your face..it's time to go to sleep
Having back-to-back medical tests and can't drink alcohol for the next week, but I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
Still I dream of the days when we were on the same page...
As long as nobody looks in its mouth I think this horse I brought to the gift exchange will be a really big hit
"Only God can judge me"
People who've never been to
I'm just gonna lie down right here and take a nap.
*lies down in middle of the street*
I'm sorry I had to block you. But, you were sexually harassing me on my TL and I'm old enough to be your Mum.
No hard feelings.
"But enough about me...
Let me tell you more about me."
-people who don't retweet
Here's my pain, I hope it makes you laugh
Diet plan: Not licking the wrapper of my Klondike bar.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break up
Her: I'd take a bullet for you.
Me: How soon can you do that?
Why the fuck would you want to keep calm?
I’m going to have the perfect funeral even if it kills me!
Your avi makes me feel some subtle rage.
Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness?
Me: *spinning around in the chair* I dunno, focusing maybe
I don't know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Out of milk so I used vanila ice cream in my coffee and now I am convinced you all should refer to me as GENIUS.
i hold his hands and a journey to forever begins in our chests
burry me in a bed of pages from my favourite books
The smartest people know when to act dumb..
fall in love with someone who listens to you talk about the sky for hours and understands why every little detail matters to you
I love you for more than what you can or can't do for me. I love you for far more than the obvious.