Her: Is there anything better than true love?
Me: *head buried in the bottom of a bucket of fried chicken* what?
I need coffee.
Sorry can't, it's bean banned
I have nothing in common with people who tuck in their comforter at the foot of the bed.
BRAIN: Donald Trump is your president
ME: I will never sleep again
Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now, Al7amdullilah 💙
Words cannot even describe how I am feeling
Don't hate yourself.
I hate you enough for the both of us
Just know if you make a promise and give your word, I expect you to keep your word.
President Trump, you made a big mistake. By trying to divide us up by race, religion, gender and nationality you actually brought us closer.
son: Can I have my toy back?
wife: Not right now, it's keeping him quiet
me *playing with his dinosaur*
I'll show you my Pain Box if you show me your Gom Jabbar
Your funny matches my funny.
Let's do this forever.
Wanna avoid road rage ? Stay the fuck home when I'm on the road.
Does this butt plug make my ass look fat? It's the jewel on the end isn't it?
*gets outta bed
*falls into dresser
*dizzy walks to bathroom
*goes back to bed
Sorry, not coming in, I'm Sleep Drunk
Anyone who says "more haste less speed" was obviously never cool enough for drugs
Fuck everyone that reads this! Have a good day!
Laughter and happily ever after. That's what people want.
Some things are worth fixing and other things aww just let em go
Two wrongs don't make a right
Apparently some dude on Facebook has to piss in a cup to earn a paycheck. Seems like a weird job
It's all fun & games until someone whips out their girthy....personality!
*I see theme starting here.
**see what ya did @1MeLrO
Nothing like a huge girthy
A group of people is called no thanks.
Be with the one who isn't afraid to share their world with you.
I believed it all, and I wish it had been the truth.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says "oh, you want to see crazy?" Reassure her that you do not.
I say what's on my mind and push back, that's foreplay fuckface
Heads up....you can't take sick boyfriends to a pet hospital.
I want to smash your skull in with a snow globe.
"I'm too old for this shit" -me every time I wake up
Fact: You're more likely to be killed by a guy wearing a tshirt with a wolf on it than an actual wolf
Brain: If I fall asleep now I'll get 8 hours.
*3 hrs later*
Brain: According to this quiz, if I were a music instrument, I'd be a cowbell.
I hate it when I think I'm funny but really I'm just drunk
Make sure you take some extra time this weekend to fuck off.
I just blocked someone for tweeting, "Chocolate milk sucks". I am not fucking around today.
I'll show you what I'm made of.. flesh and blood mostly.
Being a parent is just saying stop every 11 seconds and until you die.
Many people don't know this, but it's possible to read something you don't agree with on the internet and simply move on with your life.
I think you being an assman or a boobman depends if I'm laying on my back or not.
I'm just here to invade your headspace and give you heartburn.
I like to show my love for my friends by insulting them into becoming better people.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
A witches tit to stir the poison.
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I'd rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I don't want to go back there again he thinks to himself about work I don't want to go back there again he thinks about home I don't want to