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The Dude™

That is a beautiful shade of lipstick on your teeth...
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I've come to the conclusion that giving someone too many chances, only makes YOU the fool.
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I hate when I go to work drunk and the boss ask, "where are your pants?"
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I tried using concealer to hide the bags under my eyes, but they were too overpacked.
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Yeah sweetie, those panties are junk now.
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Sorry I asked if that was a scrunchie holding your man bun up.
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Me: I don't use the word "love" often. H: ... But? Me: What? Oh! No. Sorry. That's all I had to say.
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I’m feeling a little bit off today, but you definitely turned me on.
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I fell in love with you because of the millions of tiny great things you never knew you were doing 💙
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It's only dirty if she's not into you
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I take two showers a day but no matter how hard I try I always have a dirty mind
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If you insist on living in my mind... Rent is due on the 1st.
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Tell me where you are. I'm looking for you now.
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Midnight knows my fears, and my pillow knows my tears.
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never underestimate the power of an extra large bag of peanut m&ms
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My sex tape is just me napping
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*Buys you a luggage rack for all your emotional baggage*
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I want to see the "you" that you don't share. The "you" that you don't even let yourself see. I want to look into your eyes & see your soul.
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When the phone falls on your face..it's time to go to sleep
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Having back-to-back medical tests and can't drink alcohol for the next week, but I'm just going to take it one day at a time.
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Still I dream of the days when we were on the same page...
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As long as nobody looks in its mouth I think this horse I brought to the gift exchange will be a really big hit
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"Only God can judge me" People who've never been to Whole Foods.
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I'm just gonna lie down right here and take a nap. *lies down in middle of the street*
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I'm sorry I had to block you. But, you were sexually harassing me on my TL and I'm old enough to be your Mum. No hard feelings.
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"But enough about me... Let me tell you more about me." -people who don't retweet
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Here's my pain, I hope it makes you laugh
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Diet plan: Not licking the wrapper of my Klondike bar.
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Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options: 1. Stay together forever 2. Break up No pressure.
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Her: I'd take a bullet for you. Me: How soon can you do that?
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Why the fuck would you want to keep calm?
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I’m going to have the perfect funeral even if it kills me!
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Your avi makes me feel some subtle rage.
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Interviewer: what's your biggest weakness? Me: *spinning around in the chair* I dunno, focusing maybe
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[at therapist] I don't know, sometimes I just feel invisible Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
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Out of milk so I used vanila ice cream in my coffee and now I am convinced you all should refer to me as GENIUS.
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i hold his hands and a journey to forever begins in our chests
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burry me in a bed of pages from my favourite books
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The smartest people know when to act dumb..
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fall in love with someone who listens to you talk about the sky for hours and understands why every little detail matters to you
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I love you for more than what you can or can't do for me. I love you for far more than the obvious.
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