you find yourself at 3am with thoughts that make my heart ache
You're the only home I belong to.
you are broken like me, which is why we understand each other
H: what did u do today?
Me: flicked the bean, cooked a little meth, same same
Me: Hi, I hate people and I have no intention of meeting you.
Her: Then why are you here?!?
Me: I'm adventurous.
Me: Can I please sleep?
Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again.
Me: But I hate that song!
Brain: I don't give a shit!
Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5...
yes, but have you tried being attractive
I pick up the fallen pages.
Hell hath no fury like a child with an unanswered question.
The bigger you are
The more I want to fight you
It takes someone who's been in pieces to see the real beauty in broken things.
I've looked for years now but haven't found any flowers in the attic
I just write them I don't explain them.
I'm a banned book written in a dead language no one knows how to read anymore
You never love the same way twice.
I'm allergic to the stuff that dreams are made of.
Hope is the only thing stronger than fear.
If at first you don't succeed, give up. It's not for you.
The woman next to me on the train is pretending not to read my screen. But I know she is. And now she knows I know.
Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?
You are the banner of my existence.
She said nothing ....
but her silence spoke volumes.
When you know a lot but stay silent
She has a way with the universe because she loves unconditionally
Never underestimate the profound
impact of two simple words ....
Me: Does this sports bra make me look flat?
Him: Do you want your boobs to look big at the gym?
Me: Is that a trick question?
I've just put on skinny jeans so skinny, I can now only sip water for the rest of the day.
Him: It not you, it's me.
Me: I need to confess
Me: I have a hidden Swiss bank account
Wife: *puts plug back in*
What's the account number??
Nine out of ten people agree that it's just easier to agree.
I have a problem with people and the fact that they're breathing.
You would think by now twitter would have developed a fuck off button.
I've had nothing much to say, so I didn't say it.
See what I did there?
Nice format tweet, asshole.
I'm wearing red today, like some kind of whore.
It's been 6.5 seconds since you posted a selfie...
Are you okay?!?
Actively listening is a lost art
Sipping whiskey and
riding the storm out.
Marriage, when you have hate sex in your driveway and then go eat meatball subs and watch Star Trek.
Stop analyzing his texts. They all mean 'I'm horny right now'
My freak flag is a McDonalds napkin
I don't really have a solution to your problem, maybe just eat more.
When a woman says 'it's nothing' it's probably a lot of things and you'll be dead soon
"What can I help you with?"
"I just need my neurotransmitters tuned up."
I enjoy drunken walks through sliding screen doors.
I fell asleep in the bathtub this morning and was subsequently late for work if anyone is looking for a stellar employee.
I had breakfast with a hot guy today!!
He was drinking coffee in his car next to mine in traffic as I ate a donut, but still counts.
'phone rakhdo, isme kya rakha hai?'
Yeh rakh kr apki shakal dekhun? usme kya rakha hai.