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The Dude™

feeling sleepy..
Her: Is there anything better than true love? Me: *head buried in the bottom of a bucket of fried chicken* what?
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I need coffee. [Trump Voice] Sorry can't, it's bean banned
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I have nothing in common with people who tuck in their comforter at the foot of the bed.
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ME: Goodnight BRAIN: Donald Trump is your president ME: I will never sleep again
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Sorry I just saw your text from last night, are you guys still at the restaurant
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I still remember the days I prayed for the things I have now, Al7amdullilah 💙
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Words cannot even describe how I am feeling
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Don't hate yourself. I hate you enough for the both of us
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Just know if you make a promise and give your word, I expect you to keep your word.
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President Trump, you made a big mistake. By trying to divide us up by race, religion, gender and nationality you actually brought us closer.
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[restaurant] son: Can I have my toy back? wife: Not right now, it's keeping him quiet me *playing with his dinosaur*
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I'll show you my Pain Box if you show me your Gom Jabbar
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Your funny matches my funny. Let's do this forever.
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Wanna avoid road rage ? Stay the fuck home when I'm on the road.
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Does this butt plug make my ass look fat? It's the jewel on the end isn't it?
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*wakes up *gets outta bed *falls into dresser *dizzy walks to bathroom *goes back to bed *calls boss Sorry, not coming in, I'm Sleep Drunk
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Anyone who says "more haste less speed" was obviously never cool enough for drugs
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Fuck everyone that reads this! Have a good day!
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Laughter and happily ever after. That's what people want.
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Some things are worth fixing and other things aww just let em go
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Two wrongs don't make a right **call me
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Apparently some dude on Facebook has to piss in a cup to earn a paycheck. Seems like a weird job
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It's all fun & games until someone whips out their girthy....personality! *I see theme starting here. **see what ya did @1MeLrO
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Nothing like a huge girthy Personality
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A group of people is called no thanks.
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Be with the one who isn't afraid to share their world with you.
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I believed it all, and I wish it had been the truth.
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Most women need a little reassurance. Like when she says "oh, you want to see crazy?" Reassure her that you do not.
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I say what's on my mind and push back, that's foreplay fuckface
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Heads up....you can't take sick boyfriends to a pet hospital.
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I want to smash your skull in with a snow globe.
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"I'm too old for this shit" -me every time I wake up
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Fact: You're more likely to be killed by a guy wearing a tshirt with a wolf on it than an actual wolf
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Brain: If I fall asleep now I'll get 8 hours. *3 hrs later* Brain: According to this quiz, if I were a music instrument, I'd be a cowbell.
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I hate it when I think I'm funny but really I'm just drunk
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Make sure you take some extra time this weekend to fuck off.
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I just blocked someone for tweeting, "Chocolate milk sucks". I am not fucking around today.
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I'll show you what I'm made of.. flesh and blood mostly.
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Being a parent is just saying stop every 11 seconds and until you die.
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Many people don't know this, but it's possible to read something you don't agree with on the internet and simply move on with your life.
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I think you being an assman or a boobman depends if I'm laying on my back or not.
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I'm just here to invade your headspace and give you heartburn.
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I like to show my love for my friends by insulting them into becoming better people.
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I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
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A witches tit to stir the poison.
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Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch? M: I'd rather be the Mom K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
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I don't want to go back there again he thinks to himself about work I don't want to go back there again he thinks about home I don't want to
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