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The Brown Guy™
Imagine if Police had giant police spiders instead of police dogs. There would be no crime.
You're smiling. I'm getting scared.
They're called, "Skinny jeans", not "Make You Skinny Jeans".
I don't think you are as stuipid as you seem. Nobody can be as stupid as you seem.
It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's the fat.
Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk.
Of course there's a God. Can you imagine a man having the imagination this inspiring? #... ift.tt/1Ese2gV pic.twitter.com/3wiiSZ4cFK
Of course there's a God. Can you imagine a man having the imagination this inspiring? #travel #vacation #nature #sky #sun #sunrise #twilight #weather #clouds #cloudporn #skylovers #skypainters #mothernature #ladd00 #scenery #roadtrip #landscape #canada #explorecanada #travelcanada #prairielife #pra
There's so much color in the sky. If only life was this colorful. #travel #vacation #na... ift.tt/1BFNp9S pic.twitter.com/wG5919NAAS
There's so much color in the sky. If only life was this colorful. #travel #vacation #nature #sky #sun #sunset #twilight #clouds #cloudporn #skylovers #skypainters #mothernature #ladd00 #scenery #roadtrip #prairielife #prairies #prairieskies #northdakota #nd #exploredakotas
My timeline is still moaning from the fingerblasting by @TGFMFT - thanks for the love!
The RPS sends our deepest sympathy to the family, friends & colleagues of Cst. D. Wynn of the St. Albert @RCMPAlberta pic.twitter.com/J9nFyWXdg0
Retweeted by The Brown Guy™
Sorry, boss, but a “huddle” where everyone reports on what they’re working on is still a status meeting.
Retweeted by The Brown Guy™
Cough keeping you up at night? Put Vick's Vapo-rub on your feet and put on socks. Within minutes the cough will stop permanently
Retweeted by The Brown Guy™
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and saying "I'm stalking you" was way funnier in my head.
Drugs don't ruin your career. Drug tests do.
At the end of the day, life should ask us, "Do you want to save the changes?"
Me: "You're cute." Her: "I have a boyfriend." Me: "So? Sometimes I say my neighbor's dog is cute, doesn't mean I want to fuck him."
You're an inspiration for birth control.
Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?
"Please leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I can tolerate the sound of a human voice again."
How to kiss a girl: 1. Grab her waist. 2. Slip your hand in her pocket. 3. Steal her phone. 4. Don't even kiss her. 5. Just run.
There's no life without water. Because,without water, there's no coffee. And without coffee, I'll kill you all.
Me:*sneezes* Mom: Remember January 14th 2008 when I told you to bring a jacket.
That sad and awkward moment when you realize that the trash goes out more than you do.
People with the greatest advice usually have the most problems.
Care too little, you lose them. But care too much, you get hurt.
I can tell by your ass that you have enabled cookies.
I love getting text messages from wrong numbers.
Aah! Back to the city where everyone thinks they are the center of the universe. I'm in you, Toronto!
Never seen such a poor man-management for the kind of infrastructure this airport has. Shame shame. swarmapp.com/c/1vh2U4thlDM
There's a pretty good chance I'll end up being one of those senior citizens who randomly bites people.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of grains who could've become beer but didn't.
This relationship is going to be awkward if you keep pretending I'm not your boyfriend.
I'm making a graph of my past relationships. I have an 'ex'-axis and a 'why?'-axis.
I asked my psychiatrist if she thought I was crazy. She said, "if I say no, will you put down the gun?"
Him: "I like this girl, but she has a boyfriend. ." Me: "So? The goal has a goal keeper, but that doesn't mean you can't score."
I think stupid people were put on this earth to test my anger management skills.
Stop telling people about your problems, 20% don't care and 80% are glad you have them.
People are so ungrateful. No one thanks me for having the patience not to kill them.
Nervous about flirting with a woman? Just remember: they're smart, confident, and aware they don't need us, so yeah, you should be worried.
The most dangerous animal in the world, is a smiling woman, sitting in silence.
Me: "How much for the torture device?" Salesman : "Sir, that's a wedding ring."