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Me: "why are you angrily dropping so much snow on us this year?" Mother nature: "nothing. Its fine."
If you're looking for the guys who say America is a Christian nation, they're busy trying to take health insurance from 8 million Americans.
Retweeted by natebuckwell
RIP #LeonardNimoy You lived long and prospered :(
"Obama?" Yeah, Joe? "Do you think I can sleep on the top bunk tonight?" No, Joe that's dangerous *Joe turns off night light* "FINE"
Retweeted by natebuckwell
"Those are nice vacation photos, but I wish you would have taken more pictures of your food" - No one
I dont think @RealRudyGiulian saying #obama doesnt love America is that bad. I mean look at you, America. You've really let yourself go.
Im sick of science classes not teaching that Athena turned Arachne into a spider. #teachthecontroversy #creationism
#coldweather warning: Frostbite can occur tonight after only 4 minutes of looking outside.
I'm considering giving up Atheism for #Lent2015
The only time it is acceptable for a guy to say "Hey nice shirt" to another guy is if they are both wearing the same shirt.
The French Revolution was 215 years ago. Holy shit I feel old.
According to legend, if The Prophet Muhammad sees his own reflection, he'll turn to stone.
Im going to buy cinnamon hearts for people I secretly hate. #ValentinesDay
#ZombieSongs That song by the Cranberries that goes "Wif der taynks en DER bombs en DER guuhns een yer heeaaad der steel foightee-eeen"
#50Shades is actually a film about what #CitizensUnited allows Rich people to do to everyone else.
#AskAmySchumer Can you replace Jon Stewart on the Daily Show when he leaves? I bet you can keep up with his DJPE (dick jokes per episode)
Someone needs to make a LIFE OF BRIAN-style satire about Islam. (Not me, I'm a pussy)
Retweeted by natebuckwell
"I ate all your food. Can I have some money?" - Teenagers
#KanyeWest probably sends dick pics to himself
There is no manly way to stretch and yawn in public.
Have you ever wanted to shout "You smell like pee! Why are you out in public smelling like pee??" To the person sitting beside you? I have.
There are menonites at the hospital. Shouldn't they have to go see a witch doctor, or something?
I'm glad February isn't 3/5ths of a month anymore. #BlackHistoryMonth
A moment of silence for the poor guys forced to watch "50 Shades of Daddy Issues" this weekend. #50ShadesOfGrey
#ISIS was just acting out their favourite 50 Shades of Gray scene with the Jordanian pilot
Dear @TheGoodGodAbove, I think if you switched it so that bugs were active in the winter, and slept all summer, everyone would love you more
Well, I just came inaide from shovelling the driveway. Time to go out and shovel the driveway! #Snowmageddon2015
My problem is I get too emotionally attached to hypothetical scenarios.
Muslims say the bible is not the word of God Christians say the Quran is not the word of God Well done you're both right
Retweeted by natebuckwell
Dont mistake my weakness for kindness
#QZ8501 looks like Christmas finally came for @CNN !
#cancerabook We need title ideas!! One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, You Have Cancer
Retweeted by natebuckwell
#cancerabook she sells T cells by the sea shore
#cancerabook I BiopSEE what you did there
@hahahaddon White privilege vs white blood cells I'd give my right nut! #cancerabook
Retweeted by natebuckwell
#cancerabook game is happening. Come on #cancer haters. Need a good book title for my cancer book. #fuckcancer @hastags
Retweeted by natebuckwell
1 easy step to getting sympathy pussy: get cancer. #cancerabook
Retweeted by natebuckwell
#cancerabook I'm Dying up here: Cancer and Comedy
#cancerabook Hey, at least it's not erectile disfunction.