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Be the sarcasm you wish to see in the world.
I feel like the future of our species will be determined by a fight to the death between @elonmusk and the #kochbrothers
Only 3 more days until "OHMYGOD THEY'RE TRYING TO DESTROY #Christmas " season!
Blaming #Muslims or #Islam for Terrorism is like blaming White People for school shootings. #EndTheHate
The relationship between a teacher and a parent is a mutual feeling of "Oh god, Im doing my best for this kid. Please dont judge/hate me."
#LeonardoDiCaprio deserves an an Oscar for his speech at the #UnitedNations but we all know he won't get one.
#simpsonscouchgag The group of writers from 20 years ago all run up and sit on the couch, and the show starts to get funny again.
Ah the 3 B's of #summer Barbeque, Bonfire, and Bswimming
So now that #Brazil has hosted a global sporting event, is it their turn to annex Crimea? #WorldCup2014
Oh yeah like you've never pretended to web sling up a flight of stairs before
Happy anniversary of the filling out of the requisite paperwork to not be considered a British territory anymore. #CanadaDay
"I don't eat gluten" has become the new "I don't own a TV"
If I had access to #timetravel I would go back and kick @glennbeck 's mom in the stomach while she was pregnant with him.
"Time to go home and beat my tofu" - a vegan talking about masturbating
#rickperry compares homosexuality to alcoholism Meaning its ok to have a little gay, as long as its administered in church by a priest
Not trying to brag, but my wife lets me have sex with her if she's feeling too lazy to masturbate.
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Hey baby, did it hurt? When Dorothy threw the water on you, which caused you to melt?
I normally don't sports very well, but where do I cast my vote for who wins the #WorldCup this year?
....but at least we got rid of Iraq's Weapons of Mass Destruction, right? #Mosul
Remember folks, you can't spell non sequitor without our brave men and women in uniform who defend our freedom.
Q: How many @BestBuy employees does it take to sell a tablet? A: so far 4
Watch #E32014 only release footage for some of the products, with the rest of the footage available for purchase as DLC in November sometime
I would sell my soul for the ability to weasle out of contracts with The Devil
Guys, I'm beginning to think #JohnSnow doesn't know anything.
Tampon commercials set an unrealistic expectation of how fun it is to be around mensturating women
I just finished watching RIPD, and I feel as though @reynoldryan owes me an apology.
Today on #NBC, 3 hours of coverage and hype for a 2 minute horse race #BelmontStakes #Belmont
Medically speaking, my credit score is considered an STD
In order to excercise my patience, Im going to start lifting waits.
Im not suicidal, I'm just really tired all the time.
Does anyone know the age cut off for using the phrase "over yonder"?
Can we just accept that huge packages of TP is a more efficient way to buy it, and stop looking at me like I'm about to shit my pants?
The best part about twitter is that no one I know uses twitter.
"Domestic Abuse" is such a terrible term. I prefer "Percussive Maintenance" #YesAllWomen
Years of watching Fail videos is why I never try to do anything remotely cool or fun.
Life lesson 1: never wipe your ass in the dark Life lesson 2: wiping your ass with clorox disinfecting wipes HURTS. LIKE. HELL.
Sometimes I rt things and imagine the writer is going "one more rt an I won't kill myself" it's called saving lives, folks.
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I'm more of a grammar Communist
In honour of the passing of #MayaAngelou , for the next 7 days I will pretend to know who Maya Angelou is.
I believe I am destined to one day write a hilarious Jehova's Witness-themed knock knock joke.
if the guy that shot 50 Cent shoots like 50 Cent pitches, no wonder 50 Cent is still alive. #50CentFirstPitch
Given some of their clientele, I'm amazed #walmart doesn't have a Big 'N Tall section.
When a solar pipeline explodes it's called a no sorry solar doesn't need pipelines.…
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Me: How much for the fancy cereal bowl? Salesman: Sir, that's a bathtub.
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I'm so glad we live in a country where "Don't drink and drive" doesn't apply to riding lawnmowers
My retirement plan consists of liking and sharing pictures of money on facebook in the hopes that money comes my way.
You call them extreme sports I call them natural selection waiting to happen
We all have our prejudices. When I see a white man in a suit, I cross the street out of fear I'll lose my house or retirement savings.
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"Can I get you to-" YES! "Great! Here it-" I'LL DO IT! "Don't you want to-" MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO... - Adam Sandler being handed a script
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My #5yearplan is to somehow use apple fritters as hamburger buns at a BBQ.