Oneway street Bruce Ave. in Windsor decides to switch directions and changes name to Caitlyn #WindsorProblems pic.twitter.com/A7bl1FzHrC
When they say "it takes a village to raise a child", i didnt know they meant financially.
Only if you promise to never give ted cruz back. Ever.
"yup.....he signed it" - Public Notaries
sees his shadow, that means it's only 8 more weeks until the real presidential candidates are announced!
Dear people who have writing on their houses instead of numbers for their address: Cut the shit.
the only thing thats dumber than being a pizzeria that wont to serve gays, is giving $400k to a pizzeria that wont to serve gays
You're the laughing stock of a country that has #Texas
"It's not a cult!" -People in cults
USA has been at war during 217 out of its 238 calendar years of existence.
all im saying is that hospitals should let you peruse strangers' medical records to pass the time while you're waiting
I went to call an ambulance today, and accidentally called an ambivalence. They said they weren't sure if they were going to show up or not
Im sorry for pooping and puking everywhere for a few years when I was a baby, and again when I was old enough to drink
My greatest fear in life is waking up as an old man one day, and realize i could have eaten more burritos
The porn parody of #GameOfThrones
contains less porn than the original
Bacon is hands down the most important bacon of the day
It’s so cute how newspapers are still trying.
"Milkshake" should be a blood type
JESUS. SWIMSUIT. CALENDAR.
Me: "why are you angrily dropping so much snow on us this year?"
Mother nature: "nothing. Its fine."
If you're looking for the guys who say America is a Christian nation, they're busy trying to take health insurance from 8 million Americans.
You lived long and prospered :(
"Do you think I can sleep on the top bunk tonight?"
No, Joe that's dangerous
*Joe turns off night light*
"Those are nice vacation photos, but I wish you would have taken more pictures of your food" - No one
I dont think @RealRudyGiulian
doesnt love America is that bad.
I mean look at you, America. You've really let yourself go.
Im sick of science classes not teaching that Athena turned Arachne into a spider.
Frostbite can occur tonight after only 4 minutes of looking outside.
I'm considering giving up Atheism for #Lent2015
The only time it is acceptable for a guy to say "Hey nice shirt" to another guy is if they are both wearing the same shirt.
The French Revolution was 215 years ago.
Holy shit I feel old.
According to legend, if The Prophet Muhammad sees his own reflection, he'll turn to stone.
Im going to buy cinnamon hearts for people I secretly hate.
That song by the Cranberries that goes
"Wif der taynks en DER bombs en DER guuhns
een yer heeaaad der steel foightee-eeen"
is actually a film about what #CitizensUnited
allows Rich people to do to everyone else.
Can you replace Jon Stewart on the Daily Show when he leaves?
I bet you can keep up with his DJPE (dick jokes per episode)
Someone needs to make a LIFE OF BRIAN-style satire about Islam.
(Not me, I'm a pussy)
"I ate all your food. Can I have some money?" - Teenagers
probably sends dick pics to himself
There is no manly way to stretch and yawn in public.
Have you ever wanted to shout "You smell like pee! Why are you out in public smelling like pee??" To the person sitting beside you? I have.
There are menonites at the hospital. Shouldn't they have to go see a witch doctor, or something?
I'm glad February isn't 3/5ths of a month anymore.
A moment of silence for the poor guys forced to watch "50 Shades of Daddy Issues" this weekend.
was just acting out their favourite 50 Shades of Gray scene with the Jordanian pilot