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Mrs Stephen Fry
londoncomedy 150,739 followers
She gripped the end and tugged gently. Then harder. 'Why isn't anything happening?' she asked. 'It only works on the third flush' I replied.
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As the pain surged up my body, I swore terrible vengeance . . How many times have I told my son not to leave his Lego on the bathroom floor?
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I screamed in agony as the heat stung my naked flesh, 'How many times have I told you not to flush the toilet when I’m in the shower?'
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. . And Frank Skinner's Mario Bros tribute. #DrWho
Lovely to see Peter Capaldi's William Hartnell fashion tribute. #DrWho
It may surprise you to know that several members of this England team also have jobs as professional footballers. #EngvSM
If you're cutting up your own jalapeños @MrsStephenFry make sure you scrub your fingers thoroughly before handling @stephenfry's enchilada.
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Dear @marksandspencer, disappointed to see such misleading packaging. (Serving suggestion - add your own jalapeños?) pic.twitter.com/RZwaEXmMSk
Game of Thrones as you've never seen it before . . amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/147114…
Joan's such a loving grandmother. Even though it's cold, she's taken her grandchildren to the park today. B pic.twitter.com/Bsf8vTKHoH
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LATEST: Police investigating footage of Top Gear presenters being attacked by an angry mob say it could have occurred anywhere in the world.
Blood sprayed over the walls and my ear flew across the room as the blade slashed wildly. Next time I'll stick to my electric shaver.
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I nominate @stephenfry for the KFC Bucket Challenge. He's got to go a whole afternoon without eating one.
After hours of blood-curdling screams and groans he emerged breathless and said 'I wouldn’t go in there for a few minutes if I were you . .'
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I screamed in agony as the heat stung my naked flesh, 'How many times have I told you not to flush the toilet when I’m in the shower?'
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I stared in horror - it was a dark, evil green colour with big scales. I hadn't been in a bathroom like this since 1973.
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Alright, this is not Alan Bennett, granted, but a rather amusing @stephenfry (looking a lot like @MrsStephenFry) youtube.com/watch?v=SNzUmS…
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I do hope you're all having a lovely #MacmillanCoffeeMorning, dears. Personally, I prefer a nice cup of tea but each to their own. x
Hugging a tree is a very effective way to relieve stress. Unless it hugs back.
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Extreme Fisting with Robson Green #TypoTVshows
And I'll be making your breakfast, ironing your newspaper and relieving your early morning bulge as usual @stephenfry #EvenMoreFoolMe
LATEST: Apple shareholders question new CEO appointment . . #BendGate pic.twitter.com/AIi1Qc7rhR
History's just got even horribler, thanks to @adeteal and his fiendish friends . . m.youtube.com/watch?v=LBINzH…
All people who use brooms are evil. Although that is a sweeping statement.
Are Game of Thrones fans ready for this . . ? amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/147114… Maybe . . maybe not! pic.twitter.com/VyhuMWm22V
She dropped her skirt, pulled down her panties and slowly lowered herself onto my lap. I really must get a new light bulb for this toilet.
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LATEST: Michel Platini says there will be no corruption in UEFA. Not on his watch.
If Scotland has voted Yes, tomorrow will forever be known as Deep-Friday.
Congratulations @bbcdoctorwho for rediscovering the real doctor - a believable, tortured genius, not a tiresome boyband wannabe.
At last, Doctor Who has rediscovered its heart and soul! Serious time lordery instead of unbearably twee timey wimeyness! #DoctorWho
Hey, hey U2, get off of my iCloud! #Bonovirus
Are U2 suffering from the Bonovirus? Here's the cure, dears . . m.bbc.co.uk/newsbeat/29157… #bonovirus
My husband asks any ageing celebrities to try and cling on a bit longer until the new wing of our VIP area is finished.
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Hello @DaveGorman, dear. Stephen says the shredder's ready whenever you want it. Whatever that means. x
Hello dears, I'm just wondering if you might know where I could get hold of a copy of Oliver in the Overworld by Freddie and the Dreamers? x
Congratulations to every bit of Ireland for today's fantastic football results! Sláinte! X
The Sneeze - a poem by Edna Fry Ah . . ah . . ah . . ah . . ah Ah . . ah . . ah . . ah . . ah . . ah . ah Ah . . aah . . aaah . . HAIKU!!!
Sad to hear Richard Attenborough is no longer with us. I'd wish for a season of his films on TV but it would last longer than any of us.
No @stephenfry, I told you I would only do that on your birthday. It IS your birthday? Oh well, at least put a cushion down . . .
Come on Twitter! Retweet @adamhillscomedy's last tweet. And maybe contribute a little too, if you can . .
Congratulations to @Channel4's The Last Leg and @adamhillscomedy and co for proving hard-hitting satire can have a heart.
I just donated to Remembering Robin Williams: A Benefit For St Jude. Please donate to this amazing cause here: crowdrise.com/honorrobin/fun…
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If only today's musical stars had a fraction of Kate Bush's creativity, originality or bravery. Instead we have Gaga and Bieber. Very sad.