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Michael Ian Black
Don't you understand Brad and Angeline were in a movie called "Mr. and Mrs. Smith"? RT @IMNLOVEWAISHA wow shut the fuck up
I GUESS NOW THEY REALLY ARE MR AND MRS SMITH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
are you SURE there's no tables left? (slips maitre d' a notarized pencil sketch of me and Richard Branson skiing in jean jackets)
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Now that Brad and Angelina are married, I can FINALLY start worrying about when they're going to get divorced.
If you don't believe in white privilege, I just walked outside in my pajama pants while singing "I Dreamed a Dream." No problems.
Drank a lot of flavored seltzer today, because I'm a middle-aged Jew, but a MODERN middle-aged Jew.
The band outside my apartment is playing "Life is a Highway." Karma really is a bitch.
Somehow there's a band warming up outside my apartment, which feels like a violation of all that is legal and holy.
Really struggling with how to time out my nap/lunch/Twittering. UGH! Why are there so few hours in a day?!?
The only thing that's been sucking lately is your mom. RT @Ryanpat28 your tweets suck lately...what are u getting paid for??
A pretty good dinner is licking olive oil and Lawry's Seasoning Salt off your fingers.
TGIFASN (Thank God it's finally a school night)
STRONGLY DISAGREE!!! RT @WhiteHouse RT if you agree: Women should earn the same pay as men for doing the same work. Period.
Who designed your new logo, Qdoba, JOSEPH STALIN??? pic.twitter.com/LDfT3jzzKx
No, YOU forgot a conference call because you went swimming.
Imma let you finish "Modern Family," but "Veep" is the best TV comedy.
More recent, please. RT @DavidYazbek I'm an Emmy-winner. #EmmyWinner
If any Emmy winners want to come to my after-party, I'm at an inexpensive rental apartment in Norwalk, CT.
You're a dear friend. RT @JakeBasner I once waved to you from a 7-11 in Saginaw as @mshowalter bought cigarettes.
And you are... ? RT @toddbarry Am I a dear friend?
Chelsea is a dear friend. RT @NotoriousRoxy Do you know @ChelseaVPeretti?
Al is a dear friend. RT @mjv1975 You looked great as Weird Al
My annual reminder that I know a lot of the Emmy nominees and winners. It's a real honor for you guys to follow me.
It was a hard gig for me to turn down, but I think @sethmeyers was a great back-up choice to host the Emmys. Good luck, buddy!
If I don't win an Emmy tonight it's only because Jews don't control ENOUGH of the media.
I am now at an age where I am unable to distinguish between beauty and youth.
Just rated everybody at this departure gate by coolness: I am second.
"IFC Buys Brothel Comedy From Jamie Denbo, Kerri Kenney & Chelsea Handler."😉deadline.com/2014/08/ifc-bu…L
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
"What I've Learned from Two Years Collecting Data on Police Killings" gawker.com/what-ive-learn…
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
For people not in the industry: "sat" means "Saturday" MT @jaketapper Sat trucks, Baptist Church parking lot twitpic.com/ear44o
You may not be able to fool all the people all the time, but if you try to fool me you should be fine.
Why does he have cum dribbling down his chin? pic.twitter.com/3PFiKASM9h
I KNOW!!! RT @manatdesk saw your icebucketchallenge and your face is kidney failure swollen.
100% guaranteed it will turn out Lee Harvey Oswald shot Suge.
To @JoshCharles, I did my ALS challenge yesterday before your nomination and donated to ALSA.org. youtube.com/watch?v=S185UN…
So frustrating. Just wrecked it BECAUSE I checked it.
So what if Floyd Mayweather can't read? At least he doesn't talk about "The Goldfinch."
I succumbed. No eyes, fat face, greasy hair. youtube.com/watch?v=S185UN… Donate at alsa.org.
Pretty sure you're wrong. MT @OceanBoyD Racism is Far from over Brother. You just may not be aware of the many different type of racism.
Blocked. RT @marksnatchko prob out spending their welfare checks.
Second quiet night in Ferguson. So glad racism is over.