Just realized you can't sing "Let's Call The Whole Thing Off" using tahini instead of tomatoes b/c everybody says tahini the same way! RT!!!
I know they get a lot of grief, but secretly we all think wine spritzers were a pretty good idea, right?
People talk about chickens coming home to roost like it's a bad thing, but I think it sounds heartwarming.
New "MATES" now posted. It's out of this world! nerdist or itunes.
One of the most unfortunate things regarding our current political situation is Mitch McConnell's face.
How did Daft Punk go from something nobody cares about to something everybody cares about? They're like the new avian flu.
I don't believe in folk wisdom because people are fucking stupid.
For a couple magical weeks each year, I learn and forget the names of the horse races that make up The Triple Crown.
3D printing incorrectly assumes that I WANT to fix broken things instead of just complaining about them.
Michael Ian Black Tweets About 3D Printing - Our Response on3dprinting.com/2013/05/18/mic… #3dprinting @michaelianblack
There is full and there is fucking starving to death. There is nothing else.
Several articles tell me how great 3D printing will be because it will allow me to make "missing game pieces." Great.
So excited about 3D printer technology and yet I can't think of a single thing I would want to make.
My "Star Trek" review: "Into Darkness" starts at Warp Factor 5 and never slows down! Set phasers for phun!
(It was okay.)
How many calories does weighing myself burn?
Seeing "Star Trek" tonight, which will almost certainly result in me complaining about "Star Trek" tomorrow.
Is anybody else freaking out about the asteroid that's supposed to hit Earth tomorrow?
"Gross" - me, thinking about pretty much everything.
Shut up. RT @alexcschaefer
yes. Star Trek 2, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, & 12 did not have destroyed a Enterprise
Has there ever been a "Star Trek" movie in which the Enterprise is not destroyed? It is the most poorly built spaceship ever.
I just hope this murder case doesn't make things harder for other hatchet-wielding homeless drifters.
What is the point of men with blonde hair?
I know I win some and lose some, but can somebody please tell me how many?
Never once have I anticipated the waiter asking if I want fresh ground pepper, and when he does ask, I always need to think about it.
ATLANTA: watch me shake my ass. 5/30-6/1. theimprovatlanta.com fb.me/2oTDsU58p
After Slate's compassionate article "Pictures of People Who Mock Me," you can click to read "10 Ugliest Celebrities." bit.ly/15Htgjt
INTERVIEW: Michael Ian Black, Sketch Comedian, and Feminist Poet. fb.me/243kzyoBY
My only regret, and it is a HUGE regret, in tweeting for Dos Equis, is that I somehow misspelled the word "paid." bit.ly/16lcsA7
My wife asks, "Why are you in such a good mood?" In my house, this is an accusation.
One thing about incredible guitar solos is that I mostly just want them to end.
I am in this show. PLEASE rethink this tag. RT @UsAndThemFOX
when two people finally come together, they never come together alone
On a special @AlmostHumanFOX
make out a little bit and it's okay.
youre on a new fox show and so is @michaelianblack
so its okay to make out a little
Somebody please tell @minkakelly
that she's on a new Fox show and I am too so it's okay to make out a little bit.
EDIT: "Dick" should not be capitalized. Please rewrite. RT @MartyBooms
A Dick telling another Dick to not be a Dick when being a Dick.
Delicious, isn't it? RT @enigmacunundrum
the irony of you wanting others to be decent when so often you are not.
If a Twitterer you like spends a year or two writing a book - A BOOK - then uses Twitter to promote it, have the decency not to be a dick.
At the lovely @ParkRoadBooks
for my event and so far it's just me and the adorable sales girls. Ego in check. C'mon down Charlotte. Anyone?
AMBER ALERT: BLOCKED RT @theRealDaveBabb
AMBER ALERT!!! @michaelianblack
has lost his talent for humor. It was last seen about 15 years ago.
NYC: I will be reading short stories as part of "Selected Shorts" with @bdwong
, Simon Rich, and Patricia Marx. 5/22. bit.ly/YX8ZET
It's just I try and I try and I put up with A LOT and then when I do something REALLY important (touching Angie Harmon's hair) I get NOTHING
The other important part of me touching Angie Harmon's hair is I only did it so I could tweet about it and you fuckers don't even care!
Great point. No, it was her back-of-head hairs. RT @CWBrodersen
Well to be fair you didn't specify if it was the BANGS!! #BangTouch
A legitimately confusing lack of interest from people regarding the fact that I touched Angie Harmon's hair.
In case you missed it earlier: sneak peek at a sketch from NAKED! by @michaelianblack
, illus by me: bit.ly/18M9lQj
DOUBLE AMBER ALERT: I JUST TOUCHED ANGIE HARMON'S HAIR
After two kids, I guess it's too late for me to get a preventative double vasectomy.