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Michael Ian Black
Can't honestly say I'm all about that bass, but I do enjoy a big, fat ass.
Head of the Secret Service has resigned. Mr. Magoo to succeed her.
There's a really funny show called "BEEF" coming soon created by @michaelianblack @JoeLoTruglio Join me in asking #WheresTheBeef?
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Yay, thrilled re: starred review for NAKED! in The Bulletin of the Center for Children's Books! bit.ly/10lqGzQ @michaelianblack
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My hate fucking hours are 3-5 today.
Up at 7:00 am reading about how to clean marble because punk rock will never die.
What age is too old to be considered a wunderkind? I am 43.
Don't think they have more than 5. Probably different band. RT @HorfMcGorf they are fucking amazing. Especially their first five albums.
Have you guys heard the band Metallica (sp?) They are good.
You think it's cool being "plugged in" to the net? Try plugging into your own feelings and emotions!
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Maybe just postpone the trip to Liberia for a while, guys.
Maybe it's Ebola or maybe it's Maybelline.
Just got my DNA testing back: 0% Dothraki. 😞
#ManhattanLoveStory TONIGHT 8:30 ABC! Just a taste of me tonight but the show is funnneee! Plus more and more of moi every week!
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Pretty excited that my wife texted me at 5:00 am to ask a question about the TV.
Isn't It Ironic came on when I was eating ham at the Dusseldorf airport.
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I honestly feel like I would have been just as good a ballplayer as Derek Jeter if I had his talent, drive, focus, training, and DNA.
Proud to be voice of my gentrification. #firstclass
.@michaelianblack the city lay velvet blue / save for the mothlight glow / of a diner off I-235, west wichita / they called the light dennys
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Wanna feel old? Incoming college freshmen this year have never lived in a world where all anyone ever eats is bees.
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I don't read much poetry but I'd probably read one called "Shift Change at Denny's," no matter the length.
LAW TIP: He should've just said the 2nd one. RT @Gothamist FBI Arrests Man Who Says He Likes Child Torture Porn, Sex With Stuffed Animals.
Just checked the "27 New Billionaires List" on CNN. Wasn't on it.
Today I am trying to keep it real. The way I am doing this is by yelling "Bullshit" while watching "Finding Bigfoot."
Granted, I've never seen it, but the ads for that Blacklist show make me think it's "dark" the same way that Thomas Kinkade made "art"
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October 1st is the day all Victoria's Secrets becomes Halloween costume shops.
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No phone charger, phone at 5%. If that isn't the beginning of an incredible Liam Neeson movie, I don't know what is.
Blah, blah, preorder FOOD: A LOVE STORY b4 9/30 and you get this placemat. Info @ jimgaffigan.com. I love you. pic.twitter.com/VNlUZWfndR
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Not trying to brag, but within three minutes of getting home I was in my pajamas, in bed, with a new pint of ice cream at my side.
Two chocolate chip cookies for breakfast? No, that would be stupid. Three.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And if you DO, don't say anything either. Basically, shut up.
Think I just started decomposing.
Just overheard this LA sentence: "By any measure I dated one of the ones who was ACTUALLY trying to put herself through college." 😞
Thrilled to be in LA and overhearing people at this dumpy Mexican restaurant having an earnest conversation about reality television metrics
Hey @TopicsCommunity tonight is the first CalArts Study Group meeting. Topic is "What Is Artists??!?" 8-9pm study group room in the library
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Guy next to me in Main Cabin Select laughing out loud to "The Other Woman." What kind of hell is this?
What happens if I have to go to the bathroom in Main Cabin Select. Is there a toilet or do I squat over a hole in the airplane floor?
IDEA: Pizza Airlines - terrible, uncomfortable seats BUT free, unlimited pizza.
TERRIBLE NEWS: not flying #firstclass as I had thought. I am in Main Cabin Select, which is like getting the best room at the Motel 6.
SPORTSFACT: Derek Jeter will be missed. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
A heads-up for everybody: I will be flying #firstclass tomorrow morning. As usual, I will #payitforward.
It's simple: the more food you keep in your jeans pockets the more keeping food in your jeans pockets becomes socially acceptable.
One of the blessings of having kids is the ability to compare ourselves to them, and to know, at their age, we were so much cooler.
THE reunion you’ve all been waiting for! #TheState together on stage only at @FestivalSupreme! festivalsupreme.com