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Michael Ian Black
PRO TIP FOR BANDS: If you feel your song title needs parenthesis, change the song title.
As always on days of remembrance, please follow @JoeMande, who is doing the important work.
Thirteenth anniversary of 9/11. By the fifteenth, expect to see car and appliance sales.
Oct issue of @VanityFair has an INCREDIBLE feature on @simonsam that you will not forget written by @Merrillmarkoe.
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Long overdue appreciation of @KenMarino’s wonderful movie “Diggers.”…
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Pretty sure the iPhone 6 will be the model that finally makes me happy.
Not sure how do I say this so that it doesn't sound like I'm bragging, but I can crack my big toe just by wiggling it.
My son and I just passed a milestone. We now use the same acne medication.
Congrats to my old friend @Thezog on celebrating 10 years of his comedy show #Sweet!!! Way to go Seth!!
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Please direct all press inquiries regarding the return of "Mike and Tom Eat Snacks" to Mates Worldwide Headquarters.
CRITICALLY IMPORTANT: "Mike and Tom Eat Snacks" is back!… Or Ahoy Maties.
ROYAL FUN FACT: If the new royal baby is a boy, he will be third in line of succession. If it is a girl they will throw her in a dumpster.
SPORTSFACT: Al Michaels is still alive. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
Just started bleeding out of the nostril I WASN'T picking!!! #nosestigmata #ebola
SPORTSFACT: Over 85% of all current NFL players are male. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
If bacon drippings took human form, they would be Joel Osteen.
Insomnia. Conducting a 5-7 min. AMA on Chatbox. To join:…
Saturday night and I'm gettin' my white guilt on.
Sometimes my hands are sticky and I DON'T KNOW WHY!
Just had this unbidden thought as I looked out the window. "The sun is setting... on my life."
Shut up. RT @WillCMoore slate isn't mined, it's quarried
My wife and I are fighting over a pool table. "First world problems?" Maybe, but without us, pool table slate miners would be out of work.
Well guys, another productive day of ribbing society down the tubes. Be good to each other. But not TOO good!!! #LOL
They never really addressed the issue of Clifford the Big Red Dog's turds, did they?
About to meet a friend for coffee like a goddamned normie.
SPORTSFACT: The 2014-15 NFL season will feature touchdown scoring. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
At least she's already embalmed.
"Comedy is about making everybody laugh & deal with things. My mother is deaf, u stupid sonovabitch."… #RIPJoanRivers
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Did not want it to happen this way or this soon, but I am ready to step into Joan Rivers' shoes. Loved her.
Tweet of the century. RT @nmorel87 ISIS don't have the balls to come to my house.
See? There's doubt! RT @Gothamist Scientists 99.999% Certain Catastrophic Climate Change Is Our Fault…
A guy at the auto shop called me "bud" ten times in a three minute conversation and now I feel like I've been molested.
"Now I lay me down to sleep"? How about "I'm going to bed."
SCIENCE: It is physically impossible to look away while your sandwich is being made at Subway.
Just found out "sleeping your way to the top" has nothing to do with napping.
Yes, I had to watch it on the news. RT @BrianaLech were you affected by the BP oil spill??
Now accepting contributions from the oil and gas industry.
Jennifer Lawrence's nudes are the new Kony.
I don't know, ISIS, I feel like Al-Qaeda had a little more panache. You are Lady Gaga to Osama Bin Laden's Madonna.