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Michael Ian Black
Two chocolate chip cookies for breakfast? No, that would be stupid. Three.
If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. And if you DO, don't say anything either. Basically, shut up.
Think I just started decomposing.
Just overheard this LA sentence: "By any measure I dated one of the ones who was ACTUALLY trying to put herself through college." 😞
Thrilled to be in LA and overhearing people at this dumpy Mexican restaurant having an earnest conversation about reality television metrics
Hey @TopicsCommunity tonight is the first CalArts Study Group meeting. Topic is "What Is Artists??!?" 8-9pm study group room in the library
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Guy next to me in Main Cabin Select laughing out loud to "The Other Woman." What kind of hell is this?
What happens if I have to go to the bathroom in Main Cabin Select. Is there a toilet or do I squat over a hole in the airplane floor?
IDEA: Pizza Airlines - terrible, uncomfortable seats BUT free, unlimited pizza.
TERRIBLE NEWS: not flying #firstclass as I had thought. I am in Main Cabin Select, which is like getting the best room at the Motel 6.
SPORTSFACT: Derek Jeter will be missed. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
A heads-up for everybody: I will be flying #firstclass tomorrow morning. As usual, I will #payitforward.
It's simple: the more food you keep in your jeans pockets the more keeping food in your jeans pockets becomes socially acceptable.
One of the blessings of having kids is the ability to compare ourselves to them, and to know, at their age, we were so much cooler.
THE reunion you’ve all been waiting for! #TheState together on stage only at @FestivalSupreme!
Pre-bed gelato consumed. Let the self-loathing rocking self to sleep commence.
Hello, I'm the asshole who reads a recipe in the New York Times and then makes it.
Just spatchcocked my first chicken. It went okay.
Already napped so what the fuck do I have to look forward to until bed?
The most outrageous part of the @LatteSalute is that it was decaf.
Pretty psyched to stare at my computer screen all day.
"Mandy" just came on the radio and I did not lift a finger to turn it off.
Honestly never thought this would happen, but I just a very upsetting call from the Obamacare Death Panel. :(
Best way to stop shitty people from winning elections is to vote for not-shitty people.
Listen, stupid - if you love comedy, you love @iamandreamartin. And you will love her book. Don't be stupid, stupid.
Worried my rock hard abs are diminishing my gravitas.
Watching "Friends." And you know what? They ARE there for me.
SPORTSFACT: Many football fans resemble footballs. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
Sponsored by eating too much.
@NerdistDotCom: Here, a new Mike and Tom Eat Snacks, presented by Mr. @michaelianblack & Mr. @CavanaghTom:” "Mr"??
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
My kids will be home from school soon. So that sucks.
Fuck: the song "Flashdance" just came on the radio, so now I have to skip aerobically across the living room floor.
@michaelianblack @NotDrunk1124 My name is #GloriaSunshine many people in this World respect me and call me that. I'm Human Being.
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
Prob'ly RT @NotDrunk1124 my name is actually Amy & I'm wondering if I tweeted some unacknowledged feelings just then? I feel so confused now
Who is Amy? RT @NotDrunk1124 could you suck amy harder?
WTF? Some guy just told me my yacht isn't technically a super yacht.
I'm told the link to the new "Mike and Tom Eat Snacks" isn't working. If you prefer:…
Hey man, I don't know what you THINK you saw, but I definitely did NOT just go online and order an ostrich egg holder.
No, YOU shut up. RT @rumboscaff shut up dude
Didn't watch much football today, so to make up for it, I smacked some kids around.
Oh nothing, just gazing at my library ladder.
Dog breeder is the perfect job for someone who likes to pair up dogs and make them fuck.
Retweeted by Michael Ian Black
SPORTSFACT: It all comes down to turnovers. Follow this account for more #sportsfacts
Can't tell if people are angrier at Ray Rice for beating up his girlfriend or U2 for giving away their new album.