On a client call where apparently we have nothing more pressing to discuss than the Indians' chances this year, but hey, it's billable.
If companies were honest, 83.65% of business card job titles would be “Email Sender.”
Every time she opens her mouth it's another scope creep. We need her to take a vacation, just so we can finish this project.
If there's a "fire drill" on your account every single week, it's time to start managing your client instead of just agreeing to everything.
If only Microsoft Clippy had been more assertive... pic.twitter.com/Q9idFLsXLR
Any statement that starts "I don't want to tell you how to do your job" should end right there with you shutting your damned mouth.
I only have two meetings today, but they are both during lunch.
Up until 5:00 watching Netflix. Is "addicted to a new show" a valid excuse for calling in sick?
: Liar Liar, Powerpoints on fire!
News of a hated boss being fired only gets better with the retelling.
Look, buddy, if all you needed was a calculator, why did you make the company buy you an $800 iPad? pic.twitter.com/QAUSe60RHN
Give a man a PowerPoint and you've lied to him today; teach a man PowerPoint and he can lie for a lifetime.
Boss keeps saying "divide and conquer" as though he plans to actually do some work. Won't last. His share will be on our plates by Monday.
Calling it "the daily huddle" doesn't change the fact that it's a meeting. And the worst kind of meeting, a standing daily meeting.
If the choice is lie or fudge the numbers to make them look good, the boss always lies because it's just as risky and a lot less work.
Client wants the new campaign to "innovate cautiously", which means "I want to be edgy, but will only approve the same old tired crap".
No news spreads faster among current and former employees than the firing of a hated manager.
I've already heard "value-add" 12 times and it's only 9:30.
: My manager won't let us use pyramids because they're "her thing". A template made by Microsoft is "her thing". Ok.
: Was just asked to express all ideas in my PPT using triangles. Why? A senior exec likes them. A lot.
My colleague who fell asleep is in trouble and not the guy who took 80 slides to explain what anyone else could in 10.
There's so much jargon withe this client that it's almost like they've created their own language.
Is there a Hallmark card to thank someone for scheduling a last minute meeting during lunch?
: On a conference call. Someone on it fell asleep without muting and is snoring.
"Managing expectations" is so last year. Now all the self-important corporate say "we need to do some level-setting".
Oh, stop. If you "can't do my job without my 3-hole punch", you don't have a job that really needs doing.
You don't tell your doctor to have a positive attitude and only say yes, and yet people treat the legal department that exact way!
Thanks to the magic of buzzwords and stock photos, the boss took my 4-sentence explanation and made 14 PowerPoint slides.
Having popcorn in the office without enough to share is almost as bad as burnt popcorn in the office.
I'm sorry. I can't do business with anyone who only supports IE 5.5 and Netscape 7.0. pic.twitter.com/tmlmCc5VyJ
A morning pep talk before we've had a chance to get coffee. Really? This is the best you've got?
I called the police, but they refuse to arrest my boss for stealing credit no matter how many emails I have proving it.
You could make slides 50-70 blank because by then everyone will be asleep or checking Twitter on their phone.
Billions of cicadas are set to overrun the East Coast, but, no, you can't call in "cicada" to skip a day of work.
Staples is now selling 3D printers so you can add an extra dimension of boredom when printing out a PowerPoint presentation.
Facebook made the Fortune 500 list, which irritating people all over the corporate world will use to justify being even more annoying.
No, I'm not going to encrypt your flash drive; NO ONE WANTS TO STEAL YOUR STUPID POWERPOINTS!
GOP introducing bill so that instead of overtime pay now employees get time off later, maybe, subject to supervisor approval and favoritism.
The purpose of a "whitepaper" isn't to impart information; it's to collect your name for the sales department.
I have 6 meetings scheduled for tomorrow, and my boss wonders why I don't get more done.
I had to bring home work this weekend, but I intend to make up for it by doing a crappy job.
Note to my fans: I am a contributor @assholeofday
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In case you missed it: My rant about Positive Attitude, Seth Godin, and Yes-Men from earlier this week: meetingboy.com/post/494486748…
The best part the boss criticizing someone for "not showing leadership" is how it's so vague that it can't be argued with or disproven.
You know how you click a video and see it's 7 minutes and then leave without watching? Well, your 84-slide PowerPoint has the same effect.
Remember to enter your timesheets for April before leaving today. We need to bill clients for all the hours we wasted for them last month.
I don't care how many more meetings you hold on this, there are NO LEGITIMATE REASONS to film a mayonnaise commercial in Romania.
I have a handoff meeting and a kickoff meeting, so I'm hoping the afternoon meeting will be a take-a-knee-and-run-out-the-clock meeting.
Fuck You and the Positive Attitude You Rode In On, Seth Godin: meetingboy.com/post/494486748…