Sending a work email on a Sunday is just posturing. You don't REALLY want a answers so you work on that PowerPoint now. #assholeoftheday
My niece is using PowerPoint in the 6th grade, but the teacher says she's already "lying at a 10th grade level."
Something I wrote was published in The New Yorker this week. It's only 12 words. Please check it out! contest.newyorker.com/CaptionContest…
I have 8 voicemails from some drunk guy this morning, but at least none of them are from work.
A girl in the office calls it 'The Google' I can't do this anymore, if she says it one more time then I fear for her life.
We don't do great work here. We have clients with opinions, so we're lucky to not do crappy work.
No project is really over until everyone is beyond sick of it because of all the cockamamie changes from the client.
: "The requirements are exactly the same as last time, just with some changes."
If you guessed that 100% of business people who say "orders of magnitude" understand what it means, you'd be off by two orders of magnitude.
The GOP altered #Benghazi
emails to fit their narrative, so now the boss is asking how to alter emails to hide his role in this debacle.
What's the job number for printer delays because you didn't click the PRINT button in Print Audit? I've got 3 hours this month.
No, not TBTF_Bank_2013_plan-final.ppt. I need the FINAL one-- TBTF_Bank_2013_plan-final-final_r4.ppt.
Two plus two equals four. There's no way to change the answer just because "I promised the client seven."
They printed out 7 copies of the presentation even though only 6 people attended the meeting. The extra copy must be for Elijah.
: Should we take advice on how IT should be done from people who can't manage to send their own Outlook meeting requests?
: If I can hear every word of a conference call on the train, can I ask her for a billing code and bill my time too?
Account director likes to call in from home for what he calls "early morning conference calls", and apparently 10:30 is "early morning".
No, please refer to my job again as "a bunch of jibber-jabber". I love being marginalized!
Saying "scale" is an impressive way to say 100,000 which also lets the listener think maybe it means 10,000,000.
The new business cards are out and there's still a fax number on it. I'm not even sure where the fax machine is in this building.
No, I didn't call you a moron; I said your plan was moronic.
How did office workers lie to each other before PowerPoint?
"Get started on it right away. We'll get you the actual requirements and signed contract later."
On a client call where apparently we have nothing more pressing to discuss than the Indians' chances this year, but hey, it's billable.
If companies were honest, 83.65% of business card job titles would be “Email Sender.”
Every time she opens her mouth it's another scope creep. We need her to take a vacation, just so we can finish this project.
If there's a "fire drill" on your account every single week, it's time to start managing your client instead of just agreeing to everything.
If only Microsoft Clippy had been more assertive... pic.twitter.com/Q9idFLsXLR
Any statement that starts "I don't want to tell you how to do your job" should end right there with you shutting your damned mouth.
I only have two meetings today, but they are both during lunch.
Up until 5:00 watching Netflix. Is "addicted to a new show" a valid excuse for calling in sick?
: Liar Liar, Powerpoints on fire!
News of a hated boss being fired only gets better with the retelling.
Look, buddy, if all you needed was a calculator, why did you make the company buy you an $800 iPad? pic.twitter.com/QAUSe60RHN
Give a man a PowerPoint and you've lied to him today; teach a man PowerPoint and he can lie for a lifetime.
Boss keeps saying "divide and conquer" as though he plans to actually do some work. Won't last. His share will be on our plates by Monday.
Calling it "the daily huddle" doesn't change the fact that it's a meeting. And the worst kind of meeting, a standing daily meeting.
If the choice is lie or fudge the numbers to make them look good, the boss always lies because it's just as risky and a lot less work.
Client wants the new campaign to "innovate cautiously", which means "I want to be edgy, but will only approve the same old tired crap".
No news spreads faster among current and former employees than the firing of a hated manager.
I've already heard "value-add" 12 times and it's only 9:30.
: My manager won't let us use pyramids because they're "her thing". A template made by Microsoft is "her thing". Ok.
: Was just asked to express all ideas in my PPT using triangles. Why? A senior exec likes them. A lot.
My colleague who fell asleep is in trouble and not the guy who took 80 slides to explain what anyone else could in 10.
There's so much jargon withe this client that it's almost like they've created their own language.
Is there a Hallmark card to thank someone for scheduling a last minute meeting during lunch?
: On a conference call. Someone on it fell asleep without muting and is snoring.
"Managing expectations" is so last year. Now all the self-important corporate say "we need to do some level-setting".
Oh, stop. If you "can't do my job without my 3-hole punch", you don't have a job that really needs doing.
You don't tell your doctor to have a positive attitude and only say yes, and yet people treat the legal department that exact way!