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Brenton Carter
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My social life at the moment is being excited for the new Game of Thrones episode that comes out of fridays.
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I still wonder if that bitch ever moved out of Ludacris' way.
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How was the red sea made? Over a very long period..
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summer is real cute until every type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell
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This is a "A" and "B" conversation so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G".
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I'd rather have Samuel L Jackson narrate my life. ...No offense, Morgan Freeman.. My life requires multiple uses of the word motherfucker
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Sorry, I can't hangout. My uncle's cousin's sister in law's best friend's insurance agent's roommate's pet goldfish drowned. It was tragic.
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Juggling soap in prison because you are a fearless bastard.
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I hate it when i meow at cats and they dont meow back. Unbelievably rude.
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A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless its 3am. And you're home alone. And you dont have a baby
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Dear girls that go tanning, it's called 'sunkissed', it's not called 'dorito raped'.
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Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"
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How I see dogs: Beagle, german shepherd, poodle, labrador. How I see cats: Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat.
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You + me = perfection. Just kidding, you're a piece of shit.
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Stop complaining about being single. We have bigger problems here. Like why McDonald’s doesn’t serve breakfast after 10:30.
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All I'm saying is, I've never seen my ex and Satan in the same room together..
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When I clean my room: 1% Cleaning. 29% Complaining. 70% Playing with stuff I just found.
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Teacher: "If you have 10 chocolate cakes and someone asks for 2, how many do you have left?" Me: "10."
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Me: Can I go to the restroom? Teacher: What for? Me: TO OPEN THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS, BITCH WHAT DO YOU THINK?!
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I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?
I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
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My car runs on gas, not friendship. So pay the fuck up.
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I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.
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Imagine Alicia keys complaining in a super market "THIS MILK IS EXPIIIIIIIIIIIRRRRRREEEEEEDD"
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I’ve got 99 problems and 86 of them are completely made up scenarios in my head that I'm stressing about for absolutely no logical reason.
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Great results, awesome rewards just for searching with Bing. Join @BingRewards! I'll get a nice bonus too: go.microsoft.com/?linkid=977871…
I'm awkward when people compliment me. "Nice hair" Me: Thanks, I grew it myself
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I don't hate school. I just hate the teachers, homework, exams, and waking up in the morning.
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Me opening the fridge: "Baby you light up my world like nobody else."
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Whoa, that was close... I almost gave a fuck.
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If you're not suppose to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
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they call me macklemore in math class because im like: what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what what
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Girls wear far too much photoshop these days.
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That moment when you pour a bowl of cereal and realize there's no milk so you sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people.
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I sprayed mosquito repellent on a mosquito. Now he’ll never have any friends...
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Dear vegetarians... If you're trying to save the animals, why are you eating their food?
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People: "You're so quiet." Me: "THAT'S BECAUSE I DONT FUCKING LIKE YOU."
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Girls go around the kitchen like Pacman when they're on their period.
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Did you sit in sugar because you got a sweet ass.
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Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. -Mark Twain
Please, for the love of God, nobody retweet this.
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You know you're drunk when your dinner is all stuff you got at CVS.
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Telling a girl to calm down works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.
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Nothing lasts forever. So live it up, drink it down, laugh it out, avoid the bullshit, take chances, and never have regrets.
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The biggest mistake I have made in my life is letting people stay in my life far longer than they deserve to.
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