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Doober Pooberton
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You know which bird would be really good at twitter? Tweety Bird.
When someone rolls up to the party wearing the same thing as you pic.twitter.com/fwi38ewhc7
[wanting to be cool while trying to connect with stepson] "alright stop collaborate and listen, why don't you and your stepfather go fishin"
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"Owlright, owlright, owlright!" - Matthew Mcconaowl
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Jagged Little Pill was my first CD. A compact disc was a plastic disc where digital info was stored b4 snapchatting your b-hole was invented
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The mcrib is back? Then shouldn't it be called the mcback?
Paranormal Activity 17: the extra blanket in a hotel room grows legs and does a little dance
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[at a gas station] i love this. i love gas.
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hey i'm goin on a quick coffee run before the meeting, anyone want anything, i plan on never returning again, 2 lattes, you got it, farewell
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*homeless person trying desperately to get out of talking to me without being rude*
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My mom already asked me to make a Christmas list so I did pic.twitter.com/D8wSnTflst
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Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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Sorry I can't make it, I'm busy trying to plug something in from an awkward angle.
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*looking at the great pyramids of Giza* These aren't that great, the ones I drew just now would be way bigger.
(in jay leno voice) I have a huge chin you guys hear about this
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[reflecting on past] "Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?" *gestures at everything* "All of this is wrong."
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.@SUBWAY 3 of the last 4 subs I've ordered were upside down when I unwrapped them
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"Goodbye, everybody," I say as I crawl under the bed. The monster I feared in childhood is waiting for me. I take its hand.
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"Hey kid. Want to see a dead body?" I say to my grandson as the darkness swallows my vision.
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*sees a girl reading Everybody Poops* Oh I love that book. I love the way *clenches fist* everybody frickin poops
*goes poop* hell yeah *goes diarrhea* OH HELL YEAH
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some asshole kid just picked up a stick from my lawn and walked off with it. that was my stick pal
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THE FRIGIDAIRE OVEN IS BEAUTIFUL BUT THE WAY IT'S BOXED, ONE SIDE IS ALWAYS DENTED. THANKSGIVING IS COMING... FRIGIDAIRE, CAN YOU HELP ??
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yo fuck your star wars jokes. erik estrada just ordered his 7th dented oven and it's the funniest thing on earth right now
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my favorite sushi restaurant 🍣🍣🍣pic.twitter.com/j1Oi189IGl89IGl
"Woa, that's a lot of words" I think to myself as I don't read your tweet.
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I, Dane Danzie Doober Pooberton, would like to personally and sincerely invite you to follow my great friend Adam Crouch (@TheHoshuah) #ff
*types into WebMD* Fever, pain, new marks on skin, lotsa tumors, cancer cells in blood webMD: cancer. Me: nbd they say everything is cancer
2 dogs walk into a Bar: "we should call this a Bark"
If dogs ate breakfast food they would eat barkon and woofles
Bob Barker, it's like Bob Barker, but he's a dog.
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If Bob Barker was a dog, his name would be Bob Barker
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If Charles Barkley was a dog his name would be Charles Barkley
If dogs were stock brokers they would run the stock barket
The quickest way to win any argument is to have the worst smelling breath
So, while you dweeb-asses were like taking shits or whatever, I ate lunch with@daneZie. Turns out, his real name is Chad, and he loves asada
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FORGET EVERYTHING YOU THOUGHT YOU KNEW ABOUT DEMENTIA
When ur homie has an above ground pool pic.twitter.com/GcShc1vYaH
Retweet if you didn't vote today >>>>>>>>
Sorry I haven't been tweeting a lot lately. I've been busy following these guys up and down the escalator. pic.twitter.com/UqB0MFHDrM