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Doober Pooberton
Scarface's original line was "say goodbye to your big enemy" but they decided to go a different direction
@daneZie And in 2005, Mitt refused to do a a SB Cheesesteak bet with Ed Rendell because they have "no nutritive value" (his quote)
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Weird to thiink that a bunch of people that used to be alive are dead now
That moment when you find out ur dad has a twitter
Can't wait until Bucky Isotope is named the next member of Blink 182
IRON MAN: *blasts villain with beams* THOR: *swings mighty hammer and creates a storm* CAPTAIN AMERICA: America! Yeah! Hell yeah!
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when i die please throw my ashes off a large cliff onto a nude beach
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It's a blessing and a curse that my 'I want to die a thousand deaths' face also looks like my 'please keep talking' face
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It's like each tweet with the punchline "I have a boyfriend" keeps getting better and better πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
Sorry, can't talk. I'm putting the lime in the coconut.
The best way to silence the hecklers during your stand up routine is to stop talking and leave
I would like to buy Mitt Romney a taco, just to see how he would eat it
Did I tell you guys one time I applied for a job at KFC and they called me back and said they wanted to go in a different direction?
Hacked again! Sometimes I wish I never grew up on 12,345,678th Street with a dog named Password.
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One of my favorite NBA players is in this restaurant right by me my heart is pounding and he smells wonderful
This next one is for allllllll the ladies
Y'all muthafuckas can't even HANDLE my eBay feedback score right now!!!
what if, now bear with me here, what if u all shut up
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*calls you two days after a massive cocaine binge* hey, I was serious about opening that restaurant
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Turned on Creedence Clearwater Revival and long story short I'm on a helicopter in Vietnam now
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Thomas Edison: "I invented the lightbulb" Me: *rolls eyes and does jack off motion*
Crazy that this is the Goodyear blimp that will cover the patriots in the super bowl this year
Nothing about egg rolls make sense to me
*Jon Stewart visits neighborhood he grew up in* "Look at this shitty ass town I lived in" *me looking out window* hey look, it's Jon Stewart
Have I told you guys I revolutionized the way we put dishes into the drawers straight out of the dishwasher?
"Why didn't those people leave New Orleans when the government told them to? Why weren't they more prepared?"
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Hi there -- so pleased to meet you! I'm Sexy Sausage Boy. Haha, I know right? I'm named after my mom.
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(To the tune of Sweet Emotion) Sweeeeeaaaaaaattttt emoooooooooooojiiiiii 😰
I would give a message to my haters, but I can't seem to find anybody that doesn't find me absolutely delightful!
You guys are great, thank you for making my birthday special yesterday!!!
A cat's favorite country is Purrru
Whenever someone's robbing my house, I pretend I'm robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
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"yeah of course I can paint your ceiling." Michelangelo scoffed to himself, "gonna paint a bunch of dudes with they dick outs on it tho"
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If I had a time machine I could cook a roast in like, 2 seconds!
For the price of a cup of coffee a day, you can help save a child in nee...oh you went with coffee again ok let's try this again tomorrow
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barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
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TV show director: "Look, I appreciate the enthusiasm, but we add the beeps that cover up the swear words later"
Β°in jailΒ° Cop: you get 1 phone call Me: can I use the "cell" phone? Cop: i get it like a jail cell lol thats pretty good get out of here you
@daneZie hey Dan. Did you know when Canadians play childhood police-themed games it's called Cops and Robrrrrrs
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