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And so then I says to that whale, "buddy, I need a blowhole like I need a hole in the head"
Advisors vow to bobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobbo
Good morning, my mouth tastes like I won an ass-eating contest at Coney Island
The dodo bird went extinct because it was a stupid piece of shit
A Guernseyman has caught the Channel Island's biggest anchovie. We'll hear from angler Jerry Cobb at 8:40
I can't wait to not see TRAINWRECK. I'm going to not see the fuck out of that thing.
If I make enough Pro-Trump minion memes, he will win the presidency
When u hear the pop tarts are ready
I'm sorry honey, but I forbid you to keep dating that bread.
But daddy, I loave him!
Found a body in the woods and, just my luck, we're wearing the same outfit
If you want to look really important carry the president around in your arms.
Whats going on with mycareer
Armadillos don't even have any arms. If anything they should be called legadillos
Guys, type 58008 into a calculator and then turn it upside down. You won't believe what happens. Blow your freaking mind. Trust me
Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander drive around in a '96 Dodge Viper arguing about which one of them played Jerry Seinfeld on 'Seinfeld.'
when u in ur happy place but then u remember uve alienated all ur loved ones
im at a party with 3 dogs im so nervous what if they dont like me
"Hi, I'm Frederick Nietzsche and its nice to meetcha" - Frederick Nietzsche
Ok ok that's mackleplenty out of you buddy
[ordering cake over phone]
"and what would you like the cake to say?"
[covers phone to ask wife]
"do we want a talking cake?"
One thing I've learned about having your pants covered in barbeque sauce at work is you look good & you smell good, but you FEEL great.
Simon and Garfield
My favorite scene in ET is where ET makes the kid smell his weird dick finger
help im trapped in an egg lol just kidding its me sean
Mayor McCheese was a soft-on-crime democrat which is why the Hamburglar never faced justice
Didn't ask any questions at Home Depot. So knowledgable. Everyone there was impressed. I was the Hardware King. I got the wrong kind of bolt
I would win that show "The biggest loser" if it was a show about who's the biggest loser
Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, and David Spade re-unite again for more laughs in Grown-Ups 2. ow.ly/qtDjH
I'll never recover
I bought the only selfie stick that was long enough to fit your mom in the picture
I got this real weird text from President Obama today lol
saturday night and we in the spot! Dont believe me just watch !HEy!! [starts doing a really shitty annoying dance that pisses you off]
Iggy Azalea: I'm so fancy
Iggy Azalea's dad: nice to meet you so fancy, I'm dad
DEAR BOYS: dress like this 😍k
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Comedian: Folks back in my day a Blackberry was something you ate in a pie [drops notecards] folks... I live in my car. please help me folks
Now we're getting to the good stuff
RIP Jim Lennon
wow. rest in peace
You guys want to play cash crab?
How it feels after you've successfully worked out every day for a week straight
Frankly Sinatra, I just don't give a damn
I wonder how many weird Twitter accounts had to change their display name from trill Cosby to something else