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Good opinion haver
I killed Cecil the lion
And so then I says to that whale, "buddy, I need a blowhole like I need a hole in the head"
BREAKING NEWS: CHINAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Advisors vow to bobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobbo
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Good morning, my mouth tastes like I won an ass-eating contest at Coney Island
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The dodo bird went extinct because it was a stupid piece of shit
A Guernseyman has caught the Channel Island's biggest anchovie. We'll hear from angler Jerry Cobb at 8:40
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I can't wait to not see TRAINWRECK. I'm going to not see the fuck out of that thing.
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If I make enough Pro-Trump minion memes, he will win the presidency
When u hear the pop tarts are ready
I'm sorry honey, but I forbid you to keep dating that bread. But daddy, I loave him!
Found a body in the woods and, just my luck, we're wearing the same outfit
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If you want to look really important carry the president around in your arms.
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Armadillos don't even have any arms. If anything they should be called legadillos
Guys, type 58008 into a calculator and then turn it upside down. You won't believe what happens. Blow your freaking mind. Trust me
Jerry Seinfeld and Jason Alexander drive around in a '96 Dodge Viper arguing about which one of them played Jerry Seinfeld on 'Seinfeld.'
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when u in ur happy place but then u remember uve alienated all ur loved ones
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im at a party with 3 dogs im so nervous what if they dont like me
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"Hi, I'm Frederick Nietzsche and its nice to meetcha" - Frederick Nietzsche
Ok ok that's mackleplenty out of you buddy
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[ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"
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One thing I've learned about having your pants covered in barbeque sauce at work is you look good & you smell good, but you FEEL great.
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My favorite scene in ET is where ET makes the kid smell his weird dick finger
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help im trapped in an egg lol just kidding its me sean
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Mayor McCheese was a soft-on-crime democrat which is why the Hamburglar never faced justice
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Sam Reginald is bald
Didn't ask any questions at Home Depot. So knowledgable. Everyone there was impressed. I was the Hardware King. I got the wrong kind of bolt
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I would win that show "The biggest loser" if it was a show about who's the biggest loser
Adam Sandler, Chris Rock, Kevin James, and David Spade re-unite again for more laughs in Grown-Ups 2. ow.ly/qtDjH
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I bought the only selfie stick that was long enough to fit your mom in the picture
I got this real weird text from President Obama today lol
saturday night and we in the spot! Dont believe me just watch !HEy!! [starts doing a really shitty annoying dance that pisses you off]
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Iggy Azalea: I'm so fancy Iggy Azalea's dad: nice to meet you so fancy, I'm dad
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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Comedian: Folks back in my day a Blackberry was something you ate in a pie [drops notecards] folks... I live in my car. please help me folks
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You guys want to play cash crab?
How it feels after you've successfully worked out every day for a week straight
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Frankly Sinatra, I just don't give a damn
I wonder how many weird Twitter accounts had to change their display name from trill Cosby to something else




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