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Make sure to remind her everyday about how madly in love with her you are, because women are stupid and they are always forgetting things.
Pull my finger lol
can I borrow $5?
This seems like a weird way to advertise your weight loss clinic
Here's What It Would Look Like If Disney Princesses Were Tried For War Crimes In The Nuremberg Trials
Trying to put on fitted sheets
Could have had a V8!
Good stuff on the radio today vine.co/v/e9qXVulEYT3
Starting a band called Less Than Less Than Jake
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Thinking about getting some more nipples
Christopher Columbus didn't come to america on a boat, it was a bus. The colum bus
The Bloomin' onions at @Outback
steakhouse was fantastic !
gotta have my coffee
[in a normal speaking voice from top row of football stadium] Good luck today guys
"My wiiiiiiiives" - Mormon Borat
I think I'll start tweeting again
Lmao you guys remember the 90's? What were those? Buy my product
I guess the steelers headsets are malfunctioning again
Pour one out for the political homies
"broOM BROOM!" -a tiny witch pretending to rev up her ride
*me yelling out of a window on the top of a really tall building* OH HELL YEAH
*some guy on the sidewalk I can barely hear* hell yea
Mandy Moore never existed Mandy Moore never existed Mandy Moore never existed Mandy Moore never existed
Having burrito soup for lunch
Clifford the big red boozehound
donald trump looks like the villain in a movie where the hero is a dog
When u tryna chill but ur friend just wants to keep takin selfies
It's an Indy car race, you probably haven't heard of them
Biggest Smh of the week
Much to think about.
looks like a couple of you have accidentally hit "unfollow" next to my acount instead of "retweet".I will be in contact soon to resolve this
Banksy strikes again
whats this,, piss in my meal?? ur fired pal
And so then I says to that whale, "buddy, I need a blowhole like I need a hole in the head"
Advisors vow to bobobobobobobobobobobobobobobobbo
Good morning, my mouth tastes like I won an ass-eating contest at Coney Island
The dodo bird went extinct because it was a stupid piece of shit
A Guernseyman has caught the Channel Island's biggest anchovie. We'll hear from angler Jerry Cobb at 8:40
I can't wait to not see TRAINWRECK. I'm going to not see the fuck out of that thing.
If I make enough Pro-Trump minion memes, he will win the presidency