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Good opinion haver
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
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Comedian: Folks back in my day a Blackberry was something you ate in a pie [drops notecards] folks... I live in my car. please help me folks
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How it feels after you've successfully worked out every day for a week straight
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Frankly Sinatra, I just don't give a damn
I wonder how many weird Twitter accounts had to change their display name from trill Cosby to something else
one of my favourite memories. my pet duck walking along the great wall of china. beautiful
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Hey guys! What is a cold pirate's favorite holiday? Arrrrrrrrbrrrrrrrrr dayyyyyyy
Want to feel old? Remember alfalfa from The little Rascals? Well, here's a picture of him now!
A system of checks balances consisting of executive, legislative and judicial branches. Also they wear these hats. - The fedoral government
When u and ur homies are getting faded
If every $1 bill has once been used in a strip club that means every $1 bill is your bottom dollar
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That moment when you catch ur reflection
I keep thinking about how great an octopus could carry in my groceries!
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Dave Dittell has a good couch. Probably the best one actually.
me: I have chlamydia nearby clam: did you just call me an idiot?
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The poster for the new Mad Max sequel looks pretty good
The red wings are so good, and it is all thanks to me, the TV screamer
Ohhhhhhoowoowowowowo this is gonna be good
Steven Tyler as a pirate : "WALK THIS PLANK"
My grandma told me that she darned a pair of my socks. I was like, grandma we're all adults here, you can say that you damned my socks
Are any of you guys in San Jose?
If George Lopez was a rapper his name would be George Flo-pez
folks money is all about checks and balances. for example im checking my balance right now and i like what i see! ya gotta laugh
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Chuck Berry? Hell, I don't even think I could pick Berry up!
All i know is that jet fuel could not have melted the steel beams of the Titanic
Happy birthday to my dear friend @lionprincessval who turns 16 years old today! Happy sweet 16 val! I hope it's the trillest
To thoseof you that have been "taking baths"....ummmmm how about leaving some baths for the rest of us?
WOMAN: Got the time? ME: [holds up wrist] WOMAN: Oh you don't wear a watch? ME: Just wait [a parrot lands on my wrist] PARROT: It's 7pm
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*villain swivels chair around* We meet again Mr. Bo- *chair swivels too far* *shimmies back with feet*
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come my gravy, come come my gravy, you're my ButterballĀ®, turkey, lady
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the word poop is actually an acronym. it stands for Pooping Out Our Poop
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[at chicken barber] sorry, walked into the wrong-- actually, I'll take that one
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Good luck pranking me if your pregnant. Idiots.
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