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There's no way to be certain, but I'm pretty sure I'm alive
Gain the respect of your gf's family by picking the biggest guy there, usually her father, and kiss the hell out of him. Sorry I meant kick.
"It's okay Jimmy," I tell him as he clutches his award for cracking corn, his parents noticeably absent in the crowd, "I care"
Sure by day I am a mild mannered phone operator, but at three in the morning, I am Jake! *rips off pants revealing khakis* FROM STATE FARM
Here's a tip for bad guys. Shoot at Captain America's legs
Are you there God? It's me, hot local singles in your area.
The waiter seemed amused when I asked if the lamb would be baaaabequed and then put on a kebaaaab
I'm a joker, I'm a smoker, I'm Al Roker
Somebody get Brian Gaar to follow me while I'm gone. Ready set go!
Okay I'm off Twitter for a week see you later dudes ily
One thing I've learned is that if you are in an airport and have a hankerin' to buy an iPad, don't worry, they have them.
Jake from State Farm takes the main stage. Grinds on the brass pole. Rips off khaki's. There's more khaki's underneath.
Retweeted by Doober Pooberton
"Is this the review we are going to put in the magazine?" "Yes, that's the review we're going to put in the magazine"
[Yelling across rows to only other guy in the theater] you know what's up with this music? Can the characters hear it or just you and me?
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really good trash talking should be called bomb threats
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A good way to sound comforting but also tough is to say, "bro, bring it the fuck in for a hug"
"NICE SOCKS BRO", I shout at some guy whose socks I really admire
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My haters actin like they don't even know that holy angels have whispered in my ear my whole life, preparing me for triumphant greatness smh
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If I were the moon every once in a while you'd remember I was there, and you'd look up and say out loud how rad I was. I'd be so into that.
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This bat is perfect for father's day if you don't know your dad's name
This is your brain *shows picture of an egg* This is your brain on 4/20 *shows picture of an Easter egg*
Retweeted by Doober Pooberton