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Are any of you guys in San Jose?
If George Lopez was a rapper his name would be George Flo-pez
folks money is all about checks and balances. for example im checking my balance right now and i like what i see! ya gotta laugh
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Chuck Berry? Hell, I don't even think I could pick Berry up!
All i know is that jet fuel could not have melted the steel beams of the Titanic
Happy birthday to my dear friend @lionprincessval who turns 16 years old today! Happy sweet 16 val! I hope it's the trillest
To thoseof you that have been "taking baths"....ummmmm how about leaving some baths for the rest of us?
WOMAN: Got the time? ME: [holds up wrist] WOMAN: Oh you don't wear a watch? ME: Just wait [a parrot lands on my wrist] PARROT: It's 7pm
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*villain swivels chair around* We meet again Mr. Bo- *chair swivels too far* *shimmies back with feet*
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come my gravy, come come my gravy, you're my ButterballĀ®, turkey, lady
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the word poop is actually an acronym. it stands for Pooping Out Our Poop
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[at chicken barber] sorry, walked into the wrong-- actually, I'll take that one
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Good luck pranking me if your pregnant. Idiots.
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"If we don't stop this virus, there's not going to BE a tomorrow. Also, I'm half horse." - the Centaur for Disease Control
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I used to make jokes about spices all day, but now I just don't have the thyme
if i block mark hoppus on twitter do i become more famous than him
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[soldiers from each side line up to shake hands] "good war" "good war" "good war" "good war" "good war"
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Hey Kevin Durant, why don't you get some stronger bones, you weak ass bitch.
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Free throws? Hell, I'll take two!
If i every meet Elmer I'm going to give him back all his damn glue that he's been leaving all over the place
I can't wait to tell my kids about this one time when I saw a shirt for Foo Fighters and it kind of looked like it said Poo fighters
May the spirit of the Kevin be with you tonight
I never wear green on St. Patrick's Day because I long for human contact
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Have you guys heard of this buzzfeed? Some wild, wacky stuff.
I can't remember where I found this but I love it
Going through my dad's things since he died and found a list of 200 potential band names that contain the word "dawg"
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I've been looking at porn at work
"My friends, It is with a heavy heart that I.." *my heart drops through my body and drops to the ground, shaking the earth and I die* "damn"
"Iggy Azalea was a huge inspiration for my work" - Tupac
See you guys in ten hours and 8 minutes
4:20 blaze it
I wasn't always a buffalo, I was just a regular fatalo like you before I started P90 X! Check my before and after!
Fortune cookies would be a lot better if they were actually cookies full of a million dollars
Just got a new dog. Love him already!
Did you guys watch the Oscars this year?
Hey kids, guess who was on fleek for your sins
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PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord BRB - Burn Religious Books TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
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Visiting Loch Ness. They say if you stare hard enough you can see the monster, but all I see is my own reflection in the water.
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Offer me that deathless death Good God, let me give you mah wiiiiife