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Jamzie Russo-Boggs
Some people have criticized the film Noah for not following the biblical version. Uhh I thought it was pretty spot-on
Retweeted by Dane
This is bullshit, Britney. I knew you'd wear the same smock as me. You've fucking ruined the painting party.
Retweeted by Dane
"FOOOD FIIIIIGHT!!" Yell the hipsters as several cups of chilled tea with lemon and Balsamic Chickpeas fly through the air, causing no mess.
How to kill two birds with one stone: Step 1: throw a stone at a bird Step 2: go pick up that stone Step 3: throw it at another bird
Retweeted by Dane
"U can talk w/ people all around the world & watch 2 girls eat shit & throw it up on each other" - How I'd explain the internet to young me
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This is my favorite response to anything ever and is when I knew that one day I'd take your name as my own @Dfr247
@daneZie *i hold in my breath until I puff out a ferocious amount of chest hair spelling out FUCK THIS*
Retweeted by Dane
2 turds in a fierce dance Battle "Nice Bowel movements" says onlooker, "dude thinks he's hot shit, but he'll always just be #2" says another
I feel weird watching vines while on the toilet. All your bad jokes. Watching me. Yelling at me.
Have you guys even realized that @lionprincessval is single? You will all be sorry when she gets snatched up and you didn't even try.
Retweeted by Dane
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
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10 years ago we had Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Kim Jong-il. Now they are dead and we are still laden, still sad, and still ill.
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If you're ever being eaten alive by a giant snake, think to yourself, "this is a cool way to die. There are way worse ways to die than this"
Retweeted by Dane
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Retweeted by Dane
Staple copies of your résumé together into a suit to show you know how to dress and display your work experience during a job interview.
I've been furiously rifling through my computer keyboard for snacks
A Khialogist is a doctor specializing in the neck, back, pussy, and/or crack areas
Whenever I have trouble getting to sleep I just cut it out and go to sleep. Works every time.
Somebody get Morgan Freeman out of my bed. He won't stop snoring and it is soothing. Too soothing.
Accidentally just swallowed a whole pizza
I always pay Steve Buscemi impersonators an extra 20% gratuity because they look and sound like Steve Buscemi but they are not Steve Buscemi
You can fully furnish your home with one order of olive garden unlimited breadsticks. I love making that bread then sleeping in it.
I lost my wallet somewhere in my apartment (I hope) rt if u cried
Retweeted by Dane