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Alan Barns
humour 36,321 followers
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE
RT @VanessaBarns: Come & have a look around my webpage, there's information, prices & testimonials buff.ly/17Nmk84 & Facebook...
Apparently, when we die our whole life passes before our eyes. I'm not sure that is going to hold my attention
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Ask not what you can do for me. Just do it.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat
Interested in Tarot? My daughter has joined Twitter. @VanessaBarns ( you're welcome to have a look.).
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Beauty lasts for a moment, but ugly goes on and on and on . . .
Air pollution is a mist-demeanour.
It is very distressing to finally find the answer but realize you have forgotten the question
Retweeted by Alan Barns
.Don’t argue with a fool. The spectators can’t tell the difference.
A good way to get your name in the newspapers is to walk across the street reading one.
I have never lived up to my own expectations
Retweeted by Alan Barns
Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I’m not beating her.
Dreaming is the only time you meet a better class of people.
Dead people are cool
Credit cards are what people use after they discover that money can't buy everything.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.
May I suggest to the Arch Bishop of Canterbury that he gets on with his real job and keeps his nose out of politics.
Another aid to longevity is that only the good die young.
All I ever got on a silver platter was tarnish.
All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.
All I ask is a chance to prove money can't make me happy.
Look for the silver lining.
A lot of people in the graveyard would be pleased to be living your life right now.
One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
You must obey the law, always, not only when they grab you by your special place. — Vladimir Putin
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When in doubt, mumble.
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
.To be is to do – Socrates, To do is to be – Sartre, Do be do be do – Sinatra
I am no longer taking life seriously. And life has always thought the same about me
Retweeted by Alan Barns
There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can’t. — Warren
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them.
Fortune may favor the brave but I've met a lot of wealthy cowards
Retweeted by Alan Barns
The person who knows how to laugh at himself will never cease to be amused.
Take it easy, and if you get it easy take it twice.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
.Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
Money should be utilized as a tool. You just gotta know which nuts to screw.