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Alan Barns
Sign on a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels.
Sign outside a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."
So many common misconceptions. Just once I would like one that is unique
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Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
Once someone gets to know me they always wish....That they had never even met me
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Apparently, if you don’t make mistakes then you aren’t really trying. So some of us are obviously trying really hard
Retweeted by Alan Barns
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Too many drinks last night & I took a bus home. Got home safely and yet I've never driven a bus before & don't even remember where I got it
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
THE EARTHQUAKES : When you rearrange the letters: THAT QUEER SHAKE
MOTHER-IN-LAW : When you rearrange the letters: WOMAN HITLER
I wish some of my second thoughts had arrived first
Retweeted by Alan Barns
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
ELECTION RESULTS : When you rearrange the letters: LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
ANIMOSITY : When you rearrange the letters: IS NO AMITY
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Not all the people in my head were invited
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What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Why do shops have signs, 'guide dogs only' if the dogs can't read and their owners are blind?
SLOT MACHINES : When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME
If you want to know what they are up to, you can ask the Tarot. Visit me at
Retweeted by Alan Barns
The first girl I proposed to said, "I love the simple things in life but I don't want to marry one of them"
I finally convinced my wife that it would be good if she learnt to text. Her first text message to me read, whereisthespacebarthingy
Tried to log in to my I Pad. Turns out it was an Etch A Sketch and I don't even own an IPad. Also, I'm out of wine.
If you want to know what some ones up to or is going to do next, then visit me at
Retweeted by Alan Barns
I know exactly what I want to do....I just haven't figured it out yet
Retweeted by Alan Barns
DORMITORY : When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM
I finally got my head together but now my body is falling apart. (Have I said that before?)

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