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Alan Barns
humour 23,173 followers
My brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then he joined the army. The first time he had to salute, he killed himself.
"“Knowledge comes, but wisdom lingers.” ― Alfred Tennyson"
In the end, there is no forwarding address
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If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours
We are the people our parents warned us about.
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet.
Dead people are cool
The best argument is that which seems merely an explanation
An atheists worst moment is being truly grateful with no one to thank
What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air? A dead centipede. (Told you before, they can't all be good.)
What do you call a calf after it's six months old? Seven months old.
Alcohol does make you more attractive to the opposite sex. After they've drunk enough of it.
There are only 10 kinds of people that understand binary - those that do, and those that don't.
“People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.” - John C. Maxwell
A spa hotel is like a normal hotel, only in reception there is a photograph of a pebble.
US tourist to Irish child: “Does it ever stop raining here?” Child replies: “I don’t know, I'm only eight".
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right there's a 90% chance you'll get it wrong.
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Those that live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I was recently the subject of a joke. I chickened out of a fight and crossed the road to get away.
A man went into a doctors office with a Strawberry up his nose. Oh said the doctor, I'll give you some cream for that.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers on fast wipe when parking illegally.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
So, it helps to know what you want in life. I think it would also help to know how to get it
Retweeted by Alan Barns