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Matthew Highton
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I've invented an alternate reality where Fez from That 70s show grows up to be Fenster in the Usual Suspects. It's pretty special.
Yes I'm creating a sadistic dystopia, but in a way haven't we already created that? *dims lights and sits silently in contemplative thought*
Water coolers the size of pools with shark sin and you have to lean down to get a cup of water.
Oh and the more shitty your company is the more dangerous the animal is. One bear for every thousand pounds of dodged tax, minimum!
As an apology to nature we should let animals loose in offices and cities and not allow any human retaliation.
More reasons to love Tim and Eric and Jeff Goldblum…
I enjoyed this a lot, good work Reza Aslan for this and your mythical name.…
Thanks to everyone who came to @angelcomedy tonight. That'll do pig, that'll do...
Is it just me or does Inherent Vice Joaquin Phoenix look a lot like Michael Landon (Dad Little House on the Prairie)?
See last RT if you're in London and prepared to have your faces blown off (read that how you will). x
TONIGHT: Showtime! Surreal storyteller @MattHighton brings us his highly acclaimed Edinburgh show, 'Good Luck Sleeping Jerks'. 8pm, FREE!
Retweeted by Matthew Highton
My new thing is when someone gets off the tube turning to the person next to me and saying "damn, they had just 1 more day 'til retirement".
Just give me one more hour with this guy and we'll know where they're getting in...
Started to read the highlights of #CPC14 but ended up putting John Carpenters They Live on. Same thing init...
So Google Maps is saying this is the most direct route home. OK, nothing wrong with this...
Really @WeirdosComedy are you sure? If you think it'll help people understand marriage more...
Osbourne lowering taxes for business so Oscorp can create new super gliders and "finally stop Spiderman" #CPC14
5 minutes into watching Teeth and two people have already looked at the camera. This is already great!
Worried that something crawled inside me when I investigated that strange meteor the other night...
Retweeted by Matthew Highton
I was forced to watch the end of that whilst I have food poisoning. Is this a violation of my human rights?
Urgh there's people over 25 on TV. This is vile I wish theyd all die the & stop putting oxygen into their wrinkly VHS filled lungs. #xfactor
I'm going to take the hierarchy system for Shadow of Mordor and apply it to London gangs. I expect to stay alive for less than a day...
Always root for original movies. They are still the way forward.
Retweeted by Matthew Highton
I should have tweeted this days ago, but the @museumofcomedy is a great venue with some great shows on. Check them out! x
@MattHighton last night will forever be known as Orange Wednesday.
Retweeted by Matthew Highton
I feel for all the office managers this morning who have to face distraught workers and hand out the helpline number for Jason Orange.
Did you sit on the toadstool Matthew? No, I left it for small creatures to shelter under and will revisit it every year.
Since I was a child I've always wanted to sit on a toadstool, this was the closest I've ever seen that may have supported me.
I think Ive been in the city too long. I left it this weekend and spent about 15 minutes just looking at a large toadstool. It was glorious.
me: i dont want any kids person: *low chuckle* oh, you'll change your mind. me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Retweeted by Matthew Highton
If you got cast as Liam Neeson's wife, you'd be so nervous. Especially when you got to work and there were no cameras...
Malkovich, Malkovich. Hello new nightmares...…
I think this is on? is it? I think so...
Dun nu nu nurrrr, dun nu nu nuu nurrrrr, mercy... @ComCineClub
Hey everyone like Pretty Woman? Of course you do! Well @ComCineClub will be recreating it tomorrow at Aces and Eights Tufnell Park. OH YEAH!
I know its cruel and I never would do it, but I just want to know what it'd be like to throw a flying fish out to sea... Just once..
Thanks to everyone who came last night. One of my favourite shows ever I just wish I could name a cheese.