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can you not
comedy love facts quotes 207,509 followers
if i was a doctor: Zac Efron: i sprained my wrist me: okay take off your underwear
Saying you'll wake up early in the morning to get something done, then in the morning convincing yourself it's not that important.
I show affection for my pets by holding them against me and whispering I love you repeatedly as they struggle to escape from my arms
I farted on the bus today and four people turned around. I actually felt like I was on the voice.
Hairdresser: "Do you like it?" Me: "Yes thank you." *goes home and cries*
"Good morning" is probably the first lie of my day.
when ur siblings are pissing u off but ur parents are in the room pic.twitter.com/2yV5RsIR8v
how to seduce me: •deposit 15000 dollars in my bank account •dont talk to me
Wear a Camouflage condom. She'll never see you cumming.
do you ever start writing a tweet and halfway through you’re just like “nah”
embarrassing myself since birth
Every time I think about how stressed I am I get even more stressed so it's like a never ending stress cycle I can't seem to break free from
truth or dare more like preform a strange sexual act or tell me who you like
there's a difference between arguing back and defending myself thank you very much
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
when I say “lmao” I do not mean “laughing my ass off” I mean “lmao”
Shout out to the girls who friendzone all the good guys and date all the assholes then complain about being treated like shit.
Dear Spider, unless you pay rent, you cannot live in my house.
i wish i wore red lipstick more and broke boys heart daily but sadly boys break my heart and i look bad in red lipstick
it's really hard to wait for the right person in your life, espiacally when the wrong ones are soooo hot.
Teacher: "How old is your father?" Boy: "As old as me." Teacher: "How can that be?" Boy: "He became a father only when I was born?
me: i'm sorry, it's just it's been a bad day me: of a tough week me: of a bad month me: of a terrible year me: of a dreadful existence