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Matt Allard

Chocolate marshmallow cereal is not seasonal and how dare you!
Lotta important issues in the world but I feel like getting Count Chocula back on the shelves year-round should be up there near the top.
Every living person who has held the office of the presidency sees Trump as unfit to hold it
Retweeted by Matt Allard
Call me crazy, but maybe we all just need a nap?
DIY drive-in. | Shot for @AmazonVideo - Download #PrimeVideo TV and movies at #sponsored
It's Monday and I'm wearing work out clothes to do life.
Try to meet up with someone somewhere but pretend you don't have cellphones.
#SandFire bringing lots of smoke over the hill into #WeHo now.
It's very hot when, next to the picture on the package of gummies, it says ENLARGED.
Help, I've fallen and I can get up but I mostly don't want to!
at least 17 artists have been ripped off by @ZARA this year. support them all directly at
Retweeted by Matt Allard
My drag name is Swamp Thing.
Been a long, hot day of refreshing my Snapchat story to see who has viewed me disguised as a bee, but I've always been a hard worker so...
Gonna get arrested for my interpretive dance to the Stranger Things theme.
Then we all just kinda floated up out of the atmosphere.
If you are looking for a token gay there's an app for that?
Take the stairs cos butts.
I relate so much. I didn't become the person I am now until I was 38. Just wandering around the world lost af.
Retweeted by Matt Allard
Helpful reminder: white supremacy is fucked up and gross, the Bourne Supremacy is Matt Damon.
I'm out in public and my hair is doing a thing.
I'm wearing a pink shirt and having the best night and half-expecting to be blown up.
"The smile you smiled when everybody lost the same thing but still had one another." - @mollyprentiss
Every day, I am finding it harder to exist but easier to love.
I imagine all the best coffees I've ever had will flash before my eyes when I die.
All I do is win win win I mean eat eat eat.
I kinda want to die and come back as a hot guy's cellphone but whatever...
I am not downloading #PokemonGo cos it's the type of game that could tell me to murder someone to unlock a cartoon avatar, and I would.
Am I covered in Pokémon right now? Be honest.
The truth is I feel most comfortable when I have a dog filter on my face.
How to deflect racist abuse towards others in public space if you want to help without getting dragged into conflict
Retweeted by Matt Allard
I do think it's fucking weird how life just keeps on going, despite everything, no pause.
Let's be honest, Kombucha had me at 'may contain trace amounts of alcohol.'
For instance, I am introducing my face to this cake.
Maybe do one small thing for yourself today. Whatever you want, as long as is doesn't hurt someone else and it makes you feel happy.
Oh wow. This is glorious. 🙏�…XS
"I like it. It's yellow." is a thing I just said because I am your teenage daughter.
#PhilandoCastile & #AltonSterling, 2 in a too-long list of people whose names we know for the wrong reason. You mattered. #BlackLivesMatter
Kids say the darnedest things after a couple of beers.
I ran out of words so I made this. #AltonSterling a father, husband, and friend. May God be with his family.
Retweeted by Matt Allard
This is my version of sports, watching the best trick shot in the galaxy! Science blows my mind congrats @NASA #Juno
Retweeted by Matt Allard
Engine burn complete and orbit obtained. I’m ready to unlock all your secrets, #Jupiter. Deal with it.
Retweeted by Matt Allard
Wow. @NASAJuno is initiating orbit with #Jupiter. 1.8 billion miles away, I'm eating lemon meringue pie out of a jar.
Live now! Go inside mission control as I go into orbit around #Jupiter. Tag Qs #askNASA
Retweeted by Matt Allard
Juno has got me turnt af right now. Very exciting. I don't understand why anyone would be doing anything else!…
Happy 4th of July! I bought pie in a jar because I could.
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