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at least my room is a bigger mess than me
my soul mate is most likely a grilled cheese
shower me in various black items of clothing and hundred dollar bills
Alcohol is the push-up bra for personalities.
when children do things and u just wanna murder them
Listening to drake at the gym, people think this is sweat rolling down my face but it’s actually tears
nothing’s worse than when your mom leaves you in a checkout line and you’re up next but she hasn’t come back yet
accidentally forgetting your earbuds at home is like accidentally leaving your first born child at the gates of hell
fall is amazing because guys with thick, dark hair and beards wear flannels and nice pants and wow they look so good
You can't always be the sharpest tool in the shed. But you CAN be the hoe.
I thought I lost 5 pounds but it turns out my sweatpants just came untied.
If cleanliness is next to godliness, then my car is satan's chariot.
If you don't have anything nice to say, say it louder.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown and still fewer to ignore someone completely.
The best way to get out of student loan debt is to die. #LifeHack
Every Friday is a constant battle between my desire to wear pajamas and my desire to get laid.
Never date a man who is prettier than you. #LifeRules
I'm not interested in the PG-version of life.
Whatever it is, I usually go after the biggest piece.
You can tell how bad someone's last relationship was by how loudly they yell "cancel out my ex I put a line through that bitch" in My Way
college is like when you go from 1st place to 11th in mario kart because you slipped on your own banana
mom grab the champagne, I got 5 likes on my selfie
i hate it when kids are assholes you cant even punch them or anything cause theyre like 9 and they know this those smug little shits
i dont need a date i need cash
*Me while driving*
"That was illegal but it's okay."