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Going into shops in town makes me anxious
My idea of hanging out is me coming to your house, stroking your pets then taking a nap
This game makes the horrible side of people come out. James just said "in the word of Angelina Jolie, give me a little black one"
We've had the "bees?" card in cards against humanity. That's my favourite card
Is it just me that draws a conversation to a close by starting a new sentence with "anyway..."?
*uses the Force to search my feelings* "404 error. Feelings not found."
Retweeted by Lew
Do rocks have names? I've been calling this one "Hey, you" for 20 years. Now it's too awkward to ask.
Retweeted by Lew
The personal best streak continues this week with 4 reps of 40kg dumbbell shoulder press 💪🏼
Be like Bill 😊W
The majority of pictures in my recently deleted folder are screenshots
This little dude of about 8 came up to me at work. He wanted to shake my hand and tell me his name. How polite, what a sick little guy
Really pleased to have got my first personal best the year, joining the 150kg deadlift gang… instagram.com/p/BAaTiH8uk7V/
Really pleased to have got my first personal best the year, joining the 150kg deadlift gang after losing progress after time away over Christmas. Managed 1 rep at the end of an overall banging session. Onwards and upwards! 👊🏼💪🏼🏋🏼 #150kggang #gym #gymday #gymfit #gymflow #gymshark #gym #gymday
Give us back Bowie and Lemmy and instead take the cast of TOWIE and Geordie Shore
I gave a £1 to the "no pay no spray" man in the toilet and was walking around smelling like a tart's handbag
5SOS writing a song: yeah we're outcasts *electric guitar* *stolen Green Day verse* *something sexist* we're all ugly and talentless
Retweeted by Lew
So wasted i almost drunk a candle this morning instead of a glass of water
You should talk, @KyloR3n I taught you to levitate rocks You dropped them all when a girl walked by Then you stormed off to write poetry.
Retweeted by Lew
Kylo Ren, what's up with the cape? It serves no purpose. If you're cold, stop being pretentious and put on a coat.
Retweeted by Lew
I place dibs on wearing a red and black flannel shirt tonight guys. Dont want no clashes @dekkermetcalfe @carpetfac3 @WelchyJay @Matt139139
How does it feel at the bottom of the barrel?
We're having a cheeky chiquitos tonight for rob's birthday. Not a cheeky nandos. Fuck nandos. I'm never going there 🖕🏻
Perk of having an all black wardrobe: malfunctioning irons can't vandalise your clothes like what just happened to my favourite white shirt
#WasteHisTime2016 these girls forgetting Valentines Day is next month
Retweeted by Lew
i will NEVER go through mom's closet again for any reason i touched it before I knew what it was it was gold and metal I'm scarred forever
Retweeted by Lew
If you don't fuck with me no more why do you still open my snapchat stories and like my facebook statues lmao
Positive vibes 😌☯
Straight girls send naked pictures to their straight girl friends, this is normal. What? Why? How? If I did that to a mate i'd get beat up
If our pets evolved enough do you think they would make memes of us?
(noot me up) noot me up inside (can't noot up) noot me up inside (noot me)
Retweeted by Lew
"If a lesbian cockblocks another lesbian is that called a beaver dam?" 🤔
Crowded commuter train? No seats? Easily fixed Go to First Class, open the door and shout "tickets please" Abracadabra - 54 empty seats
Retweeted by Lew
All the conversations people start for the next little while will begin with "hi you alright, how was your christmas/new year?"
Back to reality and work this morning. No more late nights, waking up at 12, spontaneous hanging out with friends or day drinking 😢
Yesterday I was introduced to female group chats. These consist of mainly - gossip, talking about boys and sharing of nudes. I'm so confused
I was just driving like a dick and doing 60 in a 40 in front of a fed van and they gave 0 fucks wtf ???
Just heard a 50 year old guy in the pub say to his mate "we get it, you vape" 😂😂 ahhhhh
We're going to explore an abandoned factory of some description tonight
Read it on the internet. Must be true.
Anyone else have to put up with that week or so period after Christmas where Mum's first suggestion for meal times is cold meat and cheese?
Feel like I should change my icon as we're now in january. No one needs to be reminded of christmas, it was a mess
NYE was a great night
Why are 17 year old girls so annoying?!? A group of them last night who I didn't even know were parring me off calling me a fuckboy 🙄
looooool what even was last night
New year, i'm still a cunt
I'm going to try not to wear all black tonight, but i'll more than likely be in all black anyway

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