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One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That'd be like a...whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Actually, I'm Jewish, we celebrate Shark Week in January.
I'd like to raise a toast. I'm adopting a slice of toast. Please respect my decision. Thank you.
I'm not totally convinced one of these chaps hasn't given a false name...
When I first got my puppy I called him Barky Bark. Now he's grown up, so he's just Bark Wahlberg.
Child: What's an oxymoron?
Me: It's a figure of speech that contradicts itself like "jumbo shrimp," "pretty ugly" or "religious freedom."
Adam: This isnt so bad
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this
[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I worked for a puppy mill bit.ly/1DbAgUY
Wait for someone who tells strangers about you.
People say the Confederate flag is a symbol of slavery, racism and oppression, but it’s also a symbol of getting your ass kicked.
earth sucks nothing works. only like 2 volcanoes ever go off. have to wash dishes before i put them in the dishwasher. so tired of this shit
"What are your strengths?"
Me: I fall in love easily.
"Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?"
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Read this. Or don’t. But fuck you if you don’t.
actual relationship goal
how me & bae should be right now
i fell in love with you because of the million things you never knew you were doing.
Me: I bought you what every woman really wants: a circle symbolizing our eternal love.
Wife: You finally get it.
*eats the doughnut*
me: I'll have the filet
waiter: and how do you like your steak
me: like a lot that's why I ordered it
Praying mantis: yes.
Killing it on Tinder over here
Jesus: Sooo Judas, I noticed you unfollowed me... What's that all about?
*Judas favs but doesn't reply*
Jesus had pretty good abs. CrossFit I bet.
"We must take back America," says the minority to the growing majority. "It's our country" says a dying demographic group.
[looking in mirror]
"that reminds me, i need to take out the trash"
Cop: "Could you describe to our sketch artist the person who attacked you?"
Me: "He looked like the prophet Muhammad"
★★☆☆☆ Bad service. I had to climb a fence to get in then the waiters tackled me. Didn't get my burrito.
pretty fucked up how awe-inspiring the ocean is. people die there did you know
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Sorry I'm late, I hate your friends so I sat in the car for 3 hours
If you're happy and you know it you're probably not paying enough attention to the news.
Cop: you have the right to call your lawyer
Desperately trying to seem cool cop: or, you know, snapchat or something else fleek like that
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
61% and 5 days LEFT on my Kickstarter! Now’s NOT the time to be shy! kck.st/1GBilKQ
: NSA's Bulk Collection Of Americans' Phone Data Is Illegal, Appeals Court Rules n.pr/1cahPXi
me: do you do house calls?
doctor: sure where are you
me: new york
doctor: the big apple?
me: that's right
doctor: yeah I don't think so pal
Natural: computers, airplanes, shampoo, space travel,
Unnatural: when two dudes want to do sex
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud".
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She's always in a bad mude.
THERAPIST: What's wrong?
WIFE: He doesn't respect me
ME: SHE CALLS IT A SELFIE EVEN WHEN SOMEONE ELSE TAKES THE PICTURE
In Focus: FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States onion.com/1anVLHo
Tool guy: Hand me a Phillip's head.
*throws head at tool guy*
Tool guy: I said HAND me a Phillip's head, not throw.
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
and God said "gimme a light" but Jesus had no fluid in his zippo, which infuriated God cause Jesus was always playing with it, wasting fluid
GFs dad: [cooking chicken on bbq] "keith seems keen to impress your mum huh"
GF: "hes just nervous dad"
me: [washing my paper plate in sink]
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it's doing something on its phone*