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julio castellanos
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I'm not a mad scientist, I'm just a disappointed scientist.
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You may have the last laugh now, but we'll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you
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U guys be like "im 25%russian, 25%greek. 17%italian, but then American Monday comes in and all yall niggas like pic.twitter.com/vrYsj30rkn
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I say this in all seriousness. Stop worrying about shit you have less than zero control over and go explore existence pic.twitter.com/G56rRjP2Qv
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Pistorius trial is like a bad riddle. I shoot you through a door. With a gun. Repeatedly. Until you're dead. I am not murder. What am I?
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We like to think our brains are so evolved and special. They're not. They only seem that way because animals are absolute fucking idiots.
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9/11 jokes are unacceptable. The other two are ok though.
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When I say I'm bad at taking compliments it means I want you to keep complimenting me so I can practice and get good at it.
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When you're heading for a girl and things are going smooth but turns out shes just "naturally flirty" pic.twitter.com/ylrGBXl8dk
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friendly reminder that Salvador Dali was a fascist who was friends with the brutal dictator Franco, who had exiled/had killed other artists
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Life isn't fair. The rich get Richard and the poor get Poorard.
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Boss:Johnson, I need those reprots by tomorrow Johnson:did the writer of this tweet make a typo or did u say reprots Boss:that piece of shit
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"we're done" why "you lie, hold grudges and try to embarrass me" ok [3 years later in a crowded bar] OH HEY BETH, STILL ENJOY EATING FLIES?
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*Describing criminal to sketch artist* He liked crime.
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God's checklist light √ animals √ man √ woman √ deceptive talking snake with potential to fuck everything up for everyone √
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"Success" is the lie that's used to trick you into doing the bidding of others. Life is now, it's not a journey. It's right now.
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I am God. I had a son. He was also Me. He was a man, though. I had him killed. He came back. I did it to save you from how I made you. #yep
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You can't just be cremated whenever you want, you have to urn it
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I hate brushing my teeth at night because that means I can't have anymore food and I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment
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my google search history: -dyareeya relief -dioreeha relief -dayarea relief -diharhhea relief -frequent hot watery poop relief
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*loudly opens bag of chips at funeral* Sorry but if I don't eat something now they'll have to put 2 bodies in there. Sorry for your loss btw
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When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.
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I'll start getting worried about robots taking over the earth when turning something off and then on doesn't fix every technological problem
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A fart so sonorous a whale shows up on my doorstep to propose
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Just fired my hair colorist because I want to dye alone
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I feel bad that this world pushes some people into such a corner that they can only feel confident when they are being arrogant
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That face you do when you're listening to music and looking at the window. pic.twitter.com/FxjvfiutWH
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If your suitcase isn't just a case full of suits you are a lying sack of human garbage
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my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
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Life Hack: MAKE people think you heard them correctly by doing a little chuckle when they finish speaking & hoping no one died recently.
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[house viewing] and this is the master bedroom "hmm.. this window isn't very big" sir? "i expected bigger windows" sir, that's a painting
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School=Depression. Learning+Creation = Happiness. Happiness=Art.Art=Intelligence. Intelligence=Rebellion. And Rebellion Is Bad For The
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There Is No Nutrients In Our Food Anymore Or In Our Soil OR IN OUR WATER.
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You Can Discover Everything You Need To Know About Everything By Looking At Your Hands
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I find comfort in knowing I'm set for life financially, so long as I don't live past next week.
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*Eats 3 "1 A Day Vitamin Chews"* *Puts sunglasses on* *Walks away from explosion*
Take a nap. Hide the nap. Take everyone’s naps. Stockpile the stolen naps. Spend all the naps at once. Sleep forever in a sleepless world.
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@noog *wife gives him the cold shoulder* *he heats it in the microwave for 30 seconds and feasts*
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*cannibal eats his own arm * *wife looks on in disgust* Ugh he's so full of himself
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he was the kinda guy who lit up a room . dude hated rooms. Burned down over 80..90 rooms. usually by burning a whole house
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I hope crickets appreciate all the talking we do throughout their uncomfortable pauses as much as I do theirs.
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2Chainz: I'm the best rapper around. No one could ever be better than... *3Chainz walks in the room and glares menacingly* 2Chainz: nvm.
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Son, I'm sorry to say this but. You have ALS. But don't worry there are kids pouring ice water buckets on them so theres still hope.
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"Please don't tell my parents.But when I was little I didnt wait 30min to go to the pool after eaing"-@julioadriancg pic.twitter.com/hgRRf1UOcc
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"Yo I'm Tony your "life coach." You alive"? "Yeah." "Alright keep it up we'll talk next week."
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