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julio castellanos
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Do you want to check our phones together in public sometime?
Retweeted by julio castellanos
*A Brit's tweet is 1 character too long* *He sighs & deletes the U from 'colour'* *The Queen materialises from thin air and pimp-slaps him*
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Facing the 18th hole on what had been a gruelling day, I wondered if the porn industry was really for me.
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I'm very bad with names… and faces …money too… and responsibility. You name it, I'm not your guy
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"Why'd you name me Carson, dad?" You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.
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Thanks for choosing UPS to ship your package. Would you like to purchase insurance in case we fuck up the only job we're supposed to do?
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Why call it a belly button. It doesn't DO anything when you press it. *click click click* See? *neighbor's garage door slamming up and down*
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cop on bicycle [sees me doing a crime]: stop youre under arrest me: haha cop on bicycle: haha yea jk. im on a bicycle. have a good one
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They’ll never win a war on drugs. It’s hard enough to win a war even when you’re not on drugs.
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I'd say there's nothing more disappointing than being betrayed by someone you love, but have you tasted stale Doritos?
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just watching a VHS like kony's not even still out there
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Sex: A New Trend Among Teenagers Has Parents Shocked. "I love using my sex penis," said one boy. "I love to sex fuck," said another.
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That awk moment when ur cleaning ur room and u find A FUCKING DRAGON TALES STONE pic.twitter.com/uEv3b7Vny0
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When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
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I have now stolen 93 copies of the game "Risk" from local retailers. "Life is about taking Risks" I'll say when the police finally arrest me
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Apparently my first ever word was “Dada”, after which I never mentioned avant-garde art movements ever again.
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Tomfoolery is an interesting word. I don’t know what the fuck Tom did, but it was so ridiculous that he became part of a word to describe it
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[sarcastically] Well well well aren't you "Mr. Snappy Comeback" tonight?! "Fuck off Dave...you gonna help me find my dog Mr Snappy or not?"
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[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
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I'm not a mad scientist, I'm just a disappointed scientist.
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You may have the last laugh now, but we'll continue this discussion later when Im alone in my car pretending to be a stupider version of you
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U guys be like "im 25%russian, 25%greek. 17%italian, but then American Monday comes in and all yall niggas like pic.twitter.com/vrYsj30rkn
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I say this in all seriousness. Stop worrying about shit you have less than zero control over and go explore existence pic.twitter.com/G56rRjP2Qv
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Pistorius trial is like a bad riddle. I shoot you through a door. With a gun. Repeatedly. Until you're dead. I am not murder. What am I?
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We like to think our brains are so evolved and special. They're not. They only seem that way because animals are absolute fucking idiots.
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9/11 jokes are unacceptable. The other two are ok though.
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When I say I'm bad at taking compliments it means I want you to keep complimenting me so I can practice and get good at it.
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When you're heading for a girl and things are going smooth but turns out shes just "naturally flirty" pic.twitter.com/ylrGBXl8dk
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friendly reminder that Salvador Dali was a fascist who was friends with the brutal dictator Franco, who had exiled/had killed other artists
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Life isn't fair. The rich get Richard and the poor get Poorard.
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Boss:Johnson, I need those reprots by tomorrow Johnson:did the writer of this tweet make a typo or did u say reprots Boss:that piece of shit
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"we're done" why "you lie, hold grudges and try to embarrass me" ok [3 years later in a crowded bar] OH HEY BETH, STILL ENJOY EATING FLIES?
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*Describing criminal to sketch artist* He liked crime.
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God's checklist light √ animals √ man √ woman √ deceptive talking snake with potential to fuck everything up for everyone √
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"Success" is the lie that's used to trick you into doing the bidding of others. Life is now, it's not a journey. It's right now.
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I am God. I had a son. He was also Me. He was a man, though. I had him killed. He came back. I did it to save you from how I made you. #yep
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You can't just be cremated whenever you want, you have to urn it
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I hate brushing my teeth at night because that means I can't have anymore food and I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment
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my google search history: -dyareeya relief -dioreeha relief -dayarea relief -diharhhea relief -frequent hot watery poop relief
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*loudly opens bag of chips at funeral* Sorry but if I don't eat something now they'll have to put 2 bodies in there. Sorry for your loss btw
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When people with lisps say "Bithneth", you know they mean business.
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I'll start getting worried about robots taking over the earth when turning something off and then on doesn't fix every technological problem
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A fart so sonorous a whale shows up on my doorstep to propose
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