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smh if girls think VS models are every guys dream...we're not in fifth grade. go ahead and eat that last chicken wing baby... u gorgeous
when you eat 3 meatball subs in one sitting
thuis poor ham was badley burned and disfigured trying to be my food durimg fire
one like = one ham
one rt = ten ham
My daughter and I went to the zoo for my birthday. She thought the thing behind us was a kitty. Because she's stupid.
"Sorry about this"
-what runs through my head when I take my clothes off in front of someone
People are all like, "How do I get abs without doing anything difficult on a regular basis?"
Because the baby boomers destroyed the economy through deregulation & replaced all labor laws with a pic of Reagan
wow pitbull made a christmas album, here is the leaked track list
PARENTS: When someone offers you drugs, you say no!
ME (going out into the world): I'm ready
[literally no one offers me drugs ever]
You are looking at one candidate for president who does not have a super PAC and I’m damn proud of that.
trump:im gonna make this country great again
trump:go fuck yourself thats how
fox: finally someone not afraid to speak their mind
Endangered triangular pup here. Could be a wizard. Caught mid-laugh. No legs. Just fluff. Probably a wizard. 9/10
Finally some constructive political change in this country. 11/10
Jiji 7 meses💪🏽@julioadriancg
Nearly 200 nations agree to historic pact on climate change: bit.ly/1O20ph6
Equal pay for equal work. It’s not a radical idea.
My mom would wake up early just to cut the crust off my sandwiches for lunch. She knew the crust was my favorite part. She hated me so much.
Yea I lied. Here's more. All 13/10
*Thinks before speaking
*Makes it worse
The reason some Spanish people call their parents "Ma" and "Pa" is because they forgot about Dre.
Cool trick: If you turn off your phone and stare at the screen, you can actually see the face of the person locked inside it.
Evolution of @JebBush
-Jeb can fix it
-Jeb needs more time
-Jeb tried his best
-My name is Jeb and welcome to Applebee's
President Obama when he vetoes the "Defund Planned Parenthood" bill.
A video from the targeted location before the mass shooting took place. Heartbreaking. #SanBernadino
me: we installed a shock collar for when he lies....Mr. Trump do you understand economics?
Donald Trump: of cour-
This is Torque. He served his nickel. Better not owe Torque money. Torque will find u. 10/10 cause I'm scared of him
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
The scientific community could not be clearer. Climate change is real, man-made and causing severe damage that we can no longer ignore.
I perform abortions.
I am not evil.
I keep my patients safe.
I respect my patients.
I am a person.
I do not deserve to be murdered.
I try to act nonchalant but underneath I am chalant as fuck.
Squirrels are just rats with white privilege.
Mum, that's not a picture of Jesus
We put six times as many women in prison today as we did in 1980: bit.ly/1jloxwX
I never touch baby carrots because I'm afraid the mother will reject them.
Meet Fabio. He's a wonderful pup. Can't stay away from the devil's lettuce but other than that he's a delight. 10/10
Vibrant dog here. Fabulous tail. Only 2 legs tho. Has wings but can barely fly (lame). Rather elusive. 5/10 okay pup
This dude slaps your girl's ass what do you do?
[skipping stones on lake]
DATE: it's such a beautiful evening
ME: *whispering* take that you fucking lake
It was the best of times, it was the "feat. Pitbull" of times
As GOP incites fear of Syrian refugees, white terrorists have:
―Shot up Planned Parenthood
―Stalked mosque w/ rifles
―Shot black protesters
Look, banning things never works. People will find ways to get them.
You can tell a lot about a person by gossiping
LITERALLY THE SAME WORDS
Weather-related disaster have been occurring nearly every day over the past decade: bit.ly/1NNylrN
Sometimes I look up at the moon and wonder if you're looking up at it too. 💕
...then i think about boning u and hope ur also thinking that
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they're 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
BARBER: what'll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
watching the subway sandwich artist make my sub