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julio castellanos
149 followers
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*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"
Retweeted by julio castellanos
"My client is innoc- ERECTION "You mean objection?" *Points at defendants boner* Judge "OMG" "Permission to tuck it under my belt?" OVERULED
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Oh you count sheep to try to sleep? That's smart. I usually just systematically retrace every misstep I've made in my life.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Fun fact: You can say "sorry for your floss" 31 times at a dentist's funeral before someone punches you.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Been trying for years to get pics of seagulls in a landlocked state so I can organize a class action lawsuit about their name being a lie.
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I've cut myself with paper LOADS more times than I have with scissors, yet I'm still allowed to run with paper. This makes no sense to me.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[at sheep farm] Me: So how do you get steel wool? Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep Me: huh? *sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
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"Wu!" "Tang!" "Wu!" "Tang!" "Wu!" "Tang!" ~ the crowd cheering at a ping pong match.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
SICK OF PEOPLE FROM THE NORTH SAYING TEXANS DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT A REAL SNOW STORM IS. WERE NOT BUILT FOR THIS WE ARE BUILT FOR WHATABURGER
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[please enter a password] ilovedogs [password must contain at least one capital] iloveparisdogs
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[at nice restaurant] I’d like a table near your finest electrical outlet
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[2 dogs eating dinner] "u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great" [stops chewing] "why does this taste like chocolate"
Retweeted by julio castellanos
50 Shades of Gray is a movie based on the first 10 minutes of a porn you usually fast forward through.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Office fun: replace your coworker's mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him "baby hands" until he quits
Retweeted by julio castellanos
If I've learned 3 things this week, it's that I should start taking notes, and two other things.
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Scientist: how can we make condoms better, more enjoyable and efficient? Frog: rib it Scientist: someone get that fucking frog out of here
Retweeted by julio castellanos
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[ME] pack of cigarettes °puts $5 down° [CLERK] It'll cost you more than that [ME] °pulls tooth out° here [CLERK] Jesus dude I meant it's $7
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"Can I pet your dog?" Sure, his bark's worse than his bite [dog bites three fingers off] "WHAT THE" [dog barks so hard the sun explodes]
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me: fix all the problems with the app Twitter: how bout when u fav something we make the star explode me: oh hell yea Twitter: hell yea
Retweeted by julio castellanos
'Charlie Hebdo's' Next Issue Will Feature Prophet Muhammad Cartoons n.pr/1AS8zRV
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[Walks out of the blood bank] *gets shot by the Crips*
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one day i hope someone will tell me they love me and I won't feel the need to ask for an explanation why
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Permission to use your hammer, your honor It's a gavel Permission to use your gavel Denied *looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
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[doesn't wish school bully happy birthday on Facebook] 1-1.
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Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
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*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus* ... *makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
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hello darkness my old friend darkness: "i have a boyfriend"
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Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Those who fail to learn from the mistakes of history throw the best parties.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[on a plane] *engine starts smoking* pilot: oh dear god no! engine: it's just vapor
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[on a plane] *pilot sees engine start smoking* *makes engine smoke the whole pack*
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I am not Charlie, I am Ahmed the dead cop. Charlie ridiculed my faith and culture and I died defending his right to do so. #JesuisAhmed
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No one ever paid attention to F. Scott Fitzgerald’s brothers, Marry Scott Fitzgerald and Kill Scott Fitzgerald.
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[throws bread to a duck] Duck: I have a boyfriend
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“so you admit to animal testing” it was more like animal quizzing "oh that's not so bad” judge: you’re free to go
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[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
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If you can't handle me at my worschestchire. Worchesture. Wurchestshur. Worchjestire. How do you spell this fucking word? My tweet is ruined
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my hidden talent is being able to live without literally any item that falls behind my dresser, forever
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[getting murdered] u know this is illegal right....
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which idiot called it a hot dog grill and not a rollertoaster
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"Take a seat Mrs Jones. I'm afraid your husband didn't make it" OMG "It's from a Ikea" Phew I thought you meant- "Also your husband is dead"
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Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
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"Hey. Look here. Look at me. LOL gotcha, ruined your day" - mirrors
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Watching the Today Show is like opening emails from my parents for 3 hours
Retweeted by julio castellanos