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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
me: i need 30 favs just to feel normal
therapist: are you tweeting this now?
me: yeah and i'm going to say you farted
My atheist son, Christian, is changing his name to Godfrey.
"So Dave died"
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
"Both. it was a suicide pact"
*dave walks in* hey guys
*flares my ears like an elephant defending its young when someone approaches me while I'm eating chocolate cake*
There is nothing like you and I😍
TRUMP: I'LL BUILD A DAM TO BLOCK OUT EVERYONE FROM MEXICO
MODERATOR: Do you mean a fence, sir?
TRUMP: *slams tail* NO
[Lawyer reading my will]
"And to my son Sniffy, I leave my Updog"
[Lawyer plays tape of me saying "Not much what's up with u"]
Hi you're listening to NPR and the segment is called "How to Fall Asleep at the Wheel" featuring my soft, soothing, voice.
A burrito shedding its aluminum foil might be the sexiest strip tease.
Just imagine how different our world would be if Donald Trump hadn't given his younger self that sports almanac.
My ex said I was the most jealous man she knew...
Confirming my suspicions about her knowing other men.
Meryl Streep: I love you
Me: aww I love you too
Meryl Streep: just kidding, that was acting. Now put your clothes on, I'm done with you.
[a man stops breathing]
Wife: "Help my husband! Does anybody know CPR?"
*smugly step forward*
Me: "I know all the letters of the alphabet."
It's always the "Don't pet me, I am working" dogs I want to pet most
"i usually have a feeling of impending doom and I don't feel that with you" -me being romantic
please tell me. i must defeat him
I'm sorry for exaggerating the facts in every story I have ever told in my entire life on this planet.
lol nice selfie stick idiot
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That'd be like a...whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Actually, I'm Jewish, we celebrate Shark Week in January.
I'd like to raise a toast. I'm adopting a slice of toast. Please respect my decision. Thank you.
I'm not totally convinced one of these chaps hasn't given a false name...
When I first got my puppy I called him Barky Bark. Now he's grown up, so he's just Bark Wahlberg.
Child: What's an oxymoron?
Me: It's a figure of speech that contradicts itself like "jumbo shrimp," "pretty ugly" or "religious freedom."
Adam: This isnt so bad
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this
[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I worked for a puppy mill bit.ly/1DbAgUY
Wait for someone who tells strangers about you.
People say the Confederate flag is a symbol of slavery, racism and oppression, but it’s also a symbol of getting your ass kicked.
earth sucks nothing works. only like 2 volcanoes ever go off. have to wash dishes before i put them in the dishwasher. so tired of this shit
"What are your strengths?"
Me: I fall in love easily.
"Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?"
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Read this. Or don’t. But fuck you if you don’t.
actual relationship goal
how me & bae should be right now
i fell in love with you because of the million things you never knew you were doing.
Me: I bought you what every woman really wants: a circle symbolizing our eternal love.
Wife: You finally get it.
*eats the doughnut*
me: I'll have the filet
waiter: and how do you like your steak
me: like a lot that's why I ordered it
Praying mantis: yes.
Killing it on Tinder over here
Jesus: Sooo Judas, I noticed you unfollowed me... What's that all about?
*Judas favs but doesn't reply*
Jesus had pretty good abs. CrossFit I bet.
"We must take back America," says the minority to the growing majority. "It's our country" says a dying demographic group.
[looking in mirror]
"that reminds me, i need to take out the trash"