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julio castellanos
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me: do you do house calls? doctor: sure where are you me: new york doctor: the big apple? me: that's right doctor: yeah I don't think so pal
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Natural: computers, airplanes, shampoo, space travel, Unnatural: when two dudes want to do sex
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
THERAPIST: What's wrong? WIFE: He doesn't respect me ME: SHE CALLS IT A SELFIE EVEN WHEN SOMEONE ELSE TAKES THE PICTURE *therapist pukes*
Retweeted by julio castellanos
In Focus: FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States onion.com/1anVLHo pic.twitter.com/CsvCG7JniL
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Tool guy: Hand me a Phillip's head. *decapitates Phillip* *throws head at tool guy* Tool guy: I said HAND me a Phillip's head, not throw.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
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and God said "gimme a light" but Jesus had no fluid in his zippo, which infuriated God cause Jesus was always playing with it, wasting fluid
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GFs dad: [cooking chicken on bbq] "keith seems keen to impress your mum huh" GF: "hes just nervous dad" me: [washing my paper plate in sink]
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*stares into the abyss* *abyss pretends it's doing something on its phone*
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[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship] *down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands* MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
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[trying out my dog translator in park] hey little buddy are you lost [dog barks] [reads display] wtf? "what does it say" i have a boyfriend
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Well this is embarrassing I've been pronouncing 'pirates' like 'pilates' for the last 30 years
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Judge: You're sentenced to death. You'll be hung. Wife from the back: HE'S ALREADY HUNG. Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife
Retweeted by julio castellanos
A single picture that tells the news story. Boris Nemtsov's body lies just yards from Moscow's power. (Pic: AFP) pic.twitter.com/NKZl0DjKlL
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Those first two guys who thought Superman was a bird or a plane... ? What the fuck were they so excited about?
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SUBVERSIVE TWEET 2: Oh, we care about A DRESS but not [SOME BAD THING] That's America for ya (s'in my damn h!!!!)
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SUBVERSIVE TWEET: Oh, we care about LLAMAS but not [SOME BAD THING] That's America for ya
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[last meal on death row] "Pepper?" *nods* "Say when" *winks to camera*
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*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room* *I pretend to catch it* *I walk over to the window and toss it outside* "Grow up Karen"
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"My client is innoc- ERECTION "You mean objection?" *Points at defendants boner* Judge "OMG" "Permission to tuck it under my belt?" OVERULED
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Oh you count sheep to try to sleep? That's smart. I usually just systematically retrace every misstep I've made in my life.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Fun fact: You can say "sorry for your floss" 31 times at a dentist's funeral before someone punches you.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Been trying for years to get pics of seagulls in a landlocked state so I can organize a class action lawsuit about their name being a lie.
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I've cut myself with paper LOADS more times than I have with scissors, yet I'm still allowed to run with paper. This makes no sense to me.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[at sheep farm] Me: So how do you get steel wool? Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep Me: huh? *sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
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"Wu!" "Tang!" "Wu!" "Tang!" "Wu!" "Tang!" ~ the crowd cheering at a ping pong match.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
SICK OF PEOPLE FROM THE NORTH SAYING TEXANS DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT A REAL SNOW STORM IS. WERE NOT BUILT FOR THIS WE ARE BUILT FOR WHATABURGER
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[please enter a password] ilovedogs [password must contain at least one capital] iloveparisdogs
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[at nice restaurant] I’d like a table near your finest electrical outlet
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[2 dogs eating dinner] "u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great" [stops chewing] "why does this taste like chocolate"
Retweeted by julio castellanos
50 Shades of Gray is a movie based on the first 10 minutes of a porn you usually fast forward through.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Office fun: replace your coworker's mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him "baby hands" until he quits
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If I've learned 3 things this week, it's that I should start taking notes, and two other things.
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if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science
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Scientist: how can we make condoms better, more enjoyable and efficient? Frog: rib it Scientist: someone get that fucking frog out of here
Retweeted by julio castellanos
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you're in there for, say "the food" so all the other prisoners know you're a loose cannon.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[ME] pack of cigarettes °puts $5 down° [CLERK] It'll cost you more than that [ME] °pulls tooth out° here [CLERK] Jesus dude I meant it's $7
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"Can I pet your dog?" Sure, his bark's worse than his bite [dog bites three fingers off] "WHAT THE" [dog barks so hard the sun explodes]
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me: fix all the problems with the app Twitter: how bout when u fav something we make the star explode me: oh hell yea Twitter: hell yea
Retweeted by julio castellanos
'Charlie Hebdo's' Next Issue Will Feature Prophet Muhammad Cartoons n.pr/1AS8zRV
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[Walks out of the blood bank] *gets shot by the Crips*
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one day i hope someone will tell me they love me and I won't feel the need to ask for an explanation why
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Permission to use your hammer, your honor It's a gavel Permission to use your gavel Denied *looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
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[doesn't wish school bully happy birthday on Facebook] 1-1.
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Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Retweeted by julio castellanos
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus* ... *makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Retweeted by julio castellanos