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My niece's first response to the Paris attacks: "should I tell people at school I'm not Muslim anymore?"
She is seven. SEVEN.
Seems like the best & surest way to radicalize innocent refugees is to treat them like they're already radicalized
It's time to pray for humanity. It's time to pray for the world. It's time to make all places beloved.
no one believes me when I say I'm 30 years old, "no way" said my coworker, "you're such an embarrassment " said my father
Products with exaggerated names: miracle whip, magic eraser, wonder bread, antidepressants
Over 200,000 people have died in Syria in the past 4.5 years.
That's a Paris attack EVERY SINGLE DAY.
That's what refugees are fleeing.
I make a cup of tea every morning. Today it felt different. Something as small as just starting your day must seem a world away in Paris.
God: kill your son
God: holy shit I'm jk
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
Right now, Trump pays the same amount of money into Social Security as someone who makes $118,500 a year. #GOPDebate
We already have the biggest military in the world, yet veterans sleep out on the streets. Will Republicans talk about this? #GOPDebate
You could fit my limited vocabulary into a really small thingy.
From The Archives: DEA Recruits Lil Wayne To Use Up All Drugs In Mexico onion.com/1SoX9KS
I nod and smile at empty places just to confuse any ghosts that might be there into thinking i can see them.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Whole Foods is like if NPR designed a 7-11.
when you slowly let the relationship dissolve the same way you always do
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say 'brave choice sir' and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
I can't belive my grand mothers making me take Out the garbage I'm rich fuck this I'm going home I don't need this shit
Netanyahu may expel Palestinians from Jerusalem: ajplus.co/xmhu
How residents of the city are treated:
Tombstone of two of the best breakdancers
Breaking: Carson now leading Trump in polls. Survey shows more Americans prefer a xenophobe with a medical degree to a xenophobe without one
Ben Carson Tormented By Periodic Rational Thoughts onion.com/1QPTrJa
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend's been kidnapped
"stay calm sir, what's ur girlfriend's name"
oh she goes to another school u wouldn't know her
Halloween is coming up and I still have no idea what I'm going to be for the rest of my life.
Upon turning 36 I rotated my calculator from the upside-down position to normal... Too old for HELL and BOOBIES... Just numbers now
Yes, but how is the disaster affecting white people?
Your password must contain at least two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a man.
How come "you're a peach" is a complement but "you're bananas" is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
And that someone is Satan. twitter.com/lnspire_me/sta…
This is the current leading candidate for the Republican nomination for President of the United States. twitter.com/realDonaldTrum…
BERNIE: We need free colleges & a spread of wealth across all classes
MEDIA: Haha you don't comb your hair
BERNIE: Are you serious with this
DR: You’re dying.
DR: I’m dying, we’re all dying. Life is a relentless march to death.
DR: I’m prescribing Xanax. For me.
People seem genuinely surprised that it's got colder, like it's their first ever autumn on earth.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify "not breastmilk." It's unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date, today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times.
Science might be right, having a kid is the worst idea ever bit.ly/1R3U2a5
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
"As for weather on the east coast-"
*Don draws a dick on the map*
The anchors laugh. Don is fired.
In 36 hours a dickstorm levels Baltimore
Life is like soccer because my mom signed me up for it and expects me to try my best even though I hate fucking soccer.
The year is 2197. Mass shootings are the only news. The last remaining congressman shouts, "Mental health!" from beneath a pile of 600 guns.
Medical weed is safe, longest ever study on managing pain with pot finds:
actually guns do kill people, that's literally why they were invented, to kill people
How many lone wolves do there have to be before people wake up and realize it's a pack?
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he's dead he's a great
Wife: I swear to God I'll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
With great Powerade™ comes great Responsibilitade™
frogs are bullshit. theyre just fucked up fish. i dont believe in frogs
zookeeper: sir no ones asking you to believe just put the gun down
i think people give up on their dreams because eventually it hurts too much to keep having them
Syria to take in American refugees if Donald Trump is elected thevalleyreport.com/2015/09/09/syr…
People say history is written by the winners, but actually history is written by historians, and most of them are losers.