Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Smart cars are so small I feel like a second pair of wheels is too much.
Drunk teens steal circus llama, take it for joyride bit.ly/19E7s9j pic.twitter.com/iyvgMqy1wV
*that moment when you are messing with a friend and they actually get offended and then you just feel like an asshole.
"Hey man put on your mask you look scarier without it."
*crappiest, most repeated halloween joke ever*
Thinking someone's tweet is meant for you is the mistake of the century.
“because i said so”
good one mom you should be a lawyer
Being an asian adoptive would be easy because no one would notice you dont look like your parents.
did it hurt when u fell from heaven bc it hurt when i did
me: better check my phone for texts from friends
me: *checks phone*
me: better get some friends
Hey i used to be uglier believe it or not.
do u ever become friends with someone
and then u get to know them
and its like
i don't like u
can we stop this friendship thing
The teacher can call me "my child" a 100 times but if I call her "mom" once the whole class laughs histerically.
*elementary school logic*
I would be a lot less awkward in front of the videocamera if my voice was recorded as it is.
I hate snapchat because I cant use it while sitting on the toilet.
Being happy is like being gay. Its a choice, that's why they mean the same thing.
Relationshits... Relationshits everywhere.
can't put a whole picture as my screensaver #iOS7Problems
Call Me Maybe came out 2 years ago
2 years ago
The government shutdown has officially lasted longer than any of Taylor Swift's relationships.
Chemistry more like cheMYSTERY because I have no idea what’s going on.
Why do lesbians have better male hair than any guy i know
When your attempt to cheer someone up fails... pic.twitter.com/Zxi6Uxea83
Every time my air freshener goes off I think there's a demon sneezing behind me. I've yelled 'bastard' every time so far
i don’t understand how my room gets so messy when i literally sit in one spot with my phone and laptop all day
school sucks more dick than the sluts that attend it.
When i se my favorite movie actor in a commercial... pic.twitter.com/fLvHDZ00ds
Every exotic meat tastes like chicken...
life has ceased to be interesting to me #froglegs
Adding "and shit" at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: "I was playing with my bubbles and shit"
deleting pictures is always so hard for me because I'm a picture hoarder 😩📷
have you ever just stopped and realized that if you hadn’t met a certain person, your entire life would be completely different
Life was so much easier when other people couldn't know you already saw their text.
Eating a sandwich would be a lot more interesting if we could call it a chanwich. #CHANWICH
Everybody likes mcnuggets
You might say you dont...
But deep on the inside...
You love those little fuckers
who needs a government when u have french fries u kno
Its October time to wake up that guy from Green Day. pic.twitter.com/NBW1mzc2Nv
When you click a button you didn't mean to click so you just kinda hold the click and drag your cursor around hoping it doesn't click.
Going to school after a weekend of partying <<<<<<<
what if soy milk is just regular milk introducing itself in spanish
Don't wear skinny jeans if you don't have skinny genes.
I'm no therapist
But I promise you this
- I will listen.
- I will care.
How can I say it.... Mmmhh... #FUCKYOU
It's even Mondayer than usual.
What I hate most about Twitter: Is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi
If watermelon exists why dont airmelon, firemelon & earthmelon exist?
I hate it when people call me funny because I feel like I have to say something really funny again and I just can't handle that pressure.