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julio castellanos
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[2021] One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal. HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
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An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That'd be like a...whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
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Actually, I'm Jewish, we celebrate Shark Week in January.
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I'd like to raise a toast. I'm adopting a slice of toast. Please respect my decision. Thank you.
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I'm not totally convinced one of these chaps hasn't given a false name...
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When I first got my puppy I called him Barky Bark. Now he's grown up, so he's just Bark Wahlberg.
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Child: What's an oxymoron? Me: It's a figure of speech that contradicts itself like "jumbo shrimp," "pretty ugly" or "religious freedom."
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[outside eden] Adam: This isnt so bad Eve: Yea Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this [5 min later] Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
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Wait for someone who tells strangers about you.
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People say the Confederate flag is a symbol of slavery, racism and oppression, but it’s also a symbol of getting your ass kicked.
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earth sucks nothing works. only like 2 volcanoes ever go off. have to wash dishes before i put them in the dishwasher. so tired of this shit
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[Job interview] "What are your strengths?" Me: I fall in love easily. "Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?" Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
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Read this. Or don’t. But fuck you if you don’t.
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i fell in love with you because of the million things you never knew you were doing.
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Me: I bought you what every woman really wants: a circle symbolizing our eternal love. Wife: You finally get it. *eats the doughnut*
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me: I'll have the filet waiter: and how do you like your steak me: like a lot that's why I ordered it
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Jesus: Sooo Judas, I noticed you unfollowed me... What's that all about? *Judas favs but doesn't reply*
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Jesus had pretty good abs. CrossFit I bet.
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"We must take back America," says the minority to the growing majority. "It's our country" says a dying demographic group.
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[looking in mirror] "that reminds me, i need to take out the trash"
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Cop: "Could you describe to our sketch artist the person who attacked you?" Me: "He looked like the prophet Muhammad" Artist: "Nope"
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★★☆☆☆ Bad service. I had to climb a fence to get in then the waiters tackled me. Didn't get my burrito.
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pretty fucked up how awe-inspiring the ocean is. people die there did you know
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What should we call this giant advertising board? PHIL: A philboard BILL: I have a better idea
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Sorry I'm late, I hate your friends so I sat in the car for 3 hours
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If you're happy and you know it you're probably not paying enough attention to the news.
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Cop: you have the right to call your lawyer Desperately trying to seem cool cop: or, you know, snapchat or something else fleek like that
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my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
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61% and 5 days LEFT on my Kickstarter! Now’s NOT the time to be shy! kck.st/1GBilKQ
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via @nprnews: NSA's Bulk Collection Of Americans' Phone Data Is Illegal, Appeals Court Rules n.pr/1cahPXi
me: do you do house calls? doctor: sure where are you me: new york doctor: the big apple? me: that's right doctor: yeah I don't think so pal
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Natural: computers, airplanes, shampoo, space travel, Unnatural: when two dudes want to do sex
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[Couples therapy] WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces "food" like "feud". THERAPIST: And you, sir? ME: She's always in a bad mude.
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THERAPIST: What's wrong? WIFE: He doesn't respect me ME: SHE CALLS IT A SELFIE EVEN WHEN SOMEONE ELSE TAKES THE PICTURE *therapist pukes*
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In Focus: FBI Uncovers Al-Qaeda Plot To Just Sit Back And Enjoy Collapse Of United States onion.com/1anVLHo
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Tool guy: Hand me a Phillip's head. *decapitates Phillip* *throws head at tool guy* Tool guy: I said HAND me a Phillip's head, not throw.
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[commercial for college] *person shoveling money into furnace* Narrator: Don't you wish there was a better way?
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and God said "gimme a light" but Jesus had no fluid in his zippo, which infuriated God cause Jesus was always playing with it, wasting fluid
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GFs dad: [cooking chicken on bbq] "keith seems keen to impress your mum huh" GF: "hes just nervous dad" me: [washing my paper plate in sink]
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*stares into the abyss* *abyss pretends it's doing something on its phone*
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