Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
julio castellanos
Want to Grow Your
Social Media, Free?
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Retweeted by julio castellanos
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Retweeted by julio castellanos
me: i need 30 favs just to feel normal therapist: are you tweeting this now? me: yeah and i'm going to say you farted therapist: *farts*
Retweeted by julio castellanos
My atheist son, Christian, is changing his name to Godfrey.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
"So Dave died" Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things "Both. it was a suicide pact" *dave walks in* hey guys
Retweeted by julio castellanos
*flares my ears like an elephant defending its young when someone approaches me while I'm eating chocolate cake*
Retweeted by julio castellanos
TRUMP: I'LL BUILD A DAM TO BLOCK OUT EVERYONE FROM MEXICO MODERATOR: Do you mean a fence, sir? TRUMP: *slams tail* NO
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[Lawyer reading my will] "And to my son Sniffy, I leave my Updog" What's updog? [Lawyer plays tape of me saying "Not much what's up with u"]
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Hi you're listening to NPR and the segment is called "How to Fall Asleep at the Wheel" featuring my soft, soothing, voice.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
A burrito shedding its aluminum foil might be the sexiest strip tease.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Just imagine how different our world would be if Donald Trump hadn't given his younger self that sports almanac.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
My ex said I was the most jealous man she knew... Confirming my suspicions about her knowing other men.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Meryl Streep: I love you Me: aww I love you too Meryl Streep: just kidding, that was acting. Now put your clothes on, I'm done with you.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[a man stops breathing] Wife: "Help my husband! Does anybody know CPR?" *smugly step forward* Me: "I know all the letters of the alphabet."
Retweeted by julio castellanos
It's always the "Don't pet me, I am working" dogs I want to pet most
Retweeted by julio castellanos
"i usually have a feeling of impending doom and I don't feel that with you" -me being romantic
Retweeted by julio castellanos
I'm sorry for exaggerating the facts in every story I have ever told in my entire life on this planet.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[2021] One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal. HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That'd be like a...whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Actually, I'm Jewish, we celebrate Shark Week in January.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
I'd like to raise a toast. I'm adopting a slice of toast. Please respect my decision. Thank you.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
I'm not totally convinced one of these chaps hasn't given a false name...
Retweeted by julio castellanos
When I first got my puppy I called him Barky Bark. Now he's grown up, so he's just Bark Wahlberg.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Child: What's an oxymoron? Me: It's a figure of speech that contradicts itself like "jumbo shrimp," "pretty ugly" or "religious freedom."
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[outside eden] Adam: This isnt so bad Eve: Yea Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this [5 min later] Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Wait for someone who tells strangers about you.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
People say the Confederate flag is a symbol of slavery, racism and oppression, but it’s also a symbol of getting your ass kicked.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
earth sucks nothing works. only like 2 volcanoes ever go off. have to wash dishes before i put them in the dishwasher. so tired of this shit
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[Job interview] "What are your strengths?" Me: I fall in love easily. "Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?" Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Read this. Or don’t. But fuck you if you don’t.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
i fell in love with you because of the million things you never knew you were doing.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Me: I bought you what every woman really wants: a circle symbolizing our eternal love. Wife: You finally get it. *eats the doughnut*
Retweeted by julio castellanos
me: I'll have the filet waiter: and how do you like your steak me: like a lot that's why I ordered it
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Jesus: Sooo Judas, I noticed you unfollowed me... What's that all about? *Judas favs but doesn't reply*
Retweeted by julio castellanos
Jesus had pretty good abs. CrossFit I bet.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
"We must take back America," says the minority to the growing majority. "It's our country" says a dying demographic group.
Retweeted by julio castellanos
[looking in mirror] "that reminds me, i need to take out the trash"
Retweeted by julio castellanos




Twitter Sign-in
We are going to send you to Twitter to authorize twiends.
Please note that we never tweet or follow people without your permission.
Continue