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I just drove past a sign that says SMART PHONES DON'T MAKE SMART DRIVERS. Challenge accepted.
Fun fact: I invented the phrase "agree to disagree"
I quit smoking cigarettes over a year ago and just like everyone else I gained ten cats
Some haters/hackers are trying to steal my account, so unless its something about my fabulous hair… then it definitely wasn't me
I want to get a cat so I can name it either Cray or Cray-Kray.
Most women think men are just after sex, and they're wrong. What men actually want is telling women to not be late.
Are you kidding? My middle name is Pompous.
“Sometimes your worst Chad is your best Chad.” - True Detective
If I was a pimp I'd be a nice pimp and let the girls keep all the money then I'd need to have a job and that's cool I guess
I'm willing to create an industry (or market) so I could have the dream job of working with boobs all day.
"No I'm not staring, just reading what your shirt says."
"This is a blouse. There are no words."
"It's a really nice shirt."
Vince Vaughn's forehead is so big you could watch 3D movies on it at a drive-in theater
New mission statement: fuck bitches, get money, ball out
I'm not really looking for my soulmate. I'm just looking for someone who doesn't remind me of a pop tart.
I must be doing something wrong. Women are never mad at me.
Do you think Tom Skerritt has ever or would ever sell ad space on his mustache?
Pointless trivia: every movie made from 1983-1997 had someone say "I'm gonna check it out" right before bad shit starts happening
Is narcissism included with the purchase of a 'Selfie Stick' or do you already need to have your own? Is it like batteries?
Goddammit I deserve my own personal cheerleader squad to follow me everywhere and cheer my shit up all over the place
Random thought of the day: That dude staring with the face kind of reminds me of Dinosaur Jr. on Special K
My middle name would be Conflict if I didn't have such a problem with it
Been trying to think of something really special to do with my dog's ashes, but he's still alive
Nobody, I repeat, nobody puts the check in the mail like the original Jack Burton.
Walmart's job orientation video is just a guy who says "whatever" a couple times
Hot girls wanted. No purchase necessary.
Maybe it's just me but I think movies should have a special notation to let you know if French people are in it
All I want in a job is to be able to call everyone Hotdog and for everyone to feel great about it
Lately I just don't have the time for sophisticated fart jokes, or even Steven Tyler and his Native American renegade microphone
Criminal: You think this is a game? Listen to me. SHUT UP!!
Me: *dramatically takes off sunglasses* Ok… Whatever you say
Memorial Day is great because it's like living in an American beer and truck commercial for a whole weekend
[The Expendables 3 first cut meeting]
Sylvester Stallone: I think it could use about 10 more explosions and maybe 2 more guys named Victor
Nick Nolte is starting to look like a wizard who partied way too hard at an Allman Brothers tribute band concert
If I had a time machine I'd use it to travel back and be in the Bill and Ted movies
Can't believe that I just started this post with "Can't believe that I"
I don't have any need for a huge big ass truck. (I have a slightly larger than average sized penis)
[In a world where nobody pronounces the silent "uh" in Porsche… four men have accepted the challenge of Who Has The Smallest Testicles Ever]
I'm still waiting to hear the ending of that stupid ice fishing story in American Hustle.
HR: do you believe in synergy?
HR: *evil Tom Cruise laugh* & Jesus Christ?
Me: um… synergy? *runs away Tom Cruise style*
There's only 2 things that keep men from victory:
•mutual fake laughter between those sharing secrets
Anyone who isn't me is so full of it
I just wasn't built to slap other men's butts in celebration and that's why I never played any sports
I'm such a compassionate person I decided to charge money for sex so I can have a deeper understanding of what women go through
All these movies make the apocalypse look scary. Who is to say it won't be something cool like cats taking over or goth kids dancing?
Imagine explaining why you did 8 years in prison for kidnapping your friend for his bachelor party & why you were caught naked w/an octopus
Commas are important. Without them, "Jack, off the horse" turns into "you were a mistake"
[goes to a ninja job fair]
Me: “I don't get it. Where is everybody?”
[gets snatched up and is never seen again]
Girls love a great "how we met" story. That's why I'm hanging out at Doctor Doom's Fearfall in Universal Studios, waiting to meet Ms. Right.
J: I'll say something cool and then you shoot him
D: How will I know when?
J: Oh you'll know
J: Hey Todd, nice jacket
Oh wow. Thank you @BooFricketyHoo
for the @FavstarOfTheDay
internet trophy! Been a long time since I got one. Plus it's my 200th trophy :]