If a girl has a boyfriend just wrestle him and live happily ever after. But make sure you win. Otherwise it doesn't work.
I'm never going to Wisconsin. Ever.
Never been good at relationships because I always start breakdancing instead of arguing about dinner.
Sorry, can't help you. I'm busy pretending to be busy whenever you're needing help.
Security guards with small flashlights always get picked on by other security guards with the bigger flashlights.
I brought popsicles to a knife fight and ended up walking away with a new best friend.
Life hack: make shit tons of money
Life is like a box of chocolate disappointments.
Every boss I've had walked exactly like Hitler.
It's like the best quotes in the world have all come from people without jobs.
Back in the 80s you couldn't earn a black belt in karate without already having a black belt in creepy mustaches.
”I've been making jokes about how young people are since you were pooping in your diapers, kid”
-some old guy that nobody likes
With today's technology you never know if you'll come back from the dead as a cat, or a tree or maybe even somebody's bad hair piece.
Don't ever dress like you live in Miami unless you live in Miami. Or ever, really.
I like walking in on people having sex and yelling “I GOT WINNER!!”
Christmas would be so much better if nobody asked me any questions or had any type of expectations for me
All I want for Christmas is a tree that grows cash.
You ever feel like a fat kid krump dancing without a shirt on? That's how my new boss makes me feel.
The coolest thing about being really old has to be telling younger people to keep it down all the time.
Fun fact: If you multiply Einstein's theory of relativity by 0, the Earth will implode.
Paramount Pictures Presents…
”The Unhygienic Royal Penis”
…Coming This Fall
We need more smart people doing smart shit.
"Go big or go home" is a stupid thing to say cuz I like being at home. I imagine having great sex all the time at home.
I'm old enough to remember when every movie was made in Ohio.
Well lookie what we have here…
I spent the whole weekend thinking about if it's too much to make a facebook page just for my hair. Still haven't figured it out.
I don't really care for Amy Schumer. Her early stuff is alright, like before she did anything.
“Oh, this shirt? I got this one in Medieval England… Iowa.”
I just drove past a sign that says SMART PHONES DON'T MAKE SMART DRIVERS. Challenge accepted.
Fun fact: I invented the phrase "agree to disagree"
I quit smoking cigarettes over a year ago and just like everyone else I gained ten cats
Some haters/hackers are trying to steal my account, so unless its something about my fabulous hair… then it definitely wasn't me
I want to get a cat so I can name it either Cray or Cray-Kray.
Most women think men are just after sex, and they're wrong. What men actually want is telling women to not be late.
Are you kidding? My middle name is Pompous.
“Sometimes your worst Chad is your best Chad.” - True Detective
If I was a pimp I'd be a nice pimp and let the girls keep all the money then I'd need to have a job and that's cool I guess
I'm willing to create an industry (or market) so I could have the dream job of working with boobs all day.
"No I'm not staring, just reading what your shirt says."
"This is a blouse. There are no words."
"It's a really nice shirt."
Vince Vaughn's forehead is so big you could watch 3D movies on it at a drive-in theater
New mission statement: fuck bitches, get money, ball out
I'm not really looking for my soulmate. I'm just looking for someone who doesn't remind me of a pop tart.
I must be doing something wrong. Women are never mad at me.
Do you think Tom Skerritt has ever or would ever sell ad space on his mustache?
Pointless trivia: every movie made from 1983-1997 had someone say "I'm gonna check it out" right before bad shit starts happening
Is narcissism included with the purchase of a 'Selfie Stick' or do you already need to have your own? Is it like batteries?
Goddammit I deserve my own personal cheerleader squad to follow me everywhere and cheer my shit up all over the place
Random thought of the day: That dude staring with the face kind of reminds me of Dinosaur Jr. on Special K