I can tell real quick how much I like a girl by whether or not they have a pet turtle and/or if they wear a cape.
My nipples are standing up right now and it has nothing to do with the weather or what I just did to that woman's cat.
I don't play golf but if I did, I imagine I'd put my hand on my hip a lot.
Leave it to people with names to ruin things.
It may be an unwritten rule that you must raise your fist like an evil warlord when you say the word "power" but it's a rule none the less.
I'm not a model but I play one anytime someone has their camera out.
Been talking to myself a lot lately which has made me realize that I have a lisp who's also a pool boy named Raul.
I really want to learn kung fu so I can finally earn the respect of my imaginary cats.
Instead of shopping at the mall, I like to approach attractive women, gently put my hand on their shoulder and say "Don't go home. He knows"
Robert De Niro accomplishes his best scenes by wearing super tight underwear and walking around with a rock in his shoe.
Throwback Thursday: One of my favorite tweets I've ever tweeted on my twitter twitter.com/JonJon_Brown/s…
Sorry for my behavior lately. I'm just now getting over the nervous breakdown I had from almost spilling my popcorn.
Everyone can give up trying to think of the best oxymoron ever now. Nickleback's Greatest Hits album wins forever.
Better idea for an amusement park: Seven Flags.
Suicide by iPhone update.
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. I was just reminded of how long it's been since I've had sex. Never mind, that's everyday.
I feel so sorry for everyone who got a "Diane In 7A Is Such A Jerk" tattoo this weekend. Hopefully they were all done in Chinese symbols.
Wait in line at the bank and act like you're on your phone. Say "I'm at the bank now. IF YOU TOUCH HER I WILL KILL YOU" then withdraw $10.
My wang is so big I have to wear special underwear to hold it in place so it doesn't sound like Bruce Lee's nunchucks when I'm walking.
What I really miss from junior high is leaning on phone booths, looking cool in my jean jacket and telling girlfriends "that's so us."
All I want for Christmas is some sweet new karate moves.
I have like, really bad timing. #TruthfulTuesday
I believe in one true god. His name is Hot Pocket and he lives in the Ohio river
If you guys need me I'll be on my couch ignoring everyone.
Sometimes my face says "let's party" but other times it says "I'm gonna need some antibiotics to touch your vagina."
The end all cure for hiccups: take a deep breath and hold it for 30 seconds then punch a dolphin in the taint.
The Top 23 Most Awkward Moments From Karen's Dad
Did I really have to put "wishes I was a cat, with a masters degree in existentialism" on my okcupid profile? Absolutely.
Out of all the Michael Boltons in the world, Michael Bolton is hands down the best Michael Bolton of all time.
I'M THANKFUL FOR STUFFS GUYS
Thank you @Maui_Speaks
for noticing how awesome it is to have "beef jerky" tattooed on your neck in a different language… & for the cup too.
Had to breakup with my last girlfriend because she played magic the gathering and would call me bro during sex like all the damn time.
Looking for love in all the wrong pizzas.
Nickleback is releasing a greatest hits album. WHEN WILL IT EVER STOP?
Drug dealers' biggest fears of legalization includes trying to look cool while serving fast food, and the movie Scarface becoming irrelevant
Hey girl, I hope you gotta big trunk… *takes off sunglasses* cause I'm about to fill it with $88 of chocolate pudding.
Life keeps moving. One erection at a time.
Having a Chinese symbol tattoo on your neck is a great way to let people know that you've never read The Great Gatsby.
Always take someone serious when they tip their sunglasses down to make eye contact with you... they may not live the rest of the movie.
Just jumped off my roof with a broom. Yeah, definitely not a wizard. Send help.
Unlike most men, I've never fallen in love with a stripper this month.
I like to picture myself reenacting dance moves from the House Party movies anytime I'm asked where I see myself five years from now.
Put a bunch of 3s in your internet name instead of Es so I know you can't spell.
I'd like to take this moment to tell all my female followers that your hair smells great today. And so does your butt.
My personal hell is that one girl with the loud piercing annoying voice telling me how she hasn't seen me in SO long over and over again.
A short action film that's only 15 minutes of tough guys getting into black vans and slamming their doors shut.
I always knew I was too legit to quit ever since my dad got me a 2 Legit 2 Quit patch for my jacket and a 2 Legit 2 Quit fanny pack.
My doctor put me on this new medication that makes me keep telling people that my doctor put me on this new medication.
HELL YEAH I GOT PROBLEMS URINATING!! Oh, sorry. Wrong party.
Thank you *angled head nod* @adambation
for the tweet *angled head nod* of the day trophy internet *angled head nod* award.