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Silver Bell
Your dad still thinks you could do better.
Irish people sound funny when they talk.
Sometimes at work I'll stop what I'm doing then put my hand on my hip and sigh. It's not much but it looks like I'm really doing something.
BuzzFeed's 28 Awkward Moments In The Bathroom Karen Doesn't Want Anyone To Know About
Call me tiger one more time motherfucker. I dare you, dad. I double fucking dare you.
RT if your nipples get hard after eating pizza.
I'd rather just call everyone Bobby from now on. It'd make my life so much easier.
She's the one. She's the only one who knows the real me. [points to a sex doll bottle opener]
Having a cat in my pants makes watching R. Kelly videos so much more enjoyable.
True love is like cookie dough. They both broke their back humping your mom last night.
This is an awesome tweet.
I think I look pretty damn good with my hands on my hips. So yeah, I'm basically already a cop.
My Indian name would probably be something like "Doesn't Even Own A Cat."
After you've seen Don Cheadle's nose in 3D, there's really no such thing as things getting back to normal.
When you're feeling down, listen to that song "Love Is In The Heart" but like, in your head and not out loud. Or just don't at all really.
I'm in between religions at the moment. Can't decide which god has better hair.
I'm teaching my dog how to say sandwich so that one day he can get married.
It's like Canadians always think they're so above Americans.
I have a "cat lady who blows fire on my penis" fetish.
You should never worry about demonic possession, but you should definitely be concerned about what color iPhone someone is calling you from.
Call me old fashioned, but my version of a mating call is locking eyes with a hot girl while trying to poke a straw into a Capri Sun.
Before I die I want to know what it feels like to be a Motörhead song.
I'll have sex with pretty much anything that has a vagina and a Pizza Hut gift card.
If I was a panhandler, I'd just sit on a city street corner holding a cup out and a sign that says FUCK VIN DIESEL.
I have no idea what I'm tweeting on here 87% of the time. For example: I have no idea what I'm tweeting on here 58% of the time.
Look, I just wanna be your friend and hope that you fall in love with me in the process. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeah I wear Cosby sweaters. It's what separates me from the good guys.
My friend said I was a "genuine man" and I almost cried, because my dog stepped on my balls at the same time.
•Give a homeless guy cash •Blast Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" on a boombox •Walk away in make believe slow motion •Be a winner
I want to make friends with a doctor. Not for prescriptions or anything like that. I just wanna be able to say "I know a guy."
My tweets are way funnier when there's a gun pointed at your face.
The end all cure for hiccups: take a deep breath and hold it for thirty seconds then punch a dolphin in the taint.
I'm the guy at work who doesn't do anything except tell everyone else "good job guys."
I wake up everyday hoping that they'll still consider me as the hot chick on top of a car for the next White Snake video.
Love to come out tonight but I already made big plans to not come out tonight.
A good magician never reveals their cheat codes to their favorite video games.
One time I tweeted about a saxophone.
Maybe it's just me but I think the porn industry could use "back door" in more of their movie titles.
The first thing I learned in rehab is that I'm better than everyone else.
What if I am a nipple?
Hey girl, I hope you gotta big trunk… *takes off sunglasses* cause I'm about to fill it with $88 of chocolate pudding.
It's kinda hard to understand how I'm still single with the exceptional head of hair I have.
My dog just made mouth-love with my face. At this rate he'll be back on the registered sex offenders list by April.
I wanna be in a relationship that consists of nothing but quotes from famous movies, and lots and lots of sex.
I almost said "obvs" once but then I quickly realized I'm not an 8 year old white girl in Orange County.
[movie audition in 1991] Casting: ok, let's see what you got Actor: hi, name is Baldwin, here we go "…" Casting: you're hired!
Better pizza, better ingredients, better football, better healthcare, better funerals, better Kanye, better disco, better b-boys: Papa Johns
I never say bye when ending phone calls because I'm practicing for my big movie break.
You know, putting my hand on my hip and rolling my eyes more often just might be the thing that's been missing from my life.