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JonJon Brown
Been thinking about legally changing my name to Buzzy Buzzbourne. And then becoming a super rad karate instructor with a sweet ponytail.
Keep staring away at nothing and don't say anything so I know you just farted.
I wanna be a tattoo artist just so I can say "I'll tattoo circles around you" to someone and then literally tattoo some circles around them.
Man. For real though, I love me some girls when they wear ponytails or pigtails or braids or just totally down or short or long or braided o
My birthday is this coming Wednesday in case anyone wants to take me out or buy me stuff or give me money đź’¸
Really need a job but don't want to work. Can't I just have a high income without a job? That would be the best thing possible for everyone.
What’s the best way to tell a chick you’ve never talked to that you wanna be the batteries in her vibrator?
If women were really gold diggers then you'd think they'd struck something by now.
I can't trust any guy who has kids and still wears their hat backwards.
Today I grew a rat tail for about an hour then I totally changed my mind about it.
I wish I was as good with the ladies in real life as I am on the internet.
I need to find a girl that loves Rocktober as much as me.
Living far away from ridiculously sexy women that I wanna meet and other stuff really sucks.
At TGIFS on a Thursday not watching baseball. This is as real as real gets yo.
I'll be measuring my success as a father by whether or not I have to send my kid to Alaskan military school.
30 days into my sobriety and I still have no idea who Adam Levine is.
I can totally relate to Robert Downey Jr. now that I've been out of a rehab for a week.
Baseball! Am I right or am I right?
Today would be so much more fun if you took reality out of the picture.
It's that time of night again where I set my phone to airplane mode and the ringer on loud.
When did it become ok to be all wet and slightly chilly and shit around here?
I'm alive. I made it out in full color 1080HD.
If you look really close, you can almost tell that I was never in the “Big Pimpin” video by Jay-Z.
I want to lay on a beach with you and cuddle under the stars while we point out which constellations look like two people doing it.
If you don't hear from me for awhile I'll either be applying to be an all female college volleyball coach or I'll be at one of their games.
Currently baking a cake of anti-sadness with vicodin, oxycodone and xanax that I like to call "BEHIND THE MUSIC"
ITS LIKE EVERYTHING IVE SEEN ON TV ABOUT REHAB IS A LIE
DID YOU KNOW THAT REHAB CLINICS DONT GIVE YOU ROBES OR SLIPPERS??!!!
I miss us* *when twitter was fun and my followers actually paid attention to my tweets
Astrological fact: Scorpio is the only sign that rhymes with Oreo.
I can always tell how good of a night I'm having simply by how many people compliment me on my exceptional hair.
Still waiting for the best opportunity to yell out "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" during hot passionate inexpensive phone sex.
Any ladies wanna come over and play "Back To The Future" with me? You'll take your clothes off and I'll simulate the lightning.
Keep flexing your pecks martial arts guy, but you don't really scare me unless you know how many jelly beans are in this jar.
Jewish people are the only people I take seriously when they say "shake it like a salt shaker."
TV shows lead you to believe things that aren't true but did you know you can work from home AND enlarge your penis? AT THE SAME TIME?
A guy working in a haunted house who just keeps saying "it's tax season, bro."
*Canadian girl faves my tweet* *gets passport* *packs dog and toothbrush* *turns into Rick Astley* *moves to Canada to get married*
My private jet is on 24 hour stand by and so am I right now laying on my couch daydreaming about my hair.
My vagina was feeling extra dry today so I threw a kiwi and a lemon lime Gatorade up in there.
Starting to think all my imaginary haters might've been right all this time.
Today my brother told me I'm hilarious and didn't even retweet me. I swear, story of my life.
It's gotta be really hard to take bad news seriously when it's coming from Matthew McConaughey without a shirt on.
Sometimes I'll follow a girl on twitter just because she wears glasses, has beautiful dark hair and says stuff that is super hilarious.
You just can't have any regrets getting all of your relationship advice from watching porn as a single guy in his thirties.
Who do I have to bribe around here to start a rumor that I have a huge dong?
There's really no excuse for me being in my thirties and not keeping my diary updated everyday.
Taco Labia And Other Mixed Fruits: The Struggle For Higher Education
Sometimes I tweet as if I were a woman, and sometimes I completely ignore my period.