Please upgrade your browser to make full use of twiends.   chrome   firefox   ie   safari  
Grow your twitter followers. Join free!
Twiends is a vibrant community of twitter users waiting to follow you! Sign in for free!
Want More Twitter Followers?
Welcome to Twiends. We help you to grow your audience on twitter. We are a vibrant community of twitter users, and we are waiting to follow you..!
Sign in for free! Not right now
JonJon
I'm exactly like that guy from street fighter except I can't do any roundhouse kicks or get off my couch
911: 911 emergency response Me: St. Louis Missouri 911: sir? Me: I'd like the # to Pizza Hut 911: this is 911 not 411 Me: ITS AN EMERGENCY!!
The face I make after climbing a 100 foot tree and realizing I don't know how I'm gonna get back down and my sex face are identical
Cop: “Any sharp objects on you?” Me: “Yeah my mixtapes. Sharp as fuck and FIRE like icy hot B” Cop: “B?” Me: “Shaolin WHAT!” [gets arrested]
I'm sorry I put my balls on your grandma's chin and said “doesn't she look better with my balls on her chin” at your dad's funeral
When I go to apply to become Jewish I'm gonna slide the man my mixtape. That'll get me right in
Sorry I didn't hear you. I was just thinking about nothing. Absolutely nothing
The only tools I need to build a house are a hammer and a boombox playing jock jamz volume two
[vaping] Me: hey bro you vape? Deaf guy: wha? Me: do you vape? DG: WHA? Me: DO YOU VAPE BRO? DG: no… I neveh lied gedden rape Me: *implodes*
I wanna get a cardigan that makes me look like I know a thing or two about cats
I bet Andy Dick's last name isn't really Dick. He just did that to be a dick
[on first date] Me: the ocean in Japan is really beautiful this time of year Her: you been there before? Me: no that shit's gay [makes sex]
Try spelling a six syllable word twice in one sentence and see if you don't need a nap afterwards
I clicked on VIEW TWEET ACTIVITY and nothing happened. It just said "fucking loser" in really small letters?
I have like … really great ideas. Someone should hire me or give me money
*mutes one psycho on twitter* *mutes another psycho in real life*
Fuck yeah it's Friday! *searches for psychotherapist with the most bang for your buck*
I've seen two girls with nice cans chest bump each other so yeah, I believe in magic
[me watching ncaa highlights] Wow these guys are good. Like every shot. Why aren't they on the lakers?
I still can't wrap my mind around old people
[job interview] HR: “Here at AT&T, communication is very important" Me: “I agree. My last job sucked balls. What does communication mean?”
I keep getting followed by sexbots. I guess I really am too sexy for my twitter (so sorry just let me have this PLEASE)
*DROPS MIC* -Robert Durst
Act really excited about getting your prostate exam because I think it's funny and that's all that is important here
When your friends don't think you post enough on facebook: pic.twitter.com/Fp7o5Q3wEj
That moment when the camera zooms in on you and you just pause with a dead stare… and then drool rolls down your face
[at Lloyd Braun's funeral] George Costanza: “Good guy. Great head of hair.”
There's always someone willing to help, to lend a kind ear, to show you love is stronger than all… but fuck them bunch of pussies
911: 911 what's your emergency? Me: 911? My wife is giving me the silent treatment 911 mumbles: I wish my wife gave me the silent treatment
“Those aren't really my parents in those photos. Those are the parents I wish I had” [points to photos of dead people]
[calls 911] 911: 911 what's your emergency? Me: Yeah 911? 911: Yes 911 Me: Are you sure? 911: Sir… Me: 911: Me: 911: Me: Yeah 911? *click*
Does anybody know how to turn off the "share with NSA" option on facebook?
You make me want you to be a better [not completely horrible] you
Anytime I'm told to "cooperate fully" I just play dead
It's really too bad that spiders are super creepy. They could be working for us as living snack transporters
Nothing blows my mind more than a dude with a soul patch AND a barb wire tattoo wrapped around his arm
Life hack: give up
[at funeral] Dad crying: “He was like a son to me” Older son: “He was your son & he's dead now” Dad: “I know man…He was like a son to me”
My instagram is nothing but cats and pie
You can't drink with a straw and wear a Motörhead t shirt. You just can't those are the rules
When facebook starts giving massages, or adds the "dance with a midget" option then I'll pay more attention
Oh wow you're crying? Now I really don't like you
Now it's your instagram that flashes before your eyes when you die
According to me I'm just a couch expert. According to my mom I'm a music expert, a movie expert, a plumber, a mechanic, a scientist, a weath
Today feels like a good day to have a picnic inside my house with the windows open
All this time travel today is making my head hurt
A guy working in a haunted house who just keeps saying "it's tax season, bro"