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JonJon Brown
If you look really close, you can almost tell that I was never in the “Big Pimpin” video by Jay-Z.
I want to lay on a beach with you and cuddle under the stars while we point out which constellations look like two people doing it.
If you don't hear from me for awhile I'll either be applying to be an all female college volleyball coach or I'll be at one of their games.
Currently baking a cake of anti-sadness with vicodin, oxycodone and xanax that I like to call "BEHIND THE MUSIC"
I miss us* *when twitter was fun and my followers actually paid attention to my tweets
Astrological fact: Scorpio is the only sign that rhymes with Oreo.
I can always tell how good of a night I'm having simply by how many people compliment me on my exceptional hair.
Still waiting for the best opportunity to yell out "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!" during hot passionate inexpensive phone sex.
Any ladies wanna come over and play "Back To The Future" with me? You'll take your clothes off and I'll simulate the lightning.
Keep flexing your pecks martial arts guy, but you don't really scare me unless you know how many jelly beans are in this jar.
Jewish people are the only people I take seriously when they say "shake it like a salt shaker."
TV shows lead you to believe things that aren't true but did you know you can work from home AND enlarge your penis? AT THE SAME TIME?
A guy working in a haunted house who just keeps saying "it's tax season, bro."
*Canadian girl faves my tweet* *gets passport* *packs dog and toothbrush* *turns into Rick Astley* *moves to Canada to get married*
My private jet is on 24 hour stand by and so am I right now laying on my couch daydreaming about my hair.
My vagina was feeling extra dry today so I threw a kiwi and a lemon lime Gatorade up in there.
Starting to think all my imaginary haters might've been right all this time.
Today my brother told me I'm hilarious and didn't even retweet me. I swear, story of my life.
It's gotta be really hard to take bad news seriously when it's coming from Matthew McConaughey without a shirt on.
Sometimes I'll follow a girl on twitter just because she wears glasses, has beautiful dark hair and says stuff that is super hilarious.
You just can't have any regrets getting all of your relationship advice from watching porn as a single guy in his thirties.
Who do I have to bribe around here to start a rumor that I have a huge dong?
There's really no excuse for me being in my thirties and not keeping my diary updated everyday.
Taco Labia And Other Mixed Fruits: The Struggle For Higher Education
Sometimes I tweet as if I were a woman, and sometimes I completely ignore my period.
Sometimes when I’m laying in bed, I’ll stop thinking about my hair for like, three whole minutes.
Spoiler alert: Rick Astley was singing about a Klondike bar.
Who the fuck is Ray Rice?
I'm not psychic or anything but I imagine guys who wear Tapout shirts probably say "bro" a lot.
I once won fourth place in a Garfield look alike contest without even participating.
My hair is much funnier in front of a live studio audience.
Haven't shaved my sideburns in seven weeks and I'm still not Jewish?
Can't decide if I should give my love-junk a new nickname or just keep sitting here thinking about my hair.
Meet local singles (me)(totally not desperate) in your area (my area)(still not desperate at all) now by responding to this posting.
Just told a friend "don't die" so I'll probably be the only one out of all of us going to heaven.
Used to think vampires were pretty cool but then I turned thirty and forgot where I was going with this.
Sex like a bag of sand.
I loves me some big girls because they're way easier when it comes to baking me cookies.
Don't think I'll ever figure out why I'm always after women who have poor judgment.
The word alcoholic should be changed to something cool like black belt or master blaster, so more people would admit they have a problem.
Have you ever seen a car that looks like its been in a bunch of accidents but then realize that it's your ex from high school?
I'm totally a fixer-upper if any of you fine ladies are interested in improving my life.
You can't tell me that time travel doesn't exist. I mean, how else would movies cover a whole year in less than two hours?
You say conspiracy, I say organized nachos consumption.
I'm just one retweet away from being twitter famous and the head writer to some comedy show.
Favorite quotes from the movie The Golden Child, GO!
Pretty sure that the name Walter has to be the blackest whitest most racially non-descriptive name ever.
Just once, I wanna be the girl that everyone falls in love with.