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JonJon Brown
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Interstellar was really awesome, and Anne Hathaway's hair gave its best performance ever.
Fun prank: • dress up like a caveman • go to Geico • set it on fire
My favorite strippers are the ones who do a satisfied "ahh" like after sipping coffee but after every time they jiggle their butts.
Transporter: The Series? Seriously?
My dog is so funny. He acts like he's never seen a guy (me) act all cool and nonchalant when trying to get the sex every single day.
They said dress for the job you want so I started sleeping naked. In the nude. Without any clothes on.
Instead of asking yourself "what would Jesus do?" Ask yourself "what is the opposite of what Randy Quaid would do?"
Can't call it air-drumming unless you throw your air-drumstick up while doing an air-drum fill and licking your face all at once.
You know your fart must be pretty bad when a 7-11 appears out of nowhere.
I find it a little odd that Denzel Washington is always playing a black guy in every movie he's in.
It should be a law that once you turn 30 you can no longer wear your hat backwards.
My relationship status might as well be a picture of a monkey trying to stick a straw into a Capri Sun.
Anytime you think your life sucks, just realize that right now there's a guy probably calling 911 because he has a mouse stuck in his butt.
I wish the weather was always like this all the time always.
My dog is about 11 months old now and isn't really the best dog he could be because I've been too busy (imagining) getting pussy.
*Gets on twitter* *Sees everyone tweeting about toothpaste* *Scratches head in puzzlement* *Scratches testicles* *Repeats all day long*
I never played sports or did any kind of drama classes in high school because I was too busy (imagining) getting pussy.
I like to make coffee very strong but I don't ever drink it because it makes me paranoid.
I just love that part in the movie The Town where they're talking and stuff and you can't understand one fucking thing anyone says.
Why's it gotta be so cold? And windy? And chilly? And breezy? HUH? Why? Why?
There's really nothing you guys can do to make me stop tweeting about my vagina.
If you ever catch me staring at myself in front of a mirror wearing a speedo and it's not Tuesday, then just let me be. Just let me be.
Today I almost bought my dog a sign that says "wipe your paws" but then I remembered that he's stupid and can't read.
Growing older means you'll never be as cool as an eighties metal guitar solo or that one lead singer with the super tight leopard pants.
I just ate food and now I'm no longer hungry. I fucking love science.
My fake laugh is about as genuine as a laugh-track from an 80s sitcom after hearing one of my parent's jokes.
When you look deep into my eyes, you can see a midget on a bidet reading the Koran in an Irish accent.
Turning 34 today wouldn't be so bad if my dick wasn't so lonely.
To all the ladies out there who are looking for a strong man to protect them: I have a really big flash light, and stuff.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, that's a lot of math.
If I had to sum up high school in one word it would have to be “lunch."
I had sex last night, and by last night I mean with a pizza.
Yoga pants have to be the best thing ever invented. Ever.
Been thinking about legally changing my name to Buzzy Buzzbourne. And then becoming a super rad karate instructor with a sweet ponytail.
Keep staring away at nothing and don't say anything so I know you just farted.
I wanna be a tattoo artist just so I can say "I'll tattoo circles around you" to someone and then literally tattoo some circles around them.
Man. For real though, I love me some girls when they wear ponytails or pigtails or braids or just totally down or short or long or braided o
My birthday is this coming Wednesday in case anyone wants to take me out or buy me stuff or give me money 💸
Really need a job but don't want to work. Can't I just have a high income without a job? That would be the best thing possible for everyone.
What’s the best way to tell a chick you’ve never talked to that you wanna be the batteries in her vibrator?
If women were really gold diggers then you'd think they'd struck something by now.
I can't trust any guy who has kids and still wears their hat backwards.
Today I grew a rat tail for about an hour then I totally changed my mind about it.
I wish I was as good with the ladies in real life as I am on the internet.
I need to find a girl that loves Rocktober as much as me.
Living far away from ridiculously sexy women that I wanna meet and other stuff really sucks.
At TGIFS on a Thursday not watching baseball. This is as real as real gets yo.
I'll be measuring my success as a father by whether or not I have to send my kid to Alaskan military school.