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I'm exactly like that guy from street fighter except I can't do any roundhouse kicks or get off my couch
911: 911 emergency response Me: St. Louis Missouri 911: sir? Me: I'd like the # to Pizza Hut 911: this is 911 not 411 Me: ITS AN EMERGENCY!!
The face I make after climbing a 100 foot tree and realizing I don't know how I'm gonna get back down and my sex face are identical
Cop: “Any sharp objects on you?” Me: “Yeah my mixtapes. Sharp as fuck and FIRE like icy hot B” Cop: “B?” Me: “Shaolin WHAT!” [gets arrested]
I'm sorry I put my balls on your grandma's chin and said “doesn't she look better with my balls on her chin” at your dad's funeral
When I go to apply to become Jewish I'm gonna slide the man my mixtape. That'll get me right in
Sorry I didn't hear you. I was just thinking about nothing. Absolutely nothing
The only tools I need to build a house are a hammer and a boombox playing jock jamz volume two
[vaping] Me: hey bro you vape? Deaf guy: wha? Me: do you vape? DG: WHA? Me: DO YOU VAPE BRO? DG: no… I neveh lied gedden rape Me: *implodes*
I wanna get a cardigan that makes me look like I know a thing or two about cats
I bet Andy Dick's last name isn't really Dick. He just did that to be a dick
[on first date] Me: the ocean in Japan is really beautiful this time of year Her: you been there before? Me: no that shit's gay [makes sex]
Try spelling a six syllable word twice in one sentence and see if you don't need a nap afterwards
I clicked on VIEW TWEET ACTIVITY and nothing happened. It just said "fucking loser" in really small letters?
I have like … really great ideas. Someone should hire me or give me money
*mutes one psycho on twitter* *mutes another psycho in real life*
Fuck yeah it's Friday! *searches for psychotherapist with the most bang for your buck*
I've seen two girls with nice cans chest bump each other so yeah, I believe in magic
[me watching ncaa highlights] Wow these guys are good. Like every shot. Why aren't they on the lakers?
I still can't wrap my mind around old people
[job interview] HR: “Here at AT&T, communication is very important" Me: “I agree. My last job sucked balls. What does communication mean?”
I keep getting followed by sexbots. I guess I really am too sexy for my twitter (so sorry just let me have this PLEASE)
*DROPS MIC* -Robert Durst
Act really excited about getting your prostate exam because I think it's funny and that's all that is important here
When your friends don't think you post enough on facebook:
That moment when the camera zooms in on you and you just pause with a dead stare… and then drool rolls down your face
[at Lloyd Braun's funeral] George Costanza: “Good guy. Great head of hair.”
There's always someone willing to help, to lend a kind ear, to show you love is stronger than all… but fuck them bunch of pussies
911: 911 what's your emergency? Me: 911? My wife is giving me the silent treatment 911 mumbles: I wish my wife gave me the silent treatment
“Those aren't really my parents in those photos. Those are the parents I wish I had” [points to photos of dead people]
[calls 911] 911: 911 what's your emergency? Me: Yeah 911? 911: Yes 911 Me: Are you sure? 911: Sir… Me: 911: Me: 911: Me: Yeah 911? *click*
Does anybody know how to turn off the "share with NSA" option on facebook?
You make me want you to be a better [not completely horrible] you
Anytime I'm told to "cooperate fully" I just play dead
It's really too bad that spiders are super creepy. They could be working for us as living snack transporters
Nothing blows my mind more than a dude with a soul patch AND a barb wire tattoo wrapped around his arm
Life hack: give up
[at funeral] Dad crying: “He was like a son to me” Older son: “He was your son & he's dead now” Dad: “I know man…He was like a son to me”
My instagram is nothing but cats and pie
You can't drink with a straw and wear a Motörhead t shirt. You just can't those are the rules
When facebook starts giving massages, or adds the "dance with a midget" option then I'll pay more attention
Oh wow you're crying? Now I really don't like you
Now it's your instagram that flashes before your eyes when you die
According to me I'm just a couch expert. According to my mom I'm a music expert, a movie expert, a plumber, a mechanic, a scientist, a weath
Today feels like a good day to have a picnic inside my house with the windows open
All this time travel today is making my head hurt
A guy working in a haunted house who just keeps saying "it's tax season, bro"