One day I'm gonna grow old then someday retire and eventually start a youtube channel of me showing off my nunchuck and bow and arrow skills
You're not psychic. You're crazy.
My online dating profile is just a cat poster that says HANG IN THERE
*puts on white tank top, black basketball shorts and a blue bandana*
this is me now, this is how I identify with the world
Aspiring to live that "Libyians in Back to the Future" life
I'm exactly like that guy from street fighter except I can't do any roundhouse kicks or get off my couch
Better idea for an amusement park: Seven Flags
I brought popsicles to a knife fight and ended up walking away with a new best friend.
I live by the life motto that you shouldn't live by life mottos
It’s really a shame that nobody has ever told me how much they love me and how badly they screwed up while I’m trying to board a plane.
Love is posting stuff on the internet about what love is when you're being ignored by the one you wish you were with.
I feel like the word “science” just doesn’t get enough street credit these days.
The great thing about butts is everything.
I have no idea what I’m doing anywhere, anytime.
With today’s technology, you would think that girls named Destiny would be able to predict the future.
Just finished my first screenplay. It's a murder mystery at the Playboy mansion, and to find the killer all the hot girls have to get naked.
I'm afraid that wearing these five year old sweatpants all the time are making people not take me seriously
How am I suppose to get all of these cats from my computer and into my heart?
Ugh. It's like I'm slowly becoming one of those guys that constantly gets older day by day.
Everything I know about sex, I learned from watching the Harry Potter movies.
No worries, ladies. The only sandwich I'll ever ask for is to sit on my face.
You can trust me with your kids if I can fit them in my pants.
My dream woman has an invisible airplane mode button on her nose.
You ever seen a little kid running like he's being chased? That's basically me after having sex.
My dog and I could have so much more fun together if only he had some kind of air drumming skills
I can relate to Donald Trump in a big way anytime I have a staring contest with a brick wall.
You're better off not knowing why, but it turns out I've been watching Intervention incorrectly.
Try getting more into nature by pooping naked with the door open.
It takes serious skills to be this dumb and have this head of hair.
If there's one thing that I'm good at, it's agreeing with women I want to go out with.
People who binge watch Investigation Discovery should seek serious psychiatric help.
[I've been watching Investigation Discovery all day]
There are way too many people that should've been swallowed
The great thing about midgets is you can store them just about anywhere.
THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF TINDER:
• come have sex with me
Today's political mantra:
I wish Tinder had an AWW HELLLL 'NAAHHH option
Weird fact: Every girl I've ever met in person named Kim has the exact same hair style and big loop earrings.
Not trying to brag but I can hum the entire saxophone melody from Careless Whisper without even having to hear it at all.
I know my life is pretty boring cuz I can't figure out how every homeless person has a marker and that's an important issue to me right now
My favorite type of pizza would definitely have to be cleavage
Anybody that isn't me is so full of it
Some people keep a bottle opener on their keychain. I keep a pizza cutter.
Today's the day I like going to work and hiding all of my coworker's stuff while they're not there. What better way to celebrate Easter?
I like to make sure I have a clear and accurate profile picture of me on dating sites so girls can reject me that much quicker.
Spice up your sex life: Cheat on your partner.
”I want you to look into my eyes and feel me farting into your soul.” #HowIFlirt
Anytime you see a guy you are attracted to that guy is me.
Sometimes I like to fantasize about how many fat girls I could have sex with if I worked at Pizza Hut.
Women like a guy who has confidence… I think
The face I make after climbing a 100 foot tree and realizing I don’t know how I’m gonna get back down, and my sex face are exactly the same.