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50 shades of Sugar Ray
What is your favorite movie about impossible missions?
Everything I need to know about twitter I learned from unfollowing people
What if every scientologist had a eerily similar lisp
Not pointing fingers or anything but Katie Holmes' twin sister hasn't been seen since the movie Go and I think scientology killed her
[goes on space exploration spanning 43 years and then returns home] “You have no new messages”
Luke: how come they never found you? Obi Wan Kenobi: I changed my name to Ben Luke: that's it? Obi Wan Kenobi: well… yeah, that's it
Instead of acting, George Clooney just anticipates his next charming smile
[smoking weed] Ed: u high? Al: yea man E: can't tell if I'm high A: yea man E: I think I need more A: yea man E: what do u think? A: yea man
[cop movie becomes sentient] [cop movie morphs with race movie] [cop race movie breaks office building] [cop race movie steals your girl]
To: all the dicks From: me Date: April 7 2015 Re: being dicks You're all dicks. Stop being dicks. Here's the memo. No more excuses. Stop it
Mom: if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you? Me: everyone? Mom: yes Me: so that's where everyone is… wtf which bridge? is Sofiya there?
Life hack: seek professional help
Kinda wanna be a cop, but a cop who wears a bow tie cuz it says I'm the power here but I'm also a total jackass
I wanna rue some shit. HARD. I don't even know what the fuck rue means but I'm finna rue some shit SO FUCKING HARD
Every easter weekend I go into work when nobody's there and hide everyone’s important stuff
50 shades of hot mixtape fire
[hides my mixtapes all over the house for easter] [2 hours later house is on fire]
I'm so happy that April fools is over now and that I'm actually NOT pregnant
Lawyer: There was a lot of confusion about the series final Tony Soprano: So… I'm dead L: You're dead? T: Forget about it L: I'm so confused
Lawyer: why'd you do it? Tony Soprano: forget about it L: WHY TONY WHY? T: it was the guy ubudugfalonispudini FORGET ABOUT IT L: case closed
Is fresh air really fresh? We'll be asking the hard questions when we come back [commercial of Jesus riding a dinosaur] Narrater: ALLSTATE
I've been unfollowed by some pretty big accounts so yeah, I'm kind of a big deal [goes home and cries]
If I ever have kids then I'll probably be living that "guy who's kids are actually swordfish" life
Laura: So when did you get back? Karen: Three days ago. I thought I'd be here sooner Laura: Oh no I'm sorry. I meant when did you get fat?
How to make a depressing song: -play acoustic guitar slow -mumble slowly -repeat words a lot -obscurely reference heroin -be Leonard Cohen
“The story of your life could be right around the corner” oh god I hope not
[channel surfing] channel 2 Edward Norton: just take it easy channel 3 Edward Norton: take it easy channel 23 Edward Norton: ok take it easy
Hey girl you wanna bump tacos?
[weatherman drops dead during update] Anchorman who's having an affair with the weatherman's wife: HAHA!! ALRIGHT! and now to sports, Kip!
I don't know a damn thing about memory loss
Montage of me getting ready for some serious shit and then going to Wendy's
I call everyone Bucko because it's like instant fear in the form of a frightening audio sample spewing from the mouth Bucko
There are times in my life when I don't feel like a man and then there are times when I smell like a Chevy truck commercial
Guys named Greg seem to have all the answers about hamsters
Not a cop1: why'd you do it? [slams desk] Kid: [crying] Not a cop1: WHY? [breaks lamp] Kid: for girls Not a cop2: lol we're totally not cops
Scientology: the church of John Madden
I wanna start a company just so I can do the whole "100th new hire gets a surprise party that turns into an intervention" thing
Aspiring to live that "Libyians in Back to the Future" life
What I love the most about my MacBook is that it totally validates my antisocial behavior
*puts on white tank top, black basketball shorts and a blue bandana* this is me now, this is how I identify with the world
Personally I'm not Jewish but the kids I'm gonna have one day will be
[voicemail greeting] “Sorry I can't get to the phone right now. I'm just sitting here doing nothing. Absolutely nothing at all” *BEEP*
I like to hang out at my friend Todd's house cuz he's a couple years older than me and he gets laid sometimes
I'm exactly like that guy from street fighter except I can't do any roundhouse kicks or get off my couch
911: 911 emergency response Me: St. Louis Missouri 911: sir? Me: I'd like the # to Pizza Hut 911: this is 911 not 411 Me: ITS AN EMERGENCY!!
The face I make after climbing a 100 foot tree and realizing I don't know how I'm gonna get back down and my sex face are identical
Cop: “Any sharp objects on you?” Me: “Yeah my mixtapes. Sharp as fuck and FIRE like icy hot B” Cop: “B?” Me: “Shaolin WHAT!” [gets arrested]
I'm sorry I put my balls on your grandma's chin and said “doesn't she look better with my balls on her chin” at your dad's funeral

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