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Silver Bell
Getting married and drunk texting are the exact same thing.
Getting married is like doing something stupid.
Gauges are like telescopes into that person's future.
Sometimes when I laugh it looks like I'm doing wrestling moves. Make me laugh hard enough and I'll pile drive you.
I met your mom on black people meet dot com.
Poker players who wear sunglasses are just afraid that people will find out they have the herpes.
I'm sterile and so is my dad and his dad and his dad and his dad.
Sometimes I wish I was cat… with a masters degree in existentialism. Yeah.
Women like a guy who has a plan. At least, that's what I've heard. Don't take my word for it.
A good friend of mine is bipolar but doesn't know anything about it.
"Not that I have a problem with that" -what every guy says after pointing out another guy is gay
Must be really hard to discipline your meth-addicted child after they've cleaned your entire house when they were high.
[calls bowling alley] Me: "Do you have 10lb balls?" Employee: "Yes" Me: "Then how do you walk?" Employee: "Your mom emptied them last night"
I'd say I'm pretty good at things, as long as they don't involve stuff.
This whole "being white thing" just isn't working out how I hoped it would.
Me:Did it hurt? Her:When I fell from heaven? M:When u broke your nose H:I didn't break my nose M:U look like Owen Wilson H:I am Owen Wilson
The gym might as well be Big Foot to me. I've heard of it before but never seen the inside of one with my own eyes.
Did you know you can sync Michael Jackson's Thriller to the original Halloween movie and you'll still be super lonely with a boring life?
"Things will get better" -my daily mantra
Probably not a good idea to post videos of your cat online if your cat is an axe murderer.
If a girl has a boyfriend just wrestle the boyfriend and win then live happily ever after. But make sure you win. Otherwise it doesn't work.
Prediction: A football team will win the Super Bowl and everything will go back to normal.
Prediction: Katy Perry wins Super Bowl CAUSE BABY SHE'S A FIREWORK!!
If anyone can stop the Seahawks from winning back-to-back Super Bowls, then it's gotta be Katy Perry.
As long as the Seahawks score more points than the other team, then the Seahawks should win today's game. (said in a John Madden accent)
Ask your mom if joining a breakdancing battle crew is right for you.
Nice guys finish last, unless they're having sex. Then they finish way before anyone else.
2010 is like, so 5 years ago.
How do we know that Channing Tatum isn't a terminator sent from the future? Think about it. Or don't. Whatever.
For when you're feeling lonely, Snickers satisfies your butt™.
Kid: "Well he was wearing cool sunglasses when he threatened me so it kinda made it that much cooler, you know?" Surfer Cop: "Totally, brah"
When I'm dead, I hope to be remembered for all the pictures of other people's cats I've posted on the internet.
It's not you. It's your twitter account.
Relationship Status: hanging out in this tree practicing my George McFly impressions.
Ugh it's like I'm slowly becoming one of those guys that constantly gets older day by day.
All I want to do with my life is impress girls with my karate skills & not be questioned about my extensive knowledge of hair care products.
I wanna start a cartel. Not for money or drugs. I just want to be surrounded by dudes with mustaches and machine guns who will do as I say.
Asian woman who doesn't speak English too well emoticon
Don't make me stand on the hood of a muscle car, with a giant wind machine to blow my hair, just to prove my love for you. Seriously, don't.
It's always been a dream of mine to be a game show host. So go ahead and tell people that. Spread it around.
I'm starting a new club where we watch the movie Navy SEALs every Friday night (shirtless) while we drink soda and high five all night.
Never been that good at relationships because I always start breakdancing instead of having an argument.
Favorite part of my day is when I get to point out that I have a slightly better hair cut than someone else.
Sorry, can't help you. I'm busy pretending to be busy whenever you're needing help.
I'm not a doctor but I have a prescription for you to shut the hell up.
The Girl With The Fire Breathing Vagina
I like walking in on people having sex and yelling "I GOT WINNER!!"
I'm not saying guys would have sex with a goat, but if it was a really hot goat then they probably would.
I wanna be that guy that comes along and just changes everything, but like, in a really bad way.
Your dad still thinks you could do better.