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JonJon Brown
Twitter: For when you're in desperate need of being completely overlooked and basically forgotten.
Nobody has nominated me for that stupid ALS challenge because I don't have any friends :[
I don't believe in denial.
Or Hot Pockets. RT @GageBoston: The extra pockets in these cargo shorts are great for carrying my virginity around.
Lot of people these days need the autocorrect version for their lives.
Don't think I'll ever be 100% sober because I still don't know if it's "on the wagon" or "off the wagon." And wtf is a wagon anyway?
A short action film that's only 15 minutes of tough guys getting into black vans and slamming their doors shut. And looking tough as fuck.
I got two turntables and an overwhelming sense of dread since the age of three.
Dude: "Hey what're you thinking about?" Dude: "Being a bird flying through the sky, going anywhere I want. And then pooping on people."
You can't win an argument with a gay dolphin. You just can't.
It'd be so cool to get my face carved in next to Tom Cruise and Jack Nicholson on Mount Rushmore.
I love being on twitter so much because where else can I be constantly ignored by over 3000 people that follow me?
This is what happens when you kill an unarmed kid.
Hey girl, I hope you gotta big trunk… *takes off sunglasses* cause I'm about to fill it with $88 of chocolate pudding.
Ugh it's like I'm slowly becoming one of those guys that constantly gets older day by day.
I just don't think we mesh that well. You see, I'm more like hip hop music and you're vegan.
Wait in line at the bank and act like you're on your phone. Say "I'm at the bank now. IF YOU TOUCH HER I WILL KILL YOU" then withdraw $13.
My doctor put me on this new medication that makes me keep telling people that my doctor put me on this new medication.
I know how to get the party started: I tell people I was the black guy in the movie 8 Mile.
The future is yours, so don't be a penis. Literally.
Thinking about starting a company selling jeans that help bring out people's insecurities and self doubts. I'll call it "Jeans."
Jesus and his apostles were the original Wu Tang Clan.
"Til death do us part" is kind of a deal breaker for me.
Plot twist: I want to pee on it.
Really bitch? Writing a check in 2014 at the grocery store with other people in line behind you? Really bitch?
I'm about to take this shit to the next level and start printing shirts with my most recently eaten meals on them.
Think I'm gonna try getting in touch more with my Irish ancestry by changing my last name to McWhalepenis.
New goal in life: Work "I just can't say no to you" in as many conversations with women as possible.
Get people talking about you on facebook: Start horrible rumors about everyone you know.
Just gonna start replying "shits deep son" to every single tweet I read.
You add one local stripper as a friend on facebook and all hell* breaks loose. *pants
Childbirth is a beautiful thing but if I ever get pregnant then I'll no doubt be putting it up for auction.
When you think about it, free range chickens aren't really that free. Not when their mind is in a prison.
I'm assuming I'm still single because I don't know how to buy tampons.
I want to set up a situation where at least ten different guys all send a girl the same dick pic. But only after she asks to see it.
Skyler didn't leave Walt because of all his lying. She left him because of that awful pink sweater he was wearing. #BreakingBad
I need to find an American flag speedo and start wearing it everywhere on the internet.
Ever notice how everyone in the CVS pharmacy dresses like a woman? And that they're all women?
I only judge people who shop at Walmart.
It's no coincidence that every Oscar winning movie ever has someone saying "I gotta bad feeling about this" in it.
People in wheelchairs must really hate watching people take an elevator.
I still don't know what I'm doing anywhere.
The internet can be a dangerous place so make sure you wear birth control.
Something tells me that 1%er biker gangs aren't that good at math.
Someone needs to dress up as Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds and go to Comic Con.
I have no clue what being an adult is supposed to be like.
Even the word sobriety is already sick of itself.
Watching television on my tv.
My self esteem just hasn't been the same since never being crowned my high school's homecoming queen.
If you tell me to "make myself at home" then I'm probably gonna "get naked" and "drink all your milk."