Watching hockey.There's a team called the Ottawa Senators? The Senators?? Whats' their power? Sleeping with young male interns in bathrooms?
Happy, uhh, truthfully I'm not sure what you did today Mexicans, but thanks for giving us Americans a chance to eat a little more guacamole.
Read, 'wettest April ever measures 8.54 inches' & muttered "that's what she said' to no one in particular.
Who am I even talking to anymore?
Newest blog post about the strange ways that dreams can come true, joeyguse.com/2013/04/keep-o…
Florida is 500 years old today.
Coincidentally so are most of the people there..
Easy on the roast pig Jobu. That's your 3rd hamhock.You've got a big flight tomorrow.A little fish wouldn't kill you.
Inspired by my near death (slight exaggeration) in a kitchen accident, an essay about how quickly life can change.
For the love of God get well Lil Wayne. The world needs your lighthearted ditties about pimpin' hoes and murdering your enemies...
Had a shamrock shake today. Cause nothing says "Irish Pride" like a cup full of processed sugar & fat with green food coloring. #Eingobragh
Pope Francis- "Any of you homos call me Francis. I'll kill you.. Any of you homos touch my stuff. I'll kill you. #popefromstripes
Dennis Rodman is in Vatican City promoting the African guy for pope. That's the guy you send?? That's like the redheads sending Carrot Top..
My newest blog post about how we look at the nature of time. joeyguse.com/2013/03/be-her…
I can't help but think my 2nd day without a shower may have been responsible for that Blackhawks win today.
You gotta respect a streak..
It's the pope's last day on the job today. How do you celebrate that? Cupcakes? A Gold Watch? An alter boy jumping out of a cake??
My newest blog post about my experiences with seasonal affective disorder joeyguse.com/2013/02/sad.ht…
Pope quits today, saying he would like to get to know some of his new twitter followers, including "Bitchez ain't shit" and "I ain't no ho."
If February was a person, it would be the fat kid who ran the projector and always reminded the teacher that she forgot to give homework.
Did Ray Lewis kill the lights???
SWEAR I just saw Boomer Esiason's nipple during the halftime show..
It's a shame Michael Oher doesn't play for San Fran. Seems like it would be important for someone to watch your "Blind Side" in that town.
My TV is stuck on "The View" & the remote is buried in the couch.
Think I'm just gonna hang outside in the freezing rain for a while..
Church bells on Sunday feel a like a loud, religious touchdown dance. We get it. You are pious & we are cleaning up Taco Bell wrappers.
My newest blog post about remembering to quit sweating the small stuff. joeyguse.com/2013/01/its-al…
"All we are is dust in the wind"? Kind of a dickhead song if you ask me.Don't need music telling me I'm nothing.That's what families are for
Jesus,James Franco is reading a poem at the inauguration today? Is that the new standard?What's next? Carrot Top doing political prop jokes?
Not one to brag, but pledged to lose 30 pounds this year, and am only 37 pounds short of my goal so far. #letshearitfortheboy
My newest blog post about accepting criticism better.
Remembering the good times with my cousin, who lost his battle with cancer. RIP my friend. joeyguse.com/2012/12/rememb…
How dare you demand I just "bring you some figgy pudding" Christmas carolers.
That stuff isn't just lying around..
My newest blog post abou taking the time to notice the little things.. joeyguse.com/2012/12/the-li…
Completely done working this year. Now to begin the transition from respected psychologist to holiday buffoon.
Not a terribly long trip..
OMG Rhianna!! How could you take dat fool Chris Brown back. #papaldisbeleif
Shut yo damn mouth Nicki Manaj #lordsmitethisbitch
Half my clothes are packed & the other half are dirty. My choices are a red sweater or a blue sweater vest..
Don we now our gay apparel...
Watching the Bears today, I feel like Clark Griswold did when he got that "Jelly of the month" membership instead of his Christmas bonus..
At Walmart. Looks like they're having an ugly sweater party here without telling me.1st place? A year's supply of Diabetes testing supplies.
Just bought a "Family Pack" of pop tarts.. That should last me at least until the end of January.
In your face Mayans....
My newest blog post about finding your adventure when you've lost it.
So the New Orleans Hornets just changed their name to the "Pelicans." Because nothing says "bad-ass" like a free standing water bird..
I find muttering "keep the change ya filthy animal"when paying for something really keeps me in the Christmas spirit this time of year
Breaking news, after 19 kids, Duggar mom gives birth to litter of puppies..
Called my boss a "bald turd" last night, thinking my powerball numbers had won. Turns out it was a Walgreens receipt.
Well this is awkward..
Telling Facebook to stop using your stuff is like yelling, "I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!" and expecting all of your debts to be wiped out..
Woke up to grizzled Polish laborers working in my house. I feel like the Big Lebowski when those German Nihilists came in & peed on his rug.
So everybody wish me luck! Starting a new diet. It's one day of excessive working out and obsessing about health and then 6 cheat days.
My newest blog post about taking the time to take the time,
Celebrating Thanksgiving in the bosom of my family. Seriously. I can see my mom's bosom. It's making me terribly uncomfortable..
Chris Christie in tears, saying "we can rebuild the Jersey Shore, but once those Twinkies are gone. they're gone forever."
New patient-Do you validate parking?
Me- No, but we do validate feelings.
NP- So, no on the parking?
Me:(head down, joke fail)- No parking
Facebook rule, the more a uses "☺" or "♥" in their posts, the more likely they are to post a lot of shit about Twilight and bake sales..
World Diabetes Awareness is today, or "Wilford Brimley Day" as it's known around my house.. pic.twitter.com/TRt0g4KT