They’re right, Luke Friend does do something very unique. Not many people style their hair with Febreeze. #xfactor
There will soon be a £5k fine for adults who buy cigarettes for kids. That’s annoying. What am I going to get my nieces for xmas now?
British teenage girls are the 2nd worst boozers in the world. Typical, if they weren’t out drinking all the time they might have come top.
EU chiefs ate caviar at a conference for global poverty. A visitor said ‘there was something revolting about this’. Yeah, it’s fish eggs.
A 23 year old spent £250k because she wanted to ‘live Barbie’s lifestyle’. What? She wanted to lie naked under a sofa wearing only one shoe?
I feel sorry for Dappy but it’s not all bad news. The horse has just won a BRIT Award for its services to music.
Dappy now has beef with a horse. Which is not something you usually get, unless you buy it from Tescos.
Dappy has been kicked in the face by a horse. God, that must have hurt. I send my best wishes and hope the horse gets better soon.
Freud said the necktie is a symbol for the penis. Presumably cos you can get long ones, short ones and ones covered in spots.
Nigella’s worried about her cooking career. She won’t be able to look at a cocktail sausage and 2 pickled walnuts without thinking of her ex
It’s December so I’ve put on my Christmas jumper. It’s a normal jumper just with Baileys and brandy butter down the front of it.
Thanksgiving chaos in USA as their turkeys weren’t fat enough. Either that or the turkeys were normal and this is an issue of scale.
Congratulations to Tom Daley on his new romance. I suppose it's good news & bad news. Tom Daley is not just out, he's out of your league.
Today is ‘Cyber Monday’. If you don’t know, Cyber Monday is the online Black Friday, which I think is the high street Pancake Tuesday.
The Class of '92 is out today. I was in that year but weirdly didn't get picked for the team. amzn.to/IkGKJ9
Jacko’s hat sold for £4k. I assume it came pre attached to his hair, nose and glasses.
Michael Jackson’s hat sold for 4k. So Michael Jackson was real?! I thought he was just a story made up to frighten naughty children.
Simon Cowell has had even more Botox. It's probably time to stop when your Madame Tussauds waxwork looks more lifelike than you do.
Fred Sanger has died. He was described as 'the father of DNA testing.' Yes but was he its REAL father? If only there was a way to check.
A man who won £148m on the lottery is divorcing his wife. He’s 43 bald and about 18 stone. Where’s he going to find another woman?
Tonight's episode of 8 Out Of 10 Cats is a 1 hour special. Don't miss it, its on C4 at 10pm
Women who want a big bum like Kim Kardashian can now spend £6 on padded knickers from ASDA . Or £6 on doughnuts from Greggs.
Can I take a moment to recommend my new DVD 'Laughing & Joking'. If you buy it now you can watch it before you give it as a xmas gift.
The Govt are introducing new internet porn filters. Great. Can I set it to filter out all the soft stuff?
Brand new Funny Business tour dates have been added at Hammersmith Apollo, Brixton Academy and Dublin Olympia: jimmycarr.com/live/
Hull has been named UK City of Culture. What's next? Making Penzance UK City of Reggae?
A 32 stone French man was banned from flying by British Airways. BA says its already got enough jumbos.
A 32 stone French man has was banned by BA cos he's too big. His airline options are now limited. Virgin? I'm guessing so.
Tie Rack has gone bust. Where will I go now when I find myself on the High St in need of a tie? M&S. Next. Or John Lewis. I suppose.
Happy b’day Ryan Giggs. Though be careful, if you sing him Happy Birthday you're still not legally allowed to name him at the end.
This week 2003 Concorde makes its last ever flight, low over Bristol. The town is abuzz for weeks with talk of 'a strange iron bird'
This week 1877 Thomas Edison demonstrates the worlds first ever phonograph. Which I assume must be some sort of record.
This week 2005 1st face transplant ever in France. Hardest part of the operation is getting the French surgeon to wash his hands.
Katherine Jenkins has been in Helmand. The troops were delighted to see a pair of big bazookas. Protecting her from Taliban attack.
They say that Co-op boss was caught spending £300 on crack and meth. I'd like to see Sainsbury's Price Match that.
Co op boss Paul Flowers has been arrested for buying drugs. Police have described him as 'cooperative.'
I have a suspicion I may have looked odd when taking this photo. pic.twitter.com/5lwzLadTHA
People aren’t buying James Arthur’s album because of something he said on Twitter. Did they really need another reason?
Apparently Middle class shoplifters are stealing gammon and parmesan to ‘maintain their lifestyles’. From when? The 80s.
The top items stolen from shops are gammon and parmesan. Which begs the question, what the hell are these people making?
2014 Men in Kilts calendar of ‘hunky Scotsmen’ doesn’t contain any Scottish people. Which is weird because Scots are hunky with a capital C
RT Tonight's @TheGNShow
line-up: David Tennant, Matt Smith, Emma Thompson, @robbiewilliams
& me pic.twitter.com/qUI2mDc50n
I’ve just read about a woman that was born without a vagina. No way. Me too!
Make sure you catch the new 8 Out Of 10 Cats episode tonight at 9pm.
Michael Jackson’s hat he wore for Billie Jean is up for sale. Come on, don’t tell me that was most interesting thing in Michael’s closet.
Brand new Funny Business tour dates have been added in Southampton, Crawley, Dartford and Swansea! jimmycarr.com/live/
I've added another date in Sydney on 31 Jan. The pre-sale starts now! tinyurl.com/nl42wb7
Talk about being outclassed. I look like I've won a competition to be in that room. pic.twitter.com/47yHZGJzGG
: Today's purchase makes it @jimmycarr
dvd number 8 pic.twitter.com/OUIJxUr0vS
I’m a Celebrity has been hit by a shortage of witchetty grubs. And it would appear, a shortage of celebrities.