I have some cheap champagne in the fridge, I might bust that baby wide-open!!
I'm scatting if anyone asks lol
I've just got back from the gym, out of breath and panting, I sit with my top off on the bed checking my tweets, sweat beading down my back.
Men are like Bluetooth .....
Women are like Wi-Fi ....... pic.twitter.com/073ZqPWD9d
"THOSE crazy enough to think they can change the world.... often do"
I made my own pizza at the supermarket today, bring on pizza time!
Mince pies & custard with a dollop of ice cream on top for afters...
Just watching the end of inside gatwick which should really be called
well, to me your a giant. You tower over me and make me feel about 4ft lol
Thank goodness I didnt reverse psychology you, Im still dizzy from that TL love!
Thanks for the cup @JGFMercedes
When you're tweeting on an iPad and then you switch to your phone doesn't feel like you're a giant!!
Some dude I work with stole my plastic toy rat. He gave it back today so I bought him a cake. If he wasn't before, he should be scared now.
Who let all these woman out of the kitchen??? This meeting is missing weiners. BAD.
I'm I the only one who has a random pie chart ready to be opened for whenever my boss comes in to ask me something?
At this point, i'm pretty sure my parents keep me around solely because I do their dirty ass laundry.
I gave this whole "being normal" thing a shot. Worse 5 minutes of my life.
I refreshed my inbox and nothing new came in. Those goddamned inbox have agendas.
Told myself I wouldn't start the day without writing a clever tweet. Am now 2 hours late.
I mentally punch most of my clients in the face.
One more person says 12/12/12 only happens once in a life time, i'm gonna lose it. EVERY date only happens once. That's how time works.
Don't follow me, I suck.
*waits for reverse psychology to work*
Legally, it's questionable. Morally, it's despicable. Personally, I love it!
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
PornHub has a sharing feature via Google+.... That's stupid, I don't want my friend to know I'm using Google+
I have my shit together, I just forgot where I left it.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
A bachelor party is like a funeral for the fun part of your life...
Another day wasted (I haven't only just got up, I'm not quite that bad lol)... CFS & insomnia, please DO ONE!
Wish my mouth had autocorrect built in sometimes ,the shit it gets me into.
DO YOU THINK THIS ACTUALLY WORKS TO LESSEN FOREHEAD WRINKLES?
My friend she literally swears it's FUCKING brilliant! pic.twitter.com/jobhpTt5uj
If you look hard enough and long enough virtually every original thought you've had has already been tweeted by done bollox...
Following the coach on the motorway suddenly an eruption of water out the back, someone must have flushed the chain, piss water over my car!
If you look hard enough and long enough virtually original thought you've had has already been said...
It's hard enough to get out of bed in the morning as it is...
Made worse when you're given a good reason to stay in it..
PEOPLE WHO I'M NOT ATTRACTED TOO:
-always want to see me
-live round the corner
PEOPLE I'M ATTRACTED TOO;
-never have time
-live to far away
He said we needed to talk so I removed my clothing
Okay. I promise ill start being funny now.
you know, Spontaneity
I don't mind being called some horrible name if you add something really cute after it
For example, 'cunt muffin'.
Humor is an awesome coping skill for anger, boredom & depression. This is why married people are so funny.
I am a woman. Everything means something.
I am a man. Most things mean absolutely nothing.
For everyone who has ever been told to "pipe down"....
...welcome to twitter, all pipes accepted here, encouraged AND RT'd!!!
If u are thinking about having kids, make sure bathroom privacy is low on your priority list...
WHAT?! A trophy from @JGFMercedes
? Thank you! Who knew we’d learn more about grammar from twitter than school?
I'm on a really rickety old train, it's squeaking & vibrating down the line, uncomfortable, but I have tons of leg room for a change, result
If you didn't distract me so much...I would get a lot more shit done...but it wouldn't be nearly as much fun.
Let's be real..every girl is easy, if you're attractive enough.
Rumor has it Tom Daley's boyfriend is a fellow Olympian......
my money's on Fatima Whitbread