Spending time with my Dad for Earth Day.
Whatever, you can't tell me what to do, Dad!
Just had lunch on the moon. Food was great, but there was no atmosphere.
Look you can't keep calling me every time you stub your toe.
Ugh only 12 people responded to my dinner E-vite.
Guys, guys, I'll be back Friday.
All this talk of the new Pope is so gay.
Look at your life.
Now look at me.
Now back at your life.
Ok me again...
You should just live your life.
Lance, you could have came to me first!
Look guys, I ain't blessing y'all anymore just because you sneezed. Didn't sign up for that.
Well if I didn't walk on water, I would get very tipsy
Well, did you die trying?
This is not the year you're looking for
Thanks guys, but I think I'm just going to spend my birthday alone this year.
Update: World ends tomorrow! (c'mon guys, just act like it for me)
Dad just told me he was Santa. This ruins everything.
Oh my god so many voicemails!
Oh right — was that today?!
Okay, birthday theme this year is black tie.
So over these Birkenstocks!
Sister Simone? Yeah we're pretty tight.
There was no miracle on 34th street. A guy owed me money and I had a good real estate agent.
I heard you. Rest assured, those who kill children.... I will fight you, and you will lose.
It'll be a cold day in Hell, I just know it.
, can I get a follow back!
I was thinking maybe this year I would take Santas job. Make a few mall appearances, travel the world, then relax for the year.
Already standing in line for Jew Friday
Just voted in favor of my Mom's vagina.
Just watched the American debates. The way they spoke about the folks up top really make me uncomfortable.
The biggest idea's are still in the box
Just now getting my hands dirty with my new iPhone 6.
Neil, you're gonna be so sad we temporarily moved heaven to the moon. But on the other hand, you, Michael, dance off, go!
Mom always told me she had a magic vagina... I should have know all women have them.