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A monster hates kids and steals their Christmas presents. Basically me. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
When I first saw Justin Bieber's mug shot I thought they'd added a cute new lesbian on "Orange is the New Black."
Retweeted by jerry
Joan Rivers' body has been donated to medical research to create a fully artificial human being.
RIP Joan Rivers. Hell will smell like burnt plastic now and I'll see you there soon. Thus ends the life of a great comedian.
Fuck you, you, and you. Oh, and of course, fuck YOU.
My response to everything is either 'no' or 'I don't know.'
Labor Day was really fun. Every wknd should be 3 days. We can still have 5 workdays, we'll just add a day on the end. We'll call it Flursday
Retweeted by jerry
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before he got married? Feyoncé.
I've just blinked again. Several times.
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Happy Labor Day! Does that mean pregnant women will suddenly be screaming in pain?
Peeing in the shower to save water. You're welcome California.
Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their ass with an iPad.
I love my bacon Crispi. "@NBCLA: Woman named Crispi set fire with burned bacon"
.@MelRivers @Joan_Rivers From one struggling comedian to another, don't die. I don't think the devil would like the smell of burnt plastic.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
I just found out Hello Kitty isn’t a cat. She does appear to have whiskers. I’m not judging. I’m just piecing this all together for myself.
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Nah, I ain't got Snapchat. I'm old fashioned. Just fax it to me. Fax me the nudes.
Cat? More like soft, vibrating pillow.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. If u still don't succeed, stop trying. Your not good. Try making those loom braclets or somthing
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*16 year old girl voice* Um, shut the fuck up. Thanks.
Bang bang all over you..if you know what I mean. ;) Cum.
I can never not eat a banana sexually.
I'm reporting my mom for child abuse because she keeps making me to go to school. It's not good 4 my helth.
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Shout out to water for keeping my throat lubricated for optimal yodeling techniques.
*sees a cat* Me: Holy shit.
when you finally get to piss after waiting for hours
Help, I've fallen and I don't want to get up.
If you don't succeed at first, then quit.
"Do you like money?" "¥€$."
Don't fucking touch my pizza.
RIP Robin Williams and for us still alive, remember to seize the day, or "YOLO."
"Cute! She got fatter. Aw adorable family. Bad haircut. I wasn't invited to that. Ugh it's her birthday? I hate people" -Scrolling Facebook
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I automatically assume everyone finds me unattractive until they tell me otherwise.
What do you mean thesaurus isn't a dinosaur?
"To shit, or not to shit, that is the question." @midnight #ShartQuotes
"I have a dream that my four little children will...not be judged by the color of their skin, but by..their shit." @midnight #ShartQuotes
"Everything in moderation, shit in excess." Help I have massive diarrhea right now. @midnight #ShartQuotes
If I'm not eating, I'm most likely not happy.
*drinks vodka* *gags* "Ugh I hate vodka." *drinks vodka*
"Your lips look so chapped."
98% of my brain is occupied with preparations for things that will never happen.
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I'm naked and alone at home watching "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." Livin' the life.
"Everyone has their off days" I tell myself 16 days in a row.
I have three moods: - 420 - 69 - 666