Kitty always kreeping on kool Kris. Sometimes, kitty follows me into the bathroom. What a perv. I never masturbate in front of him because I'm not a monster. Can't expose my child to that. And because the NSA is using my cat for surveillance.
The pussy eating the booty. The rough tongue of the cat does not feel good. Girls, if my cat eat booty, then yo man (or woman) can eat the booty too.
"Bitches ain't shit and they ain't sayin nothin. A hundred motherfuckers can't tell me nothin." That's what my cat thinks of me. I don't think. I'm stupid. I would use another word but political correctness is the bane of any joke. Retard. There. I said it. My cat retards me when I do work because h
Met the Attorney General and Vice President...of Scandal. These two are lovebirds but the AG is secretly with the VP's Chief of Staff. Now that's a scandal. Thank god it wasn't the real Attorney General and Vice President because they would have me executed on sight.
"You're a fuck up Kylie. Fuck you Kylie. You fucking piece of shit!" The piece of shit that I dropped into the toilet as I was taking this pic. I love myself.
#damndaniel featuring "a drink" in a @theellenshow cup. I'm thirsty. My shoes are dirty. Clothes are stupid in California because it's so hot all the time. Let's be naked instead. Except you, @realdonaldtrump.
I'm a lonely cat lady. Cats are friends. Potatoes are also friends. Friends the TV show was great. Cheese graters. My face looks like it's been run through one. One Direction. #cat #Catholic (because cats) #onedirection #single
"This isn't about her. This is about ME." I RELATE TO THIS SO MUCH. �#Scandal
Maybe I should get a therapist too... 🙄�@kerrywashington
Curled up on the couch watching #Scandal
and celebrating #NationalDrinkWineDay
. This is the life. @ScandalABC
Avoiding eye contact with the haters. Also looking in the direction of a @tacobell because I wasn't invited to #NYFW.
Not invited to #NYFW because this 60 year old is too good for them. No papz please.
All black everything... ...except for the dick that made me famous.
It's raining because I'm sad that I wasn't invited to #NYFW.
Happy Valentine's Day. I'm very single and so ready to mingle. Cupid shot me in the ass. The Hearty Black Man gave me three boxes of candy. We're married now.
It's as hot as SoCal right now here in SoCal. I'm going to move to Canada to experience seasons. My butt is sweating. I hydrate with @theellenshow water. The hat gave me pubic lice. I got Pooh on my shoes.
Nothing better to deal with terrible allergies than watching #KocktailsWithKhloe
I'm officially blowing my cover as a secret, geriatric North Korean spy. I'm here to off this old man and become a rich widow. There's a bar of gold in the Chanel purse. There's a bar of Twix in my pants. Come get it.
The bush atop my head got hungry and ate a brush. The bush downstairs needs a trimming. George Bush caused 9/11. Jeb Bush is not going to win. #kanye2020
I'm not smiling not because this mask restricts me from smiling, but because I'm dead inside. As dead as Alan Rickman, David Bowie, Glenn Frey, and every irrelevant person who died this year. Sorry if that statement offended you. My face should offend you more. I need ten bag of Milanos. Kimoji's up
Honestly, I feel like Kim doesn't pay me enough. I deserve at least 50%. I gave birth to her. She has half of me in her. The other 50% that's inside her is Kanye. I hate going through menopause.
Here is a creature called "little bitch ass hoe" eating my cookies. Three cookies because one for me, one for "little bitch ass hoe," and one for our Lord and savior, Kesha. There's a party at a rich dude's house and none of you are invited.
For every tweet and retweet with #BellLetsTalk
today, 5¢ goes to mental health initiatives. So, let’s see how many retweets we can get.
do you love me and my cat #EllenQandA
Serving up that Splenda Daddy action. Mm fake sugar. Because I'm fake. I actually prefer Sugar in the Raw. Because I like it raw. Just kidding, practice safe sex kiddos. Or not, if you want to catch STDs, get pregnant, and die.
Here is a pic of a sick-lesbian-producer-type person. Don't eat ass or you'll get sick. This isn't my hat. I took it off of a homeless guy. I'm such a saint. I watch porn on the TVs in the back.
Hi this is my little chicken. His name is Kyle. He likes to be beaten and choked. Don't call PETA if I choke the chicken. Kyle likes eating all my pita bread. DO YOU WANT ME TO EAT YOU KYLE?? BECAUSE I WILL.
There's two bitches in this picture. The human's hair was used as a mop. The dog creature's name is Ginger. Sometimes, I like to slice up ginger and eat it with my sushi. Sushi is raw fish. It's not the only meat I eat raw. Steak. Yum.
Good evening my little children. I am the night wanderer. There is cat feces on my face. It smells of dead babies. I'll creep into your room at night and lie next to you in bed. Don't worry, I won't touch you in any places like Uncle Larry did. I'll just stab you in the belly button and watch blood
I can't wait to buy 1.3 billion tacos when I win the $1.3B #Powerball
This is a picture of the sunset. A sunset indicates the transition to night. During the night the vampires come out to suck the blood of all the non-virgins. Just know that Edward Cullen has sucked your dad.
Hi these are my only friends. Sometimes the bunny lifts up her skirt and flashes me. I like to sit in between the bear's crotch. The bear's crotch is soft. At night, they tell me that all the little boys and girls want to play with them. Too bad. They're mine. They help me get through the stress bro
Cat and boy are up to no good. Trump is also up to no good. Boy bothers cat. Trump bothers America. Hmm, what happened to America Ferrera? Remember her in Ugly Betty? Also, calling someone ugly is quite rude. Everyone is beautiful, except Trump. And me.
Because no one else matters. I'm the real star here. Kris Jenner is what keeps this family together. The spirit of the Grinch is strong in this one. Happy Festivus.
Merry late Christmas ya filthy animals. Thanks for global warming. Santa doesn't exist. Jesus is genderfluid. Merry life.
Am I Kris Jenner yet?
My friend has never seen Star Wars...
Friend: There's a Luke, right?
Friend: And that little green dude...Yodi??
Me: You die.
I broke the condom
Before and after plastic surgery. Thank you @ekroincoa for the terrific results!! I'm so much happier and more self confident!
wine and my tinder experiences
Smiling through the pain of college apps :)
To everyone I hate which is basically everyone
How deep is your "love?" Like the ocean... vine.co/v/izWVrhH33me
Tryna jam to #Adele25
, but it's TOO SAD #yesthosetearsarereal
jk no theyre not I'm crying bc #Scandal
winter finale vine.co/v/iuIApJv2WVE
I'm lonely and getting wet what's new
Trying to pray to the house of God and then Satan attacks the camera.
ITS HALLOWEEN AND IM SITTING AT HOME EATING A WHOLE BAG OF REESES PEANUT BUTTER CUPS.
Thanks for asking.
People and kids who go trick-or-treating the night before Halloween. Jerks.
, also known as National Lonely People Day.
Me: I had a bad day.
Me: Don't say same. It makes me want to kill you.