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Just know that your dead grandma is smoking weed with Jesus. Happy 4/20.
The ending of Fast and Furious 7 made me bawl like a girl watching The Notebook.
Happy Easter! The Easter Bunny just gave me rabies. I hate Easter.
Cats are popular on the Internet because dog people actually go outside.
Using WD-40 to lubricate my butthole because I'm constipated.
Happy Passover to all my nonexistent Jew friends. I'm very lonely.
Cat hair is lonely people glitter.
I almost hate myself as much as I hate @realDonaldTrump.
Zayn Malik leaving One Direction is SO MUCH more important than the Germanwings plane crash. Millions of fangirl deaths vs. 150 deaths.
When someone comments on my humor
Politics, more like polydicks because you're gonna need to suck a lot of dick to get to the top.
It's spring! Time to do some spring cleaning in my vagina. There are lots of cobwebs. Sorry.
#BeforeTwitterI talked to people my age. Now I talk to cat ladies about the new cat tree I saw at Costco. @midnight
Happy Friday the 13th. (I hope you all die.)
I'm leaking something but it ain't nudes if you catch my drift.
Do what you want with my body. -Lady GaGa But don't take my clothes off, look at me naked, or have sex with me.
I just got an AMBER alert and these kids by me screamed "I GOT AN AMBER ALERT!" Why the fuck couldn't the alert be about those kids?
I think the most pleasant way to die is of a bowel movement after eating Taco Bell.
Reject anal sex by farting it out when it's in.
Spirit animal. Prepare to be sl*yed. HE HAS A SPONGEBOB TATTOO. #PTXANA @mitchgrassi
Talk about #TheDress and I'll make your face "white and gold."
Discussion of #TheDress today has spread like herpes. KILL ME NOW. The dress is ugly, that's what it is.
Beauty and the Beast Sex Tape @midnight #RuinAFairyTale
All hail the holy Dalai Llama. #teamllama
I would like some gluten-free, GMO-free, organic, carb-less air.
Conceal a boner by chopping it off.
Board of Education, more like BORED of education.
Going to bed because I ate everything.
Retweeted by POOtin
Send nudes to all my coworkers and advertise my new sex tape (my new career). Yes, I am trying to be a Kardashian. #HowIWouldQuit @midnight
Happy Chinese New Year! I'm gonna ask the Chinese mafia for some red envelopes. Wish me luck.
I'm giving up life for Lent. Hold on, I'm going to kill myself now.
It's Ash Wednesday which means I need to sin 666x more than normal.
This year, I'm loving someone who deserves me. Me.
Eating breakfast and thinking about what to get for lunch.
Retweeted by POOtin
It's 80° in Southern California so I GET IT EAST COAST. I know how you feel.
Marriage equality in Alabama! That means there are only 6 states left. Unbelievable. You can count them on one hand. #LoveAlwaysWins
Retweeted by POOtin