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donald dump
New video is LIVE!!! I hiked and I ended up getting my legs amputated because hiking is hard.
The iPhone 7 is trending while the iPhone 6S hasn't even been announced. Meanwhile, children in Africa are starving & I'm eating ice cream.
Hormones? More like whoremoans.
actually my cat wants this to be his tinder profile pic because he is all made up. (PLEASE SWIPE RIGHT ON HIM). thanks to make up artist @eriicakono.
my cat is my only friend and the only living creature I will hold like a baby because human babies are devilish. also he forced me to bring him because he is setting up his tinder profile (@mrkinkyklaws) to hook up with pussies. please swipe right on him thanks
I'm about to go on a hike. If I die, please tell my mom to feed the cat.
It's raining in California which means it's time for me to hibernate.
Think Disney movies are innocent? Think again.
Guys I got plastic surgery and started using makeup and now I feel better than ever! I'm finally confident enough to leave my house and hang out with friends now! Except I won't because I'm a lazy cunt. Thank you makeup artist and doctor @eriicakono for making me into what I've always wanted to be.
Crying yourself to sleep. I still do that everyday. #GrowingUpWithStrictParents
Red wine in a capsule. Now I can discreetly get drunk on the job. #PrimeDay #PrimeDayFail
I want to go to @realDonaldTrump's house, eat some authentic Mexican food, and then leave a trail of shit behind.
After asking Siri what 0÷0 is, I've committed suicide and have gone to the dark side. Now, I have many demon friends and cookies. Take that.
If @realDonaldTrump wins presidency, I'm moving to Mexico and hoping I get scalped by the Mexican cartel. #MakeAmericaGreatAgain
Caitlyn Jenner is Bruce Jenner's new name. Caitlyn with a 'C' and not a 'K' to diss the other the Kardashians. #CallMeCaitlyn
Funny how we hated naps when we were kids but all we want to do as adults is nap.
I want some chicken tenders. Or cock tenders. Basically the same thing. Only difference is you can eat one raw and not get salmonella.
Does that mean I can browse all the good porn that's been taken down?…
Pubes "on fleek." Did I use that right?
Adele: There's a fire starting in my heart... Girl, that's heartburn and you might wanna get that checked out.
It's only apple juice if you don't get drunk.
Today's the day. The Supreme Court hears arguments on marriage equality. Let's all stand on the right side of history together #LoveCantWait
Retweeted by donald dump
The Apple Watch is a groundbreaking weight loss product because once you buy it, you won't be able to afford food.
Just know that your dead grandma is smoking weed with Jesus. Happy 4/20.
The ending of Fast and Furious 7 made me bawl like a girl watching The Notebook.
Happy Easter! The Easter Bunny just gave me rabies. I hate Easter.
Cats are popular on the Internet because dog people actually go outside.
Using WD-40 to lubricate my butthole because I'm constipated.
Happy Passover to all my nonexistent Jew friends. I'm very lonely.
Cat hair is lonely people glitter.
I almost hate myself as much as I hate @realDonaldTrump.
Zayn Malik leaving One Direction is SO MUCH more important than the Germanwings plane crash. Millions of fangirl deaths vs. 150 deaths.
When someone comments on my humor
Politics, more like polydicks because you're gonna need to suck a lot of dick to get to the top.
It's spring! Time to do some spring cleaning in my vagina. There are lots of cobwebs. Sorry.
#BeforeTwitterI talked to people my age. Now I talk to cat ladies about the new cat tree I saw at Costco. @midnight
Happy Friday the 13th. (I hope you all die.)
I'm leaking something but it ain't nudes if you catch my drift.
Do what you want with my body. -Lady GaGa But don't take my clothes off, look at me naked, or have sex with me.
I just got an AMBER alert and these kids by me screamed "I GOT AN AMBER ALERT!" Why the fuck couldn't the alert be about those kids?

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