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Swiss cheese is holey. God is holy. Therefore God is a just block of a Swiss cheese.
Hands are for praying, not masturbating. ๐Ÿ™
Super Bowl, more like Super Bowel because I'm going to have so much fun on the toilet after eating so much today. #SuperBowI #SB49
I wish I were that dead Nationwide kid so I don't have to live in this terrible world anymore.
The Super Bowl obviously has a gay agenda. Men are tackling each other for god's sake. How ironic for the homophobic men watching. #SB49
Super Bowl: the day when millions of people watch men play with balls and tackle each other on TV. #SB49
Kinda hoping that tiger gets loose and mauls everyone. That'll make this halftime show memorable. #Halftime
Not enough starving children to feed to make me seem like a great person. #RichPeopleProblems @midnight
Normal people would overdose on drugs. I would overdose on chocolate.
Going to sleep just to stop eating.
Retweeted by jerry
Sharted myself in the first few minutes of 2015. Proud.
McDonald's right around the corner #AmericaInFiveWords
Social media, more like antisocial media.
Taping mistletoe to my butt so you can all kiss my ass.
Guess who's sneaking into your bed tonight to fondle you?
I condone violence for humor.
My bowels after Mexican food.
I wonder if Santa and Mrs. Claus have a sex tape. They can be more famous than Kim K if it leaks. ๐ŸŽ…
A coat made with human skin and hairs sounds perfect for this cold weather.
I want an ugly Christmas sweater so I can look more appealing in comparison.
I like to make myself cry by looking at pictures of disabled cats and dogs.
The nice thing about it getting dark so early on Sunday is you have hours and hours to be sad that the weekend is over.
Retweeted by jerry
WATCH: premiere of the new @PTXofficial video for #DanceSPFairy! Check it out and RT! ๐Ÿ’‹ ------->โ€ฆH
Retweeted by jerry
Sometimes when I fart, a little comes out.
It's been raining in Los Angeles for like 2 hours. I'm on hold with FEMA.
Retweeted by jerry
.@Kmart Black Friday is just a ruse to trap black people, am i right KKKmart?
To celebrate this joyous #Franksgiving and to show you all my thanks LETS DO A FOLLOW SPREE! I LOVE YOU GUYS!! RT FOR A FOLOW!!๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ’›
Retweeted by jerry
Don't leave me in a room with a baby. It will either end up crying or dead. Most likely dead.
.@Walmart Mrs. Claus' queefs are on my Christmas list this year.
#VoteSuperfruit because in Egypt, cats are gods & Wyatt is a cat. Don't piss off the Holy Wyatt or he'll smite you.
I'm thankful for all the different ways I can eat potato.
A week off for Thanksgiving means a week of hangovers. Wait, that happens everyday.
Black Friday, more like the day when merchandise is sold for what it's actually worth.
CVS long-ass receipt coupons that I'll never use. #TerribleCoupons
Someone just added me to a list called L.A. Most Popular. Thanks, I know. Back off haters.
Putting flower crowns on people pt.1 #tealtakeover #keyclub #fallrally @vincen00byen
Person: I have butterflies in my stomach. Me: Maybe you ate a caterpillar.
Yes Taylor Swift, we are out of the woods. But is the wood out of you yet?
I hope hell is surrounded by a bunch of kittens because that's where I'm going.
It's Halloween and I hope Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers murders your ass.
I want to be butter for Halloween so Paula Deen can eat my ass.