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A week off for Thanksgiving means a week of hangovers. Wait, that happens everyday.
Black Friday, more like the day when merchandise is sold for what it's actually worth.
CVS long-ass receipt coupons that I'll never use. #TerribleCoupons
Someone just added me to a list called L.A. Most Popular. Thanks, I know. Back off haters.
Putting flower crowns on people pt.1 #tealtakeover #keyclub #fallrally @vincen00byen
Person: I have butterflies in my stomach. Me: Maybe you ate a caterpillar.
Yes Taylor Swift, we are out of the woods. But is the wood out of you yet?
I hope hell is surrounded by a bunch of kittens because that's where I'm going.
It's Halloween and I hope Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, and Michael Myers murders your ass.
I want to be butter for Halloween so Paula Deen can eat my ass.
I had salmonella. There was a salmon stuck in my rectum and it took a hell lot of effort to get it out.
It's so disappointing when you see a big yellow sign and you think it's In-N-Out but it's McDonald's.
I just dropped a bomb in my home aka a massive shit after eating at the local Mexican restaurant.
Keep your friends close and your enemies you can stab them easier. πŸ”ͺ
Run with scissors so that you can "accidentally" cut a bitch.
my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun
Sometimes I like to rub KY Jelly all over myself and pretend I'm a snail.
Twitter connects people. I hate people.
Season 5 of The Walking Dead. Oh the feels. 😐😐😐
I hope cats can't get Ebola because they are more important than us measly humans.
Ebola sounds like a yogurt that Jamie Lee Curtis would advertise. Mmm, delicious.
Put Ellie Goulding's song 'Burn' in the context of Hitler and the Holocaust to have your mind BLOWN.
Every human is thirsty, so donate to The Thirst Project to quench the thirst of people in Africa.
While we're lining up and spending money to buy the new iPhone, kids in Africa have no food or water. Suck it, kids.
100Β° and raining in California. Hot and moist just like some women's vagina.
.@TODAYshow I don't have kids but I hate them so I would definitely let them play sports. They need to experience pain.
My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun. Go make me some buns. My pet anaconda is hungry and he's vegetarian.
If you're speaking in public, don't picture people naked; it'll just get you horny. Instead, pretend they're fishsticks.
Every night after closing, Disneyland releases 200 cats into the park to help keep the rodent population under control.
Retweeted by jerry
What's wrong with me? Everything.
You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
iPhone 6, more like iPhone Sex because sexting will be so much better with the new camera.
Every time I see your face, my middle finger gets a boner.
A monster hates kids and steals their Christmas presents. Basically me. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
When I first saw Justin Bieber's mug shot I thought they'd added a cute new lesbian on "Orange is the New Black."
Retweeted by jerry
Joan Rivers' body has been donated to medical research to create a fully artificial human being.
RIP Joan Rivers. Hell will smell like burnt plastic now and I'll see you there soon. Thus ends the life of a great comedian.
Fuck you, you, and you. Oh, and of course, fuck YOU.
My response to everything is either 'no' or 'I don't know.'
Labor Day was really fun. Every wknd should be 3 days. We can still have 5 workdays, we'll just add a day on the end. We'll call it Flursday
Retweeted by jerry
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before he got married? FeyoncΓ©.
I've just blinked again. Several times.
Retweeted by jerry
Happy Labor Day! Does that mean pregnant women will suddenly be screaming in pain?
Peeing in the shower to save water. You're welcome California.