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donald dump
After asking Siri what 0÷0 is, I've committed suicide and have gone to the dark side. Now, I have many demon friends and cookies. Take that.
If @realDonaldTrump wins presidency, I'm moving to Mexico and hoping I get scalped by the Mexican cartel. #MakeAmericaGreatAgain
Caitlyn Jenner is Bruce Jenner's new name. Caitlyn with a 'C' and not a 'K' to diss the other the Kardashians. #CallMeCaitlyn
Funny how we hated naps when we were kids but all we want to do as adults is nap.
I want some chicken tenders. Or cock tenders. Basically the same thing. Only difference is you can eat one raw and not get salmonella.
Does that mean I can browse all the good porn that's been taken down?…
Pubes "on fleek." Did I use that right?
Adele: There's a fire starting in my heart... Girl, that's heartburn and you might wanna get that checked out.
It's only apple juice if you don't get drunk.
Today's the day. The Supreme Court hears arguments on marriage equality. Let's all stand on the right side of history together #LoveCantWait
Retweeted by donald dump
The Apple Watch is a groundbreaking weight loss product because once you buy it, you won't be able to afford food.
Just know that your dead grandma is smoking weed with Jesus. Happy 4/20.
The ending of Fast and Furious 7 made me bawl like a girl watching The Notebook.
Happy Easter! The Easter Bunny just gave me rabies. I hate Easter.
Cats are popular on the Internet because dog people actually go outside.
Using WD-40 to lubricate my butthole because I'm constipated.
Happy Passover to all my nonexistent Jew friends. I'm very lonely.
Cat hair is lonely people glitter.
I almost hate myself as much as I hate @realDonaldTrump.
Zayn Malik leaving One Direction is SO MUCH more important than the Germanwings plane crash. Millions of fangirl deaths vs. 150 deaths.
Politics, more like polydicks because you're gonna need to suck a lot of dick to get to the top.
It's spring! Time to do some spring cleaning in my vagina. There are lots of cobwebs. Sorry.
#BeforeTwitterI talked to people my age. Now I talk to cat ladies about the new cat tree I saw at Costco. @midnight
Happy Friday the 13th. (I hope you all die.)
I'm leaking something but it ain't nudes if you catch my drift.
Do what you want with my body. -Lady GaGa But don't take my clothes off, look at me naked, or have sex with me.
I just got an AMBER alert and these kids by me screamed "I GOT AN AMBER ALERT!" Why the fuck couldn't the alert be about those kids?
I think the most pleasant way to die is of a bowel movement after eating Taco Bell.
Reject anal sex by farting it out when it's in.
Spirit animal. Prepare to be sl*yed. HE HAS A SPONGEBOB TATTOO. #PTXANA @mitchgrassi
Talk about #TheDress and I'll make your face "white and gold."
Discussion of #TheDress today has spread like herpes. KILL ME NOW. The dress is ugly, that's what it is.
All hail the holy Dalai Llama. #teamllama
I would like some gluten-free, GMO-free, organic, carb-less air.

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