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Run with scissors so that you can "accidentally" cut a bitch.
my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun
Sometimes I like to rub KY Jelly all over myself and pretend I'm a snail.
Twitter connects people. I hate people.
Season 5 of The Walking Dead. Oh the feels. 😐😐😐
I hope cats can't get Ebola because they are more important than us measly humans.
Ebola sounds like a yogurt that Jamie Lee Curtis would advertise. Mmm, delicious.
Put Ellie Goulding's song 'Burn' in the context of Hitler and the Holocaust to have your mind BLOWN.
Every human is thirsty, so donate to The Thirst Project to quench the thirst of people in Africa.
While we're lining up and spending money to buy the new iPhone, kids in Africa have no food or water. Suck it, kids.
100° and raining in California. Hot and moist just like some women's vagina.
.@TODAYshow I don't have kids but I hate them so I would definitely let them play sports. They need to experience pain.
My anaconda don't want none unless you got buns hun. Go make me some buns. My pet anaconda is hungry and he's vegetarian.
If you're speaking in public, don't picture people naked; it'll just get you horny. Instead, pretend they're fishsticks.
Every night after closing, Disneyland releases 200 cats into the park to help keep the rodent population under control.
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What's wrong with me? Everything.
You're not fat, you're just easier to see.
iPhone 6, more like iPhone Sex because sexting will be so much better with the new camera.
Every time I see your face, my middle finger gets a boner.
A monster hates kids and steals their Christmas presents. Basically me. #ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
When I first saw Justin Bieber's mug shot I thought they'd added a cute new lesbian on "Orange is the New Black."
Retweeted by jerry
Joan Rivers' body has been donated to medical research to create a fully artificial human being.
RIP Joan Rivers. Hell will smell like burnt plastic now and I'll see you there soon. Thus ends the life of a great comedian.
Fuck you, you, and you. Oh, and of course, fuck YOU.
My response to everything is either 'no' or 'I don't know.'
Labor Day was really fun. Every wknd should be 3 days. We can still have 5 workdays, we'll just add a day on the end. We'll call it Flursday
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What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before he got married? Feyoncé.
I've just blinked again. Several times.
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Happy Labor Day! Does that mean pregnant women will suddenly be screaming in pain?
Peeing in the shower to save water. You're welcome California.
Whoever said technology would replace all paper obviously hasn't tried wiping their ass with an iPad.
I love my bacon Crispi. "@NBCLA: Woman named Crispi set fire with burned bacon"
.@MelRivers @Joan_Rivers From one struggling comedian to another, don't die. I don't think the devil would like the smell of burnt plastic.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
I just found out Hello Kitty isn’t a cat. She does appear to have whiskers. I’m not judging. I’m just piecing this all together for myself.
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Nah, I ain't got Snapchat. I'm old fashioned. Just fax it to me. Fax me the nudes.
Cat? More like soft, vibrating pillow.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. If u still don't succeed, stop trying. Your not good. Try making those loom braclets or somthing
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*16 year old girl voice* Um, shut the fuck up. Thanks.
Bang bang all over you..if you know what I mean. ;) Cum.
I can never not eat a banana sexually.
I'm reporting my mom for child abuse because she keeps making me to go to school. It's not good 4 my helth.
Retweeted by jerry
Shout out to water for keeping my throat lubricated for optimal yodeling techniques.
*sees a cat* Me: Holy shit.
when you finally get to piss after waiting for hours