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Jenny Johnson
...said the guy at the art fair. RT @mcdonaldcomedy: People who go to art fairs are terrible dressers.
Hell yeah!!!! Congrats Brad @keselowski!!!! #NASCAR 🏁🏁🏁🏁🏁🏁🏁🏁🏁🏁🏁
Facebook News: A person from my high school just encouraged kids to read books because we are "loosing" our children.
I've never seen so many things wrong in one paragraph. Apparently a country singer I've never heard of (Dustin Lynch) was hit in the face with a beer can AT MulletFest IN Florida WHILE covering a GARTH BROOKS song. Shocking...
Is there a Domino's Pizza Tracker for insomnia? No? Well, fuck you. Suck a butt. #NailedIt
Me n' Bird went to the bank today. She brought so much sass, it wasn't even funny. #Birdy
The conversation between women in the bathroom of a bar is amazing. If guys only knew that they could fuck any chick if they couldn't even.
My sparring partner today at @trinityboxing. #Birdy
Every dog at this vet clinic in West Hollywood has "doodle" at the end of their breed. My basset hound is feeling out of place.
I ❀️ WeHo πŸ†
Here's a baby walrus snuggling with a human. Happy Saturday!
No one else wants to say it, but I will... Women giving blowjobs to strap-on dildos is stupid.
I can't be friends with anyone who replies to one of my texts with "Eww."
Special throwback paint scheme this weekend for my all time favorite #NASCAR driver Terry Labonte. He'll run the final race of his 36 year long career tomorrow. Words can't describe how much my dad n' me loved watching him race. So many wonderful memories. #TexasTerry
My all time favorite driver. #TexasTerry RT @bobpockrass: Terry Labonte ready to call Talladega his last Cup race.
I'd rather change a tire than a diaper.
Pre-Red Eye appearance with Greg Gutfeld, @idiotsivan and @andylevy. We solved a lot of problems that night. Pretty sure I offended all of Florida too. #FlashbackFriday #RedEye
"A modern day woman's to do list. #SquirtAndMop" a regram by: @tracy_marq πŸ’¦
Fun Fact: If your boyfriend gave you a promise ring in high school, he likes guys now.
Ebola czar - a made up job given to a boring white man who likes to talk about diseases so the president doesn't have to. It lasts 6 months.
The one thing the NFL does really crack down on is when someone records a game without their written consent. That's when shit gets real!
Me n' my buds @justinjames99 and @tj_yates supporting our friends @sydneyleroux @mrapinoe @wambach14 and the rest of the U.S. Women's Soccer team. #tbt
I overheard a mother of a 3-year old boy tell her friend her son is a "lady killer." I wouldn't do that, it could end up being true.
Was love at first sight the day me n' @realnickswardson met. #tbt #farts
The leading cause of obesity in adults is graduating from high school.
The theme song for 'Dance Moms' should be 'Fancy' by Reba McEntire.
The left side of Terry Labonte's car this week will pay tribute to his second Championship in 1996.
Retweeted by Jenny Johnson
The right side of Terry Labonte's car this week will pay tribute to his first career Championship in 1984.
Retweeted by Jenny Johnson
I guess we're supposed to start dumping buckets of ice water on ourselves to fix Ebola?
This Garfield Halloween special still scares the shit outta me.
Vaping - When loud people get together to suck on these things that kinda look like home pregnancy tests
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
🎢If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right..🎢
Ebola is making that cruise ship diarrhea look like a punk bitch.
Fun Prank: Go on Facebook and post how you read an article from the CDC that camera flashes make your kids 100x more susceptible to Ebola.
Ripped the label off a bottle of Febreze and sold it to a paranoid soccer mom for $1200, told her it was Ebola repellant.
My face post-tooth extraction feels like I rode in an elevator to the top of the Empire State Building with Ray Rice and Solange.
So Chris Brown thinks Ebola is a form of population control? Guess he doesn't know the difference between fucking and shitting blood.
I bet Martha Stewart makes amazing pot brownies.
Getting a lot of dental advice on Instagram. Can't wait to tell my dentist that cuntbutt69 suggested a bridge instead of an implant.
Just had an oral surgeon rip a tooth out of my fucking face. Least I got a Vicodin Rx out of it. #RIPToothNumber30 #SoLongOldFriend
So long, tooth number 30. We had a good run. #BabysFirstToothExtraction #Gauze #Vicodin #NumbFace
Happy birthday to my friend and fellow trial enthusiast, @1NatalieMaines!!!! #HeyNow #OscarPistoriusMeantToKillHisGirlfriend
Girl from my high school who I thought was boring just liked DayQuil AND NyQuil on Facebook. Really made me think I was wrong about her.