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Jenny Johnson
Asshole Baby about to drop his patented Royal Roundhouse Kicks® on some unsuspecting peasant babies. #AssholeBaby #RoyalRoundhouse #DeadlyToes #CantStopWontStop
I'm signing Birdy up for SoulCycle today.
I can't believe I'm just now finding out that people in Hong Kong are called Hong Kongers.
Check out my bud @richotoole on tour!!! It's the #JadedTour but I'm calling it the #VajadedTour because it's funnier.
Having trouble sleeping because my right nostril shut down due to my allergies. It won't function at all. It's the Pontiac of nostrils.
Fun times with @AlisonRosen on the 'Is Your New Best Friend' podcast. Despite my hippie headband, I did NOT read her palm. Episode airs next week. #TuneIn
After all these years I realized the Kris Kross lyric "Some of them try to rhyme, but they can't rhyme like this..." doesn't fucking rhyme.
Hey @AlisonRosen about to head your way. Is this podcast BYOB?
"FIRST!!!!" - Governor Rick Perry
"Don't you think about back talking me, Swimmy Swimmerton." - the cop arresting Michael Phelps, probably
Read a George Clooney wedding headline and for a split second I thought his wife's name was Anal, not Amal and now I can't stop giggling.
Olympic Swimming News: Michael Phelps was arrested for a DUI. Ryan Lochte cut the sleeves out of a FBI (Federal Boobie Inspector) t-shirt.
It's cool if life hands you lemons, unless you're traveling from Mexico to the United States. Then you're like a "fruit mule" or something.
Happy Monday!!!! If this doesn't make you happy, you suck.
Dear @realDonaldTrump My parents used to shout "TRUMP!" when they beat me with a rubber hose. Pls RT in their memory
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
In rap videos from the 90s, I found it strange how no one was ever bothered by the guy filming girls' butts with his own personal camcorder.
It's so sad to think there are people in this world who take shits without iPhones.
My pal @realsupermario said he was confused by this offer, while I think a big, juicy unit for only $5 seems like a fantastic deal!!! #NaturalUnitJuice
Old guys from KISS who wear sunglasses indoors have a reality show about their AFL team called '4th and Loud'. Seriously. '4th and Loud'.
First ISIS, now LEGO. RT @kourtneykardash: How does LEGO not have a recycling system? My house is being taken over, come on let's get modern
On this special episode of @DatelineNBC comedy takes a deadly turn when what was supposed to be a fun night out between two friends ends in murder and @dannyzuker crying, a lot. Like, a lot of crying. That crying where he can't catch his breath and has to suck into an enhaler while Jenny looks on sh
I'm still trying to come down from that @JJWatt pick-six. Gonna slip into a Breaking Bad marathon with a dash of Simpsons and Family Guy.
Yee-Haw!!! Congrats @HoustonTexans!!!! #WeAreTexans
Crawling in my parents' bed in the morning on the weekends was so adorable until I got older and realized that's where they fucked.
"I guess we're all gonna be what we're gonna be.." #DonWilliams
"Ugh. How'd we get stuck sitting at a table with Bono? Quick. Switch the name cards." - George Clooney's wedding guests, probably
Fun Fact: When your favorite football team wins, you don't win. You're just drunk on a couch screaming at a TV.
My drink always follows me to the bathroom cuz I'm not all about that roofie life.
Night time jamz. #GentleGiant
Oh you.... *blush* RT @dateline_keith: @JennyJohnsonHi5 Sweet of you to be here, fiancé's duty and all..
The couple that cleavages together, stays together.
Great news. Girl from my high school took the 'Steel Magnolias' quiz on Facebook. She's Truvy. Have a super weekend!
Updated vision board by @gobronson featuring @anderssonjj #GoTexans
Go to and look up the essay I wrote for #ProstateCancerAwarenessMonth Also visit the @bluecure foundation's website to learn more. Feel free to regram this to your followers as well.
Just buckled a bottle of Tito's Vodka into the backseat of my car, so I obviously know what it's like to be a mom.
Back when @shooterjennings made me introduce Billy Ray Cyrus at one of his shows. Bud Light in hand. Nails on point. #tbt 🍺💅
There should be a 911 number for drunk loved ones who don't shut up when you wanna go to sleep. Just someone to come over and listen.
Amazing documentary. Look it up. Check it out. An amazing story and an even more amazing family. #TheCrashReel
The suspension that ESPN gave @BillSimmons is longer than Ray Rice's initial suspension for knocking his wife out. #TeamBillSimmons
Though I drink @TitosVodka, I love the vision board @gobronson made for me. Spot on, sir.
00:15:00.00 Times up. So long, 3-boob chick.
Before I moved to Los Angeles, I was 98% sure L'Shana Tova was a girl I went to high school with.
Bruce Jenner also filed divorce papers against Kris Jenner citing "irreconcilable faces" as the cause for the dissolution of their marriage.