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I don't mean to sound racist or anything, but Black Fridays seem longer than other Fridays.
Chip Kelly's Hurry Up and Get Fired offense is clicking on all cylinders.
I got tired of the tryptophan in Turkey making me so drowsy every Thanksgiving, so this year I stuffed my turkey with coffee beans.
Odd fact: If someone wears a Santa hat before Thanksgiving, it's perfectly legal in all 50 states to pistol whip them with a turkey leg.
Looking to waste 10 minutes of your life? Then read my C4C article grading the eight 25-and-under NFL quarterbacks.
Enough of the pumpkin-flavored shit already. Someone needs to invent the exact opposite, because I'd definitely buy a taco-flavored pumpkin.
Pardon me, Jacksonville... are those Grey Poupon uniforms?
Does the abbreviation for number make any sense?
The only thing unlucky about a Friday is there's only one in each week.
Friggatriskaidekaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th.
Frigginidiotaphobia is the fear of people stupid enough to be afraid of a Friday.
My bologna has a first name, it's ligaments, eyelids, and assholes.
Every year we honor our veterans by not delivering them their mail.
Do people in the military make a wish at 11:23?
I was thanked for being a gentleman. That’s what it’s come to, folks. Men are now such douches that women have to thank them if they’re not.
Coming soon to a theater near you... Matthew McConaughey stars in "Face My Back To My Female Co-Star"
And now for a message from the Organization of Accidentally Inspirational Dyslexics:
Shit dies, then you happen.
Some people think I’m cynical, but I don’t trust their opinions.
My son's school has a half day, so I had to call and ask which half of him I should send in today... the black half or the Italian half?
This is an actual ad thread posted in Garage Sale-acuse today. Funny shit: mrfornicator.tumblr.com/post/131049350…
Saturday Night Live turns 40 today.
40 is the new That's Still On?
I bet vegetarians would taste really good to the animals they refuse to eat.
"I'm a people person." ~Annoying people
Would it be politically incorrect if I referred to this as a homosectional?
Great news guys... I only have one more tub of Country Crock to get through before I complete my Tupperware set.
The only reason nice guys finish last is because they're holding the door for everyone else. ~Me
You should never quote yourself. ~Me, also
A conversation with Diddy.
Six degrees isn't nearly enough separation.
The cool thing about having a garbage disposal when you're single is you can just eat over the sink to save time.
Yogurt can't go bad... it can only go badder.
I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Or something else that doesn't wake up crying or shit itself.
People with good credit are like UFOs... I keep hearing they exist, but I've never actually seen one myself.
LeBron's going to lose not one ring... not two... not three... not four...
When I'm in my car, feeling like I hate everyone around me... all I need are those 4 little words to make me feel better.
End of road work.
Her: What do you think about this whole Caitlyn Jenner thing?
Me: I don't.
If you love someone, set them free... if they come back to you, don't fall for the same bullshit twice.
No, of course I'm not leaf blowing my hard wood floors... I'm reverse vacuuming.
I think it's probably time I finally start working on losing my winter weight.
The winter of 2008, that is.
My greatest accomplishment:
It's estimated that 32 million people travel by car over Memorial Day weekend.... and they're all in front of me on the highway right now.
Loosely translated, "All you can eat" means "Just eat the best parts and throw the rest aside."
C4C has openings for comedians for a charity event in Marlton, NJ on 6/5 to benefit the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society: wp.me/p2JTNU-N5
Comedians needed for a charity event in Hackensack, NJ on June 7th to benefit the National Pancreas Foundation: wp.me/p2JTNU-LG
Leftovers eCard #26 by @MrFornicator
Me: I just got home, that place was a freaking zoo.
Her: Where were you?
Me: The zoo.
I don't call them back massages, I call them barometer rubs.
A recent study showed that 4 out of 5 dentists think 20% of dentists have no idea what they're talking about.
People would rather help you move a dead body than help you move, so I stuffed dead bodies in all my stuff on moving day to cover all bases.
eCard #267 by @MrFornicator