My Jewish friend sneezed, so I had to say God hasn't come yet bless you.
"That's why Trump has supporters" is the new "that's why aliens won't talk to us."
I got a restraining order on my cyber stalker... she has to stay at least 50 websites away from me at all times now.
"Baby James" article.
Don't worry, it's short... so it'll be ok if you read it.
I'd feel a lot better about voting if instead of adding a vote to someone I could subtract a vote from the biggest idiot.
Breaking News: Man urinates on Rice Krispies assembly line, thousands of bad comedians immediately rush to tell a Snap, Crackle & Piss joke.
Please sign my petition that says petitions are nothing but a collection of meaningless signatures.
Honesty is the best policy… if your policy is pissing people off.
If it were really evaporated milk, shouldn't the can be empty?
Being a parent is saying things like "stop getting mad at your toys," and then 5 minutes later yelling "WTF!" at your computer for freezing.
I can't believe it's already been a year since I didn't watch the Oscars then either.
"You're allowed freedom of speech, as long as we agree with you." ~Society
Dear milk-colored milk jug,
A guy who thought he had more milk left.
I just had a Samuel Adams Juniper beer, if anyone was wondering what potpourri tastes like.
The iPhone turned 9 years old today, but in convincing-yourself-it's-better-than-an-Android years, it's only 5.
You could save up to 15% on car insurance if you don't choose a company that spends a fortune airing lame-ass commercials every 5 minutes.
Practicing "the speech" for my son. So far I have:
Birds shit on everything, and bees will sting you.
A Christmas Story:
Once upon a time Kobe scored 81 points in a game.
Now, the entire Lakers team struggles to put up 81.
Saint Nicholas died almost 1700 years ago, so if you think about it... Santa Claus is the most popular zombie story of all time.
When Chandler Bing or Dr. House make snarky and sarcastic comments it's "funny" or "clever," but when I do it I'm asked to leave church.
Talk is cheap. Well... except for that sentence where the cashier tells you how much you owe for the Christmas gifts she just rang up.
I just met an Alec, and ironically, he was pretty fucking stupid.
A fool uttereth all his mind.
A fool tweeteth every passing thought.
Psst... here's a quick secret:
Nobody gives a shit about your Facebook year in review.
Chill out on the price a little @Doritos
, they're tortilla chips, not jumbo shrimp.
I only read 31% of Kobe's poem.
Donald Trump puts the wrong in righteous.
I don't mean to sound racist or anything, but Black Fridays seem longer than other Fridays.
Chip Kelly's Hurry Up and Get Fired offense is clicking on all cylinders.
I got tired of the tryptophan in Turkey making me so drowsy every Thanksgiving, so this year I stuffed my turkey with coffee beans.
Odd fact: If someone wears a Santa hat before Thanksgiving, it's perfectly legal in all 50 states to pistol whip them with a turkey leg.
Looking to waste 10 minutes of your life? Then read my C4C article grading the eight 25-and-under NFL quarterbacks.
Enough of the pumpkin-flavored shit already. Someone needs to invent the exact opposite, because I'd definitely buy a taco-flavored pumpkin.
Pardon me, Jacksonville... are those Grey Poupon uniforms?
Does the abbreviation for number make any sense?
The only thing unlucky about a Friday is there's only one in each week.
Friggatriskaidekaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th.
Frigginidiotaphobia is the fear of people stupid enough to be afraid of a Friday.
My bologna has a first name, it's ligaments, eyelids, and assholes.
Every year we honor our veterans by not delivering them their mail.
Do people in the military make a wish at 11:23?
I was thanked for being a gentleman. That’s what it’s come to, folks. Men are now such douches that women have to thank them if they’re not.
Coming soon to a theater near you... Matthew McConaughey stars in "Face My Back To My Female Co-Star"
And now for a message from the Organization of Accidentally Inspirational Dyslexics:
Shit dies, then you happen.
Some people think I’m cynical, but I don’t trust their opinions.
My son's school has a half day, so I had to call and ask which half of him I should send in today... the black half or the Italian half?
This is an actual ad thread posted in Garage Sale-acuse today. Funny shit: mrfornicator.tumblr.com/post/131049350…
Saturday Night Live turns 40 today.
40 is the new That's Still On?
I bet vegetarians would taste really good to the animals they refuse to eat.
"I'm a people person." ~Annoying people