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Today is national kissing day. I wish I had more asses.
This is an article I wrote. It's about peace and love and good happiness stuff. Actually, it's about Kevin Durant.
My imaginary friend with benefits just told me we need to start pretending to see other people.
The United States ranked 35th internationally in mathematics last year. I only have 2 words for that:
That's fucked up.
Did anyone else see that episode of Scooby Doo where they unmask the villain only to find out it was someone else all along?
If you don't have anything concise to say, don't say anything at all.
By a show of partial hands, how many people had a firecracker accident today?
I estimate that about 96% of the people who lose fingers today will also be people who think America is turning 2016 years old.
Durant signs with the Warriors.
It's a wrap, other NBA players and teams... you can all go home now.
Breaking News: Donald Trump is questioning the authenticity of America’s birth certificate.
"Lost Dog - Reward" signs are just your neighbors way of telling you to kidnap their dog whenever you're in need of a few extra bucks.
All 4th of July barbecues should be ribbed for your pleasure.
I’m more flattered when I get hit on by gay guys than women… they have better taste in men.
The day before tomorrow is the first day of the day before yesterday’s day after tomorrow.
Liquor stores don’t have enough breakfast specials.
When I was growing up, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
It's a good thing Taco Bell didn't give out a free taco for every I, me, or my LeBron said after winning or they'd be out of business.
Love means never getting to hear she’s sorry.
Spiderman got his spidey powers after being bitten by a spider.
Theory: Donald Trump was bitten by a cockroach.
Speed walking is for people who want to get into shape so badly they're perfectly ok with looking like a complete idiot in public.
The louder someone says your name in public, the more likely they are to be someone you didn’t care to run into.
On this day in music history, Maroon 5 sucked.
Facebook keeps asking me for my phone number, but I only like it as a friend.
Once you go black sheep you never go back.