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Practicing "the speech" for my son. So far I have:
Birds shit on everything, and bees will sting you.
A Christmas Story:
Once upon a time Kobe scored 81 points in a game.
Now, the entire Lakers team struggles to put up 81.
Saint Nicholas died almost 1700 years ago, so if you think about it... Santa Claus is the most popular zombie story of all time.
When Chandler Bing or Dr. House make snarky and sarcastic comments it's "funny" or "clever," but when I do it I'm asked to leave church.
Talk is cheap. Well... except for that sentence where the cashier tells you how much you owe for the Christmas gifts she just rang up.
I just met an Alec, and ironically, he was pretty fucking stupid.
A fool uttereth all his mind.
A fool tweeteth every passing thought.
Psst... here's a quick secret:
Nobody gives a shit about your Facebook year in review.
Chill out on the price a little @Doritos
, they're tortilla chips, not jumbo shrimp.
I only read 31% of Kobe's poem.
Donald Trump puts the wrong in righteous.
I don't mean to sound racist or anything, but Black Fridays seem longer than other Fridays.
Chip Kelly's Hurry Up and Get Fired offense is clicking on all cylinders.
I got tired of the tryptophan in Turkey making me so drowsy every Thanksgiving, so this year I stuffed my turkey with coffee beans.
Odd fact: If someone wears a Santa hat before Thanksgiving, it's perfectly legal in all 50 states to pistol whip them with a turkey leg.
Looking to waste 10 minutes of your life? Then read my C4C article grading the eight 25-and-under NFL quarterbacks.
Enough of the pumpkin-flavored shit already. Someone needs to invent the exact opposite, because I'd definitely buy a taco-flavored pumpkin.
Pardon me, Jacksonville... are those Grey Poupon uniforms?
Does the abbreviation for number make any sense?
The only thing unlucky about a Friday is there's only one in each week.
Friggatriskaidekaphobia is the fear of Friday the 13th.
Frigginidiotaphobia is the fear of people stupid enough to be afraid of a Friday.
My bologna has a first name, it's ligaments, eyelids, and assholes.
Every year we honor our veterans by not delivering them their mail.
Do people in the military make a wish at 11:23?
I was thanked for being a gentleman. That’s what it’s come to, folks. Men are now such douches that women have to thank them if they’re not.
Coming soon to a theater near you... Matthew McConaughey stars in "Face My Back To My Female Co-Star"
And now for a message from the Organization of Accidentally Inspirational Dyslexics:
Shit dies, then you happen.
Some people think I’m cynical, but I don’t trust their opinions.
My son's school has a half day, so I had to call and ask which half of him I should send in today... the black half or the Italian half?
This is an actual ad thread posted in Garage Sale-acuse today. Funny shit: mrfornicator.tumblr.com/post/131049350…
Saturday Night Live turns 40 today.
40 is the new That's Still On?
I bet vegetarians would taste really good to the animals they refuse to eat.
"I'm a people person." ~Annoying people
Would it be politically incorrect if I referred to this as a homosectional?
Great news guys... I only have one more tub of Country Crock to get through before I complete my Tupperware set.
The only reason nice guys finish last is because they're holding the door for everyone else. ~Me
You should never quote yourself. ~Me, also
A conversation with Diddy.
Six degrees isn't nearly enough separation.
The cool thing about having a garbage disposal when you're single is you can just eat over the sink to save time.
Yogurt can't go bad... it can only go badder.
I'm going to sleep like a baby tonight.
Or something else that doesn't wake up crying or shit itself.
People with good credit are like UFOs... I keep hearing they exist, but I've never actually seen one myself.
LeBron's going to lose not one ring... not two... not three... not four...
When I'm in my car, feeling like I hate everyone around me... all I need are those 4 little words to make me feel better.
End of road work.
Her: What do you think about this whole Caitlyn Jenner thing?
Me: I don't.
If you love someone, set them free... if they come back to you, don't fall for the same bullshit twice.